Best: Giant Bernard!
I love Albert almost as much as I hate Test. WWF/E does one of two things with big men:
1. They hire untalented big guys and put them on TV as soon as possible and hope for the best, because hey, maybe they’ll turn out to be good at this. Sometimes it works (Batista) and sometimes it doesn’t (Mason Ryan, Jackson Andrews).
2. They hire talented big guys and DON’T do anything with them, expecting them to somehow become successful and popular on their own, which doesn’t make any sense because that is your job (Albert, Mike Knox).
Thankfully Albert has found another life as New Japan Pro Wrestling’s Giant Bernard and left the world of arriving in and suddenly leaving the WWE on loop behind, but I just wanted to put this here to remind you that at one point in time WWF hired a 6-foot-7, 350-pound monster with a college education and decided his gimmick should be “dick ring”.
Best: This Specific Whore
My quick thoughts on the Godfather: “I sure do love being socially and emotionally controlling to these women!” is probably the least okay WWF gimmick of all time, or at least on the list between “guy in ball gag” and “Muslim wrestler ordering beheadings”, and if you cheered for the Godfather you have bad taste in wrestling and should be ashamed of yourself.
That being said, look at this whore:
If you are or know who this specific prostitute is (a New York area stripper, I’m guessing?), please contact me, because I have thought you were hot for like a decade and need some masturbatory closure.
Worst: Big Show’s Southern Rock Hair
Way to let Shawn Michaels braid your hair before you entered the Royal Rumble, Big Show.
I thought seeing Kurt Angle with hair was gonna be a notable thing, but seeing Big Show with show dog hair is way worse. Going bald was one of his better decisions.
Worst: That’s Gotta Be… That’s GOTTA BE Kane’s Nipple
And speaking of guys who
1. Haven’t gotten any better in 12 years
2. make bad decisions
here’s one of the worst of Kane’s outfits, the one where he put just enough mesh in the chest so you could see his nipples.
I know they eventually just came out and said that his scarring was “emotional” or whatever and not physical, but they hadn’t established that here, and they spent the two years or whatever before this and like five years after it slowly taking off Kane’s clothes. At first it was just an exposed arm, then it was exposed arm with mesh chest, then a mesh tanktop. I thought they were gonna have him come out in a headband and some transparent Mr. Ass pants at some point.
Worst: We Messed Up The Finish, Let’s Just Mess Up The Next Three Months Too
I’m not the NetCop. I’m not even a NetSecurity Guard. I don’t know if The Rock actually messed up by letting his feet drag on the ground when Big Show tried to eliminate him or if they used that as an excuse for a story they were gonna tell anyway, but Rock not cleanly eliminating Big Show from the 2000 Royal Rumble led to my second or third least favorite Triple H-centric Wrestlemania main-event ever: H vs. Show vs. Rock vs. Mick Foley, a month after Foley had “retired”, featuring a heel victory and Mick taking one of the worst elbows to the side of a static table failure bumps ever.
It’s a good reminder that on even the best shows, featuring even the best matches, happening during the best time period for one of the most popular wrestling companies in the world, wrestling is bad. Stuff happens that unknowingly sets up years and years of sadness. Rock’s feet dragging leads to a bad Wrestlemania. Jeff Hardy getting bashed in the head leads to him painting quadrants of his face in pastels so he can battle Jeff Jarrett for supremacy of whatever. Kurt Angle takes a cool bump, then takes that same bump in decreasing coolness and increasing life danger for a decade.
So what does that leave us?
I guess I don’t know. But I know that Triple H vs. Cactus Jack match is worth at least a few years of bad main events. I know that the tag team tables match will always play well for me, no matter what Matt Hardy does to his hair. I know that Brian Christopher was the most popular person in New York City for a night, that Big Show once had a glorious head of hair and that even a prostitute can be beautiful. So wrestling can’t be so bad, can it?
Can it?
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That street fight was just incredible. Thanks for doing this Brandon.
Thank you for taking on this Herculean task. I’m giddy at the prospect of more More MORE Brandon evaluates past wrestling events type projects. (/runs in a circle emitting Curly-type woo woo woo noise)
Man, a visit to middle school and the height of my wrestling geekdom. Woo boy.
You’re absolutely spot on about Foley/Cactus Jack. God I loved Cactus Jack. Foley was never a great technichal wrestler but he knew how to put on a show. Foley proved that the most exciting wrestlers aren’t just MEGA AWESOME BAD ASS TRIPLE AY-CHAA who no-sell just to look like badasses all the time (although it obviously depends on context, which is why I want to give you a noogie for hating on the APA). Foley in his prime took bumps like no other. He was able to show so much vulnerability that those moments of freakish strength were positively electric.
