Worst: I Love Your Energy! What You Think Doesn’t Matter, Love, John Cena
There are two stages to every show-opening (or closing) John Cena promotional:
1. Rising Action: Cena reiterates a few points that he’s been making on-and-off for the last seven years, such as “I like the fans” and “I am often here wrestling”, sometimes doing what he did last night and using really abstract things like the crowd chanting “Fruity Pebbles” at him because someone instructed them to as an example of the freewheelin’ WWE Universe, a crazy bunch’a guys and gals just hangin’ out and havin’ a good ol’ time. You can’t find a crowd like that anywhere else in entertainment, except at other wrestling shows (literally any other wrestling show … we started contextual, non-consecutive “bottom rope” and “middle rope” chants at CHIKARA in Kingsport). Cena never takes the time to point out that pro wrestling is the only place in the world you can get up in an athlete’s face, flip them off with both hands and yell F**K YOU F**K YOU F**K YOU without consequence. Well, pro wrestling and X-Box Live.
2. Falling Action: Cena, having established that WWE crowd reactions are the only things that matter in life, clarifies that what the crowd says or does doesn’t matter, because he’s just gonna come out here and wrestle and they can do what they want.
There isn’t enough exposition to explain what he’s saying in any kind of real context and there’s NEVER a denouement, so most of the time the climax is just him pointing a microphone at the crowd. Remember that horrible segment where Triple H tried to convince CM Punk that getting the fans behind him was the only thing that mattered, and CM Punk was like YEAH I KNOW LISTEN TO THEM and the crowd is all C-M-PUNK, C-M-PUNK and Triple H just says “uh uh, this isn’t important, what’s important is what THESE PEOPLE THINK” and you’re like WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING, OH GOD MY BRAIN? Cena’s solo promos and declarations are One Man Show versions of that. All he needs to do is a add in some stereotypical Mexican voices and he’s doing John Leguizamo’s “Freak”.
Best: Caddyshack References On Raw
I don’t like it when wrestlers in power get to bring up the past gimmicks of people below them, and all the guy getting bagged on for being Mantaur The Wrestling Dumpster Clown or whatever can do is nod his head and be all “yeah right whatever” instead of “HEY JOHN CENA REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A LITERAL F**KING ROBOT, STOP BREAKING KAYFABE”, but I enjoyed Cena equating Dolph Ziggler’s time as Kerwin White’s caddy to being Chevy Chase’s roommate Mitch Comstein from Caddyshack. Not only because of how temporarily great/frighteningly awful the existence of Kerwin White was, but because it allowed John Cena to say “cum stain” on TV. I’m still waiting for somebody to call him “Golf Ziggler”. I mean, it’s right there.
And on the Literal Robot tip, the next time somebody calls Dolph out for being a male cheerleader he should respond with, “I won the tag team championship as a male cheerleader and we main-evented pay-per-views against DX, enjoy wrestling Alberto Del Rio tonight for the 50th thousand time, dick”.
The best part is that this opens the door for a Chevy Chase-hosted Raw, and better yet, a Raw hosted by the entire cast of Community. I want Britta’s opinion of the Divas division and/or Leonard reviewing frozen pizzas with Ryder. “The cheese is good, are you SERIOUS bro?”
The Best Best What Ever Bested: An @MrBrandonStroud Sign
Excuse me while I whip this out.
Believe it or not, that’s not me driving to Tampa from Austin and holding up that sign, that’s complete stranger and my new best friend Daniel Feingold writing “@MrBrandonStroud” on the back of his MARRY ME VICKIE sign and holding it up at various points during Raw. As a lifelong wrestling fan it’s always been an impossibility to imagine my name showing up on a sign in a Raw crowd without me orchestrating it, so this is one of the very coolest moments in the history of Me Watching Raw. Thanks for being a true dude, Daniel.
Also, now that I’m as sign-famous as Dave Lagana and the Botchamania guy I can start Big Timing people. Good luck getting me on your podcasts now, chumps!
And Just For The Record:
I am not big time, and am not above putting every single appearance of me anywhere in this column with a paragraph about how great you are under it, so if you’re the type who brings a sign to a wrestling show and know a type with a camera or a television, do so and send it to me, I’ll toss it up here. I don’t care if you bring it to Wrestlemania front row center or take it to your local Firestorm Pro show and wave it around in Marion Fontaine’s face. It makes you my close friend forever, and I know I’ll appreciate it more than, say, John Morrison.