Worst: I Love Your Energy! What You Think Doesn’t Matter, Love, John Cena
There are two stages to every show-opening (or closing) John Cena promotional:
1. Rising Action: Cena reiterates a few points that he’s been making on-and-off for the last seven years, such as “I like the fans” and “I am often here wrestling”, sometimes doing what he did last night and using really abstract things like the crowd chanting “Fruity Pebbles” at him because someone instructed them to as an example of the freewheelin’ WWE Universe, a crazy bunch’a guys and gals just hangin’ out and havin’ a good ol’ time. You can’t find a crowd like that anywhere else in entertainment, except at other wrestling shows (literally any other wrestling show … we started contextual, non-consecutive “bottom rope” and “middle rope” chants at CHIKARA in Kingsport). Cena never takes the time to point out that pro wrestling is the only place in the world you can get up in an athlete’s face, flip them off with both hands and yell F**K YOU F**K YOU F**K YOU without consequence. Well, pro wrestling and X-Box Live.
2. Falling Action: Cena, having established that WWE crowd reactions are the only things that matter in life, clarifies that what the crowd says or does doesn’t matter, because he’s just gonna come out here and wrestle and they can do what they want.
There isn’t enough exposition to explain what he’s saying in any kind of real context and there’s NEVER a denouement, so most of the time the climax is just him pointing a microphone at the crowd. Remember that horrible segment where Triple H tried to convince CM Punk that getting the fans behind him was the only thing that mattered, and CM Punk was like YEAH I KNOW LISTEN TO THEM and the crowd is all C-M-PUNK, C-M-PUNK and Triple H just says “uh uh, this isn’t important, what’s important is what THESE PEOPLE THINK” and you’re like WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING, OH GOD MY BRAIN? Cena’s solo promos and declarations are One Man Show versions of that. All he needs to do is a add in some stereotypical Mexican voices and he’s doing John Leguizamo’s “Freak”.
Best: Caddyshack References On Raw
I don’t like it when wrestlers in power get to bring up the past gimmicks of people below them, and all the guy getting bagged on for being Mantaur The Wrestling Dumpster Clown or whatever can do is nod his head and be all “yeah right whatever” instead of “HEY JOHN CENA REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A LITERAL F**KING ROBOT, STOP BREAKING KAYFABE”, but I enjoyed Cena equating Dolph Ziggler’s time as Kerwin White’s caddy to being Chevy Chase’s roommate Mitch Comstein from Caddyshack. Not only because of how temporarily great/frighteningly awful the existence of Kerwin White was, but because it allowed John Cena to say “cum stain” on TV. I’m still waiting for somebody to call him “Golf Ziggler”. I mean, it’s right there.
And on the Literal Robot tip, the next time somebody calls Dolph out for being a male cheerleader he should respond with, “I won the tag team championship as a male cheerleader and we main-evented pay-per-views against DX, enjoy wrestling Alberto Del Rio tonight for the 50th thousand time, dick”.
The best part is that this opens the door for a Chevy Chase-hosted Raw, and better yet, a Raw hosted by the entire cast of Community. I want Britta’s opinion of the Divas division and/or Leonard reviewing frozen pizzas with Ryder. “The cheese is good, are you SERIOUS bro?”
The Best Best What Ever Bested: An @MrBrandonStroud Sign
Excuse me while I whip this out.
Believe it or not, that’s not me driving to Tampa from Austin and holding up that sign, that’s complete stranger and my new best friend Daniel Feingold writing “@MrBrandonStroud” on the back of his MARRY ME VICKIE sign and holding it up at various points during Raw. As a lifelong wrestling fan it’s always been an impossibility to imagine my name showing up on a sign in a Raw crowd without me orchestrating it, so this is one of the very coolest moments in the history of Me Watching Raw. Thanks for being a true dude, Daniel.
Also, now that I’m as sign-famous as Dave Lagana and the Botchamania guy I can start Big Timing people. Good luck getting me on your podcasts now, chumps!
