Best: lol morrison
I don’t have another video game soundtrack lined up, but watch the ending to this match.
I don’t want to turn into that “I wore my Randy Orton Sucks shirt to Raw and booed Randy Orton and got my whole section to boo Randy Orton and then Randy Orton walked over and stared at me and I stared back at Randy Orton and now I have newfound respect for Randy Orton and think he’s awesome” guy who sends in reports to Rajah or whatever, but the most fun I had last night was booing John Morrison. Kids go nuts cheering for John Cena. They chant CM Punk nonstop. They ACT like they like John Morrison, who is clearly #1 Of, but they just kinda sit and watch him and occasionally go “come on JOHN!” They don’t really care when he loses. That’s probably not a great sign.
I got into it with some of them, starting when I yelled THAT’S IT PIN HIM after the first move of the match. That pisses kids off something FIERCE. Eventually I just kinda booed him and yelled about how he was gonna lose, which got tons of anonymous kids from around me yelling things like SHUT UP YOU SUCK, because if WWE has taught kids anything it’s that “you suck” is a catch-all insult for any problem you have with someone. I want a gimmick where a WWE fan yells YOU SUCK at a wrestler and the wrestler invites them into the ring to explain why. If the response ever once involved something other than “you’re gay”, “[different wrestler] is better”, “[wrestling catchphrase]” or another “you suck” I’d eat my f**king shoe.
Eventually John Morrison lost, and those kids went home knowing I’m right.
Best: Also, Wade Barrett Is Here!
Oh hey, a decent use of the “Super Show” thing besides “Cody Rhodes and Christian are here” for once! Wade Barrett still rules, and his running kick in the ropes followed by a kissing taunt is wonderful. Barrett is the choice of true wrestling intellectuals, a fact shared with us via Twitter, then via picture-in-picture info graphic relating to Twitter on screen, and I agree. If I got put in charge of WWE, the first story I’d write is Barrett realizing he lost control of everything and rebuilding the Nexus, because a lot of those guys are good and dying (Justin Gabriel, Wellness Violated Heath Slater, Skip Sheffield under whatever name they’re giving him when he returns) and one of them is Daniel Bryan.
The second story I’d write is Mickie James coming back and being my best friend. I’ve already gotten that one written out, you can find it if you search my fic archives.
Worst: Shouldn’t That Botch Have Hurt Exactly As Much As Wasteland
John Morrison jumped high into the air and landed on Wade Barrett’s shoulders for a moment before falling off and landing on the mat. That wasn’t the planned finish, so Barrett picked Morrison up, hoisted him high on the air, held him on his shoulders for a moment, then made him fall off and land on the mat. Whatever, you should’ve just sat out with that sh*t, Wade, call it Wasteland ’11. Kawada wouldn’t pick a dude up and try to powerbomb him again, he’d just paralyze him and roll with it.
Worst: Michael Cole, Graduate Of The Chris Jericho School Of Comedy
Here’s a list of the 5 things I hate most about wrestling.
1. Photoshop jokes
2. Birthday parties
3. Owen voices
4. Rob Van Dam
5. El Generico’s blue mask not matching his blue pants
Numbers one and two have exceptions (Maxine photoshopping Hornswoggle’s head onto a picture of somebody rawdogging the Bella Twins, Aaliyah’s birthday and possibly Silkk the Shocker’s), but number one is almost always the worst, especially when WWE does it. It wasn’t funny when John Cena put Heath Slater’s face on “the Wendy’s chick” (you mean WENDY?), it wasn’t funny when Jericho played Classic Concentration and it really wasn’t funny when Michael Cole decided to “embarrass” Jim Ross by photoshopping him into a Coppertone ad.
A note to present and future WWE writers: If you write the phrase “photoshop joke” on the dry erase board, pick up the dry erase board, throw it through a window, then jump to your death from that window.
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“… you’re completely full of the most rancid kind of stupid sh*t and you should stop watching television. Not just wrestling, television. Go to the library and sit still until you asphyxiate.”
Wow, just wow. And a Pickwick Papers reference. Bravo, sir.
The prize should go to UU just because of that fat dog in the avatar
I got excited for the CM Punk show but since then it’s become the HHH show. Will Punk ever get his revenge on Nash or is that just all forgotten?
Things that need to happen next week.
