Worst: Mason Ryan Isn’t Strong
Point 1: When you’re little, you assume muscles = strength. As you grow up and discover ESPN 2, you realize that guys who are trim and ripped have made themselves so largely because of vanity, and that the truly strong people have muscular arms and legs but also heads and necks and torsos shaped like barrels. A lot of your strength comes from your core, so if you want a lot of strength, barring any sort of natural genetic mutation, you’ve got to have a lot of core.
Point 2: I love and miss leather vested, “I’m here to make money” Dave Batista, but one of my worst live wrestling memories was being in the crowd for Armageddon 2002 and watching him try to powerbomb Kane. I’ve seen Kane (who is not “cut” by any stretch) scoop up the Big Show and carry him around on his shoulder. Here I was watching Mr. World Fitness Batista struggle to get a jumping Kane higher than Celestial Moon bellybutton tattoo without dropping and killing him. He struggled and struggled, and everybody booed.
So now when I see Mason Ryan gorilla press people, it makes me sad. He doesn’t really “press” them, because he isn’t really strong. I don’t want to get all “secrets of pro wrestling revealed” on you, but all Ryan is doing is balancing the guy on the top of his head Nat-Geo style and waiting for them to press themselves up on his shoulder. Normally I wouldn’t care about something like this, but when your entire thing is being strong and lifting guys, you’ve got to be strong and able to lift guys.
Best: Just Let Dolph Ziggler Wrestle Everything
Christian is injured, so Dolph Ziggler is taking his place on Team Barrett at Survivor Series. I would’ve went with Cait Sith, but whatever.
Anyway, assuming that the Zack Ryder “hey bro will you bro my petition for a Bro-S title bro at Brovivor Series” thing happens, this will be the second pay-per-view in a row with two Dolph Ziggler-related matches on it. As someone who loves watching the guy wrestle I’m all for it, but part of me wonders whether or not that spot couldn’t be used for somebody else, both to make someone else look important and to let Dolph settle on making his United States title run mean something.
This is a great place to shoehorn in Brodus Clay, isn’t it? Have him stand there all scary on the ring apron, blocking an entire section’s view, have him crossbody Sheamus or whoever to eliminate them in shocking fashion and just stand around growling like the Bear Hugger-looking motherf**ker he is when Team Barrett wins. That’s easy. Or, let one of the Nexus guys throw back in with Barrett. Heath Slater or Justin Gabriel could carry a part of the match before getting eliminated in spectacular fashion, couldn’t they? Or bring back Skip Sheffield here. Give William Regal a pay-per-view payday. Put Derrick Bateman on Barrett’s team and Titus O’Neil on Orton’s to make NXT still seem like a thing. And seriously, that’s at least five reasonable ideas I could come up with in the time it took me to write a stream-of-consciousness paragraph. I love Ziggler, but damn, there are only so many spots on these shows.
Worst: The Physics Of The Anaconda Vise, And Also This Is So Stupid
I could be completely wrong about this, but the Anaconda Vise isn’t supposed to hurt your arm, is it? It’s a choke. You pin the guy’s head between their arm and yours and you choke them.
Michael Cole returned sometime around here to reclaim his spot at the announce table, and he did so with his arm in a sling, never once mentioning that he’d been choked. So… in WWE terms is the Anaconda Vise an arm submission, now? Because seriously, bend your arm like that and hold it up to your head. That’s how an arm normally bends. Unless you’ve got pecs like Mason Ryan it shouldn’t be able to tear anything in your body. Doing an elbow smash to the head should hurt your arm worse than having it held in elbowing position. Maybe everything I’ve ever known about Hiroyoshi Tenzan is a lie, or everybody at Raw is dumb and nobody knows how wrestling works.
Worst: The Popular Use Of John Morrison
John Morrison beat Dolph Ziggler in a match last week, for some goddamn reason, and this week felt it still necessary to run down to the ring (in jeans, but without a shirt) to roll Ziggler back into the ring after a match Mason Ryan just won to see him beaten up more. And yeah, Vickie slapping Mason was a cheap way to end the match, but it wasn’t really Ziggler’s doing, and worst case scenario this Mason Ryan fellow beat the sh*t out of the US Champ and made him turn tail and run. It just seemed unnecessary. But you know, “it just seemed unnecessary” might’ve been the running theme on the night, especially when CM Punk is literally saying so into the camera, so maybe this is a best after all.
And if you’re keeping score at home, the United States champion lost to John Morrison last week and Mason Ryan this week after losing, like, five of six matches to Zack Ryder. Ryder’s got his petition going, but shouldn’t everybody be getting US title matches?
