The St. Louis Cardinals won the World Series. More importantly, I found out that Jim Thome autographs the Halloween candy he hands out.
That’s a Jim Thome signed Kit Kat, shared with Dugout co-founder Jon Bois by @bretwallin, and it’s right behind “that time he dressed as Paul Bunyan” on the list of things Jim Thome has done in real life to pull him closest to our fictional depiction of him here. The only way it could get better is if he accidentally kills something by petting it too hard.
Halloween was two days ago, sure, but this is the reason it should happen every day. Today’s Dugout follows.
The Dugout
** Online Host ** | ||
 | Child: trigger treat /holds out bag | |
 | pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: whore you spost to be | |
| Child: spinerman | |
 | SoccerMom: Trick’r treat! Isn’t m’lil’ nugget the CUTEST Spiderman ever?? | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: firse of all its "spider-man" with a hypen its not his surname his name ain’t bill spidermun or harv spidermun he doesnt work at the f**ken front orifice of marvel comix | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: seconly of all what gen spider-man are you spost to be, does he have a costume where you can see his eyes an the lower have of his f**ken face | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: because if he does an peter parker or miguel santos or whatever the new ones name is wears a hat his pedestrious ass is gonna get pick’d off by the doctor octopus | |
| SoccerMom: He’s "your friendly Spiderman"! From the movies! | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: ugh | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: aight look full disclosure imma mad fitness robot so all i got in my candy bowel is l-glutamine cut into the shape of smarties an pea protein portion’t into plastic baggies would you like either both or none | |
| SoccerMom: c’mon, m’lil’ man, let’s try another house | |
| Child: /holds out bag /has no idea what’s going on | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: wull wait, stone might have a strawbry candy wrapped to look like a f**ken strawbry given to him by his nee-naw b’cause she’s 70, do you want that | |
| SoccerMom: let’s go, sweetheart, maybe we can find "the Joker" at the next house! | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: jesus christ how are you in charge of a child’s life | |
| **Online Host** Several houses later… | ||
| SoccerMom: So what’d you think of the Young brothers’ house? Wasn’t it SUPER scary? And so full of candy! Too bad they didn’t give you any | |
| Child: enghhh /drags bag filled with 130 million dollars worth of Bit-o-Honey given to him by the Washington Nationals house | |
| SoccerMom: I think we can try this house, the jack-o-lantern just has "HELLO" written across the front in sharpie but whatever | |
| Child: trigger treat /holds up bag to closed door | |
 | WordUpThome: HEY GUYS TRICK OR TREAT | |
| Child: trigger treat | |
| WordUpThome: TRICK OR ELSE TR | |
| WordUpThome: TREAT TRICK OR ELSE TREAT | |
| Child: trigger treat | |
| WordUpThome: DO YOU WANT A TRICK OR WOULD YOU LIKE A TREAT PLEASE CHOOSE | |
| SoccerMom: /nudges child forward | |
| WordUpThome: SO WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSING TO BE, MAMA’S LITTLE SWEET NUGGET MONKEY-MAN | |
| Child: spinerman from spinermaaan an um an he fice um he fice bad guys aaan um | |
| WordUpThome: UH HUH | |
| Child: an um /looks away, has completely lost train of thought an one time um he was in a building an he was um he was swingen an he saw silvermane an he was spinerman was | |
| WordUpThome: YES PLEASE GO ON | |
| SoccerMom: Maybe you should ask the nice man for some candy, honey | |
| WordUpThome: OKAY WELL WHAT HAPPENED TO SILVER MANE | |
| Child: spinerman he took a um, he took a crystal an he smashed it, an ummm an silvermane went to jail because um, because spinerman won | |
| WordUpThome: AND WHAT IS SILVER MANE, IS THAT WHAT KEITH HERNANDEZ WAS YELLING TO ME ABOUT FROM THE STREET | |
| Child: /can’t think of anything to say because nobody’s ever talked to him for this long | |
| SoccerMom: (do you have any candy) | |
| WordUpThome: HEAVENS TO MURDERTROID DO I HAVE CANDY DOES JI | |
| WordUpThome: M JIM THOME HAVE CANDY POP A NEIGHBORHOOD TYPE JUST INQUIRED AS TO WHETHER OR NOT THE THOME HOUSEHOME HAS CANDY CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT | |
 | WhatsUpChuck: KEEP IT DOWN I’M WATCHIN MY GARFIELD STORIES | |
| WordUpThome: DO WE HAVE ANY CANDIES MA’AM DOES A DEER’S HEAD LOOK GOOD WHEN YOU’VE SEVERED IT AND ARE HOLDING IT AMIDST YOUR MASSIVE SHREK HANDS | |
| SoccerMom: i don’t know what you’re asking me | |
| WordUpThome: WELL SHOOT FOR A SPIDERED MAN I HAVE THE GREATEST HALLOWEDWEEN CANDY EVER FORGED: | |