And Just For The Record:
I am not big time, and am not above putting every single appearance of me anywhere in this column with a paragraph about how great you are under it, so if you’re the type who brings a sign to a wrestling show and know a type with a camera or a television, do so and send it to me, I’ll toss it up here. I don’t care if you bring it to Wrestlemania front row center or take it to your local Firestorm Pro show and wave it around in Marion Fontaine’s face. It makes you my close friend forever, and I know I’ll appreciate it more than, say, John Morrison.
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“@MrBrandonStroud” is the new “John 3:16″
But hey! Ricardo avoided the GTS! Progress!
NO CHICKBUSTERS PICTURE?! I’m shocked, and slightly disappointed.
I swear, I’m getting a chinchilla and naming it Chubby Dinero.
Bring back Mantaur the Wrestling Dumpster. That would make an awesome neck medallion.
Am I kidding? I don’t even know anymore.
Punk also has HHH’s gift of delivering a slightly funny joke before driving it into the ground and making it all awkward and shit.
I think he needs to just stop talking at this point unless he can channel something more than “you’re gay lol” and “sill wetback, go back 2 mexico plox” jokes and shit.
The crowd hates Johnny Ace because he tried to screw Punk, undermined Triple H and stole the power of RAW GM from his boss who is still his boss. He’s so cartoonishly evil that everything he does is steeped in smarm. I love it, because he’s being a heel without going off on these long tangents about “you people” and shit. He’s getting heat by appearing, saying his piece, and leaving.
Meanwhile, as much as they try to make the US title a thing, it continues to not be a thing since we still don’t have a clear idea how the heirarchy of belts go (though I’d assume some minor vagrant strain of AMERICA FUCK YEAH would lead to being US champion > Champion of the planet, but less than WWE champion, but then that’s supposedly the Championship of the fucking universe and now my head hurts.)
Dr. Doom John Laurinatis needs to start backing Cody Rhodes so we have can reveal in their comic book glory.
Buffy references in a wrestling column? You know the way straight to my heart, Brandon.
Just a few thoughts:
* That is both the first and last time I smoke up before a Raw event.
* I was pretty sure I was hallucinating @MrBrandonStroud on that sign because every time I looked back at it, it read “Marry Me Vickie” THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME KNOW I WASN’T INSANE!
* Mitch “Cum Stains” Comstein
* There is no way Cena is not fighting in that match at TLC, right?
* FUCKING LEGEND’S HOUSE! (oh please oh please oh please Iron Sheik)
Also, everyone loves the Megastar Marion Fontaine.
When The Vice President of Talent Relation and In-term General Manager of Raw Mr. John Laurinatis did his “future endeavors” bit, my first thought was “And now Brandon can be happy”. The only thing that would have made that spot better is if he’d flashed a smile and the SFX people had made his teeth do that fake “ting” shine you see in commercials.
Nash’s poopy face gets funnier and funnier. You need to post that picture anytime he does anything.
Laurinaitis and his “Mr. Excitement” schtick is by far the best part of the show right now, along with Otunga and the travel mug. His delivery is so terrible it’s terrific. I know that’s really how he talks and that it’s not a different delivery than it’s been since he’s been on television, but just having that monotone and staccato speech part of “Mr. Excitement’s” gimmick is fantastic to me. They realized he would always suck on television, but just by him giving himself that nickname all the suck has turned to awesome.
Watching RAW I kinda expected a Best for the way that the Zig Zag Man sold the Brogue Kick. It was the first thought that I had.
I really wish the show was better, another week where the show was a let down but I knew this column would make it worthwhile.
Your explanation of Punk’s belt-twirling makes more sense.
But when I saw it, I thought he was doing his impression of Leatherface swinging his chainsaw on the highway at the end of the original, angry that the last survivor (in this case, Ricardo) got away, but still happy because he has a chainsaw (world title) and can kill people.
Also, Miz telling Ziggler that Vickie was the only way he could get a reaction, followed by Ziggler muttering “oh instead of making a mean face” was great. Actually, all of his comebacks were great in that segment. Hopefully they get the belt off of him and move him up the food chain in 2012. It’s too bad that’s necessary, because I remember being little and thinking what badass titles the US and Television titles were in NWA.