Best: Wizard World Dreams Do Come True
From August:
Melina Splits: WWE Cleaning House - Notable because WWE is referencing them on television, with the slight chance that Masters, Kozlov and Harry Smith are going to return as part of CM Punk’s “Legion Of The Damned”. Melina, of course, will be at Wizard World Austin. Come on, Wizard World Austin! [With Leather]
From then on, it became a running gag that I was going to hook up with Melina at Wizard World. Well, Wizard World came and went, and like I said, dreams come true.
(no they don’t)
(I’m still trying to figure out which part of my outfit makes me dorkier, the Zelda hoodie, the Totoro shirt or the Minor League Baseball hat.)
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/1245/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/tracy-mcgrady-arbys-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/thunderbolt-patterson-180x180.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/john-oliver-mick-foley-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/smt2du.jpg-180x170.gif)
FIRST OH MAN YES THIS IS THE GREATEST
also, the crowd seemed really dead for most of this Raw. everything that wasn’t the Rock seemed to be met with “meh”
EVEN MICK FOLEY. YOU DON’T MEH MICK FOLEY!
They’re completely wasting the Rock. He’s…better than this. At least, I think he is.
Enjoyed the write-up, as always.
Where is the Best and Worst of High Noon?
A few notes:
1. Enough with the “trending topics” and “hashtag” commentary. WWE sounds like my mom trying to talk tech.
2. Someone teach Kofi Kingston how to do pushups. It’s hypnotizing how little pectoral definition he has.
3. Trying to convince me that the Rock is cool is like trying to convince me that Linkin Park, Korn, and Limp Bizkit are all still cool, as well. His segment was NEARLY as painful as Mick Foley’s “this is your life” bit.
@Bobby – I mentioned it in the blurb, but I was just too burned out to do that on Monday and have to do this one on Tuesday. This is the one people get sore at me if I don’t have up quick.
Also, another +1 for the Cait Sith reference.
I thought the crowd was pretty hot, but I guess it didn’t translate well to television. Regardless, start a show with Michael Cole dancing and you’re more-or-less baiting your audience into not giving a fuck about anything.
Zack Ryder is turning into the Deadpool of wrestling. At first you’re all “oh this guy is clever and interesting I’d like to see more of him” and then whatever company is in charge of him translates that to “NONSTOP ALL THE TIME EXPLOITATION” until you’re tired of his lame schtick and wish he’d just go back to hanging out with Blind Al.
Basically I miss Zack Ryder’s Joe Kelly era.
High Noon was better than this show.
In reference to Full House, I believe they just repainted the door. I saw the house this summer… It’s also no where near the park from the opening credits.
The only thing I love more than WWE is Penn State Football.
*disappears in a puff of troll smoke*
Do I have to write @Brandon or is it implied all of these are in some sense @ you? I’d much prefer to see a High Noon report just because this Raw thing was the worst fucking thing ever. And I was an avid WCW watcher, though I may be slightly prone to exaggeration.
I’m tired of waiting for Brodus Clay to debut. I want Brandon to just create a fake Brodus Clay Twitter account so he can wax philosophical all week long about the fall of humanity.
Good job as always.
Did you mean a Totoro shirt? I don’t know what Toroto is.
I understand why you don’t like the Rock, and why you hate the face Rock in particular, but I think it’s important to note that this man is very capable of entertaining. Heel, guitar-playing Rock is awesome and I wish he’d come back.
Thanks, as always, Brandon. Great report. And great first page to your friend/co-writer.
Best: That clip of Shaemus hanging out with the Biebs!!!
Worst: No Yurple. Sorry, Brandon, but that would have saved the show.
Okay, and a question for the masses. My friend and I are going to Survivor Series next Sunday, and he insist on making signs. Any suggestions?
Also, second worst…does Survivor Series currently have just 5 scheduled matches thus far? Two title matches, the Survivor Series style match, Cena/Rock thing, and the divas?
Never pick Cait Sith for anything. Ever.
@Ragingape – Sorry, that was a typoro.
Cait Sith is one of those Final Fantasy characters where you don’t ever use him for anything and then there’s a part in the game where you’re forced to assign characters to an A-team and a B-team and you’re fucked because he’s like 30 levels behind everyone else and has no equipment or learned abilities.
Every time I see a picture of you, Brandon, I think that you are somehow related to Hornswoggle.
