Worst: And Now The Women Are Wrestling, For No Raisin!
Raise your hand if you enjoyed Eve Torres wrestling Beth Phoenix on Raw. Now raise your hand if you enjoyed it for more than 30 seconds.
My first thought is “where the f**k was Kharma, they should’ve finally been able to wipe these matches off their dry erase board and get back to the story”, but my second thought was “I guess Beth Phoenix has to win some matches so people will remember she’s a wrestler with a thing when Kharma challenges her”. Then I thought about how Kharma said she was gonna murder the Bella Twins when she got back, and they were nowhere to be found. So my fourth thought was, “heh”.
Best: Three Words To Describe Eve Torres Collapsing In Helpless Terror Anytime Anything Happens
1. Smart
2. Sexy
3. Powerful
Eve’s job on the show now is to either win or lose a short match, then completely forget it happened in favor of complete and total emotional collapse. Somebody could hold up an 8 x 10 of Kane at this point and she’d pop her urinary tract. She should probably be ashamed of how she makes women look in the biggest role for women currently provided on WWE television, but I guess it’s no more insulting or worse for people than what they usually do.
With all these people getting raped and murdered and glovemouthed, Beth Phoenix should probably complain to her boss again about those unsafe working conditions.
Worst: John Cena Is Upset, Black, Happy, Lifting 800 Pound Steps
What’s funnier?
a) John Cena suddenly being able to throw around those steps it was so hard for him to pick up a couple of weeks ago
b) John Cena emoting “embracing the hate” with his face by pretending he’s a Tim & Eric Awesome Show character
c) John Cena emoting “embracing the hate” with his voice by yelling WE GONNA HAVE A PATHY UP IN HEEYA~! in his best urban preacher voice
d) Kane scampering away like a coward, muttering “wait sh*t hold on embrace slightly less hate”
If you picked “none of those things, Jesus” you are correct. Much in the way that Eve watching Zack Ryder get tombstoned did more in a moment than three weeks of horror movie cliches and backbreaking, a little blood and choking would get across “Cena has gone over the deep end” more than him having fun and being cheered.
Best: Eve As Miss Elizabeth Might Actually Make This Work
If the Kane/Zack Ryder/Eve/John Cena storyline ends with Cena falling in love with Eve and having that weird Hogan/Elizabeth “these are complex grown-up emotions and I probably shouldn’t be watching this” thing the MegaPowers did, yeah, that’ll be a good ending.
I feel like Cena could really benefit from having a valet who is essentially John Cena With A Vagina: she likes to work out, she hears you cheering for her when you aren’t, she’s got a grand total of four moves and she’s done a bad job of appropriating black culture. She wears the same terrible clothes every week. She’s got a strong jaw? I feel like I could write these forever.
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Two questions about the Raw main event at EC:
1. Why Kofi Kingston? and
2. Kofi Kingston, why?
because they need a dude in there who can climb and jump and they released John Morrison.
VOCARE AD REGNUM. That is all.
Because Alberto Del Rio is injured.
and rey’s still healing and sin cara is a walking and jeff hardy does not DARE to Be a Star
walking disaster, that is
I remain convinced that while Brandon’s answer is partially right, it’s also a case of “sorry your partner fucked up and is about to get his potheaded ass fired, so here’s a slot in the title match.”
Because [insert black people being good at jumping joke]
Also, with six competitors, they need at least one to not be white to avoid being called racist.
Are we sure that Fred Durst isn’t Alex Riley?
Now that you mention it… Jesus, no, we really don’t.
We need to check for herpes scars around the outskirts of his trunks. Only way we can be sure.
I’ll think of a real opinion later, but for now:
1. Great report, as always, Brandon.
2. Those screen grabs are excellent, so kudos are in order there too.
Question for Brandon/the assorted rabble, which I kind of posed last night and THESTINGER kind of disagreed with:
Will you accept bad CM Punk promos about masculinity, HHH ryzing terra all over the last quarter hour and Lawler being the unfunny Bizarro Archie Bunker IF, in exchange, you get three matches like Punk-Dragon, Orton-Ziggler and Miz-Kofi on your wrestling program every week?
For me, like, yeah. This is Monday Night Raw – the bar can only be set so high. The best episodes ever all had one or all of: bad nineties dudes who couldn’t move; terrible unfunny Attitude-era segments; horrible inexplicable things like early Chris Masters; Bob Holly. I am accustomed to taking the good with the bad.
I agree to an extent. Being a wrestling fan means you know how to take the bad with the good or at least learn to laugh at the bad. I’m just very uncomfortable with the crowd’s reaction to Punk and others saying ugly things.
Also, now that Punk is a face I think his attitude will only help to bury and discredit people he feuds with. That’s why I’m excited by his feud with Jericho: Jericho can go toe to toe with him. Anyone else would just be buried.
So, yeah, I agree with you but with some reservations.
Somewhat disappointingly, my answer sucks: I am sorta forced to accept those segments whether they’re good or not, because I’m betrothed to watch for the rest of my life, but the good matches don’t erase the terrible things they do to society between them. I can keep watching and providing constructive criticism until (hopefully) enough people listen.
No, that’s a good answer. And you should most definitely continue calling out the bullshit; unlike the rest of us, you actually have a soapbox to say things loudly.
Good stuff as always – you are the greatest promoter of in-ring action since Barry Blaustein. But, you know, in a way where that’s a compliment.
Good writeup, Brandon!
You hit on something that really resonates with me: Daniel Bryan is the first guy on television that I can relate to in forever. He reads Howard Zinn! He has a weird diet! He likes beards! I enjoy wrestling as an outside observer but for the first time in a long while I’m actually emotionally invested in a person. Is that weird?
I disagree a little about Punk. I agree that he’s too similar to Trips for my taste but then when Trips actually comes out I remember just how horrible Triple H actually is. Punk may suck as a face but he has a long way to go before he hits Triple H levels of terrible.
Really good writeup! Thanks for doing those Open Threads, they are seriously a lot of fun.
Wait, when did DC put out a regular sized “Son of the Demon”?
2006. Get yours today!
Also, the twitter comment that came with that AJ pic was awesome: “Kaitlyn is coming over to help decorate my neck brace with puffy Lisa Frank stickers. A unicorn will adorn my trachea.”
