Best: Jack Swagger, Graduate Of The Matt Morgan School Of Character Development
Jack Swagger’s right eye twitches now, because he lost to a Muppet. It started twitching when he put Santino Marella in the ankle lock, which I guess gave it EXTRA POWER as Santino tapped instantly and kept tapping even when he was on his back and it should’ve stopped hurting. I don’t know if Swagger or Swagger’s wranglers came up with the tic, but it’s easily the best idiosyncrasy-passing-for-character-development since Matt Morgan’s stutter, or at least since that time the Hardyz and Lita did Respek Knuckles.
It was good to see somebody finally just snap and beat the dogsh*t out of Santino, and not just run mindlessly into his hip-toss. There’s something extremely unnerving about natural hair-growth Santino in a blue singlet with a white t-shirt over it that is supposed to look like a gi AND a full-arm snake hand puppet all at once. It’s just too busy, I don’t know. It’s like looking at a Magic Eye. Yeah, I see the schooner and that’s fine, but after a minute I’ve just got to look at something else.
WORST: Did You Just Make A Penn State Joke
Jerry “The King” Lawler, 61-year old pro wrestler and guy who gets paid to talk for a living, thought it would be funny to say it was a good thing that Jack Swagger didn’t go to Penn State, because they were going to end up in the State Pen. To quote Jerusalem, the guy who makes most of the gifs I use in these reports at the Punchsport Pagoda:
If you haven’t followed the news, the Penn State scandal is in regards to a Coach who ran a special charity Gym Project, and raped or sexually molested at least eight young boys – with claims that at least a few of the Higher Ups at the University were aware of this and did nothing about it for at least a decade.
Not bringing Lawler’s own shady-ass past into it, Jesus Christ, guys, what kind of show are you trying to run tonight? Get. A. F**king. Grip.
Best: The Prestigious Maxim Magazine Cover Reveal
Okay, remember how terrible the segments were whenever Candice Michelle or Ashley Massaro or whoever had to reveal their Playboy covers, and it always ended in someone jealous coming out and trying to start a fight, and sometimes ended with Ashley taking off her shirt and revealing that weird muscle-cage and bocce balls thing that was going on with her torso for a while? Yeah. Imagine those segments, but PG’d out the ass so you’re never guaranteed a look at the protagonist’s nipples. That was last night’s Kelly Kelly segment, featuring a two minute OMG YOU GUYS I’VE GROWN UP SO MUCH IT’S BEEN A LIFELONG DREAM I’M SO HONORED TO BE ON THE COVER OF MAXIM alongside such luminaries and important women of our time like Noxema’s Rebecca Gayheart, Paris Hilton’s sister and “The Drop Undead Girls Of Van Helsing“.
For a quick reminder, this is K2′s Maxim cover:
And this is a shot of her normal wrestling gear.
So… what exactly are we getting excited about, again? Besides finding out how to be a Sex Santa, I mean.
Worst: An Additional Reminder
The official end of any hopes we had for the “Divas of Doom” story was Jerry Lawler’s flippant “it’s just about jealousy, it always is” comment at the end of the segment. We assumed that’s what was happening when they did their “you say we’re jealous, but we’re NOT” picture-in-picture a few months ago, but now the cards are just lying around on the table. We’re also left to assume that this is where the Kharma angle was going. “Kelly, you don’t really wrestle well but you’re pretty and people like you, and that makes me mad because I want to be pretty and have people like me. :(”
Come to think of it, that’s kinda how the CM Punk/Triple H angle ended, too. And speaking of that!
Best: Coming Up Next, The Long Awaited POOPIES Of Kevin Nash >=(
IT GIVES NEW MEANING TO THE PHRASE “AFTER THE BREAK”
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I don’t care if Vince never shows up on Raw again and retires to a deserted island tomorrow, once Brandon types in ALL CAPS and adds DAMMIT to the end, it will always be in Vince voice in my head.
I knew all it would take to finally get Brandon to tell Cole to go f*ck himself is for Cole to talk shit about the Indians.
@LastTexansFan – I think that’s all it takes. You can do it with anything. Simple statements, like I HAVE TO GO TO USE THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM DAMMIT
WE’RE OUT OF PEANUT BUTTER DAMMIT.
I think Punk namedropped Destiny something like 8 times this episode. Also, is that your homegrown banner photoshop?
Chickbusters No. 1 Of…..!
