Best: Sheamal Agility

Man, I hate it when WWE decides to give a wrestler a talking point. Did You Know?: Sheamus will often take two or three punches just to deliver one! Because he’s stupid, I guess!

But yeah, watching Sheamus come off the top rope for his diving shoulderblock and go into a full forward roll and coming up with the Brogue Kick was a very easy-to-explain kind of Best. Like most of his matches lately this was fine, even with the “Sheamus is smiling now, but he’s got a HOT TEMPER!” pre-commercial hype and there never being a point when you could imagine Jack Swagger winning, but it got really Kurt Angle Solid in its last minute. Also, I think Jack Swagger is pretty great and white.

Best: Jerry Lawler Has No Voice

One of the saving graces of this show was Jerry Lawler not being able to speak. When they’d cut to the announce table he’d be there with his eyes wide open looking all normal, but Cole would be all COME ON JERRY YOU KNOW FOR A FACT THAT VICKIE GUERRERO IS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, SHE’S WEARING A BEAUTIFUL ZEBRA DRESS AND I WOULD SAY SHE’S THE SKINNIEST AND BEST CONSTANTLY-HUMILIATED WIDOW I KNOW and Lawler would just kinda cough under his breath and mutter “good match”. I like to think Vickie purposefully dressed as wildlife this week just because she knew she physically couldn’t be called a cow whore.

Lawler should lose his voice every week. Better yet, let’s get a cardboard cut out of him, bend it in the middle and prop it up in a chair next to Booker.

Worst: Heh, Let’s Check In With Good Ol’ TWIT R

Remember back when Michael Cole would make fun of Jim Ross for using Twitter, and in the next breath would tell you to go to @heelziggler or whatever, and it seemed hypocritically pointless and weird? Yeah, that’s gotten even worse now that they see J.R.’s tweets on the social media hub WWE created to get everyone to look at how great they can trend that Cole and the announce team are supposed to be advertising. We’re two weeks away from Cole just saying “I hate Twitter, go to Twitter to find out more” and sucking himself into a black hole.

By the way, if you paid attention to the constant Twitter graphics interfacing themselves into Jack Swagger’s entrance, you may have followed the links and stumbled upon this video:

and this one

Best: IT BEEEGINNNNNSSS

The very best part of any mysterious wrestling video is how people figure it out in five seconds, second guess themselves, then spend however much time they’ve got between the video airing and the thing it’s hyping debuting coming up with every other explanation possible. Explanations for this one (so far) include:

1. The Undertaker, because it’s obviously the Undertaker. Also Sting, meaning “The Undertaker”.
2. Chris Jericho, because you have to “break the code” and figure out that (Y)outube + (2)/1/11 + (J)anuary = Y2J
3. Kane, even though Kane got his own cryptic hype video later in the show
4. Vince McMahon, because of how the kid is dressed (no, seriously)
5. Batista
6. Goldberg
7. the nWo (none of those make sense, but oh man how bad do I want it to be Batista)
8. Someone debuting, because it says “arriving”, not “returning”
9. The Chickbusters working a new goth gimmick (this one was mine)
10. Brodus Clay, because I guess he’s not debuting tonight

Worst: Hey, Wait A Minute, Where IS Brodus Clay?

Wasn’t he supposed to debut tonight?

Worst: Whoa, Where’s Jonah Hill?

Wasn’t Jonah Hill supposed to guest host Raw? They even had a commercial for him between Donald P. Bellasario and Nickelback announcing him as “the star of the new movie The Sitter“, which I swore had already been out. Does this have anything to do with Brodus Clay, and do Jonah Hill and Brodus Clay vanishing have anything to do with the MYSTERIOUS VIDEOS?

And while we’re on the topic of cryptic (and not so cryptic) return videos:

Best: IT’S GOTTA BE KANE

The best part of Raw for me socially was my girlfriend’s reaction to Kane’s mask showing up in a hype video. Destiny has three pro wrestling storylines she always suggests: 1) Destiny shows up on Raw for some reason and becomes the champ, 2) we find out who the Anonymous Raw General Manager is, and it usually ends up being Stone Cold Steve Austin and 3) Kane comes back and he’s wearing his mask. She watched Kane’s mask drop to the ground on fire with a face like she was opening Christmas presents.

I will welcome the return of masked Kane for three reasons: 1) because Destiny will watch the shows more closely, 2) because maskless Kane has pretty much run its course, and if we’re gonna have Kane around he might as well be stupid old Kane who shoots fire and 3) the return of masked Kane means the “May 19th” storyline is a Spider-Man Clone Saga for WWE and they can reveal that masked Kane was the real one and politico blogger Glenn Jacobs was an imposter all along.

Up Next: KEVIN NASH REITERATES HIS STANCE ON POOPIES >=(

Kevin Nash WWE

HE DOES