Yes I wrote a 7th grade book report on “Have A Nice Day”, why do you ask? Also amazing job B.
I want to thank you for this. I wasn’t watching in the “attitude” era. I grew up with Hulkamania in the 80′s, left it in the mid 90s and rediscovered WWE about 3 years ago or so. This was a lot of fun to go through, learn about and see what I missed.
It’s unfortunate you missed the good Attitude era stuff. Then again you also didn’t get to see WWF creative misuse every awesome ECW wrestler they signed (Al Snow, for instance, got boned IMO).
Disliking the Acolytes is understandable. But you’re going to clarify that you liked the APA, right?
I liked their homoerotic t-shirts, but outside of that, not really.
Wow, really? They drank a lot! They took a door with them backstage that they insisted you had to knock on to go through! They clotheslined and powerbombed people and just seemed like pretty fun guys once they got past the Acolytes thing. The camaraderie they built up and Bradshaw walked away from is what let JBL be as good as he was.
Those are all reasonable points. Maybe I can go back to them now with a more positive attitude.
The APA was awesome. Seriously, youtube Ron Simmon/Faarooq Spinebusters. So damn vicious.
IrishCream, I was about to say the same thing. Faarooq’s spinebusters were probably the legit most-terrifying move anyone was throwing during this time.
I have a buddy who wrestlers in Florida for WXW Wrestling, and one day he posted that video on facebook along with this:
“So when I see a romantic movie and they do that run into each others’ arms and the girl jumps up and the guy catches her thing, I can’t help but think… Spinebuster”
Yeah I’ve done some rewatching and realized the reason I just loved them so much when I was younger was mostly due to the fact that Faarooq spinebuster and Bradshaw clothesline were just BRUTAL.
“Masada put skewers in a guy’s cheek and stomp on them”
this has happened, what the fuck, gross gross gross
yep, most recently in Anarchy Championship Wrestling earlier this month. I actually had to leave. Ultraviolence is not my bag.
What badge or trophy do we get for obsessive refreshing as you upload this?
the Brandon Loves You In Real Life badge, as soon as I can get someone to design it.
p.s. putting up the last page right now
Oh shit. A maek poopies .gif is the highlight of my weekend.
I’m enjoying this so much, more now than when I watched it with a couple of buddies on the neighbor’s black box. Ahh, the days of trying to watch scrambled titty.
JESUS CHRIST that belt-loop piledriver on the announce table was nasty.
(This is awesome, btw. Thanks for the writeup, Brandon.)
I’m on page 7 currently but, I’d just like to say how much I hate watching Earl Hebner. He is the most uncoordinated, awkward, flubbery old man that exacts now sort authority in anything he does. Ughhh. It makes ME uncomfortable by watching that amount of staggery flailing of arms while he tries to officiate.
I can’t imagine how you must have felt at the Saturday Night Main Event.
Was that the one with his twin? OH GOD…
Chyna sucked then and sucks now.
Excellent job sir. Thank you.
1.) Comments running YouTube style, with the most recent at the top, and oldest at the bottom, is messing with my brain, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that.
2.) I thought sure the dialogue during the Kaientai segments that was something like, “They got thrown all the way back to China!” “They’re Japanese, King.” “OH WHATEVER SAME THING WHO CARES” would’ve gotten a specific Worst, but I DID laugh at “THUNDEROUS CHING AND CHONG”
3.) I also laughed pretty hard at King’s “It’s gonna be…It’s gonna beeeee….nnnnnnnrrrrrreeeeeeemmmmm…” trying to sound like he was omnipotent and could guess the next entrant sight unseen by saying their name at the exact time they walked through the curtain.
“and RIGHT in my peripherals is a guy just smacking the sh*t out of a big nasty beige fake tit and then it’s starwipe to brutal anal.”
Oh God. Laughing so hard I’m crying. Wow. …OK, back to the article now. Thanks.
Reminds me of Scott’s blog of doom where they recap old shows..
I would argue that it’s like Best and Worst, but recapping an old show. I don’t think Brandon and Keith (or any of his writing staff) use even REMOTELY the same style.
