Best: John Laurinaitis Trumping Six Months Of TNA Storytelling In One Dismissive Wank
My favorite moment on this show (outside of the killer ending segment, which we’ll get to) is Eve Torres backstage after Ryder’s match, trying to get in Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager Of Raw John Laurinaitis’ face about HOW COULD HE DO THIS and HOW COULD HE DO THAT and being completely and utterly shut the F down by “shut your mouth, have some respect”. She made an awesome “oh, well crap, okay” face and ACTUALLY SHUT UP. It was wonderful. He might as well have said “shut up, Eve, you’re Eve”.
I remember TNA doing that terrible “torn from the headlines” bullsh*t where Mr. Anderson got a concussion and kept getting forced into matches before he could recover, and he’d blade the back of his head or whatever and we’d go OH NO, CONCUSSION BLOOD and he’d melodramatically flop over and let Abyss or some other secretly 5-foot-2 sack of retread piss pin him. And keep in mind that TNA as a The Waltons hierarchy set up as management, so there was a huge thing about how maybe one guy was forcing him to wrestle but then someone else would stick up for him, and then two more general managers would appear from the shadows and put him into a tag team match HERE TONIGHT, but then Mike Tenay would rip off his flesh hood to reveal the ULTIMATE TOP SECRET GENERAL MANAGER and he’d make Anderson switch with Jeff Jarrett in a retirement on a pole match and blah blah blah blah … at any point ANY of those guys should’ve said “watch your mouth, have some respect” to these worthless characters and made a goddamn decision about it.
Best: Zack Ryder And Eve Torres As Compelling Babies-Face
Last week I got a lot of negative feedback that amounted to, “you are a smark and therefore do not understand Kane, here is why I liked his sh*tty segments: I liked them”. First of all, you guys have got to stop letting the f**king NetCop give you talking points. There is no such thing as a “smark”. You can’t be “smart”. You’re either in the business or you aren’t. If you’re in the business, you aren’t a mark. If you aren’t, you are. You don’t have to pretend you’re a part of something to enjoy it.
And frankly the term “mark” is pretty outdated and only appropriated by depressing wrestling guys born 80 years after the sport evolved past carnival sideshows who need a way to condescend on the people who support them. I’m consciously and willingly giving you money for something I understand. Going to see ‘Beauty And The Beast’ on stage doesn’t make me a Broadway “mark”, but at the same time, knowing Lumière is an actor and not literally a talking candelabra doesn’t make me “smart”. Stop calling Triple H “Paul” on the Internet and be a normal f**king person, please.
Anyway, what I’m getting at is that those Kane HORROR IN THAT ONE PARKING LOT AREA skits from last week were a bad idea executed badly, but I’m willing to give Zack Ryder a Best this week for sorta selling it like Zack Ryder The Character The Human Being might and to Eve for showing more purpose and emotion than she has since at LEAST before she Got Crunk. It worked this week. Ryder seemed like he was trying to keep his pride by gutting his way through a bad decision and Eve seemed legitimately worried for him, and not in that ER, HEY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, I SAW WHAT HAPPENED IN YOUR MATCH EARLIER TONIGHT thing Divas do. It was nice and normal and made sense, even if it was born from illogical Hell-Dragging crap.
Best: Jack Swagger Destroying A Handicapped Dude
I love love loved Jack Swagger participating in his scheduled, approved-and-organized-by-management match against a guy who wasn’t medically cleared but too stupid to take a knee and just wrecking him with three moves for the win. This is what I always talk about when Santino lasts more than a minute — wrestling logic is extremely basic, and the most basic story you can tell when a guy gets hurt is that his body won’t let him win. This is why story nonspecific no-selling is so annoying … you aren’t writing anything more complex than “John Cena’s leg is hurt, so Miz is targeting the leg” or whatever, so to have Cena just kinda run around on his leg and win like nothing matters defeats literally the only story you are telling. Why are you even telling stories? Just write it like an episode of Dragonball where Cena keeps healing and Miz goes WHATTTTTT with speed lines around his head. And if you’re gonna do that, just tell the no-selling story.
But yeah, Swagger should not have any trouble with a guy who isn’t medically cleared. Honestly Ryder got in too much offense. He shouldn’t have even been able to change out of his street clothes. Just have Ryder meander down in jeans and get punched in the chest once and pinned.
Worst: The World’s Most Popular Blogger
A few notes on Perez Hilton:
1. Is it weird to anyone else that they opened the show with CM Punk being all LOOK AT YOU IN YOUR FAGGY PINK SHIRT and then parading out Perez Hilton as a cool celebrity?
2. Is it weird to anyone else that Michael Cole has spent the last year condemning nerds and/or co-workers for using the Internet and called Josh Mathews a faggot on Twitter but finds it “very interesting” that Perez Hilton gets a lot of hits on his “personal website” and is “obsessed with the popular culture”?
3. Perez Hilton being “the world’s most popular blogger” makes me feel really terrible about myself. If you’re a baseball player, you get compared to Willie Mays or Babe Ruth. If you’re good at basketball, people wonder if you could be the next Michael Jordan. Movie directors get to live in the shadow of people like John Ford and Akira Kurosawa. I write on the Internet. The best person at what I do steals Sarah Jessica Parker candids from TMZ and writes YOU GO GIRL on them in MS Paint. The most popular blogger in the world is the ugly shouting guy who thought Seanbaby would be cooler if he made fewer jokes. That’s my holy grail. That’s the top of my craft.
4. I am not the World’s Most Popular anything, but I would be happy to make a guest appearance and introduce Alicia Fox to people on an episode of Raw. Additional talent: I like wrestling even when wrestling isn’t paying me to say I do.
5. I hated everything about this except for 4a) the announce team repeatedly calling him “Paris Hilton” and 4b) him ruining Twin Magic and yelling NO YOU’RE CHEATING~ at the Bellas on the outside. The only thing that would’ve made it better is if when the Bellas switched places he’d yelled WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WHAT WHAT WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
Whatever: Women Wrestled
I can’t keep giving these women worsts and explaining what they should be doing. They know what they should be doing and choose not to. It’s a fundamental difference in how WWE and I think pro wrestling works. It’s also a fundamental difference in how WWE and I think women work. From now on, these 40 second excuses to continue employing models so the Troops can pose with somebody hotter than Big Show are going to be brushed aside as continuing ignorance and ignored, and I will happily pick back up with them when Kharma returns, Portia Perez gets a WWE developmental contract and/or Kelly Kelly starts brainbustering people.