@Panther – Burnsy put it together at my request, so technically, yes. WE WORKED ON THE PHOTOSHOP TOGETHER DAMMIT
getting ready for page three, one shot in, every time I saw that Nash graphic I’d yell KEV’S GOTTA POOP
I really want to make a Rapey Jerry Lawler/Sandusky joke here, but everytime I start to type I feel dirty and foam at the mouth like Bart when he reached for the cupcakes.
My friends and I are gonna have weekly Raw viewings, thanks to this recap, and I’ma tweet during the show ([twitter.com], for those interested). Our joke of the night last night was whenever Kevin Nash came onscreen, we’d say, “BECAUSE NO ONE DEMANDED IT!,” in the same spirit as when The Impossible Man would (literally) pop up in a Silver Surfer comic.
“If Cena’s building to a big tag match at the pay-per-view against guys he wants to get his hands on, why does he keep easily getting his hands on them every week, including more than once in tag matches?”
Because SD vs Raw ’07 GM mode is calling the shots and everyone knows to create a rivalry is to have two fighters fight each other every week and on PPV’s?
“Now he weighs 160 pounds and shoots guys with 2004 rap hits in direct-to-DVD action movies with titles like “A RIGHT TO’VE KILLED”
I can’t tell if you’re serious. I could totally see that happening
I want to see David Otunga slowly turn into Brother Mouzone from The Wire. And if that means Mark Henry has to become Prop Joe, I’m down.
Are you doing guests on your podcast? To start on the right tone you should do everything possible to start with the best commentator and best women’s heel in the world right now, Portia Perez.
Or just talk about how awesome SHIMMER is would be fine. Nicole Matthews and Cheerleader Melissa, best feud of 2012, you read it here first.
WWE IS DYING A SLOW DEATH DAMMIT.
@phill – Hopefully I’ll be having guests, yes. But oh man, there’s no way I could talk to Porita Perez without just going EEEEEEEEEE at her for thirty minutes, I need to get some other, non-Porita guests under my belt before attempting that.
I lauged for about ten minutes at the bleacher report dig. Experients… nailed it Brandon.
ok i just got to the “things i’m gonna do during WM weekend” list and suddenyl I feel as though my “Best/Worst Indie Namedrop Drinking Game” game was a terrible f-ing idea.
Can’t wait for Kevin Nash to return next.
I’m suddenly so very glad I had to work last night…
While we’re at it – Mason Ryan with the full nelson slam as his finisher now? Good lord, that move is the kiss of death. Might as well call his finisher “We’ve Run Out of Ideas”.
Nash: TWIPPLE H, I HAZ TO MAEK POOPIEZ!
HHH: NO KEVAN, YOU R MI FREND. YOU NO MAEK POOPIEZ IN MAH RING!!
Nash: NO TWIPS. CANT WAET. MUST MAEK TEH POOPIEZ!
HHH: DAMM YOU KEVAN! NOW WE MUST HAEV TEH MATCH TO SETLE DESPUTE ABOOT TEH POOPIEZ!!
Haven’t even read this or comments yet. But I am hoping there is a lengthy paragraph or two about how Michael Cole is never allowed to mention the Cleveland Indians again. As a fellow tribe fan, I was irate and turned to netflix streaming of Quantum Leap.
I thought of this column when I saw the gentleman with the bright yellow “Anonymous Raw General Manager Storyline?” sign. Really enjoying these and will definitely check out the podcast.
Actually… It wasn’t entirely clear but CM Punk called HIMSELF Greasy… In the context it was “I’m greasy and weasly and slimy so I know how YOU work because you are greasy and weasly and slimy just like me”.
I think that most of the fans AND Del Rio heard that wrong and it totally messed up the flow of what Punk was saying. He very clearly said, though, that HE was greasy and that therefore he identified with Del Rio for being weasily and wormy as well.
In the interest of leaving a comment … how is Jack Swagger’s finisher not called “the Swagger-Jacker”? Somebody get on that
Best: WWE.Com, For All Your Bleacher Report Article Needs
I hope that when you go to WWE.com and click on the article it’s a 16-part slideshow that reloads the entire page when you click next and each slide is just “GREAT MOVES”, “POPULARITY” and “EXPERIENTS”. And when you click all the way through, the 17th slide takes you to the 100 Sexiest Photoes of Eve Torres.
This was funny on so many levels and it finally surpassed the Alex Riley is a summon from FF7.
Nice work and I can’t wait for the podcast!
