The key words here are “and other devices”.

Houston Astros’ outfielder Jordan Schafer has been arrested in Florida and charged with felony possession of marijuana.

According to an arrest report from the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s office, Schafer was arrested early Tuesday morning in Tampa after a traffic stop and was released on a $2,000 cash bond. It wasn’t clear if he had an attorney.

A police report says that black Land Rover driven by Schafer with its windows open pulled up next to a police car. Police say officers noticed a strong marijuana smell and saw Schafer smoking a marijuana cigarette.

Baseball players are doing drugs! Here at The Dugout we try to approach each breaking news bit about pro athlete substance abuse with dignity and respect, especially if we’ve never heard of the player, and pending that player not being Manny Ramirez or someone whose wife-beating bullsh*t makes us too sad for jokes. I don’t even think Jordan Schafer’s parents know who Houston Astros outfielder Jordan Schafer is, so here’s a rundown of exactly what happened when he was arrested. And yes, the part about him having weed peanut butter cups is real.

The Dugout

	** Online Host ** Welcome to the Routine Traffic Stop Outside Of A The Cheesecake Factory Chatroom!
	LadyCop: /taps on window
	ElectricShafer: uhhhhhhhh /rolls down window
	LadyCop: jesus, son, it smells like Tim Lincecum’s asshole in your car, did you piss in a bong on your way over here
	ElectricShafer: naw mam
	LadyCop: I see you’re wearing a baseball cap. You play for the Braves?
	ElectricShafer: naw mam naw I do not at i just bought this hat because it match my shirt
	LadyCop: okay, good, because I don’t have great luck with baseball players
	ElectricShafer: i play for the houston astros
	LadyCop: What is that
	ElectricShafer: the uh, it’s a baseball team
	LadyCop: lol yeah right, what kinda seventies ass baseball squad named after damn outer space licence and registr-
	LadyCop: /glares
	ElectricShafer: /smokes dope
	LadyCop: you know I can see you, right
	ElectricShafer: aw shiit i forgot how eyes work /hastily tries to put it out by sucking cold end as hard as possible
	LadyCop: ugh, give it to me /takes marijuana cigarette now, license and-
	ElectricShafer: /eyes peanut butter cups in passengers seat
	LadyCop: i swear to the god I will pull out my night stick and cop your ass half to death through this window if you move
	ElectricShafer: ok sorry mam i just need to eat some snacks to relax
	ElectricShafer: glahhhhh /eats peanut butter cups
	LadyCop: they had weed in them, didn’t they
	ElectricShafer: i’m sorry officer i admit it, i am a doer of dope, i do dope
	ElectricShafer: i do it all the time, its so good
	LadyCop: I’ve heard of weed brownies, but weed peanut butter cups? Aren’t you getting like, weirdly specific?
	ElectricShafer: i got a plastic bag full of sh*t i made with dope in the back of the rover, look, dope peanut butter cups, dope pb+j, coconut cake with extra dope
	ElectricShafer: i like to go to jamba juice an order a 16 strawberry whirl and take it home, dump out all the strawberry whirl, fill the cup with dope and then eat the cup
	ElectricShafer: in fact i credit dope cup as one of the only reasons i’m still here living today, you know
	ElectricShafer: because "bullies"
	LadyCop: yeah I’ve shot you like three times already and you haven’t noticed
	LadyCop: You been drinking tonight?
	ElectricShafer: yes mam but only one beer
	LadyCop: how big was the one beer
	ElectricShafer: normal size but i emptied ilke six pixie stix in it injected the can with hgh, rubbed the outside with the clear an then shook that shti up
	LadyCop: let me guess, you got a funny name for that
	ElectricShafer: no but it is extremely hard to hold an now my brain is bloody
	LadyCop: ok, well, you admitted to drug use and possession but since you’re a white male all I can do is say "stop it" once, in a quiet voice
	LadyCop: stop it
	ElectricShafer: still pretty loud, honestly
	LadyCop: what are you doing with your life exactly though, I gotta ask
	ElectricShafer: i’m in the midst of a josh hamilton thing, where i do a bunch of drugs an f**k up my baseball career an then
	ElectricShafer: an then i don’t remember, but i do it
	ElectricShafer: /beer bongs an entire big thing of dope
	LadyCop: oh man if you were black right now
	LadyCop: Anyway, you’re free to go, have fun playing for the Houston Astros.
	ElectricShafer: uhhh on second thought could you take me to jail

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