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*nods in agreement to everything you wrote about Foley, gets back to reading the rest.
You want Belding and Belding?
[www.savedbythebelding.com]
Happy Birthday, Brandon. I hope your Vegan Cake was less nerdy than a Michael Cole-led singalong.
Yes, my cake was the best: Check it out: [img836.imageshack.us]
nom nom nom
Hahaha I love that you ate almost half the cake before you realized “Oh shit, I should take a picture of this dope confection!”
I took a couple of pictures of it beforehand, this one just showed what was in the middle.
Smackdown live blog this week?
I’ll volunteer to mod if that helps.
Yes, I miss hanging out on Fridays with my fri…people I vaguely am familiar with from the comment section of a blog I read occasionally.
I do miss a good live blog. Especially when Barrett brought back his trench coat and I could only squeal in excitement in my own home. Well, I guess I did mention it on Twitter.
I’m really glad I like the same video games that you like! Also, next time you’re in the Philadelphia area drive up to Bethlehem and go to Vegan Treats. It’s worth the trip (from Philly, probably not from Austin I wouldn’t think).
I have totally had Vegan Treats and it’s amazing. I had it for the first time when I was in town for CHIKARA’s Aniversario Yang a couple of years ago.
Next step for Jericho is to eliminate himself from the Royal Rumble.
Ace is the best part of the show. His “I’m getting angry” twitch was hilarious. I loved it when he started walking around the ring getting angry sounding like some terrible improv actor.
^^THIS
Well done, Brandon. Also, I laughed like a madman at Jericho. He’s amazing.
I am of the (definitely unpopular) opinion that the Kane/Cena/Ryder/Eve storyline actually flipped all the way around into good this week. Poorly executed up to this point, and dragged down by Kane’s “the darkness around you people envelopes the object of sinister meaning and I will drag to hell the light of the shadow on the precipice of glory and I’m hanging on a moment with you” promos, but still. Like so:
-John Cena wants to be a nice dude, but is clearly swallowing his anger all the time. People boo him, The Rock makes him look stupid routinely, and like every wrestler in the history of time has tried to kill him.
-His principles won’t allow him to do anything but wander out to the ring and say “Hey, boo me if you want, it’s cool.” He even starts wearing Rise Above Hate shirts to try to convince people that he has no hate, no siree.
-Many others – Roddy Piper, CM Punk, et al – have tried to convince him that he can’t just suppress his rage, he’s gotta be real once in a damn while. He responds by suppressing rage even harder.
-Kane decides to mindf*ck him until he snaps, for some reason. (Amusement?)
-Kane notices that Cena has started treating Zack Ryder, easiest target since Virgil, into a little brother. So Kane messes with Ryder, because clearly it’s going to get Cena spittin’ mad.
-Ryder being Ryder, he gets himself even more kicked around the following week. (Kane knew this would happen.)
-Cena absolutely loses his sh*t.
-Johnny Ace, who only cares about deflecting anger away from himself, tosses Swagger up as a target, since Swagger had a match with Ryder.
-Cena, who is now blinded by rage, tries to kill Swagger, even though Swagger did nothing wrong or even untoward to anybody.
-Kane points out that Cena is an easily triggered rage monster.
-Cena sadface.
I hope it goes somewhere more interesting than “Cena does a five-knuckle shuffle on Kane at the Royal Rumble and then talks about the Rock for three months,” but I like it.
Very well said.
I agree with you about all of the execution reasons to have liked the final segment between Punk and the EVPoTR&IRGM, but I worry that now that all of the “just a regular guy trying to do his job and (sort of but not really) accidentally screwing Punk over” stuff is out the window, what we’ve got is just a pale shadow of Austin/McMahon. Because we’re not allowed to think critically about the merits of the arguments these guys are presenting, we just know we’re supposed to cheer for Punk no matter how much of a dick he is, and boo Johnny Ace because he’s the “authoritah figure”. I fear we have nowhere to go from here but down.
I AGREE WITH THIS. Funkhouser blew his whole “doing the right thing but being a dick about it legit” aura with his admission of intent to Montreal. An indignant response of being an honest man would have been great. He didn’t need to get a red lightsaber to shank Mick Windu.
@WhatYeah – thanks. I also thought JL introducing himself as the “Interim, soon to be PERMANENT Raw GM” was a bit of a giveaway that something’s going to happen soon as to WHO gets to be the permanent RAW GM.
Brandon talked about what Foley’s role should be backstage – this is it. Not Raw GM, but the guy backstage who’s enough of a student of the game and smart enough to point out to the “writers” when they’re being stupid (i.e., ALL OF THE TIME).
Pluralizing the first word of a two word phrase (ie Dolphs Ziggler) is always hilarious. Please keep doing it.
I’ll try. That The Onion joke about Whoppers Junior ruined me for life.
wow, Brandon is one of those DARE guys who has no sympathy for potheads. That’s one of the most depressing things I’ve ever read.
I totally have sympathy for potheads, some of my best friends are potheads. I just don’t have sympathy for potheads who fuck up their spectacular dream job because they can’t stop being potheads.
yeah, I guess if you’re going to be a pothead, drug addict, or alcoholic you need to cozy up to HHH first.
Its not so much getting in trouble for smoking pot. Its getting in trouble for smoking pot literally a week after coming back from getting in trouble the first time. Even Jeff Hardy gives himself two months before doing meth again.
djb, that’s a pretty fair point, but times have changed. There’s been enough guys who have died while employed by that company in the last 15 years that if they want to tell them “Hey, no drugs, but if you have problems, rehab is on us,” it’s hard to argue with a zero-tolerance policy. Smoking pot is nice, but if you can’t put it down to keep one of the handful of the best gigs in your industry, maybe you’re not worthy of their trust.
you show me one dude in the industry that’s died of pot and I’ll write you a check for 100 bucks here and now. This isn’t Meth Hardy at a PPV here. This is a laid back and talented dude that smokes bud. I think it’s pathetic that guys can go out and wrestle (and pass wellness policies) with slipped discs and out of line spines popping codeine and other opiates but I young guy smokes weed and he’s on your shit list. I’m one of those guys that suffered through Shawn Michaels losing his fucking smile after snorting 32 lines and fucking your mom. I think it’s ridiculous.