Accurately comparing HHH and CM Punk makes me sad. Please stop doing that.
Never been happier to hear the Undertaker bell. Do. Shut. Up. HHH
I live for these reports, so thank you Brandon. It makes me feel happy that I’m not alone. Thank you for the comments on Dolph. Seriously, he is the go-to guy right now when they need a great match and when they need someone to sell like nobody’s business. I heart Dolph and his awesome faux fur jacket. What we needed was a backstage moment of a camera pan of Bryan looking disapprovingly at Dolph, shaking his head and Dolph yelling “IT’S FAUX!!! Geez…” and walking away… Missed opportunity, Creative.
The CM Punk/Bryan match was for some of us, but definitely not the IWC as a whole. Because nothing makes them happy. That was a great match and I thought the ending was a good way to align Jericho/Punk. Code of Honor made me so freaking happy.
I, for one, can’t get last night’s discussion/fanfiction about Taker asking HHH to Wrestlemania with him and using the “Check Yes or No” note. Taker as a dejected girlfriend is etched in my brain forever.
The search term “Undertaker fanfiction” yielded a lot more results than I had hoped. Guess I should go update my livejournal. Who should I ship with Undertaker first?
If you can wade through the Sherlock/Watson fanfiction I’d suggest Tumblr for your Undertaker/HHH shipping needs instead of LJ. Although, let’s ship him with Orton first. I’m tired of Centon or PunkDelRio fic showing up on my dash. I wish I was making the existence of these things up… I am scared for humanity.
Punk: “You’re only vegan because your doctor made you be.”
Bryan: “yeah well you’re only straight edge because your dad was an abusive alcoholic”
If you ever apply to be on the WWE Creative team, please submit this as your sample piece. It’s simple, funny and tells the story. Great stuff.
Yeah plus “abusive alcoholic father” would probably help Punk get over with a lot of that middle America WWE crowd who still don’t give a shit about him.
(That was in poor taste, I know.)
Also, Brandon, I can personally attest to the fact that at least two of the STINGERS love you, too. Keep it up, stud.
3!
<3!
Geez, Eve. I feel like every Diva (Kharma excepted, but also because I don’t consider her a Diva) should dig into the WWE tape library and watch multiple matches involving Sensational Sherri. Like when she was with DiBiase, and he faced Bret Hart on Saturday Night’s Main Event (’91, let’s say?). She didn’t cower in fear – she punched Bret Hart right in his smug Canadian face. Besides, Jerry Lawler does enough to set women back in the industry. He doesn’t need any help.
This. So. This.
With the vegan issue and Jerry Lawler. You do know that you are getting mad at an old man who still thinks the height of comedy is making fat jokes about Vickie right? His joke book is from a used book store that he found back in the 80′s. I wouldn’t take it as a personal affront to your lifestyle.
On a happier note, Great article as always! Keep ‘em coming, tell the WithLeather powers that be that wrestling isn’t something to be ashamed of.
Belly Billboard is right. You have to RISE ABOVE VEGAN HATE, sir.
I can’t wait until some statutory rape charges stick and WWE is forced to replace Lawler permanently. I mean dude’s been announcing for 20 years, time for some new blood.
As much as I want BikerTaker to return, I think last night I would have had rather had bald, porkpie-hat-wearing Undertaker drive down to the ring in an Aztek, run over HHH, then get out and tell Laurinaitis to run.
Then drunkenly allude to his brother-in-law how Kane’s manipulation of elements is only a copy of his methods.
“Probably for the best that he didn’t, lest we forget last year’s “Is That Evan Bourne’s Big Brother”-Gate.”
I was there live for the debut of that haircut. It was the first and only Raw I have ever attended. It was the WORST.
Great article again. Even though I like Undertaker I really don’t want to see a HHH/Taker rematch, but at least he interrupted HHH firing Johnny Ace. Also he looked so sad when H refused to fight him.
I am hoping that Cody Rhodes or some other mid card ends up facing Undertaker at Wrestlemania instead of HHH again.
With Triple H not wanting to do it he’ll probably send someone he trusts to put on a good match.
Undertaker vs. Broomstick Wrestlemania XXVIII.
@Edzone Moppy is making his return to the WWE?
@mavanco I believe it’s still in an ironman match with flair.
Enjoyed your column per usual. The first thing I said to my hubby when Punk vs. Danielson was announced was, “I saw these guys at the Saint Paul Armory in ’04″ My hubby is not a wrestling fan and usually gives me a TON of crap for liking it but boy did he shut his mouth during this match. He loved it. To explain something, I’m 18 weeks pregnant and when they did the “Code of Honor” handshake, I makred out so hard that when I settled back down, I could feel my baby move. lol And while I am a meat eater, I’ve made many vegetarian/vegan recipes that we’ve really enjoyed. :-) And I love John Ace. I think he’s doing a very good job as GM.
Would John Cena with a Vagina be the Nurse of Thuganomics? I mean, I know women can be doctors but I don’t think the WWE does.
Schoolmarm of Thuganomics
” There need to be more people like that. People who will Wasteland you for suggesting we go to the f**king Olive Garden.”
If you count the time I gave my girlfriend Wasteland onto my bed (consensually and lovingly), then holy s*** you guys I’m Wade Barrett.
Whenever CM Punk comes out and does anything now, aside from shutting the hell up and wrestling, I make that same “this motherf*cker” face that he makes in that thumbnail. It’s a sad state of affairs. I used to be such a fan of the character… Oh, also, it’s kind of perplexing that you comment on the message it sends when Wwe decides to induct Mike “rapist” Tyson to the Hall of Fame, but then talk positively about Heath “I tried to sexually assault a female security guard” Slater whenever he’s on the show.I’m not trying to troll, just making an observation.
Some thoughts:
1) LOOK AT MY COMMENT, NOW WITH EMBEDDED VIDEO!
2) Daniel Bryan vs. CM Punk wrestling in a WWE Ring is amazing, but I wish they’d promote matches like this earlier so I could’ve gone to Raw last night–it’s a 2 hour drive, and I did the Rumble the night before, so I wasn’t feeling up to it. Had there been any suggestion that a match of that caliber would take place, I would’ve been there in a heartbeat.