Love the article Brandon. Keep pumping ‘em out.
I enjoyed the amount of wrestling but all the sketchy finishes and silly stuff bothered me. I hated Orton running after Barrett even though I accept that he gets angry and loses control. The reason he’s pissed is because Barrett keeps costing him matches….so wouldn’t he realize that’s what is happening?
I’m a bigger Smackdown fan. I tune into Raw for Zwaggler, Punk, and Del Rio
So I missed the show, did they say when Brodus Clay was finally materializing? Can Clay, Awesome Kong and Mark Henry form a supergroup?
No Brodus Clay = FUCK YOU WWE
Seriously, I’ve been waiting for the guy to get a serious storyline since he was being Del Rio’s henchman. The squashes on Superstars were solid and the promos for weeks got me excited then each week I wait and wait and still no Brodus. The dude looks impressive….let him destroy someone on Raw please.
The Cena-Ryder thing was a perfect example why WWE just can’t handle success right now. They realize there’s this organic, albeit partly ironic, thing they’ve got growing with Ryder, so let’s put him on TV waaaayyy too much and don’t really have him succeed, but be a goofy hanger-on. Then they realize they’ve got this budding interesting thing with Cena getting cheered and booed despite being the guy who tries to do the right thing – let’s make him wrestle the guy who gets cheered so that the crowd will boo him more, then in his quest to only do the right thing, give up his title shot and do something that no one would ever logically do, no matter how good a guy. Pfffffft.
Also, the fuck is Sheamus’s plan right now? Not chasing the title, not really having a problem with anyone, just showing up and smiling and whatever. He couldn’t feud with Miz? Miz couldn’t be better used than having poppies maed on his face after finally doing something productive?
Oh and everyone follow Dusty on twitter, it’s kind special. And be sure to check out my new band, Nexus Bang Bus Attack.
I’m willing to overlook Punk taking a dump on his two title contenders just because it makes him look like a strong champion, which he needs right now. I’ll change my mind if (when?) it happens every week. It’s harder to book strong heels against Cena as champ, becausse Cena.
Punk still has that vulnerability – it’s a good opportunity to make both the champion and his challengers look better.
Johnny Ace is definitely being amazing right now. The fact that he believably portrays an out-of-his element corporate shill because he actually is boring is by far the funniest part of any Raw. Also, I’m relatively new to this thing. I’ve only been actively watching wrestling for like six weeks, so if someone could answer this for me, I would greatly appreciate it. Does every single John Cena match have to end with him Never Backing Down and hitting two shoulder blocks into the Five Knuckle Shuffle into the Attitude Adjustment?
The monkey/banana reward thing is spot on
I’m not sure if its come up before, so I’ll ask: Why does John Laryngitis sound like Super Dave Obsourne? Every time he opens his mouth I expect him to announce a “Saskatchewan Seal Skin strap match”.
God the Howard the Duck thing really makes Miz hard to watch, but Dolph’s “really? Mad face?” thing was fantastic.
I swear I watched this last night, but while reading this I realized I probably wasn’t paying attention for 75%. I’m annoyed by the Divas (thought I shouldn’t be, nothing’s really going to change), annoyed that Miz can’t ever just win the damn match without some sort of help and I guess I’m confused as to why Cena seems to be on some sort of inner journey to find his true self.
Anyway, I did pay attention to the end, and my goodness, Laurinitis made it worth the two hours I put in by wishing Morrison luck on his future endeavors. It felt surreal since most of the time when a superstar is released from a contract everyone acts like that person never existed anyway
I did not care for the show. . . As much as I am a fan of diva wrestling, at this point, they should just scrap it all together and re-introduce midget wrestling. I don’t think there has ever been a time when it is this bad. This is including Trish Stratus barking like a dog.
There was some awesome one liners in this best and worst write up. Good job.
i was really hoping for those look within2012 videos were for Undertaker with corpse bride McCool but it seems walls will be broken down…
My favorite part of the night was Cole calling his 2005 PC laptop an “ipad”.