Sir, you have beef with the law, not with employers trying to abide by it.
You are right that I have beef with some laws; however, I’ve worked many a job that didn’t drug test as it was never actually required of them to do so. So far as insurance goes, believe it or not WWE performers are considered to be private contractors and are not under any WWE insurance policy. WWE is only insured with liability against lawsuits (which are actually waved by performing for them). Their wellness policy is not forced upon them by the law as far as my research can tell. Therefore it’s not a legal issue.
I should also point out that the WWE wellness policy does not punish for weed. Ted DiBiase gets caught literally every time and just pays a fine. Bourne was busted for a synthetic weed on a government watchlist, and he probably got busted with it again.
Did Funkosaurus already get a new backup dancer?
This is all just too great, thanks for writing the best Raw Write Up Review each and every week. I’m always looking forward to these and you’ve actually changed the way I look at wrestling. Keep up the great work Brandon.
“Rosa Mendes isn’t someone I’d bring up HD pictures of on my computer and wistfully think “wow, she’s so beautiful”, but if I was at a strip club and she was wearing what she wore last night, I would think “holy sh*t that stripper is beautiful”. Does that make sense?”
Perfect. Another valid description would be “She’s not supersexy, but if she worked the front desk at a hotel out of town you’d be all ‘wow…’ to yourself”
“Frosted Mini-Wheats Suit”, for the win.
Naturally, I read that as Frosted Mini-Wheats Slut the first time.
Ziggler referencing John Cena’s awkward running also deserves a best. That whole first segment was miles better than any Kane/ Cena bits have been. I’m totally onboard with a Foley/ Ziggler match at Wrestlemania, if they go that direction.
Also, thank you for the best for the raptor hands. I love the Funkasaurus.
Ziggler pointing out how awkward Cena runs would have been the Best Best on a show with many Bests if it wasn’t for our boy DBry right there. Dragon mentioning how much he appreciates AJ’s love was fucking hilarious. Heel Dragon is the BEST.
Long live the Funkasaurus! Great stuff!!! And once more, happy birthday.
Really disliked at the start of the show where Punk was calling Ziggler a cookie cutter WWE mold wrestler. What made his face turn work so well was that he was spouting out legitimate fan complaints that nobody was ever willing or able to address. Who was complaining about too many 6′, 210 lb. guys with charisma and wrestling ability to spare getting main event slots?
That’s a really great point.
Wait, was Toad Style a Naruto reference?
Hopefully it was a Five Deadly Venoms reference.
And now that I’ve brought up Five Deadly Venoms, I REALLY want Rock/Cena to be an iron maiden match. Whoever’s weak spot is discovered first loses!
I want this Jericho thing to last forever. He should not talk at all during this whole run and keep high fiving and trying to get the crowd into it, even after they are booing the living crap out of him. He should be oblivous to everything. Thats why I wished he would have stayed in the corner smiling after he tagged Bryan in, instead of walking off.
Raw bests: Jericho’s jacket, Laurinaitis, Funkmaster Clay, THE LAST SEGMENT.
B&W bests: JTG’s “This motherf*cker face”, 5ive reference.
Seriously, can we just acknowledge how awesome this music video is… [www.youtube.com]
I thought for sure you weren’t going to like that last segment.
I try not to just decide shit beforehand. I like to watch everything and give it a chance.
If I could Communicate Via Jacket my life would be so much better.
I’m still not getting the whole Cena/Ryder thing.
Unless they are building this to a homosexual relationship with Eve being Ryder’s beard. Thus creating the first openly gay tag team in WWE history. Unless that title belongs to Well-Dunn.
In all seriousness, it’s weird and not making any sense.
Also: Hayley from Paramore > Ginger Spice anyday.
But Rosa Mendes > Air.
Hogan/Flair at WM 8 would have been incredible.
Additional best: Ziggler calling out Cena’s ‘sassy’ running style from last week.
Great column, Brandon! Also, happy birthday! Good job on continuing your inexorable slide into the abyss, big guy!
I’m glad Punk is on the swing back towards being someone I like. Sure, he did some of his TripleH-too-cool-for-you shit but he was also pretty good later on, too.
I’m also glad you pointed out the whole mark and smark thing. What’s wrong with just watching rasslin’ because you’re a fan of it? Sure, I can predict what’s going to happen a lot of the time but as a longtime wrestling fan who has just recently started looking at online commentary I feel like I’m the only person who actually watches wrestling because I like it instead of because I hate it.
I don’t want to jinx anything but so far this year we’ve had a lot of character development. Laurinaitis is coming along as an excellent character. Daniel Bryan is coming out as an obnoxious passive-aggressive white knight wife beater (I swear I went to college with like 4 guys with this exact same personality). Even Cena has hopes of developing as a character. Wouldn’t it be great if his feud with Kane really taught him to hate and Wrestlemania was just him savaging The Rock in the most uncomfortable 70s-Italian-horror-movie way?
Also, I want to point out that Ziggler was amazing on the mic last night. He’s the first guy in a while to go toe to toe with Punk on a mic and not look worse off because of it.
Finally, why was D Bry on the face team last night? It’d be great if he was a Face on Raw and a Heel on Smackdown. Or something.
<3
Without hyperbole, Cena embracing hate and shoving Rock’s eyeballs into spikes would be the greatest thing in the history of pro wrestling, and possibly entertainment.
Bryan hasn’t completely turned. I think they’re building to a Bryan/Show/Henry triple threat at the Rumble, so they’ll keep him as a tweener for that and likely turn completely in the finish or post-match stuff.
Also, you could argue that Punk (and later Foley) were the only faces in the match at all, depending on how you want to classify Jeritroll.
I agree, Brandon. If something like that doesn’t happen the whole thing with Kane would have been pointless except that it gives Kane and Cena time to tread water. I guess that’s alright, it’s apparent that this storyline isn’t really directed at people like you or me but at people who are scared of Kane and relate to Cena. I’m coming to terms with WWE trying to appeal to as many people as possible so I don’t resent it when they do something that isn’t directed towards me. I have Chikara, afterall.
Mr Horny, can I call you Chorizo? Chorizo, I agree. I still think there’s a chance that Bryan will go back to being a face. I mean, Big Show comes off like he doesn’t really respect Bryan and that he feels like he somehow deserves the belt and that beating Bryan should just be a formality. If that angle is played up I could see them walking back some of D Bry’s heelishness and make it work.