3) I hope the HIGHER POWER (I assume your boss is secretly Vince) lets you post a b/w rumble, because I was there live and I feel I haven’t gotten my money’s worth until I read your recap. Do I need to click more links so you can post more wrestling?
Love this.
But one thing? We can hate on rapists, dog killers etc…. but we’re ok with guys who murder their family, dead wrestlers we romanticize, and guys that OD and are adulterers?
Yes.
ya, where do you draw the line with the preachiness? you’re absolutely right, brandon, that every person is entitled to their own opinion, but are people not entitled to 2nd chances? how are we supposed to respond to Tyson, shame and shun him until he dies? Jonie is right, alot of the guys we talk about and cheer for are really douchebags behind the scenes. Tyson was great for the WWF/E when he appeared, and so he’s being put into their wrestling Hall of Fame, not their overall-great-guy HOF.
Anywho, I do love the column and read it evry week.
I’m much more willing to forgive a guy like Vick (who ran a dog fighting ring with a bunch of worthless ugly ass bull-dogs…. but I dont think its ok to praise Eddie for overdosing and being inducted into the HOF before people like Savage etc… who were actually great and loved.
I will never defend Benoit nor argue he should be in the HOF. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to cheer a rapist who was in a few movies because he let his victims live.
Eddie and others who OD’d/cheated destroyed lives (mainly their own), but there’s a huge difference between overdosing and killing your wife and child and hanging yourself on a weight machine.
@Lil Jonie – So because the breed of dog he tortured and killed is not your favorite, e.g. “worthless ugly ass”, you are willing to forgive him? Also, they were Pitbulls not “bull-dogs”. I think that Vick deserves the same rights as any ex-con who served their sentence. While, I personally think the judicial system is completely fucked up, as it stands he paid for his crimes from a legal stand point. However, it doesn’t mean that I don’t and can’t think he is an a complete piece of shit.
There is no reason to use “Na Na Hey Hey” as your goodbye song when “Hit the Road Jack” still exists.
I personally like “Too Little Too Late” by JoJo.
“I said on the Grantland podcast that Laurinaitis is basically Ron Donald from ‘Party Down’ and I stand by it.” <<<<< THIS.
Yeah as if I couldn’t love Big Johnny anymore, seeing some Ron Donald in him means his pretty much my favorite thing ever now.
he needs a recurring segment where he tells Zack Ryder to get off the phone
I’d like to see him to the “losing a foot to pot” monologue to Evan Bourne verbatim.
“Johnny Excitement Dos” would also be outstanding.
Any reference to Soup R’ Crackers is fine with me.
It’s the fastest growing non-poultry, non-coffee franchise in southern California, of course I’m going to reference it.
Does this mean we’ll get to see Big Johnny chug a bottle of whiskey w/o blinking only to honk it all up next to Kelly Kelly at the end of Raw?
I’m with you about Heel Biker Taker, but don’t ever invoke “Rollin’,” not even as a joke.
I was under the impression that the unsaid answer to “What DO you eat?” was “shit.” Oh well, I guess that’s the fun of Lowest Common Denominator Mad Libs.
I can finally comment on my iPad. Fuck yeah! I’ve been reading these for a year now, but I was unable to comment until now. So here it is, your much requested comment from a dedicated reader. I must tell you brandon, you write the single best Raw recap on the internets. So keep it up! Second would be zjohn Canton of course, but you are the top.
Shame about the Vegan thing though, why give up on cheese? Why? So tasty! Cheeeeeese!
Because there are all kinds of tasty things to eat that didn’t come from animals. And Daiya cheese is a rad substitute, so hey.
I’ve read b&w of raw for a couple of months now, but I haven’t commented before now. I’ve been dling the PPVs for a while now, but two weeks ago I wanted to watch Raw so I’d have a better understanding on what you’re writing about Brandon. It’s still going on. So thanks for shortening my life with another two hours per week and thanks for retro Royal Rumble 2000. I think I have to watch the Table match and the Cactus match again too. You can do WrestleMania IV next time!
Oh man, that Tim & Eric comparison to Cena may have ruined him forever for me now. It’s gonna just SLAY me every time he makes a goofy face now (which is a lot).
Any chance you’ve seen B$M? Thoughts? You’re brilliant and I want to talk about wrestling, Karl Marx, and Tim and Eric with you, Mr Ham. <3
Aw thanks dude. Have not seen B$M but am extremely stoked too. We will discuss as soon as I have.
i swear i’ve never looked harder for a nipple than when eve got pinned. and when she rolled over. true story.
that was good times.
I suspended disbelief when Kane and Undertaker had a showdown of magical powers on RAW, but how am I ever supposed to believe there are real Vegans? How dumb do you think I am, Vince?
As someone who’s gone full-on vegan himself recently, it’s disappointing but not surprising that it’s become yet another “LESS OF A MAN” trope for WWE. In fact, it’s those tropes that consistently drive me away from actually watching Raw. So thank you for doing yeoman’s work in calling out their bullshit. It’s 2012, Vince. You already killed Adrian Adonis. Move on.
So now that it’s obvious that CM Punk’s cover-your-ass tweet after he got busted calling a fan a “homo” was superquick damage control and not at all sincere, can we revise the maxim that the best wrestling characters are that person, turned up 110%? Because I much prefer “insane cult leader” CM Punk or “tweener foil to Jeff Hardy” CM Punk to “smarmy dickface” CM Punk. (Psst! Dude, you’ve got a little “horrible and obvious issues with the ladies” on your face. Or is that Triple H’s sperm? OH ZING! *manufactures ringer tee, popularity inexplicably soars with neckbeards and mouthbreathers, many balls placed in purses*)
Speaking of Triple H, he can die in a fire any time now.
Don’t you know that “Vocare Ad Regnum” is “Latin” for “Fuck you, Vegans”?
+1
I was a vegetarian for a couple of years before becoming a vegan and I honestly never got any heat for it at all. From anybody. It was weird. I felt like maybe I was doing it wrong.
