Best: Michael Cole, Forlorn and Speechless
It’s good that the end result of Michael Cole’s two years of yelling at people the internet likes is to be sad and quiet for two minutes. It’s not enough to justify all the yelling in lieu of just being an effective heel, but I enjoyed sad ol’ Michael Cole, unable to handle another man’s happiness.
Worst: It Is Not Actually A Very Big Deal At All, You Guys
Hey, have you heard about Twitter? WWE has! They want you to use it all the dang time! Go crazy, folks! They wouldn’t shut up about what was trending all night, but it’s funny they never mentioned once that Kim Jong-il had been “compromised to a permanent end” (by U.S. troops hidden sneakily inside his frail old heart I guess). During the Ryder/Ziggler match, Cole and Lawler mentioned that #WWETLC was the number one trending topic in the world. Lawler dropped a “Do you know how big of a deal it is to be trending worldwide?” Oh yeah, you’re totally in lofty company there, dudes. You’re up there with important world events like #womenbeshoppin and #uevernoticehow and #PrayForSelena.
Best: “JAILBOY!”
Booker T is sort of known for yelling inexplicable or inappropriate things at random times. So of course when he was beat down backstage by Cody Rhodes and straddled by Bill DeMott as a means of strange rescue, he would bug out his eyes and scream what sounded like “JAILBOY!” right before the camera faded to black and cut to the weirdest Slim Jims commercial ever.
Worst: Slim Jim Is Scamming Us All
According to Rey Mysterio, Big Show, and…oooohhhhh. Hm. Let’s say…Eve? Probably Eve. Possibly New DCU Wonder Woman; I can’t keep up. Anyway, apparently Slim Jims are one of the most requested snacks by U.S. troops serving abroad. I guess they’re experiencing severe sodium shortages in EVERY OTHER COUNTRY. Anyway, apparently for every two beef-flavored salt sticks you purchase, a free Slim Jim would be donated to the troops.
That’s all well and good, I guess but how much does a Slim Jim cost to produce? Like five cents per 10,000 or something, right? Just ship over some Jims, dickwads. You can probably send like forty crates to each platoon and you won’t notice they’re gone. Also, am I really supposed to believe that Slim Jim is accurately tracking these sales? Slim Jims are sold out of a raggedy box on the counter of a 7-11. It’s not like they’re even part of a given store’s inventory. That “Take a Penny, Leave a Penny” tray may as well be labeled “While you’re leaving a penny, cram a ton of Slim Jims into your backpack because no one will notice or care.”
Neither Best, Nor Worst: Primo And Epico?
Since we’re all old friends by page three, I figured it’s time to level with you guys: I haven’t followed WWE — especially, ESPECIALLY SmackDown! — super closely since moving to LA a couple of years ago. I read Brandon’s column, obviously, but even that doesn’t cover everything that happens on television. So when Primo and Epico were announced, I literally had not a single idea that this was a tag team that existed. I know who Primo is, but I don’t know Epico from Adamo and I don’t know who their Shelley Martinez v2.0 valet is. I know who Hunico is, but not Epico. Can’t tell an -ico without your program, I guess. They were responsible for two bests, though:
Best: Primo and Epico’s Galavision-Style Theme Song
Man alive, does their theme song rule. It almost sounds like it could be the theme song for a spectacular telenovela in the vein of “Los Heroes Del Norte” or something similar. On a related note, “Los Heroes Del Norte” is amazing and you should watch it, even if (ESPECIALLY if) you don’t speak Spanish.
Best: Actual Tag Teams, Like With Matching Tights And Everything
Tag team wrestling is good, and it’s fun, and it’s nice that WWE has at least two tag teams now that are enough of a regular thing that they have matching (or at least similar) tights. The tag team title match between “Air Boom” and “Primepico” was solid, harmless fun. They even did solid, harmless high-flying moves. Whenever I see Evan and Kofi in small doses like this, I’m reminded that they’re both impressive as heck at what they do, and perhaps they’re currently in the perfect role. Good for them. If being the WWE’s personal penny loafers is what gets you a paycheck, it beats working for a living.
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Thanks, Bill, great job with the column. It figures that I’d skip the first PPV worth writing about in six months.
FINALLY someone of higher consequence than I laments the loss of “I AM PERFECTION.” Luckily I’ll always have my ringtone, but still, that entrance always made me smile.
Oh by the way, I am commenting. This is a comment.
I am commenting!
This PPV was kind of a harsh mistress. I liked a lot of it, and I’m certainly satisfied with certain results (DRAGONNNN), but there’s a couple of bah and humbug moments in there. In any case, our current world champions are CM Punk and the American dad gum Dragon.