I also fear that comparing this to anything else, and not just enjoying it because it’s fun and awesome, is the quickest way for us to not ever get another one, ever ever again.
different style of writing same purpose. For what is is worth this way better than what is at the other site. I was just saying it reminded me of it.
And I don’t think Brandon is as sensitive to say “THIS REMINDED SOME DOUCHE I DONT CARE ABOUT OF SOMETHING ELSE! NEVER WRITING SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAIN!” Anyhow I liked it seeing how shitty some of the stuff that was considered awe was is fun..and refreshes my memory.
I do like how Brandon’s dream whore looks like she is actually in someone’s dream with the smoke behind her…like she is the standard for dream whores or something
This is pure genius, and at the same time, terrifying. I’m going to try and stay positive and assume that the reason this is so much better than the average B&W (and that’s not meant as a criticism of the average B&W) is that you had extra time to write, and not because of how truly crappy the current product is.
And for the record, “Ask Reby Sky. She’s familiar with both.” made me laugh harder than anything you’ve ever written, B – and that’s saying something.
Can’t wait to see more classic BaWs.
That pedigree to the tacks was amazing because it actually fit the character of Triple H. He was the Cerebral Assassin and all, so going from gawking at Cactus Jack kicking of of the pedigree to simply standing behind the tacks and doing it into them as a “Goddamnit, stay down!” was awesome.
There were periods where Triple H being around didn’t lead to me eye-rolling at his presence. This is one, and maybe when he first came back from the quad injury. Though you should be wary of that moment, especially if you can’t stand the period where the WWF/E was obsessed with odd melody pop rock (see also the “My Sacrifice” video)
But the WWF wanted us to think Jeff and Matt Hardy could be the next Shawn Michaels v Bret Hart. Are you saying I was a naive fan to believe?
The fact that AJ was, like, 4 when this aired is no excuse for a post without a picture of her.
Yes, I know she was older than 4.
Absolutely loved the review, so many great things came out of it. The Jackie/Porno ad comparison being one of the best. But on a serious note, THANK YOU for writing about convincing the fans to believe something and that just because the fans know something is going to happen, doesn’t mean it won’t still be cool as shit
Created an account to give you props for this. I watched the Rumble in anticipation. I too was surprised by the ridiculous amount of people clapping to the 2 cool sequence.
was it just me or did Kings announcing style feel very similar to the current Michael Cole?
And after watching No Way Out after this, I have come to the conclusion that J.R. simply hates women. A lot.
Thanks, friend. Glad to have you around (and commenting).
I remember watching this and badly wishing Cactus Jack would win. This is bringing back memories of when I was anxiously awaiting Stone Cold’s return from neck surgery, but in the meantime enjoying the other guys who stepped up while he was gone.
Oh, and the old “It’s True, It’s True” Kurt Angle was freakin’ amazing both in the ring and on the mic.
This post also serves as a painful reminder of just how good the tag team division used to be
My comment, as promised, even though it makes no contextual sense. “The Rock was really not being a star when he hit Triple H with that chair.”
I made a “Headbanger Mosh” joke in the last live Raw comments section. I feel so cool right now.
Thanks, B-Stro! Fun read. I won’t be able to participate in the Open Thread Discussion tomorrow as I will be viewing it at a friend’s house.
I’m glad we are in agreement about Test. My buddy and I came up with a theoretical pit to throw wrestlers we didn’t like into. Test was the my first ballot HOF inductee into The Pit.
“Crash Holly shows up a few entrants later, and is quickly eliminated with a suicide dive.”
I laughed way too hard at this.
I remember as a kid I rented the old WWF ppvs from BlockBuster and I always HATED Bob Backlund. And then he came back and beat Bret (my favorite at the time) cause of Owen and I just hated him more. Looking back now Backlund was the freakin’ man so I know exactly what you’re talking about.
Watching that Heatwave ’98 clip really hammers home how:
A) For a few years there, after ECW lost most of its A talent but before the money ran out, Heyman was doing an amazing job of making the guys he had left seem special.
B) Oh my god he made some fucking terrible people seem special. At least the internet slowly cottoned on that Shane Douglas is a ridiculous beard of a man, but sweet jesus was Joey Styles ever the worst announcer.
Uproxx partners include: ‘Aren’t the Photos of This 10-Year-Old Girl Way Too Sexy? (iVillage)’ Keep it classy, doggos.
Al Snow looks frighteningly like Ronald D. Moore. Also I will never not love that Bossman “hang someone on the ropes, slide out of ring, punch them in the face” spot. I miss the Bossman.