Other notes:
Zack Ryder has become kid-friendly. *sigh* Give the Belle twins something more to do.
Vicky Guerrero looked fantastic in her attire last night. Good for her.
F*ck CM Punk. That is all.
@WilliamBatts – It’s totally in there.
@Dave Emerson – Most of that is actually my plan for Wrestlemania :(
It seems to be a double edged sword. My understanding is that there was actually quite a bit of wrestling last night, meaning actual in ring competition. This is something you rightfully champion as a way to make the show better. However it happens and a grand majority of it is boring. A huge problem is that it seems quite a great deal of members of the roster are simply not very good. It makes it hard to hope for a turnaround when this is the case.
Great job as always.
The caps lock DAMMIT thing works with every phrase except for IT’S STILL REAL TO ME.
And Teddy Long totally looks like Wilbon and Kornheiser had a kid. That is so weird.
Jerusalem is the guy who beat me one year in “SA Wrestlehut Poster of the Year” poll so F YOU Jersualem. Just kidding man, Mob loves you.
Thank you for posting this. The continued existence of it and SPOILERS before taped Raws have ensured that the only one that truly had to suffer watching it was you, DAMMIT.
The real wwe.xanga.com is quite funny.
@Patrick – Holy crap, it is. What the hell is going on with the top half?
You need to work out a way to B&W Smackdown, cos SD’s worst is better than Raw’s best right now and im curious about the contrast. And you will double your wrestling related traffic per week, which cant be a bad thing.
Alright first edition of the drinking game went 5 shots, but I didn’t count any references to ROH or PGW. I sort of just made the rules up as I went along. I fucking hate it when entrance themes start with the talent talking. They even ruined Flair by making him go WHOOOOOOOO before the first not of Thus Spake Zarathrusta or whatever that shit is maybe I shouldn’t play this game with Jager I am not 20 anymore.
Pantie shopping with Shaq is not something that should be discussed in public, never mind in a magazine. If he wants to wear panties, it’s none of my business.
My favorite people in the banner were AJ, AJ, AJ, AJ, & AJ.
Is it too much to hope that Rick Martel could come out of retirement and manage Ziggler?
In my head, that is the best possible solution to all of these problems.
CM Punk attacks a guy with a coffee cup in hand, and says, “Regular or unleaded?” He should asked him if he wanted a refill, and then called his fists, “Regular or decaf.”
i miss michelle mccool more than maryse. a +1 for the comment “swagger jacker”. and poor, poor, drew mac
Thanks again for the write up. Good as always.
The Jerry Lawler Penn St thing was the worst worst I can remember. He actually used a line from a Notorious BIG song to make a joke about a child rapist. HILARIOUS. WORST WORST DAMNIT (I like this new written meme)
Also, in an article full of all sorts of clever references and jokes, why is my favorite joke one about poop?
As always, great stuff here. I said to my wife last night, the first time the Kevin Nash “poopie face” was shown, “Now, there’s a guy who could use a good stool softener and some prune juice”.
Now that Bourne is out I see absolutely no reason the Chickbusters aren’t tag champs.
And thanks for the seriously much needed callout on the creeping racism, that’s some baller stuff.
WWE’s Problem: People are tuning out as the show goes on. We need to figure out a way to keep the viewers around.
WWE’s Solution: KEVIN NASH RETURNS TONIGHT graphics! That’s it! No one will change the channel if they know Big Kev will be on soon!
Man, is it just me or does poor Zack Ryder look like he’s going bald?
And addressing Brandon’s post report notes….aren’t those the cats at UGO who totally ripped off the Best and Worst brand name?
I think yesterday’s match taught Miz & Truth a lesson: Don’t beat up Zach Ryder before a tag match, like you did 2 weeks ago, because you have a better chance of victory with them than just fighting Cena by himself.
Being worse than nobody is probably not the push Zach was looking for.
Damn, this episode of RAW sucked so bad, I’m just going to post Koko B. Ware’s theme song for no reason whatsoever:
[www.youtube.com]
PeoplesChampIAN
CM Punk attacks a guy with a coffee cup in hand, and says, “Regular or unleaded?” He should asked him if he wanted a refill, and then called his fists, “Regular or decaf.”
Regular or unleaded was a reference to the coffee. He also hit him with unleaded showing the straight edge X on his hand because most straight edgers avoid caffeine. Of course that falls down if you know he doesnt avoid caffeine, but yeah, regular or decaf is just the same joke but said more literally.
