Best: Survivor Series Is Actually Survivor Series
It took me a minute to remember that wasn’t Chavo Guerrero, but I’m really happy to see a traditional Survivor Series match made for the pay-per-view. My only problems with the match are that the good guy team is completely random (and I’m not happy with Sin Cara teaming with Sheamus like he never got powerbombed through a ladder and literally split in two) and neither team has a funny theme-name. At least give the Barrett/Rhodes group an official non-”Agents Of Change” stable name, or have the good guys line up Sheamus -> Orton -> Sin Cara -> Ryan -> Kingston and call them “Color Wheel”.
Worst: Wooo Someone’s From Wales Oh Wait It’s This Guy
One of the easiest WWE talking points right now is “I don’t care about Mason Ryan and he’s terrible at wrestling”. I think WWE needs a GRONDA-looking motherf**ker like Ryan from time to time, and I always enjoy the “Ba-tis-ta” chants from the crowd, but yeah, you can only cart this guy out and have him do some mild lifting to silence so many times before you have to abandon him or give him something to do. Batista didn’t just show up and be muscular, he started off as a sea monster, grew into an indentured alter boy and was quickly adopted into Evolution, where he learned to be an awesome dickface in sunglasses. Now he weighs 160 pounds and shoots guys with 2004 rap hits in direct-to-DVD action movies with titles like “A RIGHT TO’VE KILLED”.
What I’m saying is that Mason Ryan has the muscles and the size XS panties necessary to make him a huge deal in WWE, but he’s got to be something or do things. Otherwise he’s just a living action figure, sitting criss-cross applesauce on a dining room table in silence while the K-Mart guy’s wife is off somewhere cramming her son’s Randy Orton up her stuff.
Best: Wrestlemania Tickets
Thanks in part to Mr. John Canton of The John Report, I’ll be attending my second-ever Wrestlemania in March. Because of this, the hype videos about how excited Latino Pedestrians and Slightly Overgrown Children are to have Wrestlemania tickets make me really happy. Here’s a quick checklist of things I’m expecting to enjoy over Wrestlemania weekend, in order of how much I actually expect them to happen.
1. Meeting other people from the Internet who like wrestling, but not enough to always be mad about it
2. Seeing Akira Tozawa and/or the Bravado Brothers at the weekend’s independent wrestling shows
3. Hugging Stan Hansen and crying about it because it’s f**king Stan Hansen at WrestleReunion
4. Mark photo with The Chickbusters at AXXESS
5. The Chickbusters still being employed by Wrestlemania
8. Mark Henry ending Undertaker’s streak
9. Antonio Cesaro showing up and ending Undertaker’s streak
10. Archibald Peck showing up and ending Undertaker’s streak
(list subject to change)
Worst: We Know Your Catchphrases, Zack, Now Talk Like A Human Being
This is Zack Ryder.
This is Zack Ryder’s segment being one dimensional.
(You’d think this segment would get a Worst because of how the Bellas say “Strawberry Filled”, but no.) (Also, why do you want them to call you? You just walked up to them and hugged them and made them say your catchphrase. Just walk to where they are, they are always there.)
Best: Kevin Nash is still MAEKING THE POOPIES TONIGHT >=(
HE IS, WE PROMISES, STICK AROUND