I’m unsure about Punk as a face. It’s weird, I think Cena is a heel but he has the facade of a face. Punk has the facade of a heel but is seen as a face but then goes out of his way to pull a Triple H and attempt to bury people and go after gimmicks because he’s just too fucking cool for the WWE. So, I don’t know. I’m enjoying Jericho too much to call him a heel.
I liked the shit out of this show. Aside from that horrendous Perez Hilton garbage, I felt like everything had a point, which was great to see.
I really enjoyed seeing one of my favorite old-school story props with Ryder’s taped ribs. It’s one of those simple things that pops when Swagger’s dropping ten elbows across Ryder’s back, and really drives home the impact of all the power bombs. I’m not worried about Ryder sliding back, there are way too many foam fists to sell.
I really like how they’re dealing with both Bryan and Jericho. They’re not doing what they usually do and bludgeon the nuance out of everything. Bryan’s being dickish but he’s not being THAT different yet, and there’s no smoking gun as to how full of shit he’s been. Cold and Lawler are still treating Jericho like he’s just overcome with emotion, and not harping on him not talking. Contrasting that to the horror movie stuff last week and it’s amazing the same people are writing both.
Also: “f**k you, I have a gym membership and you stay in shape by downing fish oil and blowing loads onto your own 8 x 10s”
LOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLL
The opening segment was the worst. CM Punk is supposed to be the “Voice of the Voiceless” he should be the guy saying what right do you have to take a spot from a guy that worked there ass off all year. It just rang false with everything that Punk did last year.
That being said the closing segment was fantastic.
Moar Draugr references plz.
I really wish Mick Foley would get into slightly better shape. In “Foley is Good” he talks about how he managed to get his ass into a gym for his Rumble at the Garden match with Triple H, and he mentions it in a very offhand way like a chore he finally got around to. The point being: he CAN get into shape, right? He is physically capable of exercising? Because if he lost like 30-40 pounds he’d be much much more believable as someone who should be given an opportunity to do anything.
If I didn’t love Mick Foley’s promos, his writing, his ring psychology, I’d say hang it up, go away..you’re just too…unbelievable as a serious threat when you look like a beanbag that someone left their flannel shirt and sweatpants onto after a workout.
BUT his promos are incredible. Amazing. Foley should ALWAYS have more kids, always have more adventures, always want that one big last match. It’s who he is.
The Jericho/Michaels feud (face through the JeriTron!) did a decent job of wavering between who’s the good guy and who’s the absolute dick (answer: they were both dicks), so there is precedent to have hope for this Punk/Laurinaitis program.
It’s bad that when I actually watch Raw and I say to myself “well this will be getting a worst tomorrow.” Mostly it’s when CM Punk is on the screen.
Still, Funkasaurus is all I really need anymore. It’s the most pleasant thing with wrestling since Money in the Bank. Oh and Dolph Ziggler being incredible.
Finally, happy late birthday.
An important thing to remember is that I’ve been a huge CM Punk fan for years, so I tend to hold him to a higher standard than I might hold, say, Jack Swagger. I KNOW he’s better than some of the stuff he does and says, and I know he knows it.
the thing about marks and smarks and all that was great. i really cant stand a lot of the internet wrestling fans for reasons like that.
I can’t explain it but I get the biggest shit eating grin on my face when Brodus comes to the ring. Just the way he walks and the way it mixes with the music has me so entertained. Then he destroys in the ring.
Now we just gotta figure out who he can feud with first.
Yeah, I don’t know if it’s because I was reading old B&Ws recently, but when Cena flipped out on Swagger my first thought wasn’t “oh no he’s Embracing Hate”, my mind went directly to the whole “You’re a champion because of A BRIEFCASE! A BRIEFCASE!” thing when he flipped out on Alberto Del Rio for no reason to defend the honor of someone he didn’t even like for something everybody did. On Twitter I wrote “John Cena gets worked up about the randomest shit. Did anyone tell Eve that Zack Ryder’s heart is claimed by another?” and didn’t realize they were doing the Kane thing until they did that SUPERDRAMATIC CAMERA ANGLE as he cocked back to punch Swagger on the announce table.
Speaking of the weird uncomfortable CM Punk promos, I LOVE Punk not making a connection between his casual homophobia/misogyny and saying “Men have tried to screw me” all the time in the final segment.
His legendary promo and AKA The Masked Man’s writing about that promo for Grantland (don’t feel bad I found you later!) made me get back into wrestling for the first time since 2001 (right around Invasion), and this was BY FAR the best Raw I’ve seen since I started in late July. I mean, fuck, I saw Bryan come out and I looked down and saw there was 20 minutes left and went, “Whoa, this went by fast.” THAT NEVER HAPPENS.
It was a great show because it managed to be entertaining and tell a story and make its own internal sense while ALSO pointing to places for these characters to go in the weeks going forward, there’s a myriad of different things that all of these characters could do, and they ALL have intriguing storylines and different things they’re all doing that are MEANINGFUL and INTERESTING, and I’m fucking INTRIGUED for where we go in these next few weeks. So rarely does the WWE seem to care about table setting, for a while it just seemed like every week ended with all the good guys in the ring at the end of the show with the crowd applauding after they easily dispatched all the bad guys even if there was a supposedly “big match” between the good guy and the bad guy coming up soon. This wasn’t a show about the wrestling soap opera giant swerve bullshit twists that don’t make any sense, this was telling stories that made sense and continuing on, setting things up for MULTIPLE possibilities with a myriad of characters having stories that actually matter. considering there’s been several PPVs this year that filled their card with a couple big matches with little buildup and a bunch of random unannounced matches that didn’t mean anything, I am AMPED as to where this goes (presumably somewhere disappointing and stupid as they always seem to fuck everything up, but hell, I can hope).
Also, as I commended you for on Twitter, holy shit you made a 5ive reference. That song is now in my head for the day and I’m totally fine with it.
I’m with you. I’m excited to see where things go and am sincerely enjoying watching. Raw has gotten a lot better in the last few weeks and I’m hopeful for where things go.
My favorite moment of the night: Perez Hilton was going to fistfight the Bella Twins, but Kelly Kelly and Alicia Fox show up, and the Bella Twins run away because… they are afraid of getting rolled up when they are looking the other way?
Hahaha
+1 for Lumiere references.
[imageshack.us]
THESTINGER approves of this piece of INTERNET JPG HUMOUR.