CHICKBUSTERS
WHERE
WHERE ARE THE CHICKBUSTERS
ALL CAPS IS HOW I FEEL INSIDE BRANDON
Generic required comment for reading.
Yeah the lack of AJ picture is becoming unforgiveable. No more comments from me until your next column has one.
(Otherwise, good work.)
I’m sorry, I just can’t behind the HHH/Nash match, no matter how much of a “look on the bright side” spin you put on it, Brandon. Beyond the fact that the whole feud is based on the ridiculous “I GOT A BIG POP AT THE RUMBLE” nonsense (I keep waiting for somebody to pull Nash aside and say “dude…you’d been gone for 8 years. The Rumble crowd will pop for ANYBODY they haven’t seen more recently than that morning. We could send Kamala hopping down the ramp on his one foot next January and the crowd would pop like we’d resurrected Eddie Guerrero.”), the sheer amount of ridiculous EFFORT being put into turning Kevin Nash into “scary angry monster Kevin Nash” is pointless. “Scary angry monster Kevin Nash” has NEVER existed. Anywhere. Between the bad guy from Steamboat Willie goatee, the MAEKIN’ POOPIEZ frowny face and the Ming the Merciless makeup, the whole thing smacks of effort. Nash has spent 10+ years building a character who barely gives a shit about anything except cash, so why not let that be his gimmick and motivation? Or hell, let him go back to the grey, and send him out in a bathrobe as “The Big Nashbowski”. Either one would be more believable than “GRR I HATEZ YOU SO MUCH” Nash.
“Just can’t GET behind the HHH/Nash match”. – CAN’T TYPE WELL WHEN THINKIN ABOUT MAEKIN’ POOPIEZ.
And it goes without saying, but it’s a fine-ass read as always.
I feel like them holding up Brodus’ debut is setting him up for disappointment. He went from “here comes this tough big guy” to “Z0MG, the destroyer of worlds!”. Maybe they won’t fuck it up but, lets be honest…its the WWE.
I liked last nights show a lot but, I agree with a lot of the worsts.
Congrats on being the new “Number 1 Of”, B-Stro.
First comment after months of lurking. Plz o plz keep doing this shit, Stroud.
I’m just stoked about this whole It Begins thing. It’s obviously Skip Sheffield.
I have to admit that Johnny Ace has really grown on me as an on-air character. Even more surprisingly, from a kayfabe perspective, he’s actually a pretty decent GM. He may not be “creative” or whatever CM Punk keeps calling him out for, but he makes relatively solid, logical matches (as logical as rasslin’ is going to get anyway), keeps a level head while Punk drags him through the mud again and again, while not being totally spineless like Teddy “Lemme Holla at Ya, Playa” Long (on the negative side of things, he doesn’t get the hilariously cheese-tastic porno sax
MaryseTiffanyAksana segments either). Punk should really lay off the guy. All things considered, Johnny Ace has been remarkably fair and tolerant of him. I do still want to know what “Ride the Neon Wave” was supposed to mean though. I don’t think that even made any sense in the 80s.I think Kevin Nash and Jerry Lewis have the same beautician.
“Remember that horrible segment where Triple H tried to convince CM Punk that getting the fans behind him was the only thing that mattered, and CM Punk was like YEAH I KNOW LISTEN TO THEM and the crowd is all C-M-PUNK, C-M-PUNK and Triple H just says “uh uh, this isn’t important, what’s important is what THESE PEOPLE THINK” and you’re like WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING, OH GOD MY BRAIN?”
Too funny.
I love anyone who has something good to say about Community. So big thumbs up for that.
Johhny Ace is really good right now. His ‘future endevours’ line had me laughing out loud.
…I really don’t understand why anyone cares about Brodus Clay. He looks like he’s in terrible shape. I mean, there’s Vader fat, and then there’s Yokozuna fat, right? Brodus is flabby. Besides, how exciting is any giant monster, long-term? They’re unstoppable for a while, until they’re not. Then they’re mid-card the rest of their career. Kane and Big Show are both perfect examples.
WWE wrestlers are like Dug, the dog from Up. They can be in the middle of something super important and as soon as they see another wrestler it’s “SQUIRREL!” and they gaze off in the distance and then have to chase the squirrel forgetting their task at hand.