Thanks B, this was awesome. I went back and watched Cactus-Triple H and the tables match when you put the poll up and you’re 100% right, this was awesome-slash-sad. It makes you appreciate Foley that much more when you look at the kind of shape he was in here and realize he was never meant to be in great shape. And as far as I’m concerned, if he wants to wear sweatpants and have a walk-in closet filled with Christmas candy now, he’s more than entitled to do it. Thumbtacks in the face man. Thumbtacks in the freaking face.
But yeah, the chairshots. It would’ve been awesome if it turned out a chair to the head just gave you a lump and a sore spot, but looking back they’re hard to watch, and thinking about how guys were taking these on every single episode of Raw is pretty depressing. Shit like that probably makes Chris Nowinski want to never stop vomiting. Well, shit like that and also his history of concussions.
The bikini contest portion of the column was amazing. If I ever planned on seeing Jacqueline again I’d never look at her the same way. And I had to find the Too Cool and Rikishi dancing clip online. The fact that this was MSG makes it even more incredible that the crowd was that wild for them. And oh yeah, they were like the 6th-best tag team in the WWF at the time.
Lastly, thanks for being so complimentary of D’Lo Brown all the time. I just loved that guy and never understood why people didn’t like him like I did. I’m not at all ashamed to admit that him beating Mideon for the European title is one of the main reasons I consider Fully Loaded ’99 as one of my inexplicable favorite PPVs, despite it being the one of the most over-the-top Attitude Era things ever.
CONTROVERSY: Chyna was ridiculously popular at this point, easily to the point of being a reasonable Intercontinental Champion, and this angle did a great job of using that brief, weird window before people realized she’s awful to make Chris Jericho seem like a star-level guy. I mean, after his intro with The Rock, who else at the top level was going to treat him like an equal, early on when people were deciding if he’s someone who matters? It was her, bafflingly one of the company’s marquee names, or more go-nowhere crap with the Road Dogg. And putting him with her worked, by the time the feud was over he was already smilin’, jokin’, terrible-but-a-star-for-life good guy Jericho.
This is all truth. Don’t think about now or what you learned later about what was going on, just remember that Chyna wouldn’t be given Jericho or dare I say it?) Eddie Guerrero to work with if there wasn’t a real, money-making reason.
Was Blackman a real martial arts guy, then? I remembered him being just a bodybuilder who had hung around Stampede in the 80s. I figured he got the ‘no but he’s really tough’ gimmick because, fuck, what else could he do.
He wasn’t really, but after wrestling he ended up starting some self defense studio, I think
Blackman MMA is alive and well in the Harrisburg Mall, here in good old Harrisburg, PA. What they do in there is anyone’s guess.
Also, if you come to Harrisburg, there is a chance you’ll be able to have a drink with the Lethal Weapon. He’s usually out and about.
A lot of masturbation comments on this B&W Brandon. I’m sure at 2000 you were like me and it was all you could do, but hopefully Destiny realizes this as well.
Great write up, as usual, B. I was probably close to the beginning of a fairly long hiatus at this point, but I still recognize and appreciate the more general observations (Test = awful, D’Lo = rad).
Can I go ahead and use this space to talk about UFC on Fox? Until some Uproxxian goon squad shuts me up, I’m going for it!
Poor Joey Beltran got Mexicuted. George Roop (There it is!) was obliterated by a grown man named ‘Cub’. Sad day. And now, as it always happens when two high-level grapplers face off, Chris Weidman and Damian Maia are engaging in mediocre kick-boxing! At least the main card has lasted longer than the first UFC on Fox!
I’m gonna spread this out because it artificially inflates the comment count which is cool, and also we don’t end up with gigantic reply things bulking up.
First of all, I remember I knew basically nothing about wrestling before getting into it in late 1998, so it was always bewildering for me to have them trot out these legendary guys that I would have no idea who the fuck they were. Sgt. Slaughter in a Radioshack manager/loan shark pantsuit is one of these.
As an eleven-year-old boy, they were directly appealing to me with those bikini contests, but I was never into Jacqueline or Ivory, but if I was any older I would have been like UGH. Incidentally, Which PPV was it where Miss Kitty took her top off? I was thinking it was this one when I saw the bubble wrap. I guess I could look it up on the internet.
Armageddon 1999.
Ah interesting. For some reason I had connected her firing to her exposure, I guess there was something else involved.