Loved the column, as usual. The reason that this was a GREAT Raw is the fact that my husband, who is NOT a wrestling fan in the least, sat down to watch the last hour w/ me and loved it. It was entertaining as hell. The whole Jericho thing is an absolute hoot. And I have to say, as a woman, I think Dolph Ziggler looks hot as HELL in pink. :-D
I disagree that Laurinaitis is “the good guy” here. He may be the closest to rational in terms of his actions, but close only counts in horseshoes and nuclear warfare, as they say. He’s clearly still a sycophant, a weak sell-out guy with an inferiority complex. Those guys can’t be the “good guy” in wrestling shows, look at Eric Bischoff!
But, like E-Money at his best, Johnny is definitely a consistently interesting character and this latest turn toward random acts of violence should help keep things interesting.
I have a feeling the Jericho thing will eventually lead back to those promo’s before his return. The reason he isn’t doing anything is due to not getting the ‘ok’ from his lady friend whomever that is. (his only two female managers ever were Stephanie and Chyna *shudder*)
Beautiful 5ive reference. Easily my seventh favorite one hit wonder boy band of the 90s.
Nothing really to add, just love re-living RAW, especially such an entertaining one.
Can we have an ironic Big Johnny “future endeavored” of Evan Bourne? If he’s going to wash out as a disappointment, at least we can get the entertainment value that we got with Morrison.
One thing I noticed last night and told my wife about was how fantastic it is to listen to Michael Cole during Daniel Bryan’s gradual turn. It’s clear that he’s being a dick, and you can hear Michael Cole on a live mic trying to figure out what the fuck he should say about him. Cole’s spent the better part of a year and a half calling him every name in the book and saying every horrible thing he can fathom about Bryan, vegans, Asparagus the Wonder Dog, etc. It’s positively wonderful to hear him struggle to figure out where he should go with this because it’s clear he doesn’t have a clue.
YES!
Worst: See, it’s funny because she’s not a glamour model. Haha. Good one, Punk! By the way, kids, don’t be a bully.
Best: Being wrong about thinking Ryder would somehow beat Swagger. That should be the result every time someone who is not medically cleared to compete faces a competent wrestler.
Worst: Perez Hilton
Best: This Divas segment not being any discernable worse than usual.
Eternal Best: Wade Barrett’s coat
Best: R-Truth being pretty good as a face too.
Best: Cena character development?
Worst: I think Kane is the Emperor and read his lines from the Return of the Jedi script
Best: Daniel Bryan as the obvious guilty guy that pleads his innocence. He is this weird heel that isn’t annoying and doesn’t run away. He is underhanded and sneaky, and that gives him the confidence to take on any comer.
Best: Johnny calling Punk a bully. It’s great motivation for his screwjob and good story development. Let’s be honest, Punk has been a dick for the last few months.
Ok so I have to admit that I’ve enjoyed Funkasaurus, but I haven’t quite loved him the way a lot of the peeps around here have. BUT: The way he yelled “Should I GET him?!” last night was the best fucking thing I have ever seen in my life. I’m very, very sold.
And oh man yeah how great is it to see Bryan being booked correctly as champion? I remember when he won the title we were all: “so how many shows until he drops the title? One or two?” And now not only is he still the champion but he’s being awesome at it. I love that he’s a little cowardly but not overly by any means. He accepts challenges from Big Show and Mark Henry, but hesitantly. He runs from Henry, but just for a few seconds then turns around and tries to slug him. It’s great, it’s just been great. And yeah the “you people” sucked but I would like to see him snap at the crowd eventually for the boos. Get a little more edge to him. Or he could just break someone’s fucking arm when he won’t break a hold that would be boss.
My question though, is this the start of a Henry face turn? I mean as long as they don’t shoehorn Big Show into the Smackdown match this week (which they will I’m sure), Henry is definitely gonna get some pops when he starts hammering Bryan right? He was shitting on Cole last week, he didn’t just destroy Bryan at first last night he just stuck him outside the ring. Face turn, right? I mean, as long he keeps being a FUCKING BEAST and never, ever smiles, EVER, I’m all for it.
Best RAW in a while though.
Also how about a Best for Bryan botching that leapfrog, grabbing his knee, and Ziggler IMMEDIATELY improving and attacking the knee. Awesome.
Oh and did anyone else catch Ziggler making a quick joke about how hilariously Cena ran out to save Ryder last week? It was in the opening segment.
Read all the comments. derpderp!
DERP sorry.
I don’t know how anybody could not like Johnny Ace after this. This was perfect.
Great writeup this week Brandon. Ziggler in the 1st segment was fucking phenomenal. I loved every part of it. As much as Foley is awesome, watching sad, fat, old Foley isn’t really something I want to do right now.
Glad you said something about the Bryan “you people.” What gets clearer in a heel turn than that? My only fear is the endgame is an AJ-Big Show coupling because small people with big people is hilarrrrrrrrious. Overall, damn good show.
Cena doing the heavy steps thing is always fairly ridiculous, but I don’t hate it from the standpoint of by doing that, if you get hit with them it should hurt like a damn missile just hit you.
The only thing Lauranitis needs to do to further his awesome is take someone knocked out and lay his “Future Endeavored” shirt on somebody. Would’ve been epic last night, best would’ve been when Morrison got SCF’ed through the ramp and Johnny came out to smirk if he’d done it then.
Funkasaurus>>>>>>>>>>>>>> all. His random aside yells mid match are always hilarious. Good episode for the most part
Your idea about house shows being somewhat relevant is a really good idea that I’ve been saying for years. It also makes people buying the tickets think they are seeing something more than an exhibition match.
“F**k being a heel, Cena needs to be a Godless mechanism of destruction. He feels no pain because he causes all of it.”
That would be rad.
10000 Best to Dolph Ziggler in the opening segment against Foley. At one point, after Ziggler went on a passionate rant, Foley looked genuinely impressed with what Dolph was saying.
Another best: 8 women were in/mentioned in Raw storylines. That is awesome.
I may be late to the party on this comparison since I’ve missed the last couple Raws, but does this mean John Cena is Anakin Skywalker? If so, does that mean that Zack Ryder is Obi-Wan Kenobi and Eve Torres is Jar Jar Binks?
Eve Torres has ALWAYS been Jar Jar Binks.