I’m really glad Punk changed music back in August so now it’s like they were always two different people. The Punk I love left as WWE champion and never came back. I hope he’s having a great time riding his bike in Chicago!
so many +1s
“I hope Doug Gilbert shows up on next week’s episode of Memphis Power-Pro Wrestling and says “YOU KNOW I’M DOUG GILBERT, AND JERRY LAWLER YOU ATE A MOCK CHICKEN SALAD SANDWICH, HAHA””
I love this forever.
“Undertaker’s dong”…. LOf’nL!
Also, Tweeted, ‘liked’, Google+’d, and Tumblr’d.
yes, but did you tumblr+? (thank you)
Brandon, I don’t know if you saw my response to the Royal Rumble open discussion when I said I disliked Internet Wrestling Fans and you asked (possibly jokingly) if I meant you. I most certainly didn’t. I was just feeling annoyed with everyone complaining about silly things (like Sheamus winning) and I got all annoyed and needed to vent. I shouldn’t have and I love Best and Worst and you are everything that makes a good Wrestling Fan period!
On topic, I loved this RAW minus the few things that you mentioned. CM Punk vs Bryan was filled with stiff kicks and chops and was all I needed!
I’m with you re: fuck Jerry Lawler. Fuck him and fuck the guys who talk in his ear who let his crap go but will banish Matt Striker to the hinterlands of NXT for, I dunno, too many quarters in the pronoun jar?
He makes ignorance cool. “Too bad you can’t understand what Rosa Mendes is saying,” he’ll comment as though she’s reading Don effing Quixote and not yelling “Look, look at them, go us” as anyone who’s set foot in a high school Spanish class would know.
So basically this is Sheamus.
Yeah remember when Sheamus was all about fighting against Irish stereotypes? God I’m such a mark for him and I am super pumped about him getting back in the main event sceen, but ever since he’s transitioned to “Great White” (WORST), him as a character has really sucked. He’s been, well yeah, see the above post. (Sheamus in the ring, however, is a FUCKING BEAST).
Great White Sheamus is a lame play off of Great White Shark. I could live with it if he didn’t immediately beat up brown people after getting the monikor. I still love him, fella.
When Sheamus won, I shouted “Whiskey for the Leperechauns! Whiskey for the Leperechauns!”
True story.
I think they should introduce a Protestant Irish character to have Sheamus feud with. If he is going to be all “Erin go Bragh” they may as well as make him go full tilt. Sheamus could even have a valet named Erin and then he and the Protestant guy can fight over her.
It is really hard to enjoy the WWE. You have to make so many apologies for it. As a straight white meat-eating beer-drinking male they rarely go out of there way to offend me. Instead they insult me by giving me what they think I want. WWE talks down to me more than I can handle sometimes. Worse, I have friends of many races/creeds/colors/sexual-preferences some who are vegans and some who don’t drink. How do I share my love of wrestling when the most accessible wrestling seems to hate them? It’s just terrible.
Watching a lot of older matches on YouTube, one of the common useless tropes of odious YouTube nostalgia is lamenting that the crowds are all universally terrible now, and sure, some of them are, but if you give the crowd something to cheer about, they can attach themselves greatly. I was thinking the same thing about this match: I knew Randy Orton was winning 100%, but I was elated to see such a well-formatted match. The crowd wasn’t on fire the whole show, but when they were seeing something worth it, they showed up. ONE TWO THREE indeed. The best sound in wrestling.
On Twitter I was making “[gimmick matches] for everyone” jokes all night, and the first was that I thought the disco ball meant that this was going to be a disco ball match, “Whoever brings the funk first wins”. It would last basically exactly as long as his current squash routines do.
I didn’t even notice the dinosaur thing, but that cracked me up pretty hard. Incidentally, the only reason I know anything about guys beyond the televised regulars is because of you. I was able to explain who AJ was when she showed up with Daniel Bryan, and remind my friends who her team member was. You are EDUCATIONAL as well as entertaining!
Because somebody asked for it yesterday. You’re welcome.
I like how Naomi is basically forklifting Cameron into a standing position.
I’ll forklift them.
/points to crotch
Needs DAT ASS edited in somewhere.
Mucho thanko
I don’t drink or smoke, not out of any moral hang-up but because I have a high constitution and liquor tastes gross. I always described myself as “straight edge without the douche”. The actual act is admirable but so many of the people are intolerable. Your rant about veganism is totally understandable and I get it completely, having to explain to people that doing something doesn’t mean I’m forcing my views on them, and like you said with food, you didn’t stop eating meat because you wanted people to think you were cool, you did it because it MADE YOU FEEL BETTER. It worked FOR YOU and it’s so tiresome how many people feel it is a personal affront to them that you don’t have the EXACT same consumption habits even if you’re cool being around when while THEY have theirs.
Bryan is still doing his heel routine so subtly that it’s almost backfiring to tie it into veganism because now so many idiots will be unsure why they hate him and that will end up being a hook for them to latch onto. “Oh, I guess I don’t like him because vegetables are for fags” and all the good things they were doing will backfire.
Also watching old YouTube matches I remembered that I liked Jerry Lawler as a heel announcer because he’s an asshole by nature (something Michael Cole isn’t), so if you just let Jerry Lawler shoot off with his normal bullshit and then tell us ALSO HE LIKES THE BAD GUYS BOOOO then we’ll go with it.
I’m also straight edge and it’s interesting to see who goes “okay” and who goes “wait, what? why would you do that to yourself?”
And Brandon, happy story. I was talking to an acquaintance yesterday and she said she was going to bake some vegan cookies. My response wasn’t “why don’t you eat real cookies?,” but “I’ve heard they’re awesome. I’d love to try them sometime.” Thanks for letting me know vegan cookies are delicious.
@chudleycannons – That is indeed a happy story. Vegan cookies are the bomb.
Also, while searching for a video of Punk talking about his father I found a straight-edge message board talking about him and damn, it made me want to have a drink. Remind me to never tell other straight-edgers about Punk. And hey, at least Danielson won an award for being vegan. All Punk got was message boards of edgers complaining about him misrepresenting him.
I’d go vegan if all I ate was vegan baked goods. Vegan baked goods are flippin’ amazing.
I tried to find a clip to go with this comment, but I’m bad at the internet.
