Best: lol morrison
I don’t have another video game soundtrack lined up, but watch the ending to this match.
I don’t want to turn into that “I wore my Randy Orton Sucks shirt to Raw and booed Randy Orton and got my whole section to boo Randy Orton and then Randy Orton walked over and stared at me and I stared back at Randy Orton and now I have newfound respect for Randy Orton and think he’s awesome” guy who sends in reports to Rajah or whatever, but the most fun I had last night was booing John Morrison. Kids go nuts cheering for John Cena. They chant CM Punk nonstop. They ACT like they like John Morrison, who is clearly #1 Of, but they just kinda sit and watch him and occasionally go “come on JOHN!” They don’t really care when he loses. That’s probably not a great sign.
I got into it with some of them, starting when I yelled THAT’S IT PIN HIM after the first move of the match. That pisses kids off something FIERCE. Eventually I just kinda booed him and yelled about how he was gonna lose, which got tons of anonymous kids from around me yelling things like SHUT UP YOU SUCK, because if WWE has taught kids anything it’s that “you suck” is a catch-all insult for any problem you have with someone. I want a gimmick where a WWE fan yells YOU SUCK at a wrestler and the wrestler invites them into the ring to explain why. If the response ever once involved something other than “you’re gay”, “[different wrestler] is better”, “[wrestling catchphrase]” or another “you suck” I’d eat my f**king shoe.
Eventually John Morrison lost, and those kids went home knowing I’m right.
Best: Also, Wade Barrett Is Here!
Oh hey, a decent use of the “Super Show” thing besides “Cody Rhodes and Christian are here” for once! Wade Barrett still rules, and his running kick in the ropes followed by a kissing taunt is wonderful. Barrett is the choice of true wrestling intellectuals, a fact shared with us via Twitter, then via picture-in-picture info graphic relating to Twitter on screen, and I agree. If I got put in charge of WWE, the first story I’d write is Barrett realizing he lost control of everything and rebuilding the Nexus, because a lot of those guys are good and dying (Justin Gabriel, Wellness Violated Heath Slater, Skip Sheffield under whatever name they’re giving him when he returns) and one of them is Daniel Bryan.
The second story I’d write is Mickie James coming back and being my best friend. I’ve already gotten that one written out, you can find it if you search my fic archives.
Worst: Shouldn’t That Botch Have Hurt Exactly As Much As Wasteland
John Morrison jumped high into the air and landed on Wade Barrett’s shoulders for a moment before falling off and landing on the mat. That wasn’t the planned finish, so Barrett picked Morrison up, hoisted him high on the air, held him on his shoulders for a moment, then made him fall off and land on the mat. Whatever, you should’ve just sat out with that sh*t, Wade, call it Wasteland ’11. Kawada wouldn’t pick a dude up and try to powerbomb him again, he’d just paralyze him and roll with it.
Worst: Michael Cole, Graduate Of The Chris Jericho School Of Comedy
Here’s a list of the 5 things I hate most about wrestling.
1. Photoshop jokes
2. Birthday parties
3. Owen voices
4. Rob Van Dam
5. El Generico’s blue mask not matching his blue pants
Numbers one and two have exceptions (Maxine photoshopping Hornswoggle’s head onto a picture of somebody rawdogging the Bella Twins, Aaliyah’s birthday and possibly Silkk the Shocker’s), but number one is almost always the worst, especially when WWE does it. It wasn’t funny when John Cena put Heath Slater’s face on “the Wendy’s chick” (you mean WENDY?), it wasn’t funny when Jericho played Classic Concentration and it really wasn’t funny when Michael Cole decided to “embarrass” Jim Ross by photoshopping him into a Coppertone ad.
A note to present and future WWE writers: If you write the phrase “photoshop joke” on the dry erase board, pick up the dry erase board, throw it through a window, then jump to your death from that window.