Going through the entrances for the last 15 Rumbles, it was delightful seeming smiling little man Mark Henry and going AHHH. Even when he came out to the Nation of Domination music, he had a big smile and no hair on his face, it was weird and made me happy even though I love current incarnation dearly. (Speaking of which, the 1998 Rumble, literally like a third of the participants were Nation members. It was bizarre hearing the same music over and over and over and over and over).
I don’t remember much about Bob Holly other than I thought he was an asshole. Having no nuance about wrestling in 2000 and having not revisited him now, could you explain what specifically was so bad about him? I don’t doubt he was but I’ve heard him mentioned a few times as egregiously bad.
The eleven-year-old in me still gets embarassingly thrilled when “OH YOU DIDN’T KNOW” comes out, but having revisited a match, I did go, “Wow, there’s not a lot here that should really be that injurious.” I mean, was Shake Rattle & Roll seriously his FINISHER? IT’S A PUNCH. Sheamus does more with one arm-cock, before he even hits them.
Having basically shown up right as Mankind became Fun Lovin’ Mick Foley Who Gets His Ass Beat By Everyone And Occasionally Gets Pity Wins, it’s always a pleasure to see him be the badass crazy person, not “he’s damaged and stupid watch him get hit with this EVERYTHING”, but the unhinged “he will FUCK YOU UP” guy. This was appealing.
Incidentally, as someone who thought it was cool when I was a kid but cares a lot more about people now, I wince a lot seeing a lot of the rougher old stuff. Any time a guy takes a super chair shot or bleeds or whatever I just end up going IS THIS REALLY NECESSARY? as if any of it is necessary. But one thing I sort of dig about the PG era is their occasional ability to find ways to manufacture thrills without doing needless violent stuff.
Skimming through the rumbles, that Too Cool breakdown thing is potentially the most insane thing I’ve ever seen, and yeah, the crowd was JACKED, that was bizarre.
One of the coolest things I’ve done on Twitter was writing that I was playing WWF Wrestlemania 2000 on the N64 and I wrote “somebody tell D’Lo Brown that I’m about to win the WWF Title with him”, and then the next day I got up and in my mentions was D’Lo Brown himself asking me if I won. I told him of course I did, because D’lo Brown rules, and that little aside you wrote about him made me unequivocally happy, I always thought D’Lo ruled hard, even if he shook his neck so much I always worried he was giving himself whiplash concussions nonstop.
Oh man that story just made my whole night, for real. Thanks.
Hahaha, right? I was overjoyed. And for the record, I had to hit the Rock with three Sky Highs to finally knock him out, but I won the WWF Title with D’Lo Brown and I was losin’ it, haha.
[twitter.com] THERE IT IS for proof, haha. Favorited.
That’s awesome. I got to meet D’Lo at a CHIKARA show a while back, and he was great.
That game was bullshit though, they kept putting ME’lo Brown and Val MEnis in fucking tag teams against STONE COLD & THE ROCK and I was sitting there going OH COME ON WHY ARE THEY EVEN A TAG TEAM WHY AREN’T THEY BEATING EACH OTHER UP, and then I would spent 45 literal minutes being pissed off that I couldn’t beat Mideon & Viscera.
Did the Headbangers ever have a “heyday”? I came in and I remember them being jobbers in battle royales and occasional tag team jobbers. That’s one thing that stuck out: people bitch about the tag belts being dead now, but they were pretty fucking dead then too. No rose-colored glasses, they’ve needed revitalization for a LONG TIME.
When I was 11 I thought Albert was boring and lame because he was, because that’s all WWF gave him to do was to be boring and lame instead of awesome. When I was revisiting some matches when he won the IC title or whatever I went, “Holy shit this dude can move, I never realized this dude was this good. Weird.”
Damn, that Ho. In that picture she looks like Liz Phair’s trashy rebellious sister, haha.
I hope Chael Sonnen puts Bisping away with the anaconda vice. After pummeling him for 14 minutes, of course.
So, one thing I noticed when big dudes came out over the decades: how many times did Jim Ross say “BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP!” during this Rumble? Seemed like 4 or 5 each year.
And I dearly hope you’re still doing a B&W for tomorrow’s show, yes? Not that I’d wish you added work or stress but I WANT YOU TO WRITE ABOUT A DIFFERENT OLD WRESTLING THING EVERY SINGLE DAY INSTEAD OF HAVING A WORTHWHILE LIFE, because you are awesome and I relish every single one of these coming down the pipe, thanks man!
yep, doing an open thread for Sunday night and Best and Worst on Monday afternoon. Then another one, because I hate myself, on Tuesday.