I liked how this had a different flow than Brandon’s stuff, but was still funny. I like funny things.
Great job. Of course, I missed this show to spend time with my fiancee. Was very surprised at the generally positive reaction online after the show.
Also, money.
Nice job. But is the C.M. in CM Punk really “Chick Magnet”? I don’t know how I feel about that.
That Pedigree gif on Loop is the best Best What Ever Bested. (c) Brandon by way of JI
JIM THOME.
Bring back Matt, wait wrong site.
Anyway it was a real fun PPV, a great end to an interesting year in wrestling. Also Kelly’s ring gear even matches Speedballs costume, here’s hoping to goth Kelly in 2012!
HOLE ON A MINNUHPLAYA. WHICH ONE OF YOU BITCHED WANNA SNAP INTO SANTA’S SLIM JIM.
I gotta admit: the racism has become so predictable, it’s accepted. It’s almost like shaking your head thinking ‘ Here comes a white person joke that’s not funny”, then Carlos Mencia pops out of an ambulance. Gah.
Thanks for filling in, this was good.
Great job, Daniel and the TLC made up for that horrific HHH vs Nash match that almost killed the ppv for me.
and thank fucking god Kelly didn’t win when she went for that roll up. I’d have fire bombed WWE HQ.
Commenting woo.
Great PPV. I doubt it’s gonna happen but I really hope Bryan will keep the title until Wrestlemania.
I was kinda hoping to see that Daniel Bryan win at Wrestlemania, but oh well.
I thought this PPV was really good, made even better by the blatant RAYCESS Swoggle and Peanuthead. Then BOOM! Danielson wins! Good times, good times…
sweet B/W!!
Good work on this Best/Worst. I didn’t get this PPV in an effort to have food for Christmas instead, but after reading your piece, I feel like I got all the best parts of it anyways.
Who won the over/under on number of shattered knees last night?
Hey, Bill, I was at Bryan Danielson’s farewell PWG match in Reseda too. Best part of that show (besides Danielson’s match) was Machine Gun Anderson and his opponent playing hot potato with Anderson’s imaginary machine gun.
I only caught about 2/3 of the PPV, and it was alright. Didn’t like the end to the Sheamus / Swagger match, since Sheamus delivered the Brogue Kick to win, while he was planted on the ankle I believe Swagger had just been working over. LITTLE THINGS.
that rosetta stone ebonics is real……… they have version 3 with 50 cent on the cover
A few quick thoughts after watching the payperview.
1. I just want to see a perpetual loop of Ziggler selling finishers. Dude deserves to holed a title.
2. If you had told me that 2011 would end with the four singles titles being held by Ryder, Punk, Bryan and Rhodes, I would have thought I was playing universe mode on WWE 12
3. Nash and Triple H was disappointingly good. Where are my POOPIES and blown knees?
*hold
Also, great job Bill. Really funny write-up and the whole style of it felt familiar but with a different spin. Great work
Love the post, but NOTHING is worse than the pronunciation of John as JYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRN
“The whole match was like watching Glenn Danzig fight Kenny Rogers, and it was absolutely amazing.”
I cannot BELIEVE how much this made me laugh. And the gif of the blown Pedigree is amazing. Poor guy just keeps messing up.
I liked this show quite a bit. Even the grandpa streetfight was enjoyable in a way. No Cena, which turned out to be fine. And they didn’t go out of their way to make anybody look like a loser turd, which is progress.
Great write up too. You get my substitute B seal of approval. Now can I have fifty bucks?
I watched the PPV, but was also playing Gears of War 3, especially during the Nash/HHH match, so I missed that blown Pedigree. Thank you for that. It somehow made this wicked headcold feel better today. Seemed like a solid PPV all around, and I remember looking at my girlfriend during the end of the Show/Henry fight and saying the only way this could be any good is if Danielson comes out and cashes in. Then he did. And I marked the fuck out like an 8 year old. Let’s just hope they don’t completely screw the pooch with him now.
preemptively posting right now before I read the post so I don’t forget. I didn’t care for how the Daniel Bryan thing worked out. somehow him celebrating (“after 12 years”!) after coming out and pinning a downed Big Show seemed odd to me. That’s like celebrating that you got a great breakfast.
THESTINGER always cringes at gimmick matches or gimmick PPVs but the two best PPVs this year (MitB and TLC) were both gimmick PPVs. THESTINGER must reevaluate things.
Great write up, too!
Is THESTINGER alone in thinking that Cody Rhodes was going to wreck Booker T and that Booker T would not be able to compete but would instead ask his Fave Five D-Bry to step in?
