Worst: Daniel Bryan Saying “You People”
Yeah, I hated that.
Best: A.J. Told Daniel Bryan She Loves Him, And He Appreciates That
For the longest time I’ve had this hyperbolic joke where something really great happens, and I list off three or four ridiculous things I love that could never happen and say “that’s all that has to happen for this to be perfect!” For example, when I was younger it was “all they need is Ginger Spice sitting on a pile of money in a hockey jersey eating a Spicy Chicken Sandwich and this would be perfect”. Replace Ginger Spice with Hayley from Paramore and the Spicy Chicken Sandwich with something vegetable related that doesn’t make me sh*t blood and you’ve got the updated version. Anyway, I think WWE is f**king with me, because I can’t get any better than “heel World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan being awesome every week, bragging about his victory over The Big Show, giving me a reason to lord veganism over wrestling fans I know and giving Chickbuster A.J. main event exposure”. I guess A.J. could be in a hockey jersey.
And damn, I think a Daniel Bryan/CM Punk/Chris Jericho trios team is the best one I could come up with without namedropping Japan or bringing dead people back to life. Even when you take away Jericho and replace him with Mick Foley it works as an encapsulation of like the last 15 years of me loving wrestling. And even THAT gets better, because look at who they’re wrestling:
Worst: Dolph Ziggler, Mark Henry and David Otunga Entering Mid-Commercial Break, Mid-Chris Jericho Entrance
If you tossed Alberto Del Rio onto the team it’d be the guys I give the most Bests to in the Best And Worst Of Raw. Ziggler gets non-stop bests for being so brilliant in the ring, Henry gets them because he’s bringing back a terrific sort of lost character I’ve been hoping to see again in the big leagues for years, and Otunga gets them because he wears sweaters and drinks coffee. That’s killer.
Unfortunately, WWE’s production team doesn’t agree, because Chris Jericho made his entrance before the bad guys came out and they went to commercial, and when we came back Jericho’s music was still playing and everybody was in the ring. So either they entered during Jericho’s entrance, were hiding off-screen somewhere where I couldn’t see them or Jericho did something awesome during the commercial break to get his music playing again and we missed it. I’m going to hope it was the last part. I’m also going to hope that’s on WWE.com somewhere, because holy sh*t.
Best Ever: Chris Jericho’s Hot Tag
And speaking of
1. Chris Jericho
2. holy sh*t
…one of the best bests I’ve ever given has to go to Chris Jericho for convincing everybody this was the end of his trolling and he’d wrestle in a main event tag match only to milk a hot tag for the ENTIRE MATCH, take it, run around in the ring like a spaz getting basically every person in the building to stand up and cheer and then IMMEDIATELY BAILING. And he did it with a SMILE ON HIS FACE, like he was doing the right thing. Just walking down the ramp going YEAH~! I… I don’t even know what to say. Somehow the Man Of 1,004 Holds and the Best He Is At What He Does has created a third character and is somehow better than he has ever been. And he is literally doing nothing.
So now he’s destroyed the Returning Babyface Pop trope, the Legend Choked Up By An Emotional Welcome trope and the Hot Tag. What’s next, is he gonna wheel out a birthday cake?
Best: Hey Hey Hey Hey What Is Going On Here?
I want him to get the job as Raw General Manager only to have it usurped by his cool brother Rod. And I want Rod to be John Laurinaitis in a wig.
Best: CM Punk, Still Wrestling’s Best Heel
The ending to Raw was great. Absolutely fantastic for a few reasons, namely:
1. This is CM Punk with emphasis. I hate what he’s saying, especially when he immediately goes back to the “you don’t have balls!” sh*t, but even when he’s making me mad with his content he can make me INTERESTED with his delivery. THIS is CM Punk. CM Punk is not John Cena. He’s not great at those smarmy WHOOPSIE DID I MAEKS A PIPE BOMB >;) things, he’s a pissed off asshole who thinks he’s better than you and isn’t afraid to tell you. That’s what we liked about him in July. That’s what we liked about him at Comic-Con, and I guess that’s what we forgot we liked about him between X and Y. Right or wrong he should be PISSED THE F**K OFF and we should be able to feel it through our television screens.
2. John Laurinaitis is the good guy. This is confirmation. Punk is a little douchebag to him constantly for no reason and is forcing his hand. Punk pulling the “shut your mouth” rank on Laurinaitis after Laurinaitis pulled it on Eve is a great (and possibly incidental) callback and all that obviously undeserved stuff about Laurinaitis being pathetic and wanting to be like Punk made me want SO HARD for him to drop Punk in the middle with an Ace Crusher. I was rooting for him to flip out and start destroying people, and the fact that he didn’t and took a misdirected, cowardly way out is exceptional. He is shades of gray in a way that can work in wrestling — he’s not swerving constantly, he’s a guy with good intentions who happens to be sort of an asshole with an inferiority complex. CM Punk is a beloved guy with TERRIBLE intentions and a superiority complex. It’s perfect, and miles deeper than “redneck hates his overbearing boss”.
3. Best: Shut The F**k Up, Mick Foley
Laurinaitis, again, was completely right — Mick Foley wasn’t a part of the match. He wasn’t one of the people on the team, and you can’t just run out and throw in and start punching people. This isn’t Marvel Vs. Capcom, this is a job. There are rules. And while Punk has a loose but actual beef (Laurinaitis has backstabbed Vince and Triple H to get this position and has seemingly had it out for him since day one, and was the guy who was gonna run down and ring the bell to cost him the WWE title at Money in the Bank), Foley doesn’t. He has no right to call John Laurinaitis names and threaten him. For what? For not letting him waltz back in from TNA and get a spot in the Royal Rumble?
If Big Johnny can’t hit punk with an Ace Crusher to shut him up, I’m happy to see him go NUH UH and blast Foley in the face with a mic. Now, guess what? Foley has an actual beef. Punk has legitimate proof that this guy is out to ruin him and will get physical about it, and Laurinaitis manages to move forward as a character without compromising what makes him great. A great, constructive job all around. And fun to watch, too.
I swear to God if Triple H returns at the Rumble to keep Laurinaitis from screwing Punk and shows back up on Raw to ruin it and pedigrees the Funkasaurus onto a pile of Dolphs Ziggler or whatever I am never forgiving you.