Worst, But With A Slight Best: Teddy Long Is The Worst Boss
This is mostly a worst, because Teddy Long has moved from workplace racism to the more standard workplace sexual harassment, as he sits the Bella Twins on his lap and makes them argue over who has been nicer before suggesting they should come up and see him sometime. Teddy Long is awful, basically. The reason I’m giving this a slight best is because of the ad-libbing by the Bellas, who were merely told to argue over one another until Teddy interrupted them. This led to one of my favorite wrestling lines of the year, as the twin on your right busted out a spectacular bon mot saying, and I quote: “I’m the better half. I’m more athletic…” and then trailing off while the other twin tried to think of something. She’s more athletic, everyone. Case closed.
Best: Jack Swagger Doesn’t Know What To Do With His Hands When He Talks
The Bellas departed and left us with a segment to set up the impromptu match later in the evening between Jack Swagger and Sheamus. Swagger clearly, CLEARLY had just been given his script moments before they went live, and we were treated to Jack Swagger furtively trying to remember and comprehend the words that were coming out of his own mouth. He gesticulated wildly with his hands apropos of nothing, made even the most common verbs and articles sound exotic and rare, and generally looked like he wanted to jump out of his own skin. It was awesome.
Best: Kelly Kelly Is Speedball
Kelly Kelly showed up for her match with Beth Phoenix is a bright orange marbled outfit, and proceeded to scream as loud as she could whenever anything happened in the match. Slamming Beth’s head into the ring apron: “RAAAAHHHH.” Performing a bulldog: “AAARRRGGGHHH.” Getting her hair pulled: “NRAAARRRHHHH.” It was strangely awesome.
But beyond that, I realized that Kelly Kelly is the wrestling universe’s equivalent of the comic book character Speedball. She was pretty much a joke when she showed up, and her gimmick didn’t make a lot of practical sense (“I’m an exhibitionist” vs. “I have the power of bouncing”). She slowly got better at what she did and now is fairly respectable and serves a specific and definite purpose within her division (akin to Speedball joining the New Warriors). Her incessant screaming during last night’s match further hammered this comparison home as it hinted at some pent-up rage or a potential dark side. I can only assume that she’ll soon accidentally be responsible for a dressing-room explosion that will decimate the Divas division, and take to secret cutting and wearing bondage gear in order to harness her true potential.
As an aside, her screaming as a surrogate for “I HAVE BEEN PUSHED TOO DANG FAR BY YOU, MISSY” reminded me of when Colt Cabana was put into an uber-serious program against Homicide in ROH and his means of getting into “I AM SERIOUS NOW, PAL” mode was just to yell “HOMICIIIIIDE” over and over again. The moral of the story is stick to what you like doing, kids.
Worst: Alberto Del Rio Is Bad At Counting
Alberto Del Rio is shown in the backstage area, berating his valet, Ricardo. “You have one job, and one job only,” says Del Rio. “And that is to have my food. Have my car ready.” You’re already up to two, Al. He gripes at Ricardo for not having a car for his entrance tonight, and then sends him away for some food. That’s two jobs, and that isn’t even taking into account that Ricardo is his personal ring announcer. So I count a minimum of three jobs.
Best: The Miz Killed Alistair Cookie
The Miz shows up to try to out-brag Del Rio or whatever, but I was too transfixed by his immaculate coat to pay much attention to what was being said. I was trying to come up with the words to describe it, but my esteemed colleague Peter Holby (ALSO of Progressive Boink and more recently, of the Internet’s premiere sandwich review blog, On Sandwiches) hit the nail on the head when he said, “It looks like Miz is wearing the chair from Monsterpiece Theater.” Yes, that is exactly what it looks like. The Miz has laid waste to Alistair Cookie and has skinned the easy chair to wear as a trophy. The Miz is a monster.
Best: Here Is That Meal You Ordered
Ricardo finally comes back with the food, which is inexplicably some orange mush and some leaves of lettuce. Alberto Del Rio is apparently on a baby-food-and-raw-spinach diet, which helps keep him lean. Of course the food winds up in Ricardo’s face, because this is wrestling. Bonus best: when I was double-checking that his name is “Ricardo” I learned that he’s the wrestler formerly known as Chimaera! WHHHHHAAAATTTTTT