That description of Rosa as hot but not really, in a stripper way is so accurate its amazing. Her body is great, the face is just a bit off, but turn down the lights and throw some 50 cent on and suddenly you can’t get enough.
“…but turn down the lights and throw some 50 cent on and suddenly you can’t get enough.” Spot. On.
Am i the only one who noticed Ziggler’s wicked ponytail last night or has he been doing that for a while now?
First I’ve noticed it at least. It ruled.
I liked the Cena flipping out and almost killing Jack Swagger angle. It makes sense in the “embrace the hate” scenario. The ending segment was great as well even if I feel it went on too long. I think the segment hit the highest point during Punks rant. Having it continue past that felt tacked on, even if the Johnny Ace stuff was decent.
Also, I find it strange that you criticize the WWE for “being racist” but fail to criticize them for throwing around anorexia like it isn’t a big deal.
The only thing I 100% agree with you on is how stupid Evan Bourne must be to fuck up the job of a lifetime but being a stoner. Complete dumbass move on his part.
1. I was upset with the pink shirt too, but for entirely different reasons. Ziggler’s clearly a summer, and that pink bleaches him out. I would’ve gone with a nice cornflower blue, personally. … I’m done now.
2. Vickie’s response should be “If you think I’m ugly, please tell that to Eddie, because he thought I was gorgeous. Oh and by the way, I popped out two human beings and I look pretty fuckin’ good for a middle-aged mom.” And she does.
3. I’m with you on the Bourne thing. I think the rule’s pretty silly so long as the smoking doesn’t affect the wrestlers’ in-ring performance (I’ve never seen Sydal wrestle obviously stoned, unlike London), but it’s company policy and if you don’t follow it, sorry Charlie. If I was fortunate/talented enough to wrestle my way to the WWE and their corporate policy said I had to wear a sombrero at all times, I’d be all “canta y no llores” and wear the got-damn sombrero. Also, the formerly Jamaican guy with dreads and the reggae theme song ISN’T the member of the tag team caught smoking pot. How about that.
4. I wish R-Truth was still a heel so that even if I can’t have Awesome Truth, I could have a Rain Man/Of Mice and Men tag team.
5. Has Teddy Long ever been called “peanut head” by a wrestler on air? Because I’d shit myself if he was like “Now hole onna minnit playa, you’re gon be wreslin taNIGHT, ’cause it’s Jack SWAGGA… versus RANDAH ORTON” and Swagger just looked at him in disgust and said, “You have a peanut head.” And walked away.
6. I still suspect that WWE will find a way to ruin Brodus, but might I say that, for the meantime, I love his moveset: the running headbutt, the exploder, and the Tursas Memorial Fat Man Running Crossbody Pin.
R-Truth teaming with Barrett, that is.
He could team with Sheamus as Ebony and Ivory.
The only negative in this whole D-Bry story is getting people to boo AJ. SHE IS PRECIOUS AND 95 POUNDS GODDAMNIT.
Surprised you didn’t mention the whole *Kane summons fireballs, appear three seconds later*. Also, Lawler was in awful form today, excusing Cena beating the shit out of Swagger for no reason and living with his head in his ass trying to deny that Swagger got screwed vs. Punk last week. No one buys it yet he keeps making excuses for the good guys!
Finally, Teddy Long is incompetent. Straight up the worst. Not that Laurinaitis isn’t a devious nincompoop either, he’s just more entertaining. Screwing Ryder out of the title by not overturning the result but managing to give a shit about the 6 man tag team? One of many dick moves, and it’s awesome. Wheras Teddy Long makes D-Bry defend the title like 3 consecutive weeks. On the heels of forcing Christian to defend his title against Orton for no reason.
Also should add that Asparagus should be off limits, along with AJ, on the list of “Things that should be booed.”
I had to stop reading this B&W thanks to your incredibly descriptive TOS Pike reference, so bravo to you sir on your birthday and the best Star Trek wrestling gag I have ever read.
I’ve also got to give it up for AndyCandy and the idea that Laurinaitis is not the good guy here; he’s a rules lawyer, a stickler for middle management and the fiercest show of violence he’s mustered in his disagreement with Punk is popping a fat guy in the face with a mic. I’m not saying he’s not rational, nor am I saying that he’s not right. We do have rules and laws that the WWE is supposed to run by but no one wants to play D&D with a goddamned rules lawyer, we just want to fight.
Damn son you on another level this week.
Meltzer actually reported this week that Paris Hilton’s RAW IS WAR t-shirt is gonna come in on an ATV and win the Royal Rumble…eat it up IWC.
After a six month or so return to enjoying wrestling, I’ve stopped watching since the Christmas show in Charlotte debacle (or there abouts) and just kept up via your columns. It’s sort of like how I stopped playing World of Warcraft but still read news sites related to it, just to see what’s going on. With each successive relapse the tropes take less and less time to become credible and now, here, in the PG era of WWE they have even fewer to work with. As much as one might hope this would cause them to look inward and create new dynamics for the show and for the characters, when you boil it all down, what you have are semi-sanitized (LOL we can still say ass, damn, and bitch [so long as we make sure it's clear we mean female dog]) bad acting athletes. And their entire acting palette has been reduced to boot. So, thanks for keeping me in the loop, but between Christmas in Charlotte and the return of Kane, I think I’ll show myself the door. If for no other reason than I don’t want to watch “Triple H returns at the Rumble to keep Laurinaitis from screwing Punk and shows back up on Raw to ruin it and pedigrees the Funkasaurus onto a pile of Dolphs Ziggler or whatever” You know it’s coming. Maybe not at Rumble, maybe not at the next PPV, but soon. And for the rest of WWE’s life.
Wait, did Laurinaitis force Ryder to compete even though he wasn’t medically cleared? Would that be grounds to reverse the decision and the title loss, just as Teddy Long did with Bryan and Henry a couple weeks back? Or would Big Johnny just not do it because he’s an AWESOME heel?
Laurinaitis didn’t read the letter stating that Ryder wasn’t cleared to compete until after the match! WHOOPS OH WELL SORRY BRO
I do not know who John Ford or Akira Kurosawa are. I am 29 years old.
This is your fault. You should.
“WITH A TEAR……. IN MY EYE……” Flair was amazing.
Someone previously compared John Laurinaitis’s on-screen character with that of Michael Scott, and I think that could give WWE writers an out for keeping Mr. Excitement away from full-on heel tropes.