Kevin Nash is only at his best when he has a smaller more charismatic guy doing all the talking for him. That way he can stand behind him with his arms folded making the “poopie face”
“I’m going to get excited when you SAY something excitnig” <<<Well who's the racist now Stroud?!
Also, this column needs more regular poop jokes, because poop is funny. (Get it, "regular" haHA! (I'm just gonna leave now))
Poop.
It’s not a schooner, it’s a sailboat.
@Panther Joe – They are. They’re nice folks, though, and gave it a different name. So we’re gonna try to help each other out instead of getting MAD ON THE INTERNET~
@Josh Koebert – Mhoops! Fixed.
@BRuth – A schooner is a sailboat, stupid head.
Does Punk calls his penis diesel? It just makes sense, right?
/John Cena is wondering “ahaha i just lost and dont give a fuck. You mad bro?”
I try not to be a wrestling hipster, but what the hell happened to Zack Ryder? He used to be so cool, but now his hair is the same color as Hulk Hogan’s skin and I don’t like seeing him anymore. It’s like a Tales from the Crypt episode about selling your soul to the devil or something.
While we’re here, Best and Worst of High Noon plz. #wrestlinghipster
It’s pro wrestling. It’s supposed to be racist and sexist. When Tiger Woods says that it’s gone too far, WWE is almost there.
R-Truth humping Kelly Kelly’s leg and John Cena stopping him by tossing him a basketball is when I set my DVR.
@Vince (MPD) – Best and Worst of High Noon will absolutely, absolutely happen, whether anyone reads it or not.
Not only did I get no for an answer, I GOT NO RESPONSE AT ALL.
“oh man, that sucked, how funny is it that those guys beat me, heh”
Oh god thats exactly how he reacted as well
I CAN’T LIFT MY UPPER BODY WITHOUT MY LEGS DAMMIT.
Excellent review, Brandon!
I really like Punk as a heel (he’s really natural at it) but I’d rather he was making fun of Jeff Hardy’s drug problems or making Rey Mysterio’s daughter cry instead of being racist.
Not to sound like “internet asshole who hates wrestling but still watches it” or anything, but he’s turning into Cena in some really awful ways. The most awful one is that he’s nominally the good guy (or at least more popular than anyone he will feud with) but yet he acts like a total asshole and is really just starting to pick on the wrong people. Maybe when you’re a heel you can pick on faces more effectively because faces are usually seen as being stronger?
I don’t know, I’ve long felt that Cena was a heel: he’s a total bully and brutalizes Ricardo, points out that ADR isn’t rich in real life (it’d be like if he pointed out that Undertaker wasn’t actually dead or from hell or something), 5 Knuckle Shuffled Rey Mysterio after Rey Mysterio already had one match to win the WWE Championship and then wrestled again to defend it IN THE SAME NIGHT, his whole moveset is that of an asshole (seriously, who 5 Knuckle Shuffles Rey Mysterio? That’s just a dick move.), and is otherwise a total bully.
Don’t get me wrong, he’s not the only babyface that is also a bully / fascist. Randy Orton does it, too. I just assumed Randy Orton was a babyface because he had ridiculous abs that the ladies like and was never supposed to be a role model.
I’ve been writing a lot already so I’m going to hurry up and close with a few quick thoughts:
I think the WWE is so interested in getting a reaction of any sort that they sometimes don’t understand the reaction. Vikki Guerrero gets boos because people hate her but it’s a reaction the WWE wants. John Lauranitis and Kevin Nash get boos because they’re boring and people do not want to see them there. They don’t care about these people and don’t really hate them or anything, the audience is just bored.
Man, I’m just going to go back to watching Smackdown. It’s been good or at least reliable in its quality. Raw is all over the place. Last night’s episode was awful but the Muppet episode was great when it had every right to suck.
Oh and am I the only one who can’t respect Brodus Clay because of his floppy man-tits? Same thing happened to Mabel. Yokozuna was fat and dominate and scared the shit out of me. My brother and I couldn’t stop laughing at Mabel’s big floppy titties.
Sorry man, had to post this: “G.I. is a noun used to describe members of the United States armed forces or items of their equipment. The term is now used as an initialism of “Government Issue” (or often incorrectly “General Infantry”), but originally referred to galvanized iron.”
YOU MISUNDERSTAND AN ACRONYM, DAMMIT!
I enjoy this weekly feature.
“Stuff like this is bad and why I don’t do a Best and Worst of Impact.”