John Cena’s voice on Raw reminded me of Chef’s Dad from South Park when they did the exorcism on Cartman.
Update: [www.southparkstudios.com]
perfect
So you’re saying the way for Kane to really make Cena embrace the hate is for him to offer the Loch Ness Monster tree fiddy?
I laughed at Cena’s goofy ass psycho killer smile. It was so cartoony that I laughed through the entire segment and all that.
Triple Nipple trying to justify firing Big Johnny was a big ball of awkward.
I have to admit, that sometimes The Best and Worst upsets me. Brandon, your references and writing style are outstanding, but as you pointed to in this article, opinions clash. However, after reading this week’s Best and Worst I checked out UGO’s version. HOLY SHIT. What an asshole that guy is. As long as you don’t ever refute a catch by commenters or a differing opinion with “I was too busy getting laid” I will never stray from the Best and Worst.
I’m just going to finally admit I like Kofi Kingston, and I no longer care whether he is basically in Rob Van Dam’s Spot Doer role or not. I’ve tried to be cool and act like I don’t like his matches, but I have come to the conclusion I look forward to watching his matches on RAW.
Embrace the sincerity!
Seriously, sincerity is awesome and you should love the things you love without being afraid or feeling the need to resort to sarcasm or snark.
Back when Lawler was a heel commentator, him making sexist and somewhat racist/uninformed remarks was just fine because he was…ya know, supposed to be an idiotiotic asshole. Now that he’s supposed to be the babyface commentator, he just sounds like a complete jackass.
You hate babyface Rock for the very reasons I hate babyface Lawler.
Daniel Bryan needs to come out on Smackdown spitting hot fire: “If I am just a vegan man you could’ve fooled me I’m the shit when these dudes talk they talking bull me AH.”
“I’m dominant, CM Punk calls me f*ggot cause he’s closeted. I’m hot as shit, AJ loves me with a broken neck.”
“Big Show crushes girls now, didn’t last year.”
And yes, I can do this forever and never think it’s not funny.
I’m enjoying it, if that helps.
‘can’t go HAM, I’m a vegan n***a. But I’ll still kick your prissy ass, Punk, if you ever insult me again.’ Because character development.
This is the best B & W you have ever done, bar none. I for one hope you dont do a Royal Rumble B & W because once you write Abbey Road, its pretty much just you writing crappy things with Destiny on tamborine from here, right?
Great night of wrestling last night, I think I preferred the way ended with the return of Undertaker as opposed to having the Punk-Bryan match last. Throwing the evaluation segment/Taker in the middle would’ve killed the momentum of the show.
You have the most hilarious voice ever via podcast. Makes Big Johnny sound like Regis by comparison.
I’m not sure I follow.
This is completely off topic but who wants to see Christian come back as a face and feud with Cody Rhodes over the IC Belt? This guy for sure.
I would’ve pointed it out on the B/W of Royal Rumble thread if there was one, but: my favourite moment of the Royal Rumble was Beth Phoenix brutally tagging in on Nikki Bella to win the women’s match. That was hilarious, and also a good character moment showing the (justifiable) contempt Beth Phoenix should have for a marginally-talented creampuff.
I laughed my ass off at the Regal/Laurenitis bit backstage. I want to believe that Regal was shooting on Big Johnny, trying to make him crack up on camera, but more likely it was all scripted. Still, conjoined twins locked in the attic? Bahahahahaa!
On the other hand, I was extremely annoyed that Chris Jericho interfered with the best match I’ve seen on RAW in months. They should clone that match for the next few PPV’s, but with a legit conclusion; I would be OK with that.
I don’t like heel Daniel Bryan. He doesn’t seem comfortable or capable as a heel. It feels like they told Captain Kangaroo one morning “shit on their pancakes, Bob, make em WEEP!” Uhhh… OK…
Punk’s “what DO you eat?” didn’t come across to me as a gay joke; I thought he was teasing Bryan about his alleged girlfriend AJ. It seemed to me that Bryan (in character) would be a lot more likely to react to being provoked about his girlfriend than taunted with a gay joke.
Please, WWE, stop putting Eve on television. I was hoping that this utterly pointless match/segment was going to lead to Kharma coming out to toss Eve and Beth around and make herself known, but no… more Kane-related horror. Argh.
Laurenitis putting on Chapstick in preparation for kissing Triple H’s ass was funny. Everything else Triple H said and did was not, nor was it entertaining. He comes across like a cartoon character that knows he’s a cartoon, that makes fun of the other toons for not being as smart and “in” as him. I used to look forward to seeing HHH, now the only thing I look forward to is hearing Motorhead when he shows up.
Everything Beth did at the end of that match was also one of my absolute favorite moments of the Rumble. That’s what she should be like all the time.
Daniel Bryan is a BORN heel. Give it time.
Great article as always, Brandon.
The best and worst made me get back into wrestling and for that I hate you.
I actually liked the Beth Phoenix-Eve squash if only because Beth Phoenix SHOULD destroy Eve every time they meet AND because I was convinced they were going to give Eve the title so she could wear it while she stood next to Zack Ryder crying her little eyes out. Yeah it was still 15 seconds of women’s wrestling, but at least it was the one I like beating the one I don’t like (but who is from my city bleh!) for once instead of my beloved Nattie Neidhart getting smushed by Alicia Fox or whatever.
Brandon writes: “a song that hasn’t existed outside of wrestling crowds and Remember The f**king Titans since like 1970.”
White Sox nation is dissapoint, son. Yeah, I know that means logic could dictate that Sox fan = wrestling fan and, well, part of that doesn’t lie.
I’m in the Tribe, so eff a dumb White Sox
Oh Brandon, I believe, my good sir, it is on now. South Side Pride. ;)
C’mon, my user pic is of me with Slider. What’d you expect?
I’m sure there’s a team we can both agree to loathe together. Embrace the hate and all. Or Kane might come after us and I don’t have a wheelchair handy…
If you guys root for the Sox you hate Detroit, right? We can hate Detroit together. Or Minnesota.
I thought the Yankees were the easiest team to hate, or did I miss something? Carlos Baerga is still on the Indians, right?