| WordUpThome: /reaches under cap, produces one Melster Peanut Butter Kiss loosely wrapped in orange wax paper | |
| WordUpThome: SO TO WHO OR WHOM SHOULD I MAKE THIS OUT | |
| Child: /holds out bag | |
| WordUpThome: /reaches under hat, produces orange sharpie | |
| WordUpThome: /writing, reading aloud "TO SPIDERED-MAN, ONE OF THE BIGGER OF MY FANS | |
| SoccerMom: /pulls son out of doorway | |
| WordUpThome: /still writing "I LIKED YOUR MAJOR MOTION PICTURES, NUMBER 2 ESPECIALLY. MAJOR MOTION PICTURE 3 DID NOT DO A LOT FOR ME YOUR JAZZ DANCING CAUSED A GREAT DISCONNECT | |
| WordUpThome: "HOWEVER, HALLOWEEN IS A TIME TO CELEBRATE GHOULS AND TO A LESSER EXTENT GHOULIES. IN CONCLUSION, HAPPY HALLOWEEN | |
| WordUpThome: "WARMEST FEASIBLE REGARDS FROM YOUR FRIEND AND NEIGH-BOR, JI | |
| WordUpThome: "JIM THOME" | |
| WordUpThome: THERE YOU GO ALL I COULD FIT ON THE FRONT WAS THE LETTER T BUT HOPEFULLY YOU CAN REMEMBER IT ALL SPIDERED-MAN | |
| WordUpThome: SPIDER-STYLE MAN WHERE DID YOU GO DON’T YOU WANT THIS SEMI-DELICIOUS HOLIDAY TREAT | |
| WordUpThome: WELL DARN ALL OF IT /lifts cap to replace candy | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hole on a tic ol man put that sh*t in my mouths | |
| WordUpThome: OKAY DO YOU WANT ME TO SIGN IT FIRST | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: only if your def an signen "have at sh*t in ya mouth an eat it up kyle farnsworth" with your f**ken donkey from shrek hands | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /throws candy into air /misses mouth by like a foot | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /eats candy off floor | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /remains motionless for several seconds that wont a carmel cream was it | |
| WordUpThome: OH NO IT WASN’T I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: the lil brown circles with like a entire sugar cube in the guts it wasn’t that was it | |
| WordUpThome: NO SORRY | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what was it jim thome | |
| WordUpThome: I DON’T KNOW I GOT IT FROM MY NEE-NAW WHEN I WAS BUT FIVE | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: … | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i dreamt it would end this way |
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com
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i have been left comatose from how perfect this is.
that or from whatever foodstuffs my nee-naw gave me.
Jim Thome should always take priority over the Cardinals. Thank you.
Dear God, it’s beautiful. Excellent work, you maniac.
I chortled at the image of the pumpkin with “HELLO” written in Sharpie. No shit. I chortled.
Farnsy + Thome = comedy gold. Glad you worked the Young brothers in there, too (although they deserve a Halloween Dugout all their own no matter how long past Halloween it is).
The only way you could have made this better is if you had shoehorned Lady Cop somewhere in there.
I live in the Cleveland suburb Thome lived in during his first stint in Cleveland. He was quite the character. I remember driving through this side street that splits his sub-division in half at like 2 am with a bunch of friends. Well he is driving his golf cart around in the pitch dark down the middle of the road. We come around a corner when we first see him and he doesn’t even try to get out of the way. So we stop and roll down the window and start yelling at him. He starts cussing us out and threatening to whoop our ass. It was then we realized it was Thome and just drove off laughing our asses off. He was going through a tough slump at the time, so when we told our friends dad the next day he said “You should’ve handed him a baseball bat, no way he was going to hit you then”.
Good times.
Heavens to Murdertroid, it’s a Halloween miracle.
If the Kit Kat were signed by Peter King, then I would have been impressed. No way that guy can have one in his hands and not scarf it down
As a foreigner I literally only know anything about these people through their Dugout characters, but this was amazing. From “trigger treat” onwards the whole thing was absolutely hilarious.
KEEP IT DOWN I’M WATCHIN MY GARFIELD STORIES.
Just….wow.
My email signature is now “WARMEST FEASIBLE REGARDS” Two points, sir.
Brilliant work.
Beauty.
I’m looking forward towards more holiday themed Dugouts. Great work B.
Is Spinerman’s mom single?
not once Keith Hernandez gets ahold of her on the way back to her car
MAJOR MOTION PICTURE 3 DID NOT DO A LOT FOR ME
I VERY MUCH ENJOYED THIS DUGGED OUT
sh*t, i don’t want farnsy to die, i need to borrow his emasculatin goggles for my costume next year
Remember when it was said that there were actually MORE Dugouts during the offseason? Me neither.