So you’re saying there’s a chance?
B/W IMPACT would be phenomenal. I’ll settle for B/W Smackdown tho.
i haven’t read any of the other comments because i’m a douchebag, so if someone already brought this up i don’t really care.
how did you not give r-truth no selling the 5 knuckle shuffle a worst? he took the move, gets thrown out of the ring, and stands straight up like he just fell off the apron. isn’t the 5 knuckle shuffle supposed to be one of cena’s impact moves? isn’t getting thrown through the ropes supposed to be the same as getting shout out of a cannon? ok, so maybe he took the shuffle from zach ryder and also got thrown out of the ring by him, but then r truth drags him out of the ring and throws him on the ground and now suddenly getting thrown from the ring is a paralyzer? WORST.
Why hasn’t everyone freaked out over the reference to the With Spandex podcast coming soon?! Awesome.
I feel like I need to see the show before I can comment on a lot of stuff, but three things here made me lose it…
1. Calling Punk a ‘contentious, pantsless jerk’ is hilarious to me for some reason.
2. Kevin Nash has been wearing wolf t-shirts and fanny packs for the last 20 years of his life.
3. And especially…”I think they should’ve saved the big handshake for Cena/Rock, because The Rock comes a lot closer to being Savage … he hates women, wears sunglasses at all times, and if you remember his tweaked-out pacing interview from Wrestlemania 20 you’re aware he’s on enough drugs to start thinking of himself as a solar system.” That is incredible.
(wait, I just remembered I’M GONNA LICK YOUR STAMPZ. Four things.)
@Sam Losco – I didn’t! It was in reference to this Dugout: [withleather.uproxx.com]
1) i couldnt stop laughing last night at Laurinitis’ “dont make me take off my jacket” line.
2) Best Podcast name ever?
3) i actually thought the school girl outfit worked for Vicki. Between this and the dress she wore while in Mexico, i think she should do more dress up.
I imagine Vince being distraught over Punk being put through the snack bar, going I WANTED SOME POPCORN DAMNIT
@Brandon: Haha will didn’t you just misunderstand it when you wrote the Dugout? Although, you could’ve been channeling the supernatural essence of Thome while writing it…
I MIGHT’VE MADE A MISTAKE, DAMMIT!
1. You’ve said it before, but Nash’s upper lip really weirds me out. The amount of lip between his facial hair and bulbous cauliflower nose is nearly as large as my (proportional) entire lower face.
2. Wrong, the absolute worst voiceover before theme music was “I spit in the face, of people, who don’t want to be cool.” It’s a small paragraph and it doesn’t even make sense. My grandparents didn’t want to be cool, they were grandparents, and if you spit apple chunks into my Nana’s face I will hit your afro’d ass with a truck.
3. motherf***a think you can start a philosophical pro wrestling discussion without me
Put Clay in a ridiculous Enlightenment powdered wig, have him speak in a Scottish accent, and make his finisher a series of vicious trapping headbutts called “Constant Conjunction”.
Ugh… The comments no-sell what I say :\
Kinda says a lot that after two pages a funny poop face and a handshake are the only Bests compared to horrible racism is the Worst.
Hey for next week can we all just play batman and talk about it? I just got it, I know a little late, and hell talking about a video game we’ve both played seems better than watching a three hour pre-ppv show which will be 2.5 hours of if you smell candy asses and I hate john cena but might as well fight with ya because candy ass this fruity pebbles. Seriously I want Batman.
I didn’t watch the show, but I read WWE and watched most of the clips posted along with everything you wrote Brandon and here are my thoughts:
1. WWE needs to play up the Hulk Hogan/Macho Man aspect with Cena and Ryder. Cena gains credibility and Ryder could become someone who is actually taken seriously. If they push for that then tag teams would be the shit of the entire WWE. Awesome Truth, Space Jam/ Air Boom, American Swagger or hell, come up with a few new ones like Mysterio and Sin Cara or something. Then they can reeeeeaaallly make tag team matches something special. (Also could you imagine Mark Henry and Brodus Clay teamed up together?)
2. I actually really liked Punk and Del Rio’s interaction. Del Rio, to me, is Lucha John Cena. Not in the actual move sense, but more in the sense that he’s an easy target. People don’t like him because he’s GOOD. I think Punk just needs to be let of the reigns a little more. You can tell WWE writers are forcing the issue with what he did. They just need to let him fly with is and go crazy.
