Best: MY ELBOW, BRO, ARE YOU SERIOUS
Or, “my elbro!”
I think my favorite part of the show was the very beginning. Nickelback announce that tonight’s Raw would be “all in, balls out” (explaining away the best and worst parts of Brodus Clay) and the camera starts panning down a row of WWE Universalities, and everybody’s all YEAH WOO I’M ON TV YEAH MY BALLS ARE OUT RAW IS WAR etc. Then, a weird bump. The next person you see is this guy, a fat guy in a CM Punk t-shirt and Zack Ryder Broski headband-slash-Scotty-2-Hotty-hair making a pained face, shaking out his arm. Working theory: the cameraman was walking backwards as he filmed and bumped the most “wrestling fan” wrestling fan in history in the elbow with his camera.
Secondary theory: This is the only living, breathing, romping stomping Virginasaurus in captivity.
(For want of a nail I could’ve been this guy. Thank God for tape trading and an inflated sense of self-worth.)
Worst: Take Your Vagina Out Of Your Sundress, Put On A Blue Shirt, Drink Light Beer And Face Me Like A Man
Once again, the show starts with CM Punk calling out Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of Raw John Laurinaitis out for social and emotional crimes against his person and simmers it (Indian-style) until everything’s evaporated and all he has left is “you are like a woman”. Seriously, this is like the fourth time he’s told Laurinaitis to “take [his] balls out of [his] purse” and face him like a man.
Ignoring what I usually gripe about here, why does he keep saying this? When he said it to Triple H, it was thematically appropriate — everyone knows Triple H is married to Vince McMahon’s daughter, so the suggestion that he has his balls in a woman’s purse is saying that he’s been emasculated by his controlling wife and can’t make any calls or decisions on his own. It makes him insecure, ineffective, less of a leader … and because Punk’s entire beef was that Triple H was doing a terrible job as Chief Operating Officer of WWE, it worked. When he says it to Laurinaitis, he’s basically just calling him a woman and deriding him for it. “You don’t have balls. You carry a purse. If you have balls, I assume you carry them in said purse.” I feel like there’s probably a better way to say “have integrity” than “you’d better have male reproductive organs attached to your body where I can see ‘em, or else“.
Quicker version, repeated ad nauseum: You are basically the best and coolest wrestler ever, Punk, stop taking so many sh*tty shortcuts. Eventually I’m going to forget your passion for THIS BUSINESS™ and only think of you as the guy who won’t shut up about testicles. So far, that guy in my brain is Test. You’re going to be where Test is.
Best: John Cena = John Laurinaitis, CM Punk = Eve
This (paraphrased) exchange reminded me way too much of last week’s awesome “shut your mouth and have some respect for authority” Shutdownanaitis on Eve Torres:
Punk: “Derp, hey John Cena, I didn’t want to talk to ‘We’ve Cena-Enough’, I wanted to rap with Boring Gay John Laurinaitis, the boring gay!”
Cena: “You need to shut the f**k up when grown folks is talkin’.”
Punk: “I’m sorry.” /sulks around in background making funny faces, because that’s what cool adults do
It was glorious. Cena pulled rank on him, and he grants 300 dying child wishes a year AND finds time to pal around with Ethan Embry AND wins WWE Championships on the reg so Punk can close his mouth and take his yukkin’-it-up-on-morning-radio ass to the background and deal with it. The fact that Punk seriously just shut up and let Cena go on and on about Zack Ryder’s poor baby body says a lot for the neutering Punk’s character has underwent since August, and at this point I would imagine his literal nuts are being toted along in some sort of over-the-shoulder bag. A satchel, maybe.
If you aren’t following Big Johnny on Twitter, you’re missing out on all sorts of crazy bests. Proof: his running commentary on the tag match he made to open Raw.
How you could be cheering for anyone else in this situation is beyond me. (Also, the high quality of the chairs confirms the stupidity of that R-Truth/John Morrison “suplex into comfort” spot from last year. If you’re gonna suplex somebody into something, make sure it’s low quality, like the tables under a ring in a bingo hall or the Impact set. I just want someone to get suplexed into a low quality chair and scream ARGHH, THE TWEED.)
Worst: Bait And Switch
As much as I wanted to see Johnny Ace vs. CM Punk as the main event of a Raw in 2012 (I did, that’s not sarcasm) (and yeah, mostly I wanted to see it so I could write ten paragraphs about a 46-year old bureaucrat hitting a cobra clutch suplex and a Johnny Spike on the WWE Champion for the win), the part of me that has watched wrestling for longer than two hours went, “there’s no way they’re going to have this match”. I guess I watched enough Nitro to not get excited for main events. I can’t even watch the ones that ARE good and AREN’T baited and switched because I’m looking at the clock, going “oh great it’s 10:54 and they’re still doing entrances” and assuming everything that goes with it. I figured Punk would end up trouncing Dave Otunga until Dolph Ziggler ran out and jumped him, and, well … I guess I won’t spoil it for you.
Fun fact: John Laurinaitis is only two years older than Kane. And only six older than R-Truth.