Good stuff again, sir.
As Cena was talking, I literally catch myself thinking, “Man, Brandon is going to worst the shit out of this.”
Re: Chickbusters photos
I was trying to transition those into the Smackdown live blogs, to give you guys a reason to show up for/participate in those. I can go back and add one in if I have to.
Otunga loud-sipping his coffee may be the most annoying/greatest thing ever. He should put it before his entrance theme so everybody would know he is about to come out.
I can’t really fault Cena too much for not getting up too quick after Ryder’s version of Samoa Joe/ken Anderson’s Face Wash (whatever he calls it), because I don’t know if it was Cena not having his head in the right spot or Ryder just plain missing the mark (I think it’s the latter), but it looked like he really kicked Cena in the head, and I mean really clobbered him. I was like “Damn, I hope Cena is alright.”. Also the whole sequence is very illogical, it makes for a very poor setup to the Flying Dick Attack. I understand the concept of suspension of disbelief, but I’m really supposed to believe that after a guy just ran full speed at me and kicked me in the side of the head, while I’m seated and in the corner so I don’t have anywhere to go to lessen the impact no less, I would quickly get up and act dazed? A much better setup move would be something that would be done while the opponent is standing, like say an Enzuigiri (I never understood why an Enzuigiri isn’t used as a finisher these days, it should be at least as devastating as a Superkick, but that’s a whole different topic), then the opponent can walk around all punch drunk like Naich or Mr. Perfect (minus the EPIC face plant) right into Ryder’s Flying Dick Attack.
Johnny Ace’s new nickname should be Mr. Excitement.
I wonder if part of the problem is that Punk is going from self-aware to ironic. During the summer he was aware of his role and his goals. Now he’s taken that one step further (no doubt thanks to the writers) and now he has to be cool. But what was cool was the authenticity, not the ironic detachment.
In other words, I wholeheartedly agree that he’s becoming HHH and that sucks. Although at least he can wrestle.
I look more forward to this column than I do Raw. It’s offiical.
can we just get rid of women’s wrestling? I mean if all they get is a minute and a half of beth doing a couple moves and losing on a roll up to a girl half her weight in a tag match where two of the girls didn’t wrestle is there even a point left to have them around? Why don’t they just go back to being what sunny and sable were…good looking girls who walk out there with the men. At least then they accomplish something by doing nothing. I enjoyed women’s wrestling back when matches made sense and they at least got a 5 minute match.
I giggle every time I see Nash’s poopy face. That and the words “MAESK POOPIES”–nice to know that the 7-year-old in me still exists.
Good gawd, but I like that Dubstep. I would probably watch the WWE Network, too, just to see some of the stuff I used to enjoy. The idea of Real World: WWE just leaves me cold, though.
On a side note, I saw the ad for TLC with David Otunga recently. My immediate first thought: Dear gawd, he’s got better tits than a Victoria’s Secret model. Put a bra on that boy and tell me I’m lying.
You getting your own sign is my favourite crowd sign since Heidenreich Is An Idiot at a Rumble a few years ago. And I laugh to this day about that one.
I’m enjoying the Nash screen cap so much that it’s making me want to see him stick around, even though there is absolutely no reason why he should be wrestling in 2011. The recent squashing of Santino makes me wonder if he’s going to be the next Scotty 2 Hotty; a total jobber who sticks around based on a reaction for his one goofy yet over move. Finally, I wonder if Punk’s booking is the biggest case of “be careful what you wish for” ever, even if I did enjoy seeing him standing tall at the end of the show. He sure is the top guy now, with all that entails.
Disagree with the idea that CM Punk is the new HHH. What makes HHH so infuriating is the way he’ll make an unfunny to average quip, but everyone involved reacts like he’s the wittiest guy on the planet just because of who he is. Punk actually is that funny and earns those reactions naturally. I didn’t even get the vibe that he was calling Miz gay. The joke was more based around you expecting him to go there, then him switching it up by accusing Miz of being a Twilight fan. HHH was have straight up accused Miz of liking boys.