3. What happened to the whole Beth Phoenix wants legitimate female wrestling? Why can’t that exist?
4. Another question, when did Randy Orton become a good guy? I liked it when him and Henry were going at it because there was no clear cut good guy. Henry had his points and Orton is just batshit. That’s an awesome story-telling device. Why not use it? Screw right and wrong, use the gray area.
5. When did the Miz start being good at his job? Because the opening with him was fantastic. Miz is now in the role Punk was at. He wants more, and has legit claims to it. Awesome Truth should be more of a group than just a tag team. Miz should be leading this.
6. Hold the phone . . . John Laurinaitis is doing a half decent job?
7. I really wish they would make Cena a hell already. Let ADR take the babyface road. Hell, have Ricardo betray him! That would be awesome. Have Cena just not give a shit anymore because he can do what he wants. He can storm into matches and just be like Mark Henry. Then ADR becomes a sort of anti-hero and (this is a stretch) a Wolverine type character. He has to hunt Cena down and beat him. Something like that . . .
Anyway loved the review and keep it up! I always end up missing the actual show but I keep up with everything through this and WWE.com. Thanks so much!
Also, suck mladeč
@Phil – I’m glad SOMEBODY liked that joke.
The general tone of the article wasn’t negative. It was Brandon Is Pissed. And that made it even more funny because you seem like such a nice, thoughtful, balanced person. So, when your threatening Cole’s life with piano wire its all the more hilarious.
Can’t wait for the podcast.
Smackdown has been good lately. I loved the end of last week’s with Big Show trying to help out D-Bry cash in his MITB case on a WMD’d Blactus.
JOHN CENA GAY, DAMMIT! (did i just cross B&WoR meme streams?!?)
This recap was almost as boring as the whole episode of Raw last night. I’m just kidding. I wish I only read this instead of sitting through it last night.
Instead of 3-hour Raw, how about you Best/Worst episode 300 of NWA: Mountain State?
Introductory primer of the participants: [www.youtube.com]
Bulldozer Crushes All! [www.youtube.com]
last night was one of the worst Raws I’ve seen in awhile
I now respect you even more for referencing Respek Knuckles. You could be my friend in real life. Hagadorn’s too.
Speaking of CHIKARA’s High Noon, according to Maffew “Chikara recently got Stan “You Got The Touch” Bush to do their theme song for the High Noon IPPV. Make sure to support them so we can keep on getting awesome intros and music.”
So yeah, Best and Worst of High Noon MUST happen.
The only good thing from last nights show was ADR putting Punk through that table with the popcorn and the cups and the punch and the pizza rolls.
My FAVE FIVE of that banner picture:
1. AJ
2. AJ
3. Kaitlyn
4. AJ
5. Paul McCartney’s Moustache
Love your Best/Worst Columns. Read them every week. My pal John got me to read them a few months ago, and I find them entertaining. Also read the John report’s stuff. Glad you two are gonna enjoy WM 28. I wish I could go, but being almost outta college, I’m broke. haha. Anyway, love how you appreciate Derrick Bateman and Brodus Clay as much as I do. I think Clay should’ve won NXT season 4, but then again, it’s not like it matters, since he’s been on more episodes of Raw and Smackdown than Johnny Curtis who won, and he was at WM 27 in Del Rio’s corner.
Stevie’s and HH’s ‘speaking before theme hits’ definitely were terrible, but what was the best? I have a special place in my heart for Reverend D-Von’s ‘Oh testify!’ before his awesome bluesy gospel entrance. Pure gold.
I love to love ‘em
I love to kick ‘em
I love to shove ‘em
I love to stick ‘em
I love to flaunt ‘em
I love to watch ‘em
I love to pick ‘em
and I’m gonna kick ‘em
Cause I’m an Ass Man
Yeah, I’m an Ass man
Yes I’m an Ass man (OOOOH!)
I’m an Ass Man
I’d read a Best and Worst of Batman: Arkham City 11/14 column.
I like that you’re making noise about the casual racism exhibited by the babyfaces on this show. I think if you watch wrestling for too long you just kind of become numb to it, but it’s genuinely terrible when WWE panders to children as much as they do.
I can totally picture Mason Ryan having horrifically bad matches with Rob Terry in TNA about a year from now.
You gotta admit though, Otunga’s argyle sweater is pretty fucking fabulous. I need to know if he’s wearing matching argyle socks, because that would be awesome.