YOUR SELF-LOATHING IS OUR GAIN
You know I was the biggest APA mark as a young boy… so I decided I should probably go back and check out some of their matches and stuff, because YouTube – and yikes. Sort of took away my last bit of childhood innocence. That one hurt.
On a better note: D’lo Brown. D’lo Brown for fucking EVER.
/record scratch
YOU LOOKIN’ AT THE REAL DEAL NOW.
/head bob
If that ever blared out on a WWE show again it might actually KILL me.
He showed up on Raw randomly a year or two ago and his music got NO reaction from the live crowd whatsoever. Which was sad. But it made my night to see him.
Damn it, Chael, you need to do more smashing!
Seriously, is nobody else watching UFC on Fox?
Argh, though Chael had an opening for an arm triangle!
He should win this fight, but MMA judges are all severely mentally handicapped.
That should “Argh, thought” not though. Typing human, English words are hard!
Jesus Christ! I can’t even correct myself without fucking it all up! I am the worst on the planet.
I always had a thing for Jacqueline. But I like the sistas.
I’m with you on Jackie. Back when I used to see her on the Smoky Mountain Wrestling or USWA (I can’t remember which it was now…), my nickname for her was Texas Titties cause she had a fantastic rack.
Main event time!
Phil “Mr. Wonderful” Davis – Best nickname taken from the name of your missing pet cat from college that some people would think is taken from a wrestler. Not sure how many other names even make that list.
C’mon Phil, stop getting put in the crucifix! Stop getting taken down, period, actually. Do more winning, Mr. Wonderful!
Though I don’t dislike Rashad. Just that Phil seems nicelier.
Last round, Phil! Can you pull it off? I kinda doubt it, but who knows. C’mon Mr. Wonderful, you pink short-short wearing snazzy dude!
Holy cow, Phil’s shin is bleeding! Now that’s some excessive kicking.
Damn good night of fights that, apparently, only I saw.
Thank you for this MrStroud. The total dead wrestler count for the night was six I believe (Blassie, Luna, Davey Boy, Crash, Bossman, Test), which isn’t nearly as bad as 2002 was (I think). I love the Rumbles for nostalgia. Like the 1990 Royal Rumble, I could watch that over and over again, but I wouldn’t ever sit through another Koko B. Ware appearance. I look forward to more of these, and I hope you keep the Rumbles as a voting option even though after tomorrow it won’t be topical for another year.
Brandon, I have to confess I’ve been reading your column for months without bothering to take time to comment. For that, I am sorry. There has been many a week where I look forward to Best and Worst more than Raw proper. Maybe that makes me a terrible wrestling fan. Just take it as a compliment and stop judging me.
Anyway, I figured this was a great time to make my presence known (acknowledge it!) since this was the first PPV event I ever attended. My 16-year-old self was not only willing but eager to Embrace the Attitude Hate and watch guys bleed and go through tables and thumbtacks and what have you. Just want to confirm that this was as awesome an event live as I’m sure it was to watch, especially when you were far away enough to not really be able to see Mae Young’s breasasisists.
Anyway, I love this column. Thanks for the trip down memory lane and for making wrestling (more) hilarious on a weekly basis. I look forward to providing more smarmy remarks in thus space in the coming weeks.
Also, have to admit that HHH’s music at this time is my favorite theme ever. Your thoughts?
Smarmy remarks and spelling errors, that is.
Must not forget the spelling errors.
Not a problem, thanks for reading and for commenting eventually. And yeah, H’s music was the best, especially before they added lyrics to it.
That Boondocks was JUST ON….. looking forward to the open thread tommorrow
Additional best for the dad in the white shirt who looks like he’s going “lol kane’s nipples”
God, all the stuff that happens here and that’s what I comment about.
Okay, here’s something: clarify the whole “no one googles for old show reports” thing you mention on the first page. Should we be googling for Best and Worst of Starrcade ’87 or something?
You shouldn’t have to apologize for being a Jeff Hardy fan in 2000. We didn’t know about (or didn’t know as much about) his personal problems and could just enjoy this wiry dude jumping and flipping off of high things onto other people. It was a more innocent time.
Also, this was fantastic. I refreshed periodically from the time I woke up until you posted and it was 100% worth it.
Thank you for this.
np
“- A.J. was not born when this show originally aired, so she will not be featured in the report.”
A.J. is 11?
jokes
Of course. We all know she’s 13!