Need an example? Recall Jerishow skit where the two had recently disbanded and were intentionally acting like two lovers bumping into each other for the first time after a nasty breakup. Then watch HHH trample all over it with a “lol i think these guys are gay” later on in the show. It was the RAW on 12/28/09, if you’re curious. CM Punk has never come close to approaching that level of cringe-worthy. Nor will he ever.
I was as shocked as everyone else to see that sweet DUBSTEP ad. In a single night the WWE skipped over Acid Jazz, Old-Skool Jungle/RAGGA, and Trip-Hop, going straight to DUBSTEP. This both makes me happy because I like DUB, and also a bit sad because they could have humored me with at least one Old-Skool Jungle ad (I grew up on Old-Skool Jungle).
@Hydrox – You are Punkblind. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that” is end-of-sentence code for “I just mentioned that you’re gay”. And whether or not you think the jokes are funny doesn’t mean he is or isn’t making them for a counterproductive reason.
Is it me or does Kelly Kelly have a better intro then Ryder
Congrats on the twitter mention Brandon. Now use your power for good and persuade people to hold up signs that say “Sell the Ziggler Hoodie”. I want that as a Christmas present.
Zack Ryder is the closest thing to a friend I can remember Cena having and it doesn’t even seem the slightest bit believable. Why would Cena want to hang out with him? He’s a complete dork who blames the person who beat him at wrestling for beating him. That shows zero Hustle, Loyalty or Respect. He’s also filmed him without permission for his own personal gain on multiple occasions. What could they possibly have in common? Is it just because Ryder is the only person on the roster who you could honestly say that Cena is cooler than? That has to be it, right?
I stilll don’t get how I used to watch Z:TLIS every single week and now I can’t stand him. How did I get here? This is not my beautiful wife.
” Don’t forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he he always wanted.”
He lost his hair.
Also, 66 2/3rds
Yeah Punk was definitely calling him gay. It’s pretty crazy when you consider that while the rest of society is moving toward acceptance of homosexuality at a fairly good clip all things considered, WWE is moving backward just as quickly. It’s not like
@Brandon – As a Zigglerblind individual I resent that! And I’ve taken some flak for having a Brandonblind view of Best and Worst Of before especially in regards to Punk during the HHH feud. This just happens to be one case where I disagree with you.
On a more positive note, the column is ace. Please keep it up.
I meant – It’s not like Roddy Piper was calling Adrian Adonis a fag in 1985, but Punk is doing this AFTER having GLAAD all over him a few months ago? You’re better than that, Punker.
Reaching the point of fame where random strangers advertise your personal Twitter account is now called “The Stroud.”
….as in, “Reaching the Stroud.” Should’ve said that. Because the joke is terrible without it.
…it’s pretty bad with it. Just nevermind. OOOOH, LOOK, A CAT!
@MrBrandonStroud is the new Sushi-X of wrestling signs
This column has 100% less AJ than it needs.
I was surprised Cena didn’t end up covered in orange smears and streaks after wrestling Zack Ryder. There’s got to be a limit to how much bronzer a human body can absorb.
Daniel Bryan might’ve gotten crushed by Mark Henry last week, and crushed by ADR this week, BUT he did get a good-luck kiss on the lips from AJ on Friday, which is worth at least one profound ass-kicking (if maybe not two).
I want Nash on every show, just so you can do the POOPIES bit. I swear, it gets me every time.
“I look more forward to this column than I do Raw. It’s official.”
QFT
You should start calling them pl33bs.
” Don’t forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he he always wanted.”
According to Willy Wonka, he lived happily ever after (and owned a Chocolate Factory). I guess that works, since Ryder already has the skin complexion of an Oompa Loompa.
BTW, now that Morrison’s officially gone, have we discussed who’s gonna eat my lunch? ‘Cuz now I don’t know who’s gonna eat it.
I actually liked Raw and was disappointed to see it go under a 3.0 rating.
I thought I was the only one who heard the Otunga slurp of death. I thought my stomach was rumbling at first.