So glad I chose Bears/Eagles over this BS. Thanks for the great recap as always. HE’S GONNA PUKE!
Not to get all marketing professional on your ass, but in fact, Google + only launched the functionality for brands like WWE to build Google+ pages on Monday, so actually, WWE was cutting edge on that one.
I liked the Nash promo—you’re right, it’s silly that he should be talking about how Triple H looked when he walked into the building 20 years ago, BUT:
1) Nash looked like a big, angry, frightening bully. He’s an intimidating man, and unlike Big Show, he’s not going to pull any aw-shucks I’m just a big paloooka golly gee stuff. He’s a giant asshole (tie’s in with your “poopies” stuff) and he knows it and he’s mean. He WOULD make fun of Triple H’s clothes.
2) I actually think it works well within the definition of the feud for Triple H to be taken down a couple of pegs. Nowadays, as you’ve well documented, Triple H goes out of his way to be the coolest, toughest, machoest guy in the room. Maybe that insecurity stems from years of having to wear slacks and walk behind Killer Kowalski, and I enjoyed Kevin Nash harkening back to a time when Triple H was Zack Ryder.
You know, the ‘yassir masser’ Cena thing was just icing on the cake. Be A Star, don’t bully people…unless they’re foreign, puppets or fat. Kudos, WWE…kudos. Excellent recap.
Brandon, I realize you’re going for the hipster vibe, living in Austin and always talking about how great the indie feds are and loving Zack Ryder before he got popular, but FUCK man – Google+ didn’t allow pages (meaning accounts for places or businesses) until over the weekend, so WWE actually got on board pretty quickly. Surprisingly quickly, even.
Ever since Zack Ryder’s internet show became so popular I thought he should get different music, like some kind of techno theme you fistpump to.
I tapped out on this one before Cena/Awesome Truth. I cringed at the “greasy” bit, and liked ADR’s reaction fact to being called 1 dimensional (it was very “There is more than 1 dimension?”).
My highlight of the show was the Ziggler/Morrison match. Morrison was blah, but Ziggler continues to just do everything at 11, and even down to his disbelief/disappointment reaction, I buy the guy as a legitimate professional fighter in a Super Hero world.
I also enjoyed Swagger murdering Santino because he realized “Damnit, I should be able to beat everyone.”
I hope that Agents of Change murder the shit out of a fractitious group of a faces. I’d love to see little segments where we see Barrett coaching Swagger in the back, with a real Legion of Doom vibe from them.
Of course, it will never happen.
Next week’s show is from my current place of residence, so, maybe i’ll go to the Chinese Buffet where Randy Orton scuffled with a local teen 2 years ago and see if I can spot some Superstars…
@Carson and Buzz – The real point of that is that nobody cares about Google+, not necessarily that Google+ didn’t allow corporate pages until now.
“Actually… It wasn’t entirely clear but CM Punk called HIMSELF Greasy… In the context it was “I’m greasy and weasly and slimy so I know how YOU work because you are greasy and weasly and slimy just like me”.
I think that most of the fans AND Del Rio heard that wrong and it totally messed up the flow of what Punk was saying. He very clearly said, though, that HE was greasy and that therefore he identified with Del Rio for being weasily and wormy as well.”
Yeah that’s how I heard it as well. It made the “because it works” comment at the end make sense as well. Punk was likening himself and his tactics to Del Rio.
The last and totally best entry for your WM list would and should be:
11. Portia Perez shows up, clocks Undertaker in the face with her wrench, and ends his streak.
I would approve.
@Brandon – still better than Facebook, man. I don’t see fifteen hundred “copy and paste this if you agree” statuses per week, and the average intelligence seems to be higher, based on the content that is shared.
X-Factor has been on television for a solid three months now, and I’ve yet to see one photo-shopped picture of X-Pac, Justin Credible and Giant Bernard behind the judges desk. What’s the story, internet?
Thank you for unrelated but important AJ pic. I’m not really sold on Kaitlyn, but then, I’m not really sure what she does; I don’t think I’ve ever seen her get in the ring.
“Don’t make me take off my jacket!” was the best part of the show. I’m not happy about that, but I did laugh my ass off when he said it.
The Bella Twins have been downgraded from Mean Girls to Zack Ryder Fan Club? Mmm, OK. They probably see it as a step up.
My unfounded prediction for the Survivor Series tag match is that Miz and R-Truth will win by beating Cena somehow, because the Rock is never going to be pinned or made to submit again. That, or Cena and the Rock will come to blows and get DQ’ed or counted out. Either way, Miz and R-Truth are going to win.