Before I begin reading, I’d like to say that I remember reading Foley’s first two autobiography’s in the early 00′s. One thing that stood out to me was that he always had no problem to stand up to McMahon on shitty ideas. I don’t know what goes on behind the scenes, but, I get the impression there are far too many lower ranked wrestlers who are “Yes” men than guys with backbones. The “This is your life” segment and the Cole/JR segment were pure garbage. It’s about time that we get some lower tier wrestlers grow a pair and say something to get themselves on the air and get rid of filler crap that is happening now. I’m sure if Drew Mcintyre were to walk down the aisle and absolutely murder Cole, to briefly announce he’s sick of this crap and demand a fight, he’d be over in a jiffy.
Also, is it just me, or do all Attitude era superstars have that “stench” to them that other superstars from other wrestling eras do not have?
See, in the promos announcing the Rock in the show, his head appeared kinda transparent… ghostlike, I thought it was fitting after the show ended,,, we got the Rock’s ghost. The real Rock is long gone
This was like one of those EWR/TEW shows where you’d put it together and be like, “THIS HAS TO MAKE SENSE I HAVE ALL MY BEST GUYS ON IT AND MY GUYS WITH A+ CHARISMA ARE DOING A BIG PROMO AT THE END” and then as you run the results it gets a D- because “something just didn’t click”.
Oh man, you got all of my wrestling sim memories back in one fell swoop.
Well, I’ve come around on Zack Ryder. Brandon’s right about him. His gimmick has officially jumped the shark. He wanders around spouting the same stupid catch phrases whether they work in the context of the segment or not, looking like a walking merchandise rack. Buy the Broski scarf! Buy the Broski chain! Buy the Broski fake wig! Buy the Broski neon-colored oversized novelty sunglasses! Enough already.
I’m sorry I ever implied you were a Ryder hipster, Brandon. Used to, I got excited when Zack Ryder, Internet Wrestling Community darling would appear on TV. Now I go “Jesus Christ, it’s Zack Ryder again and look at all that stupid Broski crap they’re selling”.
As for the rest of the show, it was a trainwreck, much like most episodes of Raw since Money in the Bank. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t. How completely terrible was that Michael Cole segment? I dug JR’s dancing, in a perverse way. It was just so stupid and ridiculous that it was funny. Mick Foley fell flat for me, but I was never the biggest Foley fan.
Cody Rhodes’ new theme is awesome. I like how they’ve tweaked his music as his gimmick has changed, instead of replacing the theme entirely. Also, more picture-in-picture prematch interviews, please WWE.
Zack Ryder is still good and interesting on Z!TLS, I don’t know why he goes so overboard on the silly crap on Raw. Just bring those storylines to Raw, etc.
+1 for Necron reference.
that last Worst had the best title whoever said that on Facebook and Twitter is probably handsome and funny and has a huge penis. Also this week’s Best Worst Drinking Game put me in a coma before page 5.
This made me sad. I wasn’t even looking forward to this today like I usually am because the show was so bad. That being said, nice job with the jokes, Brandon.
Zack Ryder is caught between a rock (not THE ROCK or A Rock) and a hard place. He tried so damned hard to get on tv, now they put him on each week as a walking merch rack.
He can’t speak up, because he’s still dispensable and he probably hates all this as much as we do.
I want to see him wrestle and win, in non-comedy matches. I don’t want him to be a taller, less cogent Hornswaggle.
Again I say I’d rather watch Superstars than this. And while I love and appreciate these reports, I think I’d rather read Best and Worst of SmackDown! as well. If I had to choose. If you can write both, awesome.
Dolph “How damn good am I at this?” Ziggler
I register for your new comment system just to add this post so I hope it turns out to be worth the ten seconds of my life it took to do so.
I’m with you on most of this stuff Brandon, especially Goldberg Mode Rock, but I wanted to add I thought the first few minutes of his bit at the end of the show were incredible. I don’t know if he’s gotten better since becoming a legitimate actor or if he’s just that much more charismatic than everyone else but his opening shtick but every other line of dialogue on the show to shame. Clean, concise, articulate delivery. Perfect read on the crowd. Didn’t come out and immediately do the “Finally…” thing. Instead, he borrowed the dance music trope of build/break/release and delivered every single one of his lines right down to the end to maximum effect. And I thought to myself, this guy really is, in terms of portraying a character, light years beyond just about everyone else WWE has ever employed. Then, the WWE ruined it. The worst possible way to end that show was how they ended it and they wasted what sounded like a nuclear bomb’s worth of energy in the garden on it. Oh well, it still made me smile for a few minutes.
Also I like John Cena. He seems like a nice guy. Is that so wrong?
I would have been thrilled if you had just put Worst: EVERYTHING in size 144 font on every page.
If you do Smackdown instead of Raw B/W from now on, I’ll be thrilled. Still put it up on Tuesday, and reap the rewards
Let’s stop watching.