Question: Why did Punk, ADR and Miz all sign the cover sheet of the contract? Never in the history of perfectly legitimate contract-signing-dom (that I recall) has a wrestler not flipped over at least two sheets to sign the bottom one.
1+1+1 = 66 2/3
LOL @ “He could have an actual wrestling match without outside interference and Nexus Bang Bus attacks or whatever.”
I don’t know why it was around the 7th or 8th time, but I can not stop laughing at Kevin Nash maeking poopies.
A Buffy reference in a wrestling column? It’s like you wrote this as a love note to me. I can’t agree more about the abundance of “ZOMG! IT’S THAT GUY/GAL OOOOPS I LOST!” match finishers. Having 3 in one night makes me think the writers pull endings out of a bag… “Wow, we pulled ‘distracted by nemesis’ three times guys, gotta shake that bag up more next week.” Not to mention that is seems the only finisher they can come up with in an “Any Diva vs Nat and/or Beth” match is a SURPRISE! small package! Please, please, please at least pretend you care, Creative?
Was I the only one waiting for Max Headroom to jump out of my screen during the WWE Network promo? Anyone? Sigh. Please, for the love of all that’s sacred and holy in wrestling, make sure Sheik-y baby is in that Legends House. My boyfriend and I created almost the exact same conversation between Punk & Evan. Get out of my brain, Brandon. It’s a scary, nerdy place in there. Not one of Punk’s best mic moments, but the Hercules belt swing made up for it. I was surprised they actually went for the “best in all your future endeavors, JoMo” moment for John, but it was exactly what that segment needed, besides a five-second pose for those with the benefit of flash photography.
I am, at this moment, sending you a KEVIN NASH MAEKS THE POOPIES >=( macro via Twitter. It will never not be funny to me as well.
Face wrestler capitalizes on heel miscommunication/teamwork breakdown to hit specials on both heels? Yeah, Punk and Triple H are the only ones to ever do that…
/obligatory eye roll
@Carson Palmers Real Estate Agent – I know you’re not looking for conversation deeper than “wanking motion”, but that is so unbelievably not the point. The points for the segment were that Punk was/is being too cool for school, and that Miz is always getting beaten up when it’s important no matter how many guys he hangs with.
Job well done. Again. I loved the bulldog through the table at the end.
Can’t believe no one said anything about the Excel Saga reference….guess I’m the only anime fiend here… :(
**sniff sniff** …but John Cena never gives up…(?)
I have a dream that one day we’ll see a pop up during a Raw broadcast with the words “Trending on Twitter right now: Nash Maeks Poopies”.
I read this every week, and it makes me happy because it shows an intelligent look at something that everyone else looks down on. It makes me all sentimental, like every TNA I RESPECTED YOU HULK, YOU’RE THE REASON I’M IN THIS BUSINESS promo.
P.S. I met CM Punk on the street the other day and called him Mr. Brooks. I feel like it might have creeped him out a little bit.
So here’s my question Brandon, having only read through the first worst of Daniel Bryan’s match: You said a few weeks back that “X-Pac heat” is really the only heat that truly exists anymore. So, with that in mind, isn’t Michael Cole absolutely killing it from a heel standpoint? He makes me legitimately hate him and want to stop watching Raw, which is very similar to not wanting to watch a shitty wrestler wrestle. Wouldn’t Cole and Vince argue that he is excelling as a heel?
I’m calling it right now:
@TLC, Cena will wander into Lauranitis’ office and ask to “just be put into the WWE Title match”. Lauranitis will be the actual logical one saying “you made a deal, and you have to fulfill it.” Everyone will boo.
And then? Lauranitis will say “although you’re not in the WWE title match, you’re still eligible for any other matches.” Before putting him into an unscheduled match. Cena will walk out to the ring and wait eagerly for his opponent… and then there you go. Brodus Clay debuts and squashes Cena.
“X Wrestler” is going to be the name of my next WWE ’12 Create a Superstar.
I’m guessing Daniel Bryan will have the honour of getting squashed by Brodus Clay on his debut. After all, why would you ever want to reward the most reliable guy on the roster?
I look more forward to people looking more forward to this column than raw than this column.