To be fair, it’s not like a picture of 12-year-old AJ would be any better for the intentions of said stock photo.
I always loved Allie Sin, but have since moved onto girls who actually enjoy 9 penetrations at the same time, as opposed to the ones who obviously are just funding their heroin habit.
Excellent review. Would love to see some ECW PPV’s in the next poll. I went to several of them and everyone smells because they are all trash.
Remember Royal Rumble 2 when Demolition Ax drew #1 and then Demolition Smash drew #2?
You know I just reviewed the WCW PPV that went up against this and it was absolutely atrocious. There was one match worth watching and it involved Benoit. This show has hardly any low points, its kind of sad to compare/contrast the two.
Loving this review Brandon. Your style of review is really fun and different. Hope you do more of these. Just one question, did the Trips/Catcus match make you want to watch Raw this week even a little bit?
I have been reading the various uproxx sites for about a year now and this is the first time I’ve been compelled to comment. Thanks for doing this man and I really hope you do more of these.
Thanks, friend. I’ll see what I can do. I appreciate the comment.
Yeah Brandon, I feel like I don’t add this enough when I comment but thank you so much for these articles and the amount of time and thought you put into them. Knowing I’m getting this then two more for the next two days has me downright giddy.
I am going to be a fat skeleton from sitting still and writing like four days in a row.
And we’ll all love you for it.
Thought I’d pop up to second this statement and say another sincere thank you on behalf of your readers for putting your time and effort into doing these.
105 comments for a Royal Rumble that happened 12 years ago. Well done…well done.
Yeah, it turned out pretty well, huh?
You are the reason I say “on the reg” now! Love these things! You should do every one of “the big four” PPVs today…or whenever you get time.
I love that, but can’t really take credit for it. Kenny Powers is the reason I say it all the time.
It’s the same reason I say it on the reg, Brandon.
man…FLASHBACKS!
Dude, yeah, D’Lo, but shouldn’t Taz also be considered among most poorly used guys in WWF history? He wasn’t exactly the best thing that ever happened, but (as demonstrated here) he was over as all hell and could throw dudes around a lot. And then he…
I literally do not remember one single thing from Taz’s WWF run. Something about Jerry Lawler?
A Royal Rumble with so many stars with so many different gimmicks. Refreshing.
This is an incredibly cool idea that is executed in badass fashion. Props, Mr. Stroud.
Great article Brandon. Interestingly enough, over here in the UK this Rumble was shown live on national tv – who took one look at Mae Young’s boobs and decided they didn’t want to show wrestling any more. Can you blame them!?
Great read. Please continue with these. That Reby Sky joke was funny but mean as all getout.
This was so great. I am so glad that this column, and by extension Brandon Stroud, exist.
SLAUGHTERHOUSE HOOK LOL
Really good writeup, Brandon. I think you talk about the inherent contradictions not just in wrestling but in the emotional response one has to watching it. Very good review!
I hope this doesn’t come off in the wrong way but it came across a bit like the way The Masked Man writes. You’re always hysterical with lots of nuggets of brilliant analysis but this writeup went to something deeper.
Thanks for doing it! What else can we do to support future writeups of older events?
Question: is it racist to enjoy del Rio saying “champion”or hearing Santino say “mania”? If it is, I apologize.
One thing I’ll always remember about this was the RAW after, Big Show cut his hair and was pleading the whole ending to Triple H and DX (think they were there). And H did nothing but make jabs about his new haircut.
Anyway, apparently I have a whole bunch to comment on, so bear with me.
Firstly, I finished reading this report after watching the Rumble tonight. Road Dogg was there, people chanted “YOU STILL GOT IT” because he can wiggle his knees, and he easily handled some of the WWE’s most talented young heels. Seems perfectly reasonable and fair.
Also, I’m from southern Massachusetts (near the Connecticut line), and about a decade ago (right around this Rumble I believe actually), Backlund was running for some sort of political office in Connecticut. Every time the WWE came to Worcester, MA, he would be at a table collecting donations for his campaign. I’m the proud owner of a white t-shirt decorated with a screen-printed red bow tie, and if I remember correctly, Backlund was as cool as his in-ring persona. Granted, I was 13 years old or so and owned a Road Dogg t-shirt (it said “Doing It in the Dogg House”), so my judge of character may have been a little off, but I remember him being humble, funny, and having that look of passion/craziness in his eye that I remember from his feud with Bret Hart. Additionally, my parents were thrilled to take me to an event where I spent all of my birthday money on an awkward, sexually suggestive shirt for $35 and a political donation to an old man running for Republican office in a state that I didn’t even live.