I also appreciate that Cody is apparently still crazy despite no longer being Doctor Doom. That was one of the few positive take aways I had last night.
If you’re gong to pick Cait Sith, then you might as well go with Vincent. Same ineffectiveness, with the ADDED FUN of an uncontrolled Limit Break.
Best last line ever.
I wrote a High Noon review just in case anyone wanted to read one. I know, I’m not Brandon, but just because my writing has 37% more horse meat in it than Brandon’s doesn’t mean that it’s not somewhat nutritious!
High Noon
I just want to point out that based on the way Alberto Del Rio locks the armbar up, he doesn’t need to do anything to Punk’s shoulder to tear the ligaments in PUNK’S ELBOW. Looks like the WWE announcers really want to know as little as possible about moves as they can. An armbar is the most basic jiujitsu submission. It doesn’t take long to figure out how it works.
First, epic anecdote about sitting with Rachel and Portia. It makes me a sad panda i am the wrong side of the Atlantic to be able to go to ACW shows.
Second, i think you havent clicked on the Big Show and Henry story. The way i see it is Henry has dominated everyone. He has kicked out of RKOs, gone through hell in a cell, put Sheamus through a barrier, put multiple people through tables, snapped ankles with chairs and just generally been a dominant SOB. But then Show comes back off the injury and while Henry put him out by WSS’ing him through a table he had nothing to lose then, but now he is the champ and this is the highest point he has ever reached in a long career. So Show comes back and Henry is still confident, but then he takes a knockout punch and unlike the 5 million punches he has taken over the years because American style means everyone constantly punches each other which never even gets a near fall let alone a 3 count he found himself knocked out in the ring. So in the backdrop to this he goes into Vengeance no longer confident he can take any move – he took an RKO no problem, but that punch would end his reign.
So Vengeance happens, he avoids the big punch but couldnt beat Show clean and only got through it by the match being thrown out due to that big superplex spot. He had to destroy himself to destroy Show. The next Smackdown he basically states he is done with Show who then vows to KO him every week until he gets a rematch, which he does and which Henry now has to give him this Sunday. The point of the story isnt that Henry shouldnt be afraid of him, its that he should be as Show is the only one who has been able to stop him in the Hall of Pain run. The point is that Henry has psyched himself out by thinking that Big Show is the only guy he cant beat.
Fingers crossed Smackdown continues to deliver and the story this Sunday should be Mark Henry gets hit with the big punch (i refuse to use its new nickname) but kicks out at 2 as he did to Orton’s RKO with him again delegitimisating another finisher that should stop him and sending him back to being the unstoppable monster with even more confidence than he had before.
I don’t even watch wrasslin anymore, but I happened to flip over after Rodgers 9th TD and saw that my favorite wrassler of all time was going to be on. Justin explained it perfectly. Seeing The Rock again just wasn’t the same, though I’m inclined to believe its both me growing up (only a little bit, farts are still fucking hilarious) and the WWE not being as good. I’m only a little mad I sat through the last 30 mins of RAW to see a bunch of shit talking at the end only to get 2 half assed Rock Bottoms.
And I’ve always hated Randy Orton. Whats with his stupid dance/gyrate thing he does when hes about to drop his weak ass Diamond Cutter?
Also, you know who’s useless? Yuffie. Shes a bitch and she steals. That dog too. I hated having to do that part of the game. Tifa and Cid all the way man….
Love the write ups, but as far as the Rock and his constant twitter/trending things, I really thought he was doing it in an ironic way. He really seemed like he was pushing it over and over again to prove, like you keep saying, that ANYTHING can be trending on twitter, and with the greatest of ease. Just my opinion, but he seemed to be mocking it just as much as you guys have the past few weeks (and you should. I don’t need to know when disgusting things people just said are trending)
@heemoy: I will NOT have you speak ill of Red XIII! Though yeah, Cloud/Tifa/Cid= WIN.
No doubt, Minor league baseball hat.
Nothing nerdy about Zelda,
or Tutoro.
But Minor-League baseball?
Nerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrddddddddddddddd
This is coming from a guy who used to sell those little mini-bats in the stands at minor league baseball games.
This column has ruined wrestling for me but in a good way. Now I can’t help but watch it without thinking what will be a best or worst. It makes watching the really terrible raws almost enjoyable. Also I think you missed two best’s:
Best: that horrifically terrible “Raw gets’ Rocked” promo image where they just shook the raw log a bit in flash animation. Just the fact that a multimillion dollar corporation paid some employee to due that and then put it on television was the funniest thing I saw all night. That thing had me laughing so I could actually stomach the opening segment.