Yes, yes. Go on and hate the Tigers. That’s just what the Royals will be expecting. Then, in fifty years, while you are all misdirecting your hate towards Detroit, the Royals will rise up, and win the division!
/rubs hands together menacingly
//maniacal laughter
At least you’re optimistic, Dilfer.
My head asplode like it was watching Blake Griffin in last year’s dunk contest.
We can hate Minnesota together. Cleveland blows goats but Minny drinks hot donkey semen.
Now I’m off to plan how to deal with the rebuilding of the Sox.
Brandon, as per usual, you are the man. I continue to be amazed at your capacity to do all this for us fans. We’ve mostly got it easy as we sit back and make snarky comments and Simpsons references. I recommend you to every wrestling fan I know.
Okay, only on page 2, but “I LOVE YA, ALWAYS ‘AVE” is the highlight of my day. So far.
Lawler hates mayo all right, and he can’t eat mock chicken salad, that’s no joke. We gave it to him once, he threw up in the limo – the guy hates mock chicken salad. So I bring out a bunch of mock tuna fish sandwiches – he still doesn’t believe me. I say, Jerry, I’m allergic to mayo – which, by the way, is a lie. Lawler still doesn’t believe me, so I eat two of the sandwiches in front of him to prove it. So he eats one and a half sandwiches, one and a half sandwiches, before he realizes… it’s mock chicken salad.
I just wanted you to know that I appreciated this.
John Cena confused me last night. I mean, I saw him beat up Kane with the steel steps. But he was laughing and stuff. Plus, I do remember him beating up Del Rio in the same fashion too (in Mexico before Vengence). So I guess he won’t embrace the hate since its the same stuff he’s always done? Orton does it right; kicks the heels’ asses, but doesn’t crack wise. High marks for efficiency.
Also, a lot of your fantasy booking involved Triple H getting hit in the face. I like it.
I glovemouthed myself into unconsciousness at the first “Kiss My Ass Club” reference – did I miss anything important/painfully redundant?
Huzzah for another great Best and Worst!
Has there ever even been a bad Best and Worst?
The answer: NO!
It’s a run of perfection rivaling the 1992 Hawks of the Minnesota Pee Wee Hockey League (regular season results only).
Thanks for another good write up.
But don’t get upset when he loses a match he just brilliantly wrestled on the biggest wrestling company in the world’s flagship primetime show against a multiple-time heavyweight champion. He’s doing great. -Brandon
Excellent. I thought the same thing when fans were bitching about Christian losing the title a day after winning it. He was in a program with the number 2 guy (or 1b) in the company and was a focal point of the show. But I’m sure he’d much rather go to TNA and have a 3 month title reign that no one would know about.
Best: This Best or Worst
(Gimmick Infringement)
Oh, boy…somebody’s gonna get a poorly-worded tweet from Kurt Angle tonight…
Nah, he’ll just get a poorly worded tweet from someone who hacked Kurt Angle’s twitter.
I’m not gonna lie, I’d mark out if Kurt Angle tweeted me something shitty and weird.
I’m pretty sure we can make that happen, as long as somebody can figure out a way to get him to read a copy of what you wrote about him in the B&W Royal Rumble 2000 column.
…assuming we can find a way to do that.
…assuming that Angle can, in fact, read.
Mr. Stroud,
I registered to write this not as a dude commenting on your wrestling write up but as a consumer of your product (there is an appreciable difference). Simply put you absolutely need to turn down the frequency and vehemence of your personal views in the product you put out. It remains a major turnoff and many will be more likely to turn elsewhere for wrestling commentary, which as I am sure you know, is readily available elsewhere. Of course it is your product and you are free to do with it what you will, but it would be prudent to bear in mind that non-vegans and people who believe Mr.Vick’s 21 months of incarceration were sufficient click links and generate page views too.
“Vegan” being a talking point on the show necessitated my point of view on the matter. Whether you disagree with me on the ethics of it or not, the focus of the column is what I thought of the show, not necessarily an objective breakdown of results and news. Hopefully whether you disagree with me or not, you can see where I’m coming from.
Additionally, I’m guessing the people who believe Mr. Vick’s 21 months of incarceration were sufficient have heard “fuck mike vick” from someone before me, and probably care more about how their football team does than the ethical treatment of animals. If that’s fine for you, so be it, but it ain’t me.
I personally was interested in Brandon’s opinion on the whole vegan thing, because I’m not vegan and can’t see it through his eyes. Similarly, I’d like to hear a woman’s opinion on what they think of the women’s division, because I’m a man and can’t see it through their eyes. I find it very enlightening at times to hear someone’s opinion that doesn’t match my own. I also don’t agree with his take on Michael Vick, but to each their own. I’m not going to boycott his writing because I read something I don’t agree with, because I know going in I’m reading Brandon’s OPINION.
Sker has set up a fascinating
In all seriousness, I’m not sure how to turn down the vehemence. I really love wrestling, and I have trouble typing about it passively. Or speaking about it passively, if you’ve ever heard me on a podcast.
Damn it all to hell. That’s the second time a comment has posted prematurely. Happens a lot to guys my age I hear…
But seriously, Sker has set up a fascinating bar for any writer to clear. One would think it obvious when a column is called “Best and Worst,” that it would be apparent that what one writes is a wholly subjective take on the topic in question. Despite that, Sker suggests that writers in general (and Brandon in particular) tailor their opinions regarding certain specific aspects of the material in such a fashion as to not perturb anyone who could ostensibly view the material. Given the inherent diversity of the Internet–albeit not necessarily as much so at WL, one would assume–this seems like a rather significant windmill at which to tilt.
Writing a opinion piece on the internet while simultaneously trying not to ‘rock the boat’ seems like an exercise in futility, and honestly not all that much fun. All of the opinions Brandon expressed stemmed from something contained within the show he was reviewing. When the show used vegan-ism as a tool to generate heat and the writer of said article is a vegan himself, I damn well want to hear his take on it. I guess I can understand the argument to some degree, but we’re talking about a show where the color commentator repeatedly makes racist and sexist comments. If we’re talking about this stuff honestly and intelligently, some shit is gonna hit the fan at some point.