Why not have Laurinaitis come out next week and apologize for his outburst? He could say that he was upset about what an employee said about him, and he acted inappropriately. He could do it in a way where it’s still clear to smart fans that he knows what he was doing, but provide just enough shades of grey where he can remain this kind of aloof boss accidentally doing bad stuff. Hell, he could even say he’s going to refer to an anger management counselor, and just have it be Otunga or something.
Dear gawd but I love me some Funkasaurus. Glad to see his backup dancers are in sync this time. I know eventually this gimmick is going to get tired and old like pretty much every fun gimmick I’ve ever seen on WWE, but damn, I am going to enjoy the hell out of it while I can.
Also, BUTT JIGGLE! *dies*
Not sure if this is a Best or Worst, but I thought Perez Hilton was Daniel Bryan when he came out last night and in the image today. We’ll go ahead and give it a Best, because hey, why not?
Bourne knows the rules and still screwed not only himself, but Kofi as well(Kofi is the most underused/misused guy in the business IMHO..Thought he was gonna get the star treatment against Orton but that was screwed up. He can cut a decent promo and can do all the exciting moves that makes people stand and clap. He is Shelton Benjamin with mic skills) The Cena/Kane angle is weird. If they’re trying to get Cena to snap and become a heel in time for Mania so they can have a good ol fashioned Baddie vs. Goodie match then this is necessary. If it is just filler until Mania and there is no payoff or ramifications to this angle it is just a giant waste of time. People saying Ryder lost is push because he lost his title might be right but I see it as the writers actually investing Ryder by giving him adversity. If he just beat guys like Swagger,,santino and other mid to low card guys he wouldn’t have a point. He now has a point. I’m sure he and Swagger are gonna have a rematch at some point. The Diva division is a complete waste of time. Laurinitis’ evolution has been the most interesting thing that came out of CM Punk’s revolution. I think he can be a more understated Mr. McMahon(a character the WWE has been desperate to find a replacement for). Jericho is just doing fantastic work..I’m sure the writers have come up to him trying to get him to do certain stuff and he has been like “Yeah, good idea guys!” and then going out and doing his own genius stuff that is getting people irritated enough to see when he actually says something. Because we all know when he does finally break his silence and calls out Punk it will epic. I figure if Punk loses the title Jericho will eliminate himself at the rumble and if Punk retians Jericho will win(depending on the order of the matches I could see Jericho costing Punk the match and then eliminating himself)I like Funkasaurus he reminds of an old school character.
Seeing Cena snap is kind cool, but it makes me wish we had someone talking for Kane instead (because Kaaaaaane taaaaalks liiiike thiiiiiiiiissssss), Because really, Cena is Superman coming apart at the seams and we need a good promo from someone pointing out that Cena has slowly been losing his shit for the last couple of years, not because of the crowd, but because everyone around him thinks he’s a fraud. They laugh at how he dress, make snide comments about how he can’t wrestle and he can’t hang with anyone. People stepping on his back to try and get to the top like he’s a cheap footstool, all while he tries to take it in stride because he’s trying to be the good guy. The WWE is Cena’s world of cardboard and whenever someone tries to step to him like they’re on his level, he fucking destroys them. And that’s why Kane is actually being more effective than anyone else outside of Punk and the Rock. It’s not about Kane v Cena, it’s about Cena against his own rage and hatred. And hell, Kane stopped him from destroying Swagger completely because Cena does not (kane)HAAAATE JAAAACKKK SWAAAAGEEERRR (/kane). He was mad and angry and venting his rage, he wasn’t being a monster of hate.
That said, if their match at RR isn’t Cena coming out to some dark reprisal of his music and destroying Kane in a minute, then at least it will be a conscious effort to tell us that they’re wasting our time waiting for Rock to come back down the mountain.
If Punk gets screwed by Ace, he only has himself to blame. You don’t berate someone for as long as Punk has and not get some kind of comeuppance. That said, I fully expect Big Johnny to swerve Punk and screw him by making him retain in a fashion that thoroughly guts his voice of the voiceless schtick. Punk has been feuding with Ace for this entire reign of his and I’d like for him to realize that he should be putting over guys who aren’t old washed up white guys who Japan inexplicably loves (unless it’s Stan Hansen, who fucking rules). Big Johnny may have been out to get Punk from the start, but at some point, shouldn’t someone look at how it’s gone and say, “Uh, yeah, he hasn’t actually done too much to him that should be getting all these over the top flip outs from Punk.” He didn’t screw him over at MitB and his “ineptness” lead directly to Punk not tapping like a bitch in Chicago. LOL, Nash texted himself, Del Rio is a fraud and a silly Mexican, Miz is too gay to be a threat and Dolph Ziggler has had too many bad gimmicks to be a main eventer, brotherjackdude. So where exactly has Ace wronged him? Punk being distracted by Ace not once but twice is on him. Ryder is Cena’s pet project and got himself entangled in the Kane mess. Constantly running around going, “EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET ME” is not a valid reason to belittle your boss because you’re an insecure dick. Ok, sure, he tried to fire Punk, but that was still in the midst of the HHH feud and Big Johnny was clearly doing it to goad Trips into abusing his power.
This Monday, they better retcon the Nash self tweet or it’s looking pretty hollow.
Good comment!
Have you read or listened to any interviews with Punk? I’ve seen him state on numerous occasions that he hates it when people try to get an autograph, or send their children to get an autograph, from him when he’s at the airport because he KNOWS they are just going to put it up on eBay. I like Punk and think he’s a smart guy who can wrestle great matches but I think he also has some weird psychological issues.
I think his WWE character is definitely similar to who he is in real life and I am unsure if he has the self awareness to know how insane it is.
Punk’s character in wrestling has always been an asshole to some degree, it’s why he did “heh heh heh, witty comments” commentary back in IWA-MS and RoH. He’s a completely smarmy dick and his heel persona boiled down to “I’m better than you” and pissing on everyone he could. I still remember the time he came to the ring and stood in front of a guy and posed as the dude flips his shit.
He’s not only being HHH, he’s also being John Cena before now. “Heh heh, you’re gay. Look, a faggot, laugh at him.” is pretty much Cena’s thing. I’m just waiting for him to try and absorb Rock’s pokemon bit. “Catchphrase! Catch-catch-catchphrase!”
In a lot of ways, my support of Punk begins and ends with him being a good wrestler with mic skills. He’s a creepy little douchebag with a complex about himself, and I don’t care why he’s that way.
