Best: Remembering Lita’s Divalicious Moments
Lita (who looked great, by the way, and I can say that because I’m from Virginia and love trashy white girls in rockabilly dresses they think make them look like “pin-ups”) presented the award for “Divalicious Moment of the Year” and mentioned how she’s had an entire career of Divalicious moments, like when she won the Women’s Championship in the main event on Raw, participating in TLC matches and meeting Pee-wee Herman. Here are a few she forgot to mention:
1. Getting blackmailed and raped by Kane, then falling in love with him
2. Rubbing her ass against Edge’s semi-boner during live sex on Raw
3. The time her ex-boyfriend nailed pictures of her to trees and shot at them with a pistol as a “joke” for his “reality show” on YouTube
4. Breaking her neck because Jessica Alba doesn’t know how to sell a hurricanrana
5. Breaking her neck because Lita doesn’t know how to dive through the ropes without Hayabusa’ing herself
6. Breaking her knees because a Lou Thesz press to cement is a great idea
7. Messing up every single move she ever attempted outside of a) rana, b) moonsault
8. Hardy Boyz Respek Knuckles
9. Cryme Tyme stealing her vibrator and selling it to the crowd
10. Getting a condom slipped on her finger by Danny Doring during a wedding proposal
11. Something about El Dandy and a swimming pool full of ejaculate
Lita gets the Trish Stratus treatment almost more than Trish, where wrestling fans in 2011 talk about how great she was and how she needs to wrestle one more match, but guys, seriously, were you not around for the entirety of her career? They eventually gave her a DDT as her finisher so she’d stop hurting herself.
In a related story, “Wrestlicious Moment of the Year” went to Sha-na-na describing her moves as “nifty” so it’ll rhyme with “fifties” for the second straight year.
Worst: Be A Star Dynamics In A Nutshell
We didn’t get a twenty second Divas match this week (because there wasn’t time, I guess?) so we got everything a Divas match accomplishes in a Slammy Awards segment. Kelly Kelly wins Divalicious Moment Of The Year for one of her 65 championship win victory rolls, but before she can accept Beth Phoenix and Natalya wander out and take it from her. Beth starts to say something sarcastic, so Kelly smacks her in the face and takes the award back. Beth wants to fight back, but Kelly holds the Slammy over her head, and “woman holding something over her head” is the nuke code for Divas segments and everybody has to stop what they’re doing and leave.
Now, if you’re Beth Phoenix, wouldn’t you just say WAIT WHAT and whomp the shit out of Kelly? Why did Natalya accompany Beth out to bully Kelly, but hold Beth back after Kelly slapped her? Nothing was accomplished, Kelly Kelly got to look dominant by doing literally nothing, Beth and Nattie continued being bullies who can’t even pretend to back it up. Divas match, right?
Worst: The Bella Twins Are Either Meta As F**k Or Worse Than Porn
“But San Tino, what do you MEAN you do not know what Oh Em Gee means? Come on, you are a REAL nerd!”
Maybe they did a workshop with Bruce Vilanch before last night’s show, but damn, the Bella Twins were rough last night. I like to think the Bellas were sitting in on a creative meeting and when they got to the OMG Of The Year Award one of the writers just stood up and screamed RAHHH and flipped the table, pulled out a notebook with “Santino doesn’t understand common abbreviations” scrawled across the front, threw it at them and yelled “this should take care of your segment, NIKKI, SEE YOU NEVER”.
Best: Poopies Face Sighting
Wait, hold on, where is it…
There it is. Oh, hey, you know what would be awesome? Watching Kevin Nash’s assault on Triple H again. We haven’t seen it in full on the last ten episodes. NGGHHHHHHHH >=(
Worst: Did Anybody Accuse Triple H Of Being Wrong
The less said about Triple H’s triumphant return promo the better. It was the tougher, cooler, stronger and smarter version of Jim Ross forgetting his rap. He took five minutes to say “I’m going to hit Kevin Nash with a sledgehammer” in the most roundabout way imaginable, equating some kind of weird “might makes right” thing where he’s “right” and Kevin Nash is “done”. If might makes right, shouldn’t Kevin Nash be in f**king Mensa for hitting you twice and putting you out for six weeks?
H does this thing where he puts the microphone right under his nose and just kinda looks up and to the left and you can see the manatee floating around in his brain, picking Latin phrases and quotes from Gran Torino at random. He’s back, and the show is the worst. Have you figured it out yet?