1. Sam the Eagle and Dolph Ziggler waxing poetic about the United States Championship
2. The Sweedish Chef and Hornswaggle debating #OccupyWallstreet
3. Sweetums arm wrestling the Big Show
4. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew operating on HHH’s broken neck
5. Statler and Waldorf commentating on the JR/Michael Cole Challenge
6. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem playing at the DiBiase Posse Tailgate.
No love for the incredibly incompetent backstage “security staff”? The only thing that made the 25 minute long opening sequence worthwhile (other than the fact that it looks like HHH/Nash will at least be quarantined on the Survivor Series card and not infect anything else with its pointless nostalgia stench) was the two guys initially tending to HHH after he “fainted” – one immediately started talking into the collar of his shirt, and the other one who thought the best way to get HHH medical attention was to shout “PARAMEDICS!!” over and over again.
Pure genius.
I know it’s wrestling and I’m not supposed to take it seriously but who lets in Nash carrying a sledgehammer? Did they think he was a construction worker?
I agree strongly with one point…aside from just kind of *seeming* like a d-bag, is John Lauriaitis really that bad of a boss? He gave Punk another title shot, and Punk didn’t have to join the KMA Club to get it. Is that really so demeaning to tell someone you respect him? Shoot, I wish my boss were that reasonable when I ask for 15 extra minutes of lunch break, when I need to run to CVS.
P.S. Great report, always. I really enjoy reading them.
Alicia Fox going over is so dumb i dont even know if its worth saying how dumb it is. Its just so self evident.
True fact, i read her name like a minute ago, and decided to post this comment, and still had to go back and look up her name. She is that memorable. Despite that awesome match with the chick who bangs JoMo. And everyone else, allegedly.
I mean i get the strategy, its actually kinda genius and i do love that they seemingly have a booking strategy, but its a waste of Nattie, at least the second best Diva they have. They are putting the other women over Nattie, then have them lose in competitive matches vs Beth, and thus elevating the roster, and keeping Nattie looking strong due to her association with Beth and the fact she is just so clearly a cut above that she wont ever look like a jobber even though she hasnt won a singles match since the Divas of Destruction were formed.
Now they just need to give the rub to actual talent like the chickbusters over Alicia who probably should have been endeavoured during the last cut cycle.
i havent read yet, but i just wanna say that i thought Beth Phoenix looked damned good last night in that sparkley dress.
Why can’t bad guys be credible?
Nobody thought Rhodes/Christian would beat Sheamus/Orton.
Miz/Truth can’t beat Cena in a 2 on 1 match so they’re fucked when The Rock is with him.
Like you said, Ziggler needs Swagger’s help for Santino? WTF
At least Del Rio was booked strong at Vengeance (though it was back and forth booking for him before that) and Henry is dominant. Can’t wait til Brodus Clay comes in.
Can someone fill me in as to what Laurinaitis’ job title is? Not sure if I’ve heard it enough.
Thanks Brandon for lowering my expectations or rather I should say preparing me. I got tix this morning for my wife and I to go to Smackdown! Supershow tonight in Houston. Having not been to a televised wrestling event since like WCW Nitro back in ’99. I needed some of that to prepare me for the dumb shit I know I will experience tonight. I know going in I’m not going to see (random technical wrestling event reference that I don’t have enough knowledge to reference) but, I just want to be entertained for a few hours for $20.
They wanted to charge me $9 for will call tix. What the shit is that!?? The whole point of will call is so I don’t have to pay a fee to print them or have them mailed to me. I had to pay $5 for something called “Flash Seats”. What ever…
Is it weird that I wore my La Parka mask at a Texans game and won’t at a wrestling show?
As far as RAW, I could not believe long it took them to do 2 sledgehammer spots. The ain’t Heroes…lets get the show on the goddamn road people.
I’m sick of hearing Funkhouser announce his credentials every time he speaks. You’ve been on the show for MONTHS, we know who you are. And yes, the Twitter mentions on air has gotten way out of hand.
That kid in the WE HATE CENA shirt has no balls. He should have been screaming in Cena’s face, not posing for the camera.
So what, I’m immature. I laughed at work at that .gif of Cena’s mouthgasm (patent pending) for like 10 minutes. Great report as always Brandon. I’m glad you mentioned the Ryder nodding thing too. That was almost as funny as when Bobby Heenan said that Mary Janetty was trying to jump through that barber shop window.
first Zapp Brannigan and now a Arkham City refrence? i love you Brandon.
Thanks for the post-Raw update Brandon, I thought Cena just rolled over and went to sleep.
