Best: Now There’s A Champion I Could See M’Self Drinkin’ A Beer With
It’s such a small thing, but having the newly-minted face champions enter through the crowd is a perfect way to humanize and endear them to the audience. I guess the idea is to present these guys not as larger-than-life characters, but as legitimate, relocatable members of the audience they claim to represent. It’s sort of like the smark version of when rednecks used to talk about how great it was to finally have a President they could drink a beer with. Except not really, since in this case, two of the Presidents don’t drink, and the third President only drinks fermented rat piss mixed with scented dish soap.
Worst: Yes, Mr. Cole. EVERYTHING Stinks
I guess after tonight we can go ahead and add “wrestlers who grew up wanting to become wrestlers” and “wrestlers who actually interact with the people paying to watch them perform” as qualifiers for what makes somebody a goof. I want to strap Michael Cole to a metal table, clamp his eyes open and force him to watch old VHS recordings of mid-90′s Disney Afternoon until his nose starts bleeding and he dies of a brain aneurysm.
Though I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out how clever it was of him to refer to the team of Punk, Bryan and Ryder as “The Three Stooges.” You see, it’s an apt comparison on account of both groups are comprised of exactly three people and furthermore,
Best: Six Main-Eventers, Six Fresh Faces
I can’t tell you how relieving it was to be treated to a main-event consisting entirely of people new to the position. Especially when given free reign to work a solid ten-minute sprint. It was a showcase of a direction the company (should) be working toward, and providing Vince doesn’t either get cold feet due to a lack of instant gratification or decide to appoint a heroic dog as his new top star, there’s no reason they shouldn’t ultimately get there.
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Daniel Bryan’s going to lose the title on Friday and I’m going to miss recapping his entire run, aren’t I.
Yeah pretty much, Brandon. Why not just a write-up at the end of the week about TLC/Raw/Smackdown. I’ve never been more curious to hear your thoughts on something WWE related.
Great job though Justin, very enjoyable read.
Great job Justin. Last night was a great show, the only worst I think you missed was John Cena referencing Kane as hating christmas and dentistry. We all know he was the Christmas Creature and Isaac Yankem, but the only way Kane works is if he seems inhuman. It’s just like when Cena talked about Del Rio’s rental cars. We all know it’s fake but it’s fun to pretend.
I mean, does John Cena want to fight “Glen Jacobs” instead?” What would that accomplish, other than disappointing Destiny?
Oh and also Bryan tapped out Del Rio! Maybe they won’t treat this reign like a joke! Right? RIGHT?!
The opening to RAW was awesome. One of the better openings I can remember, and it succeeded in making me feel like, hey, maybe they do know what they are doing and things are gonna get better.
I’m just not gonna hold my breath though…
Oh,and Brandon, they won’t do that, they already did that to Christian this year. They will wait until next week at least. If for nothing else than to get one article that you write with D-Bry as Champion.
Thanks for covering Justin, it was a great episode of Raw… plus I’m glad I’m not the only one who groaned when Mihal walked out with a turban.
It’s weird that this keeps happening, but Raw was really good and Triple H wasn’t on it. Amazing.
Was it me, or did that feel like a fucking WRESTLING show last night? It starts out by making a big deal about the guys with the belts being really fucking excited to have them. Then there’s more guys really upset because they lost their matches last night. Then there was a tag team match where both teams looked like teams. Then there was an awesome main event that the crowd was fired up for because it was really exciting and not because they want to chant at Cena for the 654th episode in a row. Awesome.
No poopiez, though.
Wow, nice work, Justin–for a moment, I thought B was pulling a fast one on us. In the words of Sammy Sosa, “ees so REAL!”
“That’s what wrestling needs if it really wants to get progressive. An openly gay wrestler who doesn’t define himself by his sexuality and will bloody your ignorant nose if you try and start some shit.”
I thought they already had William Regal for that?
Both of these guest reviews this week were great. Good job by everybody, including Brandon for wrangling these two into this sometimes grim task.
Well I miss Brandon because he never spoiled Breaking Bad for me out of no where.
“Was it me, or did that feel like a fucking WRESTLING show last night? It starts out by making a big deal about the guys with the belts being really fucking excited to have them. Then there’s more guys really upset because they lost their matches last night. Then there was a tag team match where both teams looked like teams. Then there was an awesome main event that the crowd was fired up for because it was really exciting and not because they want to chant at Cena for the 654th episode in a row. Awesome.”