In short, what I’m trying to say is let it fly. I’d rather come here and read about wrestling and possibly stumble across an opinion I don’t agree with than read “radny Orton is gay!!1!!” on ANY wrestling site.
Hey Sker, you can always read my poorly written columns about Marxist analysis and wrestling!
I like it that Brandon is a Real Live Person with opinions, feelings, and a world view. That his opinions, feelings, and world view are eerily similar to my own doesn’t hurt. His has “baggage” and is up front about it and I dig it, sucka.
At risk of being called a pussy many times over, I will say that, as a vegetarian myself (not vegan), I struggle with the line of eating meat and eating vegetables. Clearly there is a big difference in terms of development of life forms and ethics and everything, but I personally struggle with the idea that I am killing anything for my own nourishment if it is not necessary. I know it may not make sense, but the idea that I am leaving a footprint of consumption on the earth is what gets me. But if you don’t do that, you are left with like eating eggs, milk, seeds, and stuff.
Anyhow, once again, if you read Best & Worst you care about/enjoy Brandon’s musings and opinions. At times you may not agree–I too don’t agree with the Vick standpoint–but you have to learn to let things go. Things like this should be seen through utilitarian eyes. It makes me much happier to read B&W, even if there are things I disagree with, than to not read. If that is not the case for someone, they should avoid it.
There are approximately eighty damn jillion places on the internet to find out what happened on Raw. I’m pretty sure that you can get detailed reports on freaking OKCupid if you look long enough.
I’m here because I not only enjoy Brandon’s opinions – even when I disagree with them – but I also think that the insight provided here actually enhances my enjoyment of the product. Which is a pretty huge achievement. Stroud, don’t tone down shit.
Your views are fine, I can totally understand the idea of “going to bed dreaming about heroes like me.” I get that, 100%, I really do, and thats cool, and have 0 issue g it in the piece. However, when I came across “There’s a speech that can be talking about it at length in the piece. However, when I came across “There’s a speech that can be made about compassion, the avoidance of guilt, the footprint we leave on the world we leave behind and the disconnect between cruelty and domestication” is when I rolled my eyes, scrolled down, figured out how to make an account, posted, and then Xed out of my browser tab. That’s what got me. I could even tolerate the attack on Mr.Lawler, who, I would agree, is a detestable figure. Essentially the message I’m just trying to get across here is, in the words of Michael Jordan “Republicans buy shoes too.” If you’re just a dude writing wrestling write-ups, that’s one thing, but as the editor of this site it would be wise to be aware of these issues. Also for what its worth, I’m from the Midwest, and am not now, nor have I ever been, a supporter of the franchises Mr.Vick has been contracted to.
Oh, now you’ve gone and done it–you made me actually click on a clip that did not involve the Funkasaurus. How could anyone not want to see Orton/Ziggler after reading that review? Worth the click, too. Well done, my friend.
i’d like to use my second post to apologize for not commenting every single week. i look forward to tuesday at 3:00 more than i do for monday at 9:00.
it drives me crazy that people have the audacity to boo laurinaitis rather than cheer and hold on to one of the best characters on the show.
punk/bryan was everything i could ask for.
Also, at the risk of repeating myself from another forum:
Johnny Ace for permanent president of RAW, forever.
Ricardo Rodriguez as his Executive Vice President of Being Fucking Awesome.
AND FURTHERMORE:
Dolph Ziggler is awesome, despite his horrid name. Dolph Ziggler will take an Implant Buster from Kharma, because he knows that she needs to look tremendously badass to re-establish her threat level after her pregnancy. Dolph Ziggler will take a loss to Randy Orton because it’s vitally important that, on the first Raw of his return after a back injury, that Orton reignites his heat. Dolph Ziggler will wrestle in a WWE championship match and take CM Punk to the limit and then show up not a half-hour later for a Royal Rumble.
If you fear that Dolph Ziggler is “getting buried” because of this, then you aren’t really paying attention and are letting the desperate wish-fulfillment that seems to embody IWC smarkdom wreak havoc with your perceptions. This is the same desperate wish-fulfillment that transforms a six-time world champion working a part-time schedule putting over a young up-and-comer who’s finding his momentum into a hate crime.
After listening to the Masked Man’s podcast interview with the former WWE writer, I am convinced that no one thinks as highly of the IWC as they themselves do.
You are the awesomest, Awesomus.
:O
:D
:O :O
:D :D
sir, I am honored.
I am so, so with you on this. I think one of the most important aspects of Ziggler is the utility. He can credibly challenge anyone – in losing he doesn’t really “lose” anything at all. He’s probably the best guy on the roster at (and I’m using a dated bit of smark here) “showing ass.” Meaning that you’ve got to be willing to give and look vulnerable in the context of a match. Wrestling depends on guys willing to take an ass kicking as much as it is dependent on guys dishing it out. If no one plays Ricky Morton then all hope is lost.
If you can’t tell, I happen to think that while we all hope for “change” certain archetypes exist for a reason. There is not an inconsiderable amount of cognitive dissonance being generated by having Punk as a babyface champ the way he is playing it with all the balls in purses and whatnot. More voice of the voiceless and less insulting would play better to what they’ve worked toward with him in the recent past. Nothing about his current commentary says “Confident.” It’s not that I’m telling them how or what to write it’s that as an observer of the story it’s not adding up to my understanding of the motivations presented.
On the other hand, I think they’ve done as nice a job as possible working Bryan through the impossible odds of keeping the championship against contenders like Mark Henry and Big Show. He can’t be “super-heel” against those two so they do something that works to get him through those immediate rematches. You let him operate in the gimmick against Barret, Rhodes, Orton and we will be dancing in the streets on a pure wrestling level.
Thanks again to all involved in comments and of course to Mr Stroud for writing such passionate and fun recaps.
If either Doctor Awesomus or JSmitty have longer writings on wrestling I would be excited to read them. You guys are great.
AJ’s hair bump is a sad reminder of the reality that she’s from New Jersey.
:(
I forgot to mention that CM Punk performed possibly the worst rendition of “Hey Hey Hey Goodbye” I’ve ever heard. I’m pretty sure it made most of the crowd stop doing it because they felt guilty for being able to stay on key.
First AJ, now Eve (kind of). THIS IS WHAT BETH PHOENIX WAS TALKING ABOUT, RIGHT???