Damn I only knew Philip Lafond as Philip Lafond not Danny Kroffat. Stomped me finally.
I’m so sick of Laurinitis. Not in a “God, he’s such a good villain” way, either. At this point, he’s starting matches just so he can walk out and go all, “STOP THIS MATCH. I’M THE EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT OF TALENT RELATIONS. I’M THE EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT OF TALENT RELATIONS. I’M THE INTERIM MANAGER. IN CASE YOU FORGOT, I’M THE EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT OF TALENT RELATIONS.”
At least Vickie and Miz repeat stuff that makes sense. Reiterating your job title != creating cheap heat.
Cena’s lead-up to saying “The Rock” is EXACTLY Dan fuckin Brown’s lead-up to saying “Anti-matter”, and I absolutely HATE me some Dan Brown.
As someone who spent my Monday night drinking my feelings and watching the Ravens shit every bed in the house, I did not watch RAW. With no context whatsoever, that screenshot of Nash and HHH on the first page was hilarious.
Oh, and thumbs up on the Sporcle reference. Every time I’m done with a quiz I end up thinking, “Shit, I know I typed Primo!”.
I have a confession to make: I got back into wrestling because of your recaps. That being said, John Laurinaitis reminds me of the actor who played Matt Damon’s dad in Ocean’s 13.
They say the best way to become a great actor is to work alongside other great actors. Triple H is clearly taking this advice to heart going from Wesley Snipes to the girl from Modern family to Michael Rappaport and now on to Kevin Nash, star of The Punisher and The Longest Yard. Somebody put this guy in the Expendables 2 already.
I don’t understand the Johnny Ace character…is he really that dull and bad at the action portion of the job? I would think he’d be a little better.
Also it is probably bad that the WWE thing I am most excited for is a video game. Not 40 minutes of Kevin Nash and Triple H in 2011.
I’m going to be honest I vaguely remembered most of RAW because it’s becoming painstakingly obvious that the WWE can just not follow up a good show with another good show. From everything I’ve read and the people I talked to the only people who thought Vengeance stunk were Cena marks enraged he didn’t win. Unfortunately 70% of my gender associates their favorites losing as making a PPV bad.
Everyone was looking forward to night and I know I was pumped and then HHH came out and I wanted to do nothing more than take a fucking nap, but nothing pissed me off more then Dolph and Ryder.
Dolph’s performance at Vengeance was great, he had multiple matches, he retained, and he came out looking strong. Ryder lost, in a match where he looked so excited I thought he was going to pop a boner in Dolph’s eye. So…come RAW Ziggler can barely beat Santino only to get scared off by a dude who can barely walk across the ring without stumbling and Ryder gets to almost Main Event RAW? Lol, no.
Commented once already. Got to this part:
“I also feel like they should feud him with the fake Sin Cara just so we can have Negro lose to a Great White, and Gatsby can stand on one side of the arena staring at a flashing green light on the other.”
…and laughed so hard I had to comment again.
John Morrison #1 Of is the new John Cena gay
That Zack Ryder gif really needs a caption, i.e.
*thinks about Jager Bombs*
or some smarky reference.
That whole bit about Trending Topics and multitasking couldn’t be more true. I cannot watch any current WWE production without having something else going on. How did this happen? How did we go from me happily paying $45 for the first time in a decade to watch Money in the Bank to me barely registering that another match was taking place involving Alicia Fox?
The fact that it went ten pages and ended on far and away the best vignette of all (re: Dos Caras mask) made it that much more worthwhile to give Uproxx 10 page views or whatever reason I need to click 10 times to read one story. (Of course, the fact that I click 10 times to read one story must mean I enjoy said story).
Apart from my muppet fanboy post, I wanted to say, nice write-up, great picture of a crappy sign (a personal request), and I fell asleep during the MAIN EVENT!! You aren’t supposed to be bored by the main event. Also, CM Punk sucks now, as you’ve been saying. I’m coming to your side, B, on this issue.
I do find it hilarious that you want Johnny Ace to break it off in Punk’s ass at this point. I don’t know, I’m not as down on him as you are (nor am I as big a fan of him as you are, really) but I can’t deny that Punk as #2 babyface is no damn fun.
Only the Muppets could make me want to watch Raw–and the only thing I will be waiting for with more gleeful anticipation than that is reading your B&W of said Muppets on Raw.
