Worst: More Like Needles To Asses
I have to give Kevin Steen credit for that one. I’m going to move on from this pretty quickly, but how funny is it to hear The Rock talk sh*t about John Cena’s dorky catchphrases and spend 17 minutes trying to get “boots to asses” over?
Worst Worst Worst: I Can Trend So Much Better Than You!
Seriously, 17 minutes. The Divas match lasted 48 seconds. For 17 minutes a legitimate Hollywood movie star, the biggest guy in your company and the two guys they’re supposed to headline against at your six-days-away pay-per-view said TWITTER TWITTER TWEET TWITTER TRENDING TWITTER TWEET TWITTER TRENDING TWEET to each other.
That was the segment. It wasn’t an attempt to make things important, it was a storyline plot point, it wasn’t “talking people into the building”, it was two guys trying to trend random things before seeing who could beat up their meaningless insect opponents the most. As I mentioned (on Twitter) early Monday, “So I’m”, “Guess I’ll” and “GOT AIDS” were all worldwide trending topics. As of Tuesday afternoon, as I’m finishing this up, “Look What You’ve Done” and “Man I’m” are trending worldwide. I bring up the pointlessness of getting something to trend a lot, but you really have to understand how and why this happens. Twitter is made up of these huge groups of people called “stans” who like one and only one thing, and have to constantly prove that the one thing they like is better than other peoples’ one thing.
For example, say “Man I’m” is trending. You click it, and there’s a girl saying “Man I’m glad for Justin Bieber’s Mistletoe” and below that is “Man I’m in love with ONE DIRECTION” and below that is somebody putting all the trending topics into one sentence and below that is somebody who copy-pasted “Man I’m Man I’m Man I’m Man I’m Man I’m Man I’m Man I’m Man I’m” and above all of it is fake Voldemort saying “Man I’m going to try to kill Harry Potter”. Getting WWE things to trend is MINDLESS. At worst it doesn’t do anything to help you, and at best it placates your ego and convinces you that you’re popular. Make your shows good and they will trend naturally. Or just keep saying TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER and shake your head 10 years from now when you’re trying to put together a John Cena DVD and can’t use anything from 2011-whenever Twitter died.
Worst: Before We Begin, I’d Like To Remind You That You’re A Gay
I’d almost gotten through an episode of Raw without any condescending racist rape-culture bullsh*t going down, but then John Cena had to start his show-ending conversation with “are you wearing MAKE-UP?” as if they aren’t ALL wearing make-up because they perform on a TV show broadcast in HD. That leads directly into a passive-aggressive Rock and Cena showdown where Rock threatens to put his shoe in John’s “lady parts” and Cena saying “man-gina” and threatening to “bitch slap” The Rock. Two grown adult men, one wearing a shirt that says “Rise Above Hate”, the other who is the captain of a team of everybody, and the only things they hate about each other are the parts that are like a woman.
Meanwhile, Miz and Truth stand around doing nothing. But that leads to:
Best: I Am So SICK! Of this!
The Miz says this about 26 minutes into the 17 minute segment, and it brings up a very good question: How can you get excited for pro wrestling when the bad guys are the only people saying what you think?
Worst: DUDE WTF U STOLE MY KILL BRO
And the show ends with Cena and Rock agreeing that “boots to asses” and beating up The Miz and R-Truth, as they’ve done without effort since day 1. The only issue that arises is that Cena wants to hit Miz with his special move, but Rock stops him so he can hit his own. And then Cena is sad! So Rock steals his taunt. And that is your build to Survivor Series.
One of the biggest stars you’ve ever had is wrestling his first match in 7 years on Sunday. He’s teaming with one of your most hated/popular and easily most bankable stars. They’re facing a guy who used to be on MTV and, worst case scenario, a former NWA Heavyweight Champion. In WWE terms they’re facing two guys who not very long ago lowered the Hell in a Cell around the company’s biggest stars, beat the sh*t out of them and walked away in handcuffs with smug smiles on their faces. The Rock agreed to partner with Cena because of how much he hates them, and when he’s finally in the ring with them he explains how he doesn’t and has never cared about them. Cena doesn’t care about them. The crowd will do whatever Cena and Rock say, so THEY don’t care about them. And the worst part? It’s taken us since before Wrestlemania to get here. And it took us three hours just to get here TONIGHT.
“Constantly disappointing” is trending worldwide. So are “losing money” and “get it the f**k together”.