Good luck trying to enjoy this match clip with all the “announcing” going on.
Worst: Mark Henry, Coward
Early in the match, Mark Henry has one of those moments he has where he flashes back to the old Mark Henry and I get worried that they’ve ruined him forever. They never have, but when a guy’s previous 14 years of highlights were topped off by sub-PN News rapping to a midget you get paranoid. Anyway, Big Show started hitting him with stuff, and Henry bailed, leaving Del Rio by himself for a moment as they crashed to break. He got back into the ring during the commercials and the match went on as planned, but that moment concerned me … why is Mark Henry afraid of ANYONE? He shouldn’t be the bully who backs down when you stand up to him, he should be the one bully who is just stronger than everybody else so he catches your George McFly punch in his fist and breaks your hand.
I haven’t figured out why they’ve been portraying Mark as sketchy around the Big Show. They’ve played up the “last time they collided” video a lot with the ring collapsing, but nobody ever points out that it was Mark Henry SUPLEXING Big Show INTO the ring that made it collapse. They didn’t just bear hug each other and have it explode. Mark was the catalyst; they didn’t break the ring, he did, and I think we aren’t saying that clearly enough.
So no, when Big Show tries a punch, the guy who can break the set with your body shouldn’t bail.
Best: Mark Henry, Everything Else
And like I said, thankfully Henry never STAYS in coward mode, and quickly goes back to splitting wigs. I like when CM Punk gets to wrestle and isn’t relegated to being the show’s sociopathic Jim Halpert, and I like it even more when Henry gets to catch people while they’re trying to do things and put them down with malice. That’s cool. That’s why I loved Vader so much. Vader could get beaten down (see Simmons, Ron) but he never, at least until the WWF brought him over, seemed like he was weaker for it. You just had to be really strong and tough to beat him. That makes sense, doesn’t it? Mark should be blistering dudes like Punk on the reg, so when he does, I’m going to Best it.
I’m also going to give a secondary Worst to Alberto Del Rio, not for his personal performance, but for how dead-set they seem against him doing well on his own merits. When you have everyone who gets cheered point out that you’re a fake guy who rents cars and doesn’t know Spanish and is actually white and is actually a woman and is actually a 4-year old baby girl with f**king butterfly disease or whatever you can’t do much with it. What I’m saying is that I’m not afraid for Berto’s future, I’m just kind of afraid of the future itself.
Best: I Actually Liked This Kevin Nash Thing
I think “my friend didn’t notice the pop I got” is the worst reason to feud with somebody since Japanese shampoo commercials, but I liked Nash’s interaction with Santino. Santino announcing to the crowd that his career is on the right track and that he’ll return as champion is a perfect comedy turn, especially following his Royal Rumble performance and that moment of thought where you try to figure out how that’s going to happen. It won’t, and how badly it won’t is funny.
The second funniest part was Nash’s big boot, which was bigger in size than in execution and got up to about the waist, like he’s one of the character from ‘Wrestlemania’ for the NES. Just stand straight up and kick about hips-high. Third funniest part is how easily Nash could avoid injuring people with his powerbomb if he’d just follow through with his arms and move his lower body a little.
Worst: Jerry Lawler’s Taste In Movies
“Get It To The Greek was one of my all-time favorite movies …”
He loved it so much he couldn’t even remember the name of it. But seriously, Jonah Hill is showing up and you mention how great Get Him To The Greek was? Not Moneyball, not Superbad or Forgetting Sarah Marshall or Knocked Up? I want Jonah Hill to show up on Raw next week and get accosted by the Bellas only for Lawler to interrupt, shoo them away, pull Jonah to the side and tell him, “you know what, I think Allen Gregory is easily the best television show ever made”.
Worst, But With A Best Chaser: Orton And Barrett
Much in the same vein as Sheamus/Swagger (and to a lesser degree that “why am I not Besting and Worsting Smackdown instead of Raw” thing from the pre-show notes), Orton and Barrett was fine, but a victim of being shorted on Raw, being better on Smackdown and being run moments after a “tune in this Friday to see Barrett take on Randy Orton in a tag team match” commercial. I like what both of them can do in the ring and was hoping we’d get another “signature move into Wasteland” thing, possibly the RKO jump, but once the Survivor Series teams wandered out it was super secret wrestling fan code for “nothing’s going to happen and then everybody’s going to fight”.
Also, Barrett wrestled for like a year without his hair coming out of place, and now it’s flopping around everywhere. Did they bring in Rob Lowe’s season 4 hair guy from ‘Parks and Recreation’?