Now on to Too Cool. I liked Too Cool a whole bunch when I was 13 years old. But what I am incredibly impressed by is how enjoyable that dance segment is. I’m old and grumpy now, but I smiled from ear to ear when I re-watched it this weekend. Additionally, at age 13, I had two best friends that liked wrestling as much as me. One had spiked hair and was excellent at doing “The Worm.” I was overweight, and on our eighth grade trip to New York City to see the Statue of Liberty, I bought a pair of fake yellow Oakleys from a street vendor. And the other friend ended up being kind of a fuck-up that got fired from his dad’s successful company for being unreliable, failing a drug test, and being kind of racist (that last one was an enjoyable coincidence). So we learned the Too Cool dance, burned a copy of the Too Cool theme song, gave the song to the DJ at our final middle school dance, and we did it in front of the entire school. So I can relate to Scottie 2 Hottie and Grandmasta, as dancing poorly in front of a fairly big crowd twelve years ago was probably the climax of my life as well.
Anyway, I’m excited to see some of your opinions on some older characters, Brandon. Loved reading this, specifically the ending.
a) I went to the premiere taping of XFL Gameday, so I can vouch for the awfulness of the wings at WWF NY.
b) Bradshaw always shined when he was turning on his partners and clotheslining people to Sheol. Back in ’98, he threw in a touch of elder abuse. [youtu.be]
c) Bowels, The Wrestler.
d) This brought back a lot of great memories, mostly of being a younger man in pre-Crisis New York City. Thank you for writing.
I’m leaving a comment here to help contribute to the possibility of more retrospective bests/worsts.
Also, I love The Rock but he had some shitty merchandise back then. Not that “Team Bring It” is all that much better.
One thing about your columns, Brandon, is that they remind me why I like wrestling. Sure, I enjoy the artform as much as comic books, slasher films, and Godzilla movies, but all of those also benefit from this realization:
I love bad shit because I love thinking _how it could be better_. I love watching them swing and miss and get soooooooo close to something great (probably even more than when they have those fleeting moment of greatness).
I think of being a prowrestling fan as standing around, holding my breath (when I know I shouldn’t) and then going “Aw, damn! Maybe next time it will be AWESOME!”
Thanks for being literary criticism for such a red-headed stepchild of entertainment.
I went on youtube and watched that Cactus Jack and HHH match mid-reading this review. It was a 30 minute match that felt like it was 10 minutes at most. Great recommendation and superb review!
If you find that girl from The Godfather’s ‘Ho Train (*groan*) can you please ask her if she knows who played Ryan Shamrock for like a month. I’m looking for similar closure.
Not to impugn your work, Brandon, but I’m fairly certain when Kane made his debut, he was wearing a one-sleeved outfit (just with no mesh). The second sleeve was added for the First Blood match with Austin – I vaguely remember the commentary team making a big deal about Kane’s new ring attire that left very little exposed skin to bleed. Even for the Inferno Match against ‘Taker he wore one sleeve. I always thought that was a little weird, that he set a house on fire and had no burns on one side of his body, but that’s what I remember.
…because if we all know one thing, it’s the the ROH program girls with the big tits are definitely the ones sending in all the top-secret tips to Internet reporters, and subsequently changing the long-term plans of WWE booking. Y’know, since they have all the scoopz. Naturally.
Holy shit, Swandive is writing about Royal Rumble 2000. I just had a flashback. When does the Scottish feller show up and start eating semen burritos?
You take that back about Test!
No, don’t can it. It’s good. “It” being this feature. Nice nostalgia. I dig.
You betta recanize who the hell I am!
Gold.
More PPV retrospectives, please.
Didn’t Angle steal the ankle lock from Ken Shamrock?
Got to say that I usually agree with your musings on the racial insensitivity of the WWF/E, but I can’t say it is fair to say that Rikishi rain over Austin because the WWF/E was racist. I believe he said he did it so that The Rock could reach the top of the WWF/E, which he definitely did while Austin was out, and Rikishi wanted The Rock to be successful because of their shared Samoan heritage. Now, incredible shitiness of said story aside, I don’t think it was too racist. I could be missing something though.
Great write-up, though! This is one of my favorite PPVs for the table match and street fight as well, and it is always nice revisiting a great PPV.
And + 15 at least for the Sovngarde comment.
+1