Best: Hey, Rey Mysterio Is Back!
Worst: Rey Mysterio, Excited About CM Punk
I almost stopped watching wrestling completely during this segment. It seems asinine, really, but for the first time since maybe Katie Vick my brain said “if x happens, f**k it, I’m not going to watch this anymore”. It was when my brain figured out that Rey Mysterio was going to happily present CM Punk with a Superstar of the Year award.
Punk teaming with Randy Orton earlier in the show is bad enough, but he’s done that once or twice since the summer and I’ve grown to accept it. I guess Orton considers that whole “trying to end his career and/or mind rape his stage wife in the stairwell of his tour bus” thing water under the bridge, but I can’t accept that from Rey Mysterio. Punk and Mysterio have been in a blood feud over lucha libre heritage and family for years now, and if Mysterio was just gonna show up and be all “LOL punk dropped a pipe bomb he likes ice cream bars awesome” and not at least give me the decency of an “I’m going to be the bigger man and forgive CM Punk for treating me like he did” speech I was willing to unplug my television and throw it through my goddamn window. Randy Orton has a mental disorder, but Rey Mysterio has a MAGICAL CONNECTION WITH THE WWE UNIVERSE and somehow my frontal lobe feels like a perversion of that would be the worst.
I’m happy it didn’t go down like that, because I like watching wrestling. Also, because John Laurinaitis > CM Punk. I’m kidding, but no, seriously
Best: John Laurinaitis Is Seriously The Best Part Of This Show Now
You know how Executive Vice President Of Talent Relations And Interim General Manager Of Raw John Laurinaitis responded to Punk’s hatefully-intended video package? By watching him get hurt, then walking out and accepting Punk’s Superstar of the Year award on his behalf with a smile on his face. He said “humbally”, mumbled his way through “WWE” and did the Kelly Kelly point to the crowd as he walked away with the trophy over his head.
I am blatantly just telling you to love this guy now.
Worst: Psst, We Can See The Pyro On The Posts
Point of Interest: Kane is coming back soon.
Point of Interest: Kane is the only wrestler who has pyrotechnic special effects involving the ring posts.
Point of Interest: When the camera pans by the ring and you can see pyrotechnics set up on the ring posts, Kane is probably about to return.
So the next thing wasn’t much of a surprise. It was a nice reprise of the good old days when you could tell if Kane was going to win based on whether or not there was pyro on the posts when the match started, I guess.
Best: THAT’S GOTTA BE… THAT’S GOTTA BE KANE, THAT’S GOTTA BE KANE
I hate Kane — I truly do — but I’m giving him a best here, because hey.
On a show of pointless, anticlimactic returns it was sorta nice to see Kane wander out in a Mark I Rocketeer helmet reading to WELD SOME F**KEN METAL with big cartoon fire on his pants. In a Kane moment even more predictable than fire on the ringposts, he chokeslammed John Cena instead of the guy who put him out with an injury, either because he wanted to “send a message” to Mark Henry that I guess punching and choking him personally couldn’t send or he’s doing that wacky “MARK HENRY DIDN’T HURT ME, HE RESURRECTED ME” stuff. Kane gets the Best nod here for a few reasons, mostly:
1. Destiny loves him, because she was like 10 when he first showed up.
2. If you’re going to have Kane around, you might as well have him be Kane.
And I thought his Manhunter mask was pretty cool, I guess. Yeah, I hate one stretch where I loved Kane, right when he took off the mask and was being dragged around in handcuffs with a towel on his head. Shane McMahon ruined that in the same way he’d ruin Randy Orton and Legacy a few years later. If we can keep Kane in that I AM A GIGANTIC GUY WHO WILL BURN YOU TO DEATH BECAUSE I AM OUT OF MY GOURD thing and never have him be someone’s weed smoking/milk drinking/spinaroonie-doing tag team partner again I think we’ll be fine… especially if this is the end of Kane’s career and a Lifetime Achievement of sorts.
We’ll wait and see where it goes. Worst case scenario, we’ll make a graphic about him making poopies.