Agreed on this and the addition by subtraction of Triple H.
not only did this feature the word “blingwads”, it also equated Cole with insane asylum Jay Sherman. Put it in the W column.
If you think about it…when Triple H started winning ALL the belts is when Raw TUMBLED in the ratings…May of ’02 Hulk Hogan is champ, Triple H becomes heel-god for the next 4 years, Steve Austin retires, NWO comes back….it was a multitude of events that made everyone turn away….for me mostly Steve Austin retiring.
Good work. Thanks Justin.
I can’t be the only one who immediately thought “Well I guess Vince asked him to spic it up a little” when Jinder Mahal came out.
i hated santino getting his arm worked over for the whole match, then he goes and punches and hip tosses cody rhodes. the finishing run of the tag match was sweet. and i love rosa too.
I hate you so much for the Breaking Bad spoiler. So, so much.
Can Alicia Fox finish her Rihanna makeover so we can just get it over with? I’m assuming that’s what they’re going with, right?
I love that they have a diva managing a tag team. And we have a Bella break-up emerging. We have diva storylines again! It’s a miracle!
I want to believe in the opening and closing segment is symbolic of WWE’s future, but, I’ve been burned so many times before, that I’ll assume this will all change by Wrestlemania
Wait ’til the ratings go up and HHH sticks his nose in it’s business…”YOU NEED THE CROWD TO LIKE YOU”
This is so unimportant in the grand scheme of things, but they could never break up the Bellas could they? There’s no way I could remember from one week to the next who I was supposed to like.
I was hoping for Daniel Bryan to snap and fuck up Ryder and Punk that entire opening segment. That would’ve been the greatest thing ever.
Or just grab the one fans arm he’s holding in the stands and cattle mutilate the shit out of him.
Great read Justin. I really enjoyed last night’s show, especially the opening and closing, for obvious reasons. To see Punk and Bryan as champions on their respective brands gives me hope for the future. Or at least until Bryan loses the title on Friday and HHH returns to Raw.
My Worst for Raw was Alicia Fox. From walking in wearing the carcass of Basil Brush on her head, to trying to smash Beth Phoenix’s face with her finisher, to trying to emote even a little bit on the mic, she is god-awful. Beth Phoenix must have died a little inside when told she was finished feuding with Kelly Kelly, only for Alicia to be next in line.
And finally, being Irish, I can say with absolutely certainty that The Irish Curse is a complete and totally fallacy *crosses legs in shame*
Seems mad questionable to refer to Santino as a “Mexican.”
In researching this comment, I uncovered the following knowledge:
[i.cg.cg]
@Patrick Cosmos – Please refer to the film festival episode of The Simpsons for an explanation of that joke.
Going to off you for spoiling Breaking Bad. I wait for it to come out on DVD dick nose.
However, great fill in for Brandon. Maybe Daniel Bryan will snap on Big Show for crying like a puss cake last night. No mention of the 5th cryptic video?? Which is obviously for the return of D-Lo Brown *head shake* *wave around European Title*.
Shinebox out!
“I’ve watched hundreds of desperate indy wrestlers throw themselves through tables, fly off of ladders and get stabbed in the face only to transform magically from robots into blingwads; all in an effort to make names for themselves, and in one fell swoop Wade Barrett plugs Randy Orton in the eye with his thumb, undoes all that and transports me back to a time where I’m marking because George Hackenschmidt is wrestling a bear on the carnival midway. Also, I’m wearing a punched-out top hat and roasting a single bean over a fire in some transient work camp.”
I heart everything about this paragraph. Well done, sir.
I think they should have Jinder Mahal be an extremely boring evil foreigner. Like, highlight the fact that he’s from Calgary and has a communications degree. Everyone hates communications degrees.
I also like how Punk was rocking his Halloween ring attire on the go home Christmas episode, fuck tha police indeed.
Another worst not mentioned: The Bellas complain to Mr. L about being sexually harassed and he said he’ll look into it. Not even 5 seconds later, Hornswoggle sexually harasses Vicky Guerrero infront of Mr. L and a freaking Lawyer, who is supposed to be defending the rights of the worker, and, nothing? Bull. Shit.
Zack Ryder is a total dick for not thanking John Cena.