Best: Dolph Ziggler’s little Loney Tunes arm flapping thing as he fell out of Mason “I’m not Batista” Ryan’s Gorilla Press. I swear he was going to stop in mid air pull out a little “Uh Oh” sign and leave a Ziggler shaped hole in the ring.
They took away Cody’s mask? nooooooooooooooo (Although that Velociraptor taunt *is* amazing. I’m torn.)
That Smackdown segment, man.
just to shoehorn this theory in here: They’re not debuting Brodus over and over on purpose. It’s a play on their passé hype videos, an attempt to slide in the “talent relations” part of Ace’s gig, and it’s a way to get the audience to go “ugh, good god, just debut him already!” When he does eventually come out, a whole section somewhere is going to go “Finally! Jesus!”
I’m quickly losing all the interest gained by CM Punk’s promo and am close to falling out of watching WWE. However, I would leave knowing a few things.
1) The Rock is freakin’ amazing
2) I might still watch ROH
3) It’d be criminal if Dolph Ziggler isn’t world champion next year
4) I’ll always come back for these posts
Your reviews got me back into watching RAW, and this episode ended that. im still gonna read u of course, cause ur awesome but god does the show suck, id rather spend the 10 pm hour watching Castle.
Please start doing best and worst of Smackdown. There are certainly more bests available on that show…
Raw blows….your reviews are the only thing at this point of my life(26) that keeps me interested. I was at Money in the Bank. How we have gone from that to this is beyond me. Gonna be awhile before we hear the sound of the bat buddy.
“(I’m still trying to figure out which part of my outfit makes me dorkier, the Zelda hoodie, the Totoro shirt or the Minor League Baseball hat.)”
The answer, of course, is the scraggly ginger beard. It’s ALWAYS the scraggly ginger beard.
Re: the Rock. Face Rock has pretty much always been ass. That said, as another commenter pointed out, he’s still VASTLY better than the entire roster at playing a character, even if the WWE wants that character to be a pale imitation of what he did 8-11 years ago. And with THAT said, I’d still rather watch Fast 5 than his appearance last night, and I’ve marked for pretty much every one of his limited returns (though the Hurricane ones were, by far, the best).
Cody’s facial reconstruction mask, I’ll miss you.
Also, John Cena’s dad should take Michael Cole’s place as a ringside announcer. His voice is great, he has a knowledge of the game (little g) and could provide some great history so maybe JR and King can man up and I can finally listen to a broadcast. Plus, Daddy Cena jumping up from time to shout “THAT’S MY SON!” to embarrass the Never Give Up Machine would be some good comedy.
What would happen to Michael Cole? God, I don’t know and I certainly do not care. Maybe he can go back to being the little pipsqueak that the Rock beats up in backstage promos?
I would like to say that while I was a huge mark for The Rock, he is pretty sad compared to some of his heights of his heel days in particular. That being said, there is something to be had from a guy who can get the crowd so excited. I feel like The Rock still can be good, but he is taking the things that he, in one breath, says are stupid about Cena, like catchphrases and appealing to kids and mindless idiots, and using them himself. The Rock is still talented on the mic, if he isn’t spitting one of his 1500 catchphrases, but that’s virtually all he’s done in the last 6 months.
Anyhow, this week’s Raw was a shitpile, so I’m glad you got to enjoy wrestling this weekend, prior to yesterday.
So from last week we all agreed, or at least I did, on playing Batman and man it’s frickin sick. Love the hoody by the way. Glad I was actually playing batman while this show was going on because my aggression had to get out somewhere.
I do think though that cena needs to go heel because he acts like one and if they really want him to sell tickets and be the superstar he is we all need a little break from him.
Watching that Cena clip from ’03 reminds me why I hated/hate him and why I stopped watching wrestling because of him and Carlito. I would try to watch the show back then and when I saw those guys I just thought to myself…”the fuck?”.
The Twitter stuff is realllllly making me want to tune out. Like take a couple months off, tune in and if it’s still going on…give it a year. What’s worse is TNA is guilty of this also. They put up, “@So_and_So: Z0MG! Velvet Sky is awesome yall!”, graphics during their matches now.
I’m am also annoyed by bad videogame controller pantomime.
Bull Buchanon losing his money in a ponzi scheme got the biggest LOL from me last night. He was probably the highlight of the entire 3 hours for me. That is a sad state of affairs.
Wow, are we ever on the same page. I’m not trying to pander to you or anything, Brandon, but there are several instances throughout the show where I said exactly what you did here.