THESTINGER loves D-Bry. D-Bry can convey more emotion by wrestling than everyone else can by talking. THESTINGER is terrified of D-BRY becoming another cowardly heel. For now, THESTINGER will just enjoy him and Punk having championship titles.
THESTINGER thinks the main event was ridiculously good. THESTINGER was starting to forget why THESTINGER was such a mark for ADR but last night was a good reminder. There were lots of excellent spots and it told a great story. Everyone got to show a lot of personality in the match.
THESTINGER’s favorite bit is the dichotomy between Cena and Punk. Cena gets locked out of a steel cage and loses because of it. Punk gets handcuffed twice and just busts through and wins despite it. THESTINGER was getting afraid that Punk was becoming HHH but then Punk puts on an amazing match and it becomes easy to forgive Punk all his sins. Hell, even Punk’s match with the boring HHH a few months back had some awesome spots and was better than it had any right to be.
Best Worst: The chat room of the live stream i was on. Seriously, after EVERYTHING, those people were just typeyelling “KANEEEEEEE”. Big Show won? “KANE!” TLC Match? “KANE!” … Clearly they weren’t seeing the obvious non-rigged turnbuckles. He wasn’t gonna show up, and why do we care that he’d be showing up again? OH RIGHT MASK.
Destiny might’ve liked that chatroom, in retrospect.
Isn’t it a little too late to pray for Selena? :(
Rogers v. Danzig
Just send them Slim Jims
NecroButcher v. Eye Exam
Absolute gold!
If Brandon is the Rachel Maddow/MSNBC of legit wrestling bloggers worth reading, you are the Anderson Cooper/CNN of fill in writers!
Needs moar AJ, but aside from that, great stuff. Columns like this make it fun to like rasslin’.
Nice review Bill. I really enjoyed it. Especially your ‘Best’ for Ryder’s Weird Body. At times he looks so awkward and uncoordinated in the ring, especially in comparison to someone like Ziggler. Make no mistake though, I was delighted for him when he won.
Overall, I liked the PPV more than I thought I would, mainly due to the Ziggler / Ryder and Punk / Miz / Del Rio matches. Even the HHH / Nash match didn’t offend me as much as I thought it would. I can’t say the same for the Phoenix / Kelly Kelly match, which gave us all of Kelly’s principal offence and defence: screaming.I wonder if she screams and sells like that in bed?
My highlight was Bryan cashing in his Money in the Bank briefcase. For me, it would have had much more impact if he had had cashed in on Henry but if Henry is injured, it does make sense to give Bryan a program with Henry going forward and maybe a heel turn, which would be immense. As the Royal Rumble is over a month away, i’m hopeful *fingers crossed* that they’ll build Bryan up in the interim.
And finally, for the love of God, please make Hornswoggle disappear. Somebody? Anybody?
That should have read “a program with Big Show” going forward. . .” All this talk of winning $50 has get me a little too excited!
Absolutely fantastic job. Too many qoutes to repost. On par with B’s hilarity. Thanks for filling in.
Fantastic job, Bill Hanstock. I especially like the Slim Jim bit and the ITS GOTTA BE KANE reference.
Brandon, pick me! We can split the money.
I want Punk to appear on Raw tonight with the handcuffs still on and just deadpan “We can’t find the key.”
Thanks for filling in, Bill. Good job. The Monsterpiece Theater thing was amazing.
COLLUSION!
HA.
I love this review.
Even the not great matches weren’t bad.
We’ll in the case of Nash/HHH it was fun to see how bad it would be and hey. We got Nash through a table. I also like him throwing up the Kliq/TooSweet to get rejected. Also, who is Danzig and who is Kenny Rogers in the comparison? Nash wore a Misfits shirt a few episodes back but, then he has that horrible beard thing like Rogers. Thinking too deeply about it is probably not a good idea.
I was very happy for Ryder and DBry. This is why we still watch because wrestling can still give us THAT FEELING when done right.
I wish the Cody/Booker match had been a little longer. Did anyone else notice or is it my imagination that Booker T kept getting hit in the head and making googly eyes like he was crazy/out of it. I REALLY HOPE this is not the case and they don’t make that into “a thing”.
Main event was spectacular and I loved every bit of it.
Side note question: Did Virgil take the kind of verbal and physical abuse that Ricardo Rodriguez gets? RR needs to cut the sleeves of his jacket and grow a pair.
Good write up, Bill.
@M4G3RK
I coulda really used some AJ. I really like AJ. I hope Punk/Daniels are our World Champs until Wrestlemania.