Great wrestlers have a tendency to be dicks. Punk, Austin, Jericho, Michaels, Bret are all dicks.
The only thing I find really annoying about Punk right now is his shitty pandering homophobia onscreen, while being generally outspoken in favor of gay rights off screen. Oh and his WWE.com character is about a billion times better than Raw-Punk right now.
Does he have some articles or commentary there or something?
Good read. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed the show. HHH did his best to ruin it, but he wasn’t quite self-aggrandizing enough to overshadow probably the best night of wrestling in months. Unless of course, he follows up his “Be a star at the expense of others” rant with ANOTHER Taker match at Wrestlemania.
I think we need a Kane/Undertaker wig vs. wig match.
That’s why you don’t shave your head 6 weeks before you’re gonna show up, folks.
Also, CM Punk has reached the point where I dread him holding a microphone. Sad…
Disagree slightly. I don’t dread it, as I’d rather listen to him than let’s say, Swagger or Trips, but it makes me wish he was re-running the Straightedge Society or even being the Voice of the Voiceless.
#ReallyFearingAFunkasaurusMasonRyanFeud
I just got to catch up on what everyone has been commenting, and I have to say that these columns and this little but growing pocket of wrestling fans on WL are the best thing to happen to me as a wrestling fan in a long time. It’s so much more fun to talk about this stuff with people who don’t a) take this shit way too seriously, or b) are the lowest common denominator fans that non-wrestling fans think we all are. I don’t think there’s anywhere quite like it, and that is awesome.
Secondly, how in the hell is Taker going to pull off that wig for two months? Aside from attaching a chinstrap to his hat, I don’t see how this goes down without him ending up picking up his weave like a Jerry Springer guest.
Maybe Punk (you know, the real one from 2009 that left last Summer and NEVER CAME BACK and is riding his bike in Chicago) can induct him into the Straight Edge Society and do it offscreen to explain his baldness?
I’m hoping that the wig falls off in his Wrestlemania match and we just see Undertaker’s true form i.e flaming Ghost Rider head of Vengeance.
If these leads to Undertaker being managed by Nic Cage, I will literally cry with happiness.
Undertaker’s wig > Nic Cage’s wig
It is a waste of time to get mad at Lawler at this point. I will say I am appreciating a much more toned down Cole though.
When should they do Bryan vs Punk iron man match?
Every week
Here’s my only experience with a vegan so far in my life. At a house party, i was talking with a person when they felt the need to tell me they were vegan. I said, “Oh, cool. you know, i;ve been looking to cut out less meat in my diet for a while. Maybe you could give me some recipes for some delicious vegan dishes.” The vegan rolled their eyes and just walked away.
At the next PPV, i kind of hope Cena absolutely murders Kane in a bloody, 5 minute squash match. Then after the match, Cena grabs a mic and says, “sorry kane, embracing the hate isn’t really for me. I’m all about hustle, loyalty and respect. Thanks though.” And then he walks away.
I would also accept mid-way through the match, Kane starts yelling “Don’t embrace the hate! Don’t embrace the hate! I’m so sorry!”
You fool. it’s all or nothing, don’t you know?
I could watch Ziggler matches over and over again. I really think that after Bryan Danielson, Ziggler is my favorite WWE talent, because he makes people look so damn believable in that cartoony-wrestling-violence sort of way. The man knows how to sell.
LOL UNRELATED SHOVEL
Further, did NOT know that Jimmy Snuka probably beat a woman to death OR that it happened like 10 miles away from my parents’ house.
You learn awful things about everyone if you stay on the Internet long enough. I probably beat a stripper to death at some point during my life.
Brandon is reckless! SHE WAS 95 POUNDS!!!
Brandon, great column! After a strangely mediocre Royal Rumble, I was really happy with this Raw (it wasn’t perfect, but it had MOMENTS of perfect- that’s all I can ask for at this point)
Best: Regal. Good Green Gods, William Regal made me laugh, laugh again, and then laugh once more when I quoted him on facebook. Have him do interviews, put him on the mic, do something with him (other than release him).
Best: The wrestling.
The Best: Daniel Bryan, the Vegan Savior. Just bust out a “I learned it from watching you, dad!” to Punk.
The Best: Chapstick.
The Best: the look on Hunter’s face when the gong sounded.
“Go-to like Hirooki Goto.”
Uhhh, is that a DragonBall Z reference, dude??
It’s a phonetics/New Japan Pro Wrestling joke. [en.wikipedia.org]
I know dude, just yanking ur serious, bro!
One major point to make: I have finally figured out Triple H’s character and my revelation is that we shouldn’t blame him just for having bad hearing.
Clearly, Vince told him to be a face version of Honky-Tonk Man’s ‘Cool, Cocky(arrogant), Bad’ gimmick and Trips misheard him as saying ‘Tool, Cocky(like a giant phallus), Sad.’
Other than this therefore UNJUSTIFIED hatred of Trips, loved the column as usual, B, especially your points on Bryan and Punk’s mic battle. I desperately wanted Bryan to submit the shit out of Punk just because Punk was being a tool for 10 straight minutes.
Finally, as many others have said, thank God for the Undertaker, as I was about ready to punch my screen if Johnny had to kiss Triple H’s leathery ass.
Best of Bests: “Jay Briscoe’s infant f**king son” already cutting better promos than 75% of the current WWE roster.
(PS, Brandon – that kid’s a TODDLER. Ain’t no infants walking around in underpants. Am I the only commenter here with kids?).
Good work.
I know you kind of hate this sort of thing but I would like some kind of stat tracker for your bests and worsts. I would wager that William Regal is always a best. And rightfully so.
Damn it Brandon, you and Bryan are making me want to be a Vegan. I only ate carrots and salary at lunch damn it!
…financial joke?
Jesus, we are so close to the 200 comment mark that, I believe, has never been broken.
200 comment mark broken… break open the celebratory vegan wine…. I mean the celebratory wine.
/obviously without the cheese platter. We’ve got your back, Brandon.
Hip hip hooray
Y’know, even though it wasn’t *technically* a comment of the night, I’m treating my Lauranitis-is-Taker joke mention as such.
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