The biggest thing pointed out that stood out to me was the Hunico “Latino Gangster” character. It seems, in Pro-Wrestling World, if you’re latino and not wearing a mask, you are by default from “the streets”. Wifebeater? Check. Doo-Rag? Check. I could almost have let this slide had Hunico been introduced as this character but he wasn’t. He was the evil mirror image of Sin Cara, who has even been directly referenced as a superhero. Meaning that Hunico was Venom to Sin Cara’s Spider Man. If Venom lost his symbiote and ended up being a minority-thug stereotype, I would’ve went ‘ugh’ and remind myself that Batman is better.
I don’t really get the appeal of Zack Ryder. He’s OK in the ring, as good as any midcarder, and if he beats Ziggler for the title and gets Dolph into the main event picture, I’m all for it, but the character drives me nuts. I don’t know if this is a “being himself with volume turned up” situation or a Robbie-E style cash in on Jersey Shore…but it should stop if the US title is going to get back any semblance of respect.
The Mick Foley segment was pretty good, for being a part of the non-wrestling that took up 90% of a 3 hour long show, and my reaction to Cena’s reactions was similar to the report’s. He genuinely seemed both entertained and embarrassed by the whole thing. And The Rock boots-to-assing Foley was the most entertaining thing he’s done since The Rundown.
I really hope that Jack Swagger becomes a thing, and can’t wait to see it. After losing to the people he has (see: Evan Bourne, Santino Marella) the number of times he has (once is too much), he deserves it.
The second I heard it, I thought “I really hope Brandon addresses Lawler’s taste in movies this week.”
I’ve never liked The Rock, in comparison to other wrestlers working alongside him. When he started out, I was all about Bret Hart. When he became a main eventer, I was a total mark for Stone Cold. When he went face, I always thought that HHH was way too good a heel and Rock was not that great a face. And now we have this. The Rock has been around long enough, and has talked enough, that nothing he says seems original. Cena may say some really dumb things sometimes, but at least they aren’t SO redundant. Their wrestling styles are similar enough that they should put up a good match at Wrestlemania, but I just can’t seem to care about this tag match. I’d almost rather listen to the four of them banter for 30 minutes.
Lastly, in regards to Cena v. Rock, Cena won it for me with “I Bring It Via Satellite”.
Has The Rock done anything not terrible since he came back? The Rock used to be so good. Why is he so bad now? Can anyone answer this for me?
The Zelda hoodie is boss, Brandon. Plus you color coordinated with the hat. What’s up with the shirt over your shoulder though?
Why does The Rock have Stone Cold’s bald head/goatee look, doesn’t he know it’s not the 90′s? The Survivor Series main event is so unevenly stacked that Awesome Truth might as well be jobbers. I’m much more excited for the traditional Survivor Series Team Orton vs Team Barrett match.
rocks promo started out fantastic but then dipped when he started talking about twitter
I’ll go ahead and blame the education system for Hunico’s demise. I didn’t realize that losing your wrestling mask turns you into a Los Santos resident.
Gotta say I loved that Mark Henry shirt. Finally glad he got one and its pretty badass.
I actually didn’t mind the Rock, really. Maybe it was the hot crowd, but it felt genuinely excitingto me. The crowd was eating out of his hand and he took advantage. Not excited at all for the main event at SS though, since it’ll basically be “How will Rock/Cena feud after the match?” or something, where everyone prays Cena will turn heel but get disappointed once again.
@Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer – It’s an old Team Angle shirt I have signed by Kurt Angle and Shelton Benjamin. The only signature I don’t have is Charlie Haas, and he was supposed to be there. He no-showed and was replaced by Shad from Cryme Tyme. I just hadn’t lugged it back to my car yet.
@Milkman – The answer is that babyface The Rock was never good, and he’s always been like this.
I’d rather see “Eddie Kingston Backfist Cena and Rock” as a trending topic than whatever stupid crap WWE is trying to trend.
Here is my dream: from now on, whenever anyone in WWE uses the phrase “trending worldwide” on broadcast TV, I want them to immediately be savagely assaulted by burly men in trollface masks and beaten until they are gory.
That was the worst RAW of the year, and there have been many shitty episodes. I’ve now lost whatever hope I had back at the beginning of summer that they might change things for the better.
I’m starting to feel like what’s happening with Zack Ryder is like when you casually mention to your wife or GF that you like Transformers (or whatever) and the next day, she surprises you with a house full of Transformers-related stuff: cereal, t-shirts, notebooks, pencils, pencil sharpeners, Colorforms, candy… everything but actual Transformers.
I don’t want to order Survivor Series right now. The thought of paying $50 for the current level of shit they’re “entertaining” us with does not sit well, no sir.