Wow. I have been fairly lukewarm on Ziggler for a ling time now, aside from how well he takes moves. But i think him taking Ryder’s finisher like he got hit in the mouf with a baseball bat has brought me over to his side. Now just, for the love of Robocop, get a better wrestling name.
The whole womens’ division flummoxes me. In my head, it all makes perfect sense: Natalya and Beth go kicking sand in the face of every other Diva, and if anyone steps up to be a hero, they get Glam Slammed into a Sharpshooter. Kelly Kelly starts showing signs of life, beating down Alicia Fox with authority and maybe even kicking Tamina into the future. Eventually Kelly Kelly gets fed up and goes full Ralphie, just hulking out and beating the shit out of Pinup Strong, hopefully learning a thing or two about how wrestling works. Then she can go on to have some of those decent matches a la Trish and Lita when they looked like they didn’t care for each other’s well-being.
Instead, i get halfassed stinkfaces and bullies who back down over nothing, despite looking like they should peel kelly kelly like a banana and make eve take pratfalls. Also oh god did i just fantasy book the Divas? It’s time for me to shuffle off this mortal coil.
Good writeup, man.
Good read after a good PPV(stream)
Let’s all enjoy this now before we’re all really, really pissed really, really soon about how poorly the WWE handles Bryan’s title run. Hope I’m wrong.
Does Big Show have to wait a few more year before finally getting used properly, like Mark Henry?
Otherwise, splendid report and use of gifs. Some AJ would have been nice for us, though, man. Even Rockabilly Lita would have sufficed.
Bill, fantastic job and I hope we get to hear from you again in the future! Maybe even Guest Host with Brandon/Destiny on a Smackdown! Live Blog. Now let’s hope the amazing momentum of TLC carries over into RAW tonight.
I really enjoyed the PPV. Probably the best one since Summer Slam and that’s not really saying a lot. I enjoy reading you articles better. Keep it up. @aaronkarns
Great job Bill, had me giggling with Del Rio’s counting abilities. Stupid Mexicans don’t know how to count in English.
The main event was really really good, I was very entertained by it. And sadly neither HHH or Nash popped a quadricep climbing a ladder.
I’ve seem some people (on sites less classy than With Leather) calling the ladder handcuff a botch. That was shortsighted thinking while it was happening, but I’ve even come across people saying it today. I, for one, thought the whole thing was brilliant.
Who would have thought Daniel Bryan AND CM Punk would be champions at the same time!? Thank you ECW and NXT! Tuesday night WWE B-show crew forever!
So, CM Punk gets handcuffed to the bottom of a ladder, and has to break the ladder to free himself; later in the match, Miz uses the same handcuff to lock Punk to the turnbuckle. HOW DID THE HANDCUFF BECOME UNLOCKED SO IT COULD BE USED TWICE? Even at the end of the match, Punk is holding up the title, with the “empty” handcuff unlocked once again.
Bad enough Ricardo forgot to bring del Rio’s car; he also didn’t make sure that the handcuffs actually work. Tsk, tsk.
Thanks for filling in and doing a bang up job, Bill. I too, lament the loss of “I AM PERFECTION” in Dolph’s entrance. The guy is by far, one of the best in the WWE at the moment and the way he can put over his opponent and still look good doing it speaks volumes. Overall, I really liked this PPV and even with its low-lights (because, let’s face it Nash/HHH wasn’t that great of an actual match but it was a nice in-ring send off) it was scores better than Vengeance. D-Bry winning made me mark out so badly; I was so happy to see him finally get that title.
@wailer, yes, the CM originally stood for Chick Magnet. Punk was part of a tag team called the Chick Magnets (with CM Venom) out here in the south suburbs of Chicago in an organization known as Lunatic Wrestling Federation that first operated out of a tiny warehouse spot. I think about that little hole & it makes me 20 times happier that the hard work paid off.
As much as I hate Daniel Bryan and the IWC smarks who refer to him as Bryan Danielson, this sounded like an awesome PPV and I can’t believe I missed it…
That said, why why WHY do the stupid, cash it in technique that every MITB winner has used? And on a PPV that no one saw? Come on, Vince…you’re supposed to rope people in with announced surprises on these. It Begins is given away for free on RAW but no one knew about this title change?
The Bryan at Mania angle was picking up steam, too, so this just felt cheap. All you indy people, enjoy the moment, I guess. You’re the same people that have been saying the titles in wrestling haven’t meant anything in years.
“I can only assume that she’ll soon accidentally be responsible for a dressing-room explosion that will decimate the Divas division, and take to secret cutting and wearing bondage gear in order to harness her true potential.”
