As I mentioned earlier in my Peabody Award nominee post about Princess the Prognostic Camel, I’m not much of a gambler. That doesn’t stop people from asking me for advice, though, because when you tell people that you’re a sports blogger, you should probably include that you’re a dick joke maker and not an expert, otherwise people will assume you know things.
But aside from bar squares and fantasy football, there is one specific type of gambling that I’m a sucker for – Super Bowl prop bets. And this year there are some awesomely stupid bets to be made, from Kelly Clarkson’s National Anthem prowess to Madonna’s Skeletor arms. Side note: Madonna, LMFAO and Cee Lo are set to perform updated variations of Madonna’s old hits. She’s like the George Lucas of music. Madonna might as well make Cee Lo dress like Jar Jar Binks.
Where was I? Yes, prop bets. They’re typically for the most degenerate gamblers, as people who feel the need to bet on every little thing - including the coin flip, the color of Gatorade dumped on the winning coach and how many yards Hakeem Nicks’ first catch will be - for the sake of getting their rush and/or making up for all the money they lost during the regular season. Today, though, I’m making prop bets into something for the average person.
Disclaimer: With Leather does not, I repeat, DOES NOT condone illegal gambling. This post is intended for people who gamble legally, like in Las Vegas and stuff, and for entertainment purposes only. I cannot be held responsible for any money lost if my advice is taken into consideration for Super Bowl XLVI prop bets. I also do not ask for any compensation, other than liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter and for people to stop telling my mom in supermarkets that Ufford is better.
(All prop bet odds and whatnot courtesy of Bovada, which is not, as I initially thought, a knockoff watch brand. Check there for lines and numbers if you're into updates and stuff. Images via Zimbio.)
How long will it take Kelly Clarkson to sing the National Anthem? Over/under 1:34
Burnsy's Bet: The above video is Clarkson singing the National Anthem before a Dallas Cowboys game on Thanksgiving. Without the video's intro, her rendition runs about 1:31. This is a very tough bet, but if I'm putting money on it, I'm taking the under. She's not Christina Aguilera and she typically doesn't hang on her notes like she's having a stroke.
What will Kelly Clarkson wear to sing the National Anthem?
Super Bowl XLVI or official NFL shirt +200
Colts Jersey or shirt +1200
Patriots Jersey or shirt +1200
Giants Jersey or shirt +1500
Anything else -300
Burnsy’s Bet: Clarkson is a team spirit kind of girl for the sake of a home crowd, but there’s not really a home crowd at a Super Bowl game. Forget a Colts jersey, as there’s an understated stupidity of wearing the league’s worst team at the Super Bowl, even if the game is in their stadium. I don't think she'll go with a Pats or Giants jersey because she's not a fan of either team and wearing one or the other would be alienating. I think the safe bet is the Super Bowl shirt, but I'm predicting she wears something plain like a black dress.
Will Kelly Clarkson's bare belly be showing when she sings the National Anthem? Yes +300
Burnsy's Bet: Hell no. I had to go back to 2005 to find a picture of Clarkson showing her stomach. She may be husky, but she's smart.
Will Kelly Clarkson forget or omit at least 1 word of the official US National Anthem? Yes +250
Burnsy's Bet: Again, HELL to the NO. Clarkson is like the David Akers of National Anthems. In case you don't know what that means, Akers is my pick for NFL this season, which is why I don't cover the NFL professionally.
What color will Madonna's hair be when she begins the Super Bowl Halftime show?
Any other color +250
Burnsy’s Bet: She’s like 70 years old, so of course it will be blonde like it always is. The only way it could be different is if she completely shaves her head to look like Cee Lo, or thinks those guys from LMFAO, who can’t rap, sing or dance, look so cool and unique with their afros. But if you actually watch the halftime show to see her hair color, I have no sympathy for you.
Will Madonna be wearing fishnet stockings at any point during the Super Bowl Halftime show?
Burnsy’s Bet: This is the biggest coin flip of them all. I say yes, because she’s impossibly grotesque, but still thinks she’s relevant and sexy. It makes sense that she would, but I worry that she’ll wear some sort of variation like her lacy arm sheaths above, and it won’t count. Tread carefully on this one.
Will Madonna wear an NFL Jersey or shirt at any point during the Super Bowl Halftime show?
Burnsy's Bet: No. That's not her style. Maybe when the NFL moves a team to London full time, so she can continue trying to fool the world into believing she's British, but until then she'll stick with something like a slutty tux top with a kilt made from Saran Wrap.