@Robert Conspiracy: I think you’re onto something. He should totally do a 99% protest gimmick and talk about how his communications degree in 19th century South East Asian media from a place dubbed Texas Canada, has left him unemployable, and thus, he has to do something he hates, which is wrestling. Just to feed his cats.
One last thought to avoid going to the mall and Christmas shop:
The cryptic message is totally proof that the Undertaker is going to come back with an angel as his valet. This angel, will be his mom and will be played by Sunny.
All those rumors from 1997-1999 will finally be vindicated!
I was there live. The crowd shit on Alicia Fox after the match and all during her promo. It was so, so, so awesome.
I seriously just finished up watching all four seasons of Breaking Bad yesterday after about a week of finally getting around to watching it. Otherwise, I would be very, very angry if I just had that spoiled.
So many references to get a single point across…this guy must be REALLY smart
A great episode of a Raw and a nice straight-forward recap. Thanks Justin!
Go for big air and buy the african American Bart Simpson t shirt, that almost made me shit my pants
(Read in Jeff Foxworthy voice) If you pay a company to wear a shirt that says one of their products sucks…you might be functionally retarded.
The best part of the main event (and the whole show, really) was that it seemed like an exercise to show off how awesome Punk, Bryan and Ryder are. Love this kind of thing and it’s way better than Jack Swagger’s title reign where every match was designed to make him look like a goof (TM Michael Cole). A good start. I’m happy.
I made a mental note on a recent Smackdown with (I think) Orton and Ryder taking on Ziggler and Barrett and thinking how great it was to see so many new faces in a main event. This week we have a 6-man with WWE Champ CM Punk, World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan, and US Champ Zack Ryder against Del Rio, Miz, and Ziggler in a Raw Main Event. I remember thinking in 2010 how the main events would look like any main events in 2009, so there was no damn point in watching. And now this. It’s just awesome.
Good read. I think Brandon’s No HHH=Good Episodes Theory is holding up nicely.
BRING BACK BRANDON! Good show!
Not only did you try way too hard to be funny but you also spoiled Breaking Bad out of nowhere. Seriously, that’s a dick move. Even if it was a spoiler, you could have just let us think it was a joke and not be an even bigger dick by going “HEY GUESS WHAT?! I JUST SPOILED THAT FOR YOU WITHOUT A WARNING LOLZ!” The writing wasn’t as thorough as Brandon either. I give Brandon shit for loving Alberto Del Rio but I’d rather read an article composed nothing but ADR fellating before I ever read one of your assclownish articles again. Seriously, fall down some stairs.
I liked the recap.
Damn I wish Michael Cole would go away though. We get it, he hates the faces. Can he just shut up and call matches now?
Starting of Raw competition Between both team is go on complecated situation.See this ww raw 12/19 Episode.Excellent performance.
Good Recap – Fun show – I read somewhere (my wife’s gossip rag) that Jennifer Hudson had split from David Otunga. Let the HEEL ASCENDANCY BEGIN~
Too bad Raw next week isn’t in Canada or the UK so Alicia could say “Foxy Boxing Day” and totally change the point of the holiday.
Very good recap. The flea market bit was excellent and you nailed why the “entrance through the crowd” gimmick is so perfect for these guys.
In fact, you should look into doing your own recaps! You could do them on another site, competing against Brandon for a few years, trading the lead in pageviews, until you guys finally bury the hatchet and do a joint column.
But after a few weeks, you might feel restless, and brandon might feel threatened. Tension builds, until finally you BLOW UP at him, attacking him with a sledgehammer. The readers would wonder if Brandon even had a pulse, while you would go on to MAEK POOPIES all over WL.
Finally, Brandon would come back, bury all of the new columnists that sprung up during this feud, and your space bar would blow out for the 1000000th time.
This comment got away from me.
*SMACKDOWN SPOILER*
Bryan makes it through Smackdown this week with his title.
Good job Justin. I liked it a bunch
Thanks for the words, everybody. I had no fucking idea how much time actually goes into these things. At this point I’m convinced Brandon is some sort of super robot sent back from the future with the explicit purpose of writing insanely funny, in-depth wrestling recaps. Regardless, your approval is rad. I’m glad laughs were had and I feel kinda sad about spoiling Breaking Opposite-of-Good.
Loved the article and your style, hope you do more recaps. One small thing, Irish Curse isn’t about the Irish having small penises. It’s actually about going out, getting drunk off your face and the alcohol causing you not being able to get an erection. Please change it because you make us Irish Broski’s look bad lol.
