Worst: Holy Sh*t Cena Just Made Fun Of Rape And Black People At The Same Time
About eight minutes into the show, John Cena, the Muscle Milk Juicebox That Walks Like A Man, responds to R-Truth’s threats of violence by putting on his best “maid from Tom & Jerry” voice to scream “OoohOOoh NO hide ya kids, hide ya wife, R-Troofus has done lost his mind again”. And here I thought I was going to have to write three paragraphs about Mammy Two-Piece from the Popeye’s commercials again. I know they’ve been calmly edging their way back into out-and-out racism as of late, but holy f**k, Cena did everything short of putting on a pair of clown shoes and shellacking his face with f**king shoe polish to work shoulderblock-shoulderblock-protobomb-you-can’t-see-me into an ol’ Bojangles routine and cram R-Truth into crate bound for Africa.
I don’t have another way to put it. What the f**k, WWE? Whether or not the Internet glorification of Antoine Dodson’s goofy response to someone trying to rape his sister makes inadvertent fun of rape victims is a debatable point (I guess) and the year and a half between when it was uploaded and when WWE finally found out about it seems appropriate, but dude, in a company where the four black guys on your show are either crazy, scheming, smilin’ or a wearing differently-lengthened pant legs because they’re a thug stereotype you can NOT have the popular white champion one ill-placed pause from saying “oh lawdy”. You can’t.
And that doesn’t even scratch the f**king surface of “R-Troofus” or “done lost his mind”. I really hope this was scripted out by out-of-touch 60-year-olds and not improv from Make-A-Wish Foundation-loving, hip-hop-wit-Da-Trademarc-ass John Cena. And without getting too far into it right now, I wish this had been the only moment of out-and-out racist slurs on the two hours of taped wrestling. Suddenly watching Jaykus Plisken call a black guy “chocolate man” at Anarchy in Austin doesn’t seem so bad, because we’re all hipster adults who can boo him for it and not a bunch of underclass eight-year-olds in Rise Above Hate shirts who are gonna go to school on Tuesday with black kids they’re never allowed to understand.
I’m a blogger. It’s not my job to tell a publicly-traded, International corporation that they’re awful people. But you know what? I’m sorry. You’re awful people and you shouldn’t be doing this. This is subversively worse and more damaging than the corpse-f**king.
Worst: The Logistics Of This Whole Tagging Thing
The stipulation John Laurinaitis arranged two weeks ago was that John Cena and a parter of his choice would face R-Truth and The Miz in a tag team match. Cena picked Zack Ryder, but Miz and Truth jumped him backstage and Cena had to go it alone. Cena won by disqualification, but Miz and Truth took it too far and Laurinaitis rebooted the idea with the same announcement — Cena would face Truth and Miz in a tag team match with a partner of his choice. Cena chooses the Rock, and the match is made for Survivor Series.
Fast forward two weeks and our main-event is John Cena and Zack Ryder in a tag team match against The Miz and R-Truth. Shouldn’t this … I don’t know, shouldn’t this be the match? Cena and his partner he chose are wrestling these guys. That’s the end, right? It fulfills Laurinaitis’ stipulation. If Cena’s building to a big tag match at the pay-per-view against guys he wants to get his hands on, why does he keep easily getting his hands on them every week, including more than once in tag matches?
They should’ve held a battle royal to find Cena’s partner and had Eve win it. F**k it, why not? Cena and Eve could beat The Awesome Truth, because one member of the team is John Cena.
Best: Zack Ryder, The Worst Macho Man Ever
As a wrestling nerd who obsesses over moments and mannerisms from 30 years ago, I loved Cena and Zack Ryder breaking out the Mega Powers handshake to formally announce their team for the night’s main event. It lacked the cocaine-fueled madness of Hulk Hogan saying the shake might “blow the whole planet up” or the suggestion that Hulkamania and Macho Madness are competing universes, but it was good. Cena is obviously the 1980s Hogan here — the brightly-colored, musclebound perennial champion with a limited set of moves who cannot be hurt or stopped by anything ever — so that makes The Internet’s Zack Ryder the Macho Man. As much as I appreciate Ryder’s charisma and ability, yeah, that’s a pretty huge gap.
I think they should’ve saved the big handshake for Cena/Rock, because The Rock comes a lot closer to being Savage … he hates women, wears sunglasses at all times, and if you remember his tweaked-out pacing interview from Wrestlemania 20 you’re aware he’s on enough drugs to start thinking of himself as a solar system.
Best: Kevin Nash MAEKS POOPIES TONIGHT >=(