That would be amazing.
Also, I’m glad to see more people liking the Bella twins and their awesome personality when given time to speak.
A big show title run of 5 minutes is about as long as a title run I want from the Big Show.
Good job of doing the best and worst, person not named Brandon
I’m surprised to see so many very positive reactions. I was incredibly underwhelmed. The Bryan win was sweet, but there had been two vastly superior Show/Henry matches before it. We were treated to several matches I have already seen on Smackdown or Superstars. And I was pretty underwhelmed by the main event. To each their own, I guess. I hope they do Bryan justice.
Kudos for the strong pinch-hit job, Bill. I was also pleasantly surprised by the show, and I’m glad to know that I wasn’t just swept up in the excitement of being there.
I’ll try to keep my OMG U GUYZ I WUZ THERE comments to a minimum. I hope the “Daniel Bryan” chants during and after his title win were audible on PPV. The roof came off the arena…but not literally, of course. Similarly, poor Ricardo got a well-deserved “holy shit” chant for his huge fall off the ladder.
As far as Booker, it looked like he was legit shook up, at least from the Spinaroonie forward. He caught Cody with a bit of his boot on the axe kick that Cody was supposed to duck, and then kicked out of Cody’s pin at 2, only for them to repeat the move for the 3 count. After they cut to the next vignette, Booker had to be helped out of the ring.
Bonus “Best” to the little kids behind me who kept earnestly insulting the heels: “Hey, Wade Barrett! Tell your friends…that they all suck!” “Hey, Kevin Nash! Your face is ugly!” They made strong arguments.
Thanks for all the kind words, guys! I loved doing this!
follow me on twitter you jerks
@Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo: the way that handcuffs work is that they close tighter and tighter on whatever is in the middle of them (wrist, pole, turnbuckle) until they can’t close any more. If there is nothing in the middle of them, however, the closing half will come right out of the back of the locking half. This is how police can “slap” handcuffs on anyone at any time. This is also why police don’t need a key to unlock their handcuffs before they put them on someone. They are a fairly brilliant design of a thing, which is why they have been around and in use for like a hundred years.
Bill, you’re making me very upset I didn’t get to see this PPV. Great write-up!
Great review. I’m actually looking at it a little more positively after reading. I definitely missed a couple of those “little things” you talked about.
well, now I’ll never be able to look at Ryder again without seeing some kind of sausage Voltron.
This is the winning comment.
This was ALMOST better than Brandon. ALMOST.
It continues to amaze how Ziggler manages to make every move look devastating. I hadn’t even noticed how he’d turned himself inside-out from the Ruff Ryder under I saw the .gif
Nominee for new “MAEK TEH POOPIES” face – Cody after the last near-fall. It would make a lovely extended .gif (anyone)
I think we’re pretty much assured that Hornswoggle makes 2012′s “future endeavors” list right around Wrestlemania.
Bill, Thanks for the B/W of the PPV. It was a great job. You could tell it wasn’t Brandon because I understood most of the references. But it was still very funny.
I’m glad most people were happy with the PPV. The Raw that followed was also very good. Looking forward to that substitute B/W today.
Brandon, you gotta be careful getting these talented replacements. Next time have someone horrible, like me, do it, so people will beg for your return.
Hi. Merry Christmas everyone!
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++++++Life is short. Enjoy yourself.
I know HHH is the Cerebral Assassin, but when was he ever as smart in a match as Punk was tonight?
This–> RT uconngary7: “Bill, Thanks for the B/W of the PPV. It was a great job. You could tell it wasn’t Brandon because I understood most of the references. But it was still very funny.”
You almost seem like us. *avatar face*
Great job filling in!
Hilarious references to Speedball and the whole Civil War Stamford incident from the comic books. Seriously, though, Layla needs to come back and be a face so we don’t keep seeing Beth v. Eve or K2. It’s so boring. I feel bad for beth.
If I can take anything from this, it’s that a PPV can be great without BRAAAPADOOOH!
Great recap, but I gotta say that I had been thinking that Zack Ryder looked kinda weird. But it kinda goes along with the whole “He looks like a created wrestler” theme.
Great recap, cheers!
“Not that Edge’s body was particularly weird or anything, but Edge at least looks like an actual person you might see, rather than a man made out of different types of sausages.”
There’s something unexplainable that amuses me to no end about this sentence.
You guys say everything I think but haven’t the talent for drawing such references (much less the knowledge thereof) to make it so entertaining to read.
The brand of smark and truth you bring to this space every week is invaluable and I salute you!