Excellent report, as usual, Mr. Stroud, however, I really think you would have been better served watching and reporting on NWA Mountain State’s 300th show (Not that you can’t at a later date, of course, [www.youtube.com]). Johnny Blast is pretty much tied with Junior Dos Santos as “Nicest, most delightful world heavyweight champion”.
As for the anaconda vice question you posed – it always looked wonky to me, like it might incorporate a crappy keylock or maybe a half-assed biceps slicer, and while this video shows it could be transitioned to a modified americana ([www.youtube.com]), the true vice is both a choke and a crank ([www.youtube.com]), but I guess it’s easier to show the after effects of an arm attack than being choked into unconsciousness.
Does anyone remember how Barry Darsow’s finisher was putting his hand on your bicep, flexing you arm the way it’s supposed to go and repeatedly yelling “I’LL BREAK IT!”?
I have a Minor League Baseball hat (Las Vegas 51s) so don’t worry you’re good.
“while they glance over his shoulder to see if the little metro guy who’s way better than him is peace-signing anywhere in the background.” Did I read that right? Did he say Bourne is “way better” than Kofi? Can i get some clarification on that?
I didn’t care about The Rock & Jort Connection before this Raw aired and I certainly don’t care about The Rock & Jort Connection now.
Only WWE could screw up THE RETURN OF THE ROCK.
@Skooch Banachek – Damn i never could place it but Hornswoggle is close. I always think @Brandon looks like Mac from It’s Always Sunny but some kind of Vegan Mac.
Side note: You figure McDonald’s would have got on that shit by now.
I will give the Rock coming in for 2 seconds to rock bottom Mick was awesome. And I completely agree that most of this show was a waste of time. The thing that boggles my mind is why they keep advertising the Rock like he is back to wrestling like he was but all he does is come out for 15 minutes to bitch about Cena then leaves for 4 more months to do it again to have 1 match so he can leave again for 5 more months to have 1 more match. Which most likely will be his last match. hell Undertaker has wrestled more in the last year than the Rock has and Taker is a broken old man.
The closing sentence of this awesome post was perfect. Well done, dude.
THESTINGER is getting increasingly frustrated with Raw. It sucked for a lot of years and then became amazing for a few weeks over the summer and it is no quickly being made to suck again.
Mic Foley is one of THESTINGER’s five favorite wrestlers. He is up there with Dusty Rhodes. THESTINGER does not know how much longer Mic Foley will stay with that illustrious group if he keeps doing stuff like he did last night.
THESTINGER likes The Rock pretty okay. THESTINGER’s wife loves The Rock and thinks he’s hilarious. The Rock was not bad last night and the THESTINGER is glad that they did not use him for all three hours.
Still, THESTINGER is so much more excited by Smackdown. THESTINGER does not care much for Randy Orton but Randy Orton has helped make Mark Henry into a monster and is giving Cody Rhodes a great opportunity. He is even making Wade Barrett, someone THESTINGER does not really care about, into a viable threat. Orton is still the big guy on Smackdown but THESTINGER can see any of those other guys winning a tough (and excellent) match against Orton. THESTINGER thinks that Orton has come a long way from being Smackdown’s version of boring Cena.
Twitter annoys THESTINGER. THESTINGER does not understand thetwitter. The only thing THESTINGER likes about wrestling twitter is seeing Daniel Bryan and Evan Bourne be extremely leftist on thetwitter. THESTINGER is a proud socialist and is glad to see fellow wrestlers share those views.
THESTINGER agrees with a lot that has been said. THESTINGER is not opposed to The Rock coming back but feels that people that are so over and so indestructible should likewise leave and make special appearances. THESTINGER does not like what John Cena does to other wrestlers and does not believe that other wrestlers come out better for being with him (CM Punk was the exception). THESTINGER believes that if Cena were to leave and come back a few times a year that his fans would still be happy and it would give other wrestlers a decent chance. By not having such a dominant guy like Cena it would also make the disparity between the belts not seem as bad and give a lot more weight to the US Championship and Intercontinental Championship. No one believes Dolph Ziggler or Cody Rhodes (two of their best young talent) could beat Cena but if Cena is gone and it is people like Punk / ADR / Mark Henry / Sheamus / Orton going for the top belts THESTINGER believes that those with the second tier belts could be credible threats to those with the top belts.
THESTINGER would like to close with one thought that has been bothering him lately. THESTINGER does not like to see wrestlers bury other wrestlers by attacking their gimmick. THESTINGER knows that ADR is not a billionaire aristocrat and that he rents cars, but when Cena or someone attacks him gimmick it just hurts ADR and doesn’t make Cena look any better. His fans will like him and those that don’t (like THESTINGER) will have more proof to point to that he’s a bully.