Either way, great article, especially the stuff about Cena not being “our guy”. I’ve been saying it for years that Cena isn’t targetted at the older audience so why treat him by older audiences standards? If I don’t like Tuna, I don’t buy a fuckin’ Tuna baguette and then complain that it sucks lol.
@Gavin I’m not gonna try and convince you I tried the appropriate amount as quantified by the department of weights & measures to be funny (I have a certificate,) but interestingly enough I DID fall down a couple of steps at work yesterday, so there you go!
Not my least favourite “Best of WWE” article so far but it was pretty bland. Ruined particularly by the mentioning of “John Cena doesn’t deserve all the hate guize. I don’t get why y’all haet him. He a pretty cool guize and don’t afraid of anybody.”, of course the Breaking Bad spoiler and lack of AJ pictures.
Other than all that A+!
I do get sick of Brandon sucking Alberto Del Rio’s dull dick and mentioning his slight weeaboo wrestling interests though, so it was nice to not have have to put up with that.
I can’t believe no one pointed this out (or maybe no one but me was anal enough to actually notice it), but the rip-off Cena shirt in the Jamster commercial?
It said “U O ME”. At least someone working for Jamster has a sense of humor about ripping people off.
Dude, the Jamster commercial was hilarious. I was half-paying attention, heard the Raw music and thought “why would WWE partner – oh, yeah… theeeeeeere it is.”
Sorry, I scrolled past all the comments, but is it just me, or did the main event have an indie feel to it? That ain’t a negative criticism; I liked it, and everyone involved. They can easily have 3 feuds develop with any of the participants.
Also, Daniel Bryan as World Heavyweight Champion for as long as possible, please, Mr. McMahon? You have my permission.
Also, no mention of Cena saying Kane got a little weird around the holidays or when he has to got the dentist, clearly referring to his Christmas Creature and Isaac Yankem DDS gimmicks? I feel like Brandon would’ve chided Cena for that.
And I also thought that Kane was doing the Mandible Claw, but maybe that’s just me.
@Edzone – I’ll make sure to up the Shitty Racist parts of my column next week, that should make you happy.
@mrejr8234 – Get over it. You’ve been leaving negative comments since that Jeff Gordon breakdancing video where I quoted King of the Hill and you thought it made me anti-white people.
I kept thinking Cena’s notch in the neck of his shirt was because he works out so much, his neck barely fit into his shirt. Then I realized it was the same trick that Hogan used to employ. That makes me a little sad. Kane isn’t strong enough to rip a shirt off of someone without a little help? Dammit, Kane, its like you spent all that time off growing hair instead of actually working out.
Great job filling in Justin! Solid recap and I can’t say I disagree with you on any Best/Worst. And that’s not just because you dropped a Wodehouse reference that made this librarian think there is hope for humanity after all. I think the fact that you were able to throw a Hackenschmidt reference into this week’s column proves that this actually felt like a wrestling show for the first time in a long time. That six-man match showcased the future of the WWE (if only Vince lets it). Sure, we got a botched ladies match which left Beth with an awesome shiner courtesy of an under-trained diva, some more VEILED RACISM and SEXUAL HARASSMENT, and more whiny, depressed Cole than anyone needs in a two-hour dose, but all in all, it was a solid wrestling show. And please oh please, wrestling gods, don’t let them turn Bryan’s title reign into a joke… Must I sacrifice some tofu on the Altar of Gotch to make that happen? I’ll do it… I’m really bummed I’m stuck working the 26th so I can’t be at RAW in Chicago. But at least I know I have this column to cheer me up on Tuesday. I’d love to hear your take on this past week, Brandon. Maybe a short piece before Smackdown?
I wish this show could have happened closer to the week wrestling was “cool” again. It would have been nice to show a bunch of people a Raw where the belts looked like they mattered, new interesting characters were being presented, and no homophobic slurs were thrown back and forth as opposed to Triple H taking over.
What are the chances that on Friday, Teddy Long announces that, since The Big Show was not properly made aware that D-Bryan (Remember when Booker gave him the nickname D-Bryan?) was cashing in MITB, the match didn’t count? Remember when the ref would actually make sure the champ was semi-lucid before ringing the bell? That practice seemed to have ended when Bryan tried to cash in against Mark Henry. If he’s handed the briefcase back one more time, he’s going to throttle Teddy with it.