The absolute worst thing about Cena choosing the Rock as his “surprise partner” was for the whole show they kept advertising how Rock was going to be competing at Survivor Series. I don’t have a joke here.
@twerp – In that case, Michael McGillicutty negro is the new John Morrison #1.
And for the love of God, the friggin sledgehammers. Why use the one goddamn thing that you can’t even pretend to swing the way you actually would? You don’t bring out a flamethrower unless you want to set shit on fire.
Aside from Nash and Ayches, this wasn’t bad. Seeing as how Punk never even mentioned the match from Vengeance, and Cena was focused on Miz and Truth, I’m almost wondering if they’re realizing the HHH garbage is taking on water and they’re getting everyone else away from it. BAHAHAHA just kidding they’re definitely not doing that.
The Triple H/Nash thing couldn’t possibly be worse. It’s so dumb I can’t stand it. I was expected a reboot after Vengence, but it’s like they did a system backup a couple months ago so they can’t go back any further, so we just have to start here and there’s nothing we can do about it. The only problem is that there was a virus when they backed up the system, so rebooting means we’ve still got the virus and they don’t have anything installed to fix it.
I didn’t mind Punk last night, but I see where you’re coming from. I don’t think Johnny Ace is bad, he’s just an uncomfortable goof ball. Punk doesn’t really have a reason to hate him other than the fact that he’s the guy in charge, so it really doesn’t make much sense.
Anyway, great write up and you should just give me the gift card since I’m probably the only Indians fan that reads this/entered the contest.
Yes, I’m here for the AJ.
Can John Cena please show some signs of being mortal? I understand that you don’t really want the guy who generates a lot of little kid hype to lose, but the fact that he has Final Attack attached to Phoenix all the time is annoying.
The kid getting a Dos Caras mask is the most just ending of them all. That is just the best.
funny stuff. wwe live events are always an adventure. in my experiences the merch stand is the center of hell. if with leather ever opens an e-shop, I want to buy the “John Morrison #1 Of” shirt.
Man I have the CM Punk ice cream shirt and even I’m getting tired of him. Am I supposed to be cheering for him? His week-to-week behavior is incomprehensible. But at least I don’t groan when he comes on screen. Triple H and Kevin Nash, however …
“I don’t like Katy Perry and I have only a passing interest in the Harlem Globetrotters so I’ve never had to park here, which is great, because apparently you can’t park here,”
Immediately made me think of this: [www.youtube.com]
So I’ve figured out why these posts are frustrating to me. Don’t get me wrong, I read them (and enjoy them) every week. But you made the comparison to Godfather; you’re right, this is definitely not the Godfather. 80% of wrestling fans are kids or idiots (I’m not a kid. I MAY be an idiot) so dumb-downed sh*t works. Its like doing a Best & Worst of Looney Toons…
Worst: Physics 101
So Bugs puts his finger in Elmer’s shotgun and instead of losing his hand, Elmer gets a big dose of backfire. AND WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THIS?!!?!?!
If you analyze wrestling like this, 80% of it is gonna be a Worst. I prefer to embrace the idiocy.
Ok I’m done now. Keep up the good work (honestly, I really enjoy this column).
I remember at Wrestlemania 21, I somehow got my section to start chanting “Hogan Sucks” with me when Hulk Hogan came out to rescue Eugene from Muhammad Hassan. Though the main reason I did it was just to piss off little kids, and the best part about it was noting how many people that were cheering just moments ago for Hogan joined in just because being part of something is fun. I don’t go to live shows much anymore because I don’t want to remind myself that I have anything in common with the type of people that go to live shows. example: the people doing the What chant. Great post as always.
Punk is Aitch’s skinny-fat little buddy, B.
If I read BaWoR in public spaces I start shaking with laughter to the point that people look at me with great confusion. So good job.
I love Sheamus, but wow, the WWE seems hell bent on making it hard for me to feel good about that. Sure, he is a hoss who clubs the shit out of people and stoically says things like, “I’ll foight ‘em,” but his uranage back-breaker trademark move is named after a euphemism for having a bottle cap dick (The Irish Curse) and he is now introduced with a name that makes him sound like he’d definitely be a Mel Gibson’s favorite wrassler.
Also, say what you want about the opening segment, but this is fucking glorious:
[24.media.tumblr.com]
Not too far in, but StubHub guy breaks my heart, while said heart is also warmed by Army lady. I wanna cry and smile at the same time.
The crying is mostly from getting emotional about wrestling tickets. Jesus.