If that rant back in 2003 during his RoH feud with Raven is any indication, it’s parental issues. (As an aside, Wrestlerave ’03 will always be one of those funny names because there wasn’t a Wrestlerave before it or since.)
Holy moley, that column was off the rails. I think my favorite point was one you made on the very first segment. ”
“More importantly, who gives a sh*t if Dolph Ziggler is wearing a pink shirt? Honestly. That Golden Age of WWF would’ve blown f**king donkeys if Savage had spent two years going ‘hey Hogan, your tan isn’t real and you’re bald and nobody takes you seriously and you wear yellow underpants’ instead of punching people in the face and crushing their throats with ring bells.”
I can’t empathize with this thought enough. If you allow everybody to take the shortest path to “mic time victory” why bother to let them talk at all? Saying “nice pink shirt” ignores the storytelling fact that Ziggler has pinned you semi-clean what…3 times? That it’s not all that memorable to me is a failure of all parties involved toward the goal of selling Ziggles as a credible threat.
Punk doesn’t have to be scared of Ziggler or anybody. I just wish he wasn’t taking (or being asked to take) such bald shortcuts. Chopping rising stars down like cord wood via offhand insults does nothing to build a rep as “voice of the voiceless.” It just makes Punk look insecure.
Brandon was right a few weeks ago when he said Punk was pulling a Triple H. It makes me sad to know he is right :(
Although, my favorite Punk moments were when he was destroying Jeff Hardy so I’m probably a big time hypocrite and am just sad Punk is hurting people I actually like now instead of drug addicts.
“Insecure” is a great way to put it. I think that’s a much quicker explanation of what I’ve been griping about for months.
I just realized it’s too bad they went with Black Shirt Cena, because I was thinking they could do angry murder machine Cena show up in all black with angry music playing in the background ala Dark BxB Hulk (back when he was a face anyways).
That said, it’s been Cena’s time for the last six years, get new music holy goddamn fuckballs.
Anyone else notice is was My Chemical Romance sitting beside Belding?
Jericho and Funkasaurus are making me wish I had cable. I could watch them all day. RAPTOR DANCE FOREVER.
Between Cody Rhodes and Brodus Clay I think we actually have one whole raptor.
*alomst spits drink @ Stinger’s comments*
1-900-909-9900! And here I thought I was the only one who remembered this number. lol
Oh man, you have no idea how many times I had to Get My Parents’ Permission.
Just watched the ’92 Rumble highlights – even if it weren’t worth it to see Flair in a context that doesn’t make me sad, totally worth it for the brief glimpse of “El Matador” Tito Santana.
…what the hell did Tito do to Vince to deserve that?
Aww, Big Show just wanted to pet the rabbits.
The only thing better than watching a good Raw, is catching the B&W after a good Raw!
I think Ziggler checks the ‘tubes. He makes all these under-the-breath comments that sound like stuff that would come from a message board (such as this). When Miz was involved with his angle a while back, he threw out a great “Oh, wait, I’ll go make a mean face!” that got rolled over, but was awesome. (Miz, where are you, man?!)
At this point, I want a Punk/Ziggler/Bryan series for a unified title, if only to get all three men amping up each other’s games. Ziggler and Bryan are doing great, and maybe that would inspire FacePunk to not be HHHPunk to be less lame.
Swagger should be be playing up his fear of Cena; have him, and other midcarders be worried about getting obliterated by Cena. Have Wade Barrett mention, casually, that Cena’s a madman that will try and hurt you, and that he wants nothing to do with him.
I mean, he even almost Hall of Pain’d Swagger, so, why not take it that much further. Have him murder heels for a while, and then have him murder Kane; even have him tussle with HHH or Taker for a bit, and then have him be a Monster when the Rock shows up. Have him bulldoze the guy leading up to the match.
Great column!
Thanks, friend. I appreciate it, if I don’t say that enough.
Is Brodus Clay black? Or half-black? Half-black half-Samoan? Weird-looking white guy? I honestly can’t tell.
He is clearly Rodney Mack’s long lost brother.
Also, there is nothing a girl wants to hear more when she tells you she loves you than “I appreciate that.” DASS MAH BOY D-BRYAN!!!
Hey, Brandon, can I ask what your beef is with Foley’s short run as Smackdown color guy? He wasn’t the greatest but he seemed to have an ability to put the guys and the stories over while maintaining some level of enthusiasm. I’d certainly take a team of Booker and Foley over Lawler and Cole but I guess that goes without saying.
It was just really phony. He seemed like he was pretending to call matches instead of calling them. I didn’t hate it, I just didn’t like it at all.
Wasn’t Cena’s OVW gimmick that of a robotic killing machine called The Prototype?
By the way, just wanna say I’m a long time reader, first time pommenter, and I really enjoy these posts.
I also wanna say how sad it was that Paris Hilton made it onto Raw before you did. I feel like I should apologize to you for this, and I have nothing to do with it.
Kind of – the “Prototype” character actually developed in UPW, where Cena got his start, but by the time he got to OVW it was mostly just a nickname, like “The Masterpiece”. He dropped that and became “Mr. P” shortly thereafter.
/geek’d
Brandon, where did you grow up?! I’m from Portsmouth, and I totally agree about not having enough. We got RAW here twice in a year’s span, but that’s been it for a couple of years.
I was born in Danville, went to high school in Lynchburg. Thankfully my parents were wrestling fans and drove to Greensboro all the time to see the NWA. I saw one WWF house show (that was terrible) between my birth and like 1995.
“I swear to God if Triple H returns at the Rumble to keep Laurinaitis from screwing Punk and shows back up on Raw to ruin it and pedigrees the Funkasaurus onto a pile of Dolphs Ziggler or whatever I am never forgiving you.”
I loved that final statement, LOL!
*points up at wrestlemania sign*
If I were a betting man . . . here’s my prediction for the Royal Rumble:
Cena will beat Kane, but won’t follow through on the “kill shot” like he did with Swagger, thus cementing himself as a face forever.
Punk will win against Ziggler because Triple H will somehow or another make sure he’s involved.
The final three in the Royal Rumble will be Barrett, Ryder and Truth and Ryder will win that to attempt to get the US Championship back.
Finally, AJ will come out to distract Daniel Bryan and he’ll lose his championship.
At least that’s my take thus far.