THESTINGER feels that by sniping someone’s gimmick it only hurts that person. In a good match THESTINGER knows from experience that both wrestlers come away looking better. Everyone should be there to build up everyone else instead of tearing them down.
THESTINGER even wants people to lay off the despicable John Cena. Stop attacking his gimmick, just try to do your own thing. THESTINGER hopes that someone like The Miz (a great talent) will never attack The Undertaker’s gimmick and do his “Really? Really?” bit about him being immortal or dead or whatever.
I think that after whatever Rock does at Wrestlemania, he deserves a slow clap. After the dramatic pin, everyone in the audience is dead silent. Then one brave soul puts his hands together. Then another. And so on until utter pandemonium ensues. Could there be a better way to recognize his lifetime achievements?
@Brandon: Does Melina look as bad in person as she does in that picture of yours? Time has not been kind to her.
zack ryder is getting PAID. so good for him. i might buy the mark henry shirt, but i would prefer the weightlifter elephant logo instead of vengeance poster. i missed the first hour but i guess i didnt miss anything.
Speaking of racist comments The King thinks all Mexicans are annoying “i think that Ricardo Rodriguez guy is as annoying as Vickie Guerrero” is an actual phrase that came out of his mouth.
Loved Rock’s narrative of his day at the start, that deserved a Best. The rest I could have done without although i did actually LOL when I checked twitter after Raw and saw Cena’s Lady Parts at #4 lame tiff between them but funny real world result none the less.
[www.youtube.com]
Nobody in the company is above being a mysoginist homophobe, but then again they are wrestlers and they are supposed to have rough edges and offend.
Brandon, thanks to your Vintage Promos series, I feel confident in saying that after Raw, Awesome Truth got turned into the Mulkeys. Only question, come Survivor Series, will Rock/Cena be more Midnight Express or Gladiators (I hope Gladiators)
“In either case, I guess I’ll never know what the Gaping Maw of Infinity smells like, but I’m willing to bet it smells like barbeque sauce!!!
Nope. It smells like Mae Young’s cooch.
Which smells like Mark Henry’s hand. Junior.
I watched High Noon. This was not High Noon. This was bad.
Michael Cole is not B(eing) A Star. :(
OK so that was amazing, but i wouldnt let the guy from page one write anymore, bc one page made me laugh more than 7 of yours! Keep up the good work
First of all, LOVE your Zelda hoodie.
2. Mick Foley looks great, it’s good to see him, but the “This is Your Life” segment died a painful death the last time he did it and should never have been resurrected this time. Much like the Rock and all his catchphrases and whatnot, some things do not age well.
3. That said, I did like the Rock’s Goldberg homage–but WTF is with the facial hair? That just screams “trying to be like all you hip young dudes but in reality looking about twenty years too old”. Someone get that man a razor.
4. Seconding the “Daddy Cena replacing Michael Cole” comment–I would actually watch Raw again to see that. Also, Cena’s reactions to his dad were indeed priceless, and I would love to see him dealing with the parental embarrassment.
I really thought the Cole challenge was gonna be The way for JR to return full-time, and for Cole to become a front-of-the-camera character. I knew it was gonna suck, but I really thought there was going to be a payoff. Especially after having to wait three weeks for it. I actually expected resolution.
I’m a dumbass.
I hate that watching the WWE makes me feel this way.
You people are not that smart.. The Rock has a bald head and a beard because his filming the new Gi-Joe movie and thats the way the character in which he plays is supposed to look, NOT because he wants to look like Goldberg or Stone cold.. And if you dont like WWE then simply stop watching it… No one put any type of guns to your heads (at least i wouldnt think they would) And i dont get you people.. You ask for Zack Ryder to get Tv time, and when he does its now a problem.?? The Rock obviously didnt come back for the money he did it for the ungreatful fans like you all.. Is the Rock doing anything different than what Stone Cold has been doing for over five years now?? But unlike Stone Cold, hes actually competing in two pay per views.. My point is, is that the WWE is only doing what they thought you all wanted to see.. And if not for Rock you all wouldve been seeing John Cena in every WWE Title match all year long.. Just like we have been seeing since 2005… If the younger talent cant do it, Bring in the Old one to put them over… And i for one do not wanna see a Dolph Ziggler vs a Santino type match all the time.. I rather watch “Fish Hooks” (by the way i hate Fish Hooks)
Oh, And i think THESTINGER should Shut THe Hell Up!!!!!