“Suck Mladec” and “HE DOES” – two excellent lines from entirely different universes in the same article. Excellent job, Brandon. Also, top marks on handling the more serious issues.
At this point, I think of WWE’s product mostly as material for Your good work. Keep doing it. Unlike Nash.
They really missed an opportunity for comedy gold. When Del Rio jumped in after Punk punched Otunga I kept waiting for Otunga to scramble around the floor going “My mug, my mug!”
@Ally Goodman THANK YOU! I thought I was going crazy!
Best: This column.
Worst: This column is only ever written about WWE Raw. Come on, I need “Best and Worst of Monday Night Football” So I can read about how you can’t tell the difference between Jon Gruden and Ron Jaworski. Or “Best and Worst of The Evening News” So you can mark out for Brian Williams.
I have tix for 11/21 in Hershey. I am torn about them putting Daniel Bryan in the Gobbely Gooker costume. On one hand, at least he’ll get on stage. On the other hand, Mark Henry may try to eat him. On the third hand, at least that will count as a “program.” And on the fourth hand, maybe Henry will wear the hershey’s kiss “Sexual Chocolate” singlet again.
@Brandon, but seriously you can clearly hear at about 3:45 into the video that CM Punk is implying that he knows how Del Rio works and why he does what he does because CM Punk himself is a slimy, greasy, cheap-shot artist.
[video.thescore.com] (Sorry if you can’t view this outside of Canada)
I think it’s kinda surprising that Nash’s best promo work happened while he was in TNA (at least in my opinion), maybe because he was mostly doing comedy stuff there. I’m not sure why, but Nash has always been mush more comfortable and even believable doing comedy stuff than being the big, mean, intimidating bully, even though his size and physique should say otherwise.
But What if, at Wrestlemania, the Undertaker is World Heavyweight Champion?
@phill: If Punk doesn’t drink coffee because he’s straightedge, he shouldn’t have been so pissed that John Cena spilled his diet soda and took over the Nexus.
Also, can we play more of the WWE Superstars as Characters in The Wire game? If Otunga is Brother Mouzone and Mark Henry is Prop Joe (good call, Dennis – I can imagine Mark Henry saying “You fuck with me, I’ll kill your whole family”)… can MVP be Avon Barksdale? Was Edge Jimmy McNulty? Does that make Lita into Linda Pearlman? Ew.
Two more ‘talking before song’ intros – ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND ITS TIME FOR A CHANGE!! and WHAT ABOUT ME?!?! WHAT ABOUT RAVEN?!?!
Truth getting Antoine Dodson’d… was funny. The fact that Truth isn’t acting like he’s lost his mind consistently is what annoys me.
Punk “amigo’ing” Del Rio… is funny. Let’s not act like every other word out of Berto’s mouth isn’t an insult en Espanol, perro! If he was berating a Canadian, I’d expect him to say “eh” after everything, eh? The “go back where you came from” quip from whomever it was, that was rasis yo!
Would you believe The Marine 2 was on television this weekend? Mind = blown. Not that I watched it for any longer than 10 seconds to make sure it was what I thought it was. Denny.
>=( Poopies.
This my fave five right here:
1) AJ
2) Ricardo Rodriguez exuberantly offering to remind the Liverpool crowd exactly who ADR is after the “who are ya?” chants.
3) Poop jokes.
4) ??
5) Profit
First off, I clearly don’t comment nearly enough here for all the enjoyment this column gives me every week, and I apologize. Second, I’m ecstatic about the impending podcast type setup, having guest hosted a couple in the past, and very much look forward to its debut. Finally, I simply can’t bring myself to care about Survivor Series yet, in part due to CHIKARA’s “High Noon” iPPV this coming Sunday. And yes, I would also support a Best and Worst of High Noon.
Wow that was an average Raw but a good report
Holy shit late delay on posting but as always Brandon, you’re hilarious. Now, Im going back to copy and pasting your quotes on tumblr.
Sex Santa leaves condoms with holes poked through if you’re naughty.
You’re such an Robert Evans/Archibald Peck mark. IT MAKES MY HEART HAPPY, DAMMIT.
Kevin Nash MAEKS POOPIES TONIGHT >=( made me spit soda on my computer screen. Bonus points for the image of Wade Barrett as an anthropomorphic fox on DeviantArt. Well done.