Will Madonna wear a hat at any point during the Super Bowl Halftime show? Any type of head covering counts towards wager.
Burnsy’s Bet: I’m leaning toward yes on this one, because I keep picturing her in that stupid top hat she wore that one time at the MTV whatever awards. Wait, does her wig count? This one is a trick question.
What will Madonna be using to start the Super Bowl Halftime show?
Handheld Microphone +150
Burnsy’s Bet: Headset. Always gonna be a headset with her, because she always lip syncs and she needs her hands free to pretend like she can still dance. How is she going to Vogue with a microphone?
How many times will Peyton Manning be shown on TV during the game? From kickoff until final whistle. Live pictures only, any taped pictures or past video does not count towards wager. Halftime does not count towards wager.
Over/Under - 3½
Burnsy’s Bet: I’m taking the over on this. He’ll be in the box with his dad, so this could probably be overwhelming. I’m predicting they’ll show the Mannings at least once per Giants possession. Unless the older Manning brother no-shows, but I don’t think there’s any way that he’d skip his little bro playing in his house.
How many times will Giselle Bundchen be shown on TV during the game? From kickoff until final whistle. Live pictures only, any taped pictures or past video does not count towards wager. Halftime does not count towards wager.
Over/Under - ½
Burnsy’s Bet: I’ll take the over. They’ll show her at least once, as I assume she’ll be sitting near Robert Kraft. God, I hope they show her more than Peyton Manning. Hell, give me a channel that just has a camera on her while the announcers babble on endlessly.
How many times will Jim Irsay be mentioned on TV during the game? From kickoff until final whistle. Live pictures only, any taped pictures or past video does not count towards wager. Halftime does not count towards wager. Must say full name.
Over/Under – 1
Burnsy’s Bet: Seeing as I expect Peyton Manning to be shown at least 5 times, I’d say Irsay gets brought up at least 3 times. This is a huge story, they’ll be talking about it plenty. The only catch is if the refer to him as Jim or Irsay. But I still think they’ll say his full name twice.
How many times will David Tyree's 2008 Super Bowl catch be shown on TV during the game? From kickoff until final whistle. Halftime does not count towards wager.
Over/Under – 1
Burnsy’s Bet: This one has a huge catch to it – the highlight has to be shown during the game, and not during the pregame show or halftime. I’m still betting the over on this, because they’ll need timeout filler, and if it’s a close game, we will not hear the end of Tyree’s name.
How many times will Andrew Luck be mentioned on TV during the game? From kickoff until final whistle. Live pictures only, any taped pictures or past video does not count towards wager. Halftime does not count towards wager. Must say full name.
Over/Under – 1
Burnsy’s Bet: I’m obligated to take the over here, because he should be mentioned each time Irsay is mentioned. But I’m going to say this one is a push, because he’s more likely to just be called Luck if and when they talk about him. Hopefully they ask Archie Manning about him and he just refers to him as, “Oh that dipsh*t?”
How many times will Robert Kraft be shown on TV during the game? From kickoff until final whistle. Live pictures only, any taped pictures or past video does not count towards wager. Halftime does not count towards wager.
Over/Under - 3½
Burnsy’s Bet: Over. Way over. Like 10 times over in the first quarter alone. Kraft is the main plotline for the Patriots, as they’re inspired to win for his late wife, Myra. Bet everything you have on the over – your house, 401K, IRA, kidneys, gold fillings, first born daughter – EVERYTHING!
If Tom Brady's son is shown on TV during the game will he be wearing a Tom Brady Jersey? From kickoff until final whistle. Live pictures only, any taped pictures or past video does not count towards wager. Halftime does not count towards wager.
Burnsy’s Bet: No. I assume Gisele is dressing him so he’ll be wearing like a little suit with a fancy bowtie. Probably Burberry or something obnoxious like that.
Who will Barack Obama pick to win the game? Must publicly announce pick before kickoff. Any wager placed after this becomes public knowledge will be regarded as No Action.
New England Patriots
New York Giants
Burnsy’s Bet: Normally, I would predict that Obama would choose the New England Patriots. He’d probably gush about Brady as a legend and Kraft as a great businessman. But I think he’ll choose the New York Giants because Tim Thomas of the Boston Bruins showed him up by not attending the ceremony to celebrate the Stanley Cup champions at the White House. Hell hath no fury like a PUSA scorned.