Nice job, funny as usual. The “sledgehammer match” at Survivor Series should be great!
HHH and Cena should have a match where they take turns reading dialogue from Shakespeare. No violence against the other, but they have to sell the dialogue. So, when HHH says “Now is the winter of our discontent”, Cena has to grab his shoulder and sell pain. Then, when John fires back with “Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry”, HHH blades on camera.
That, or they just keep doing what they are doing. Whatever, I have beer.
The promise of potentially winning money could not make me sign up. Urging you to give up this nonsensical recap business and simply write what *should* have happened instead did.
Seriously, the mental image of Wade Barrett bursting out from under all those chairs just about made sitting in a fucking mall food court on my lunch break bearable. And the Ted Dibiase segment you wrote last night was ten times funnier than all the nerdy references in every other column combined. I had tears running down my face.
Just got home from Smackdown! Super Show. No spoilers, just some census type observations:
80% of the crowd was ethnic.
There was a 3 kids for every 1 adult.
Only ethnic people buy replica belts and bring them to shows.
90% of the crowd is brainwashed by WWE.
All in all I had a decent time. The 18 black people behind me had almost no idea who anyone was and talked about DX a lot. Everyone that came out was, “that nigga” and Kofi Kingston was, “that black nigga”. They lost their shit when Randy Orton mighty morphined into the Viper. Which in my opinion is the most retarded thing in the entire company.
Oh and in case yall didn’t watch NXT, Derrick Bateman proposed to Maxine in the ring after his match. She slapped him then they made out. It was weird.
Yay for ethnics and blacks! smh..
Just to let you know – it wasn’t a lady buying Taylor Swift tickets; it was two men.
Brandon,
Great read, as always. I’m a huge Punk apologist (primarily because so little of what he does needs an apologist); however, he’s beginning to grate on me the past three weeks or so – Johnny Ace is no Vince McMahon, so Punk’s attempts at channeling Austin are almost certain to backfire.
@FWM: I did not write that to offend or inflame. If it came across that way then my subtle attempt at humor failed. But, all that was true and I genuinely find stats like that interesting, as a “white”.
Hopefully that Dos Caras match will inspire that child into evolving past Y U NO SEE into taking a pilgrimage to an older Stroud’s place to discuss independent wrestling, lucha and puroesu. At the very least, the kid will google “wrestling masks” one day to figure out whose mask he has, and he’ll go through a small lucha phase before other stuff distracts him from wrestling.
@Keith – It’ll be like Dawson’s Creek, where Dawson steals an old guy’s boat and it turns out he’s a FAMOUS MOVIE DIRECTOR
I just remember seeing the ambulance and thinking: that was nice of them to wait for the commercial.
Needs moar Kaitlyn.
They didn’t wait for the commercial to end. The EMTs were in the front seat singing “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” until Trips was able to mutter “You guys… no pulse.”
@Brandon – Great report as always. Couple questions if you wouldn’t mind indulging me….
1 – Worst finisher currently in the WWE? For me, I can’t choose between Wasteland and the Ruff Ryder.
2 – Why the Rob Van Dam hate?
That was one of the worst RAWs I’ve seen in a while. And they’ve been mostly bad lately.
Is the WWE writing staff aware that the heat you generate from having a douchebag in a suit come out and stop a match is not the kind of heat you want? Nevermind, I know they’re not aware of anything… or if they are, they’ll keep doing it anyway, going ‘lol’ the whole time.
I wonder who’s going to win the Cena/Rock vs. Miz/Truth match.
Thanks for the unrelated but important AJ picture!
Sorry I’m late to this, but I just want to say that the entire page about HHH/Nash is some of the funniest stuff ever included in Best and Worst. Absolutely amazing.
Oh and I also enjoy RVD being part of your top 5 least favourite things about wrestling.
Wow, great job on this report. You should go live more often…highly entertaining. About the kid with the Morrison sign–any chance that was the side he screwed up on and you couldn’t see his final masterpiece? Cuz that posterboard’s mad expensive yo.
You need to get over the Anti-Bullying campaign thing because I think even kids are smart enough these days to know that pro wrestling isn’t real. It’s like the evolved version of the “don’t stuff your friend in to a garbage can and light it on fire AT HOME” campaign from a few years back. They live in a world controlled by physical violence – that’s part of why it’s fun. No matter what they settle things by fighting. They just have to remind some kids that that’s not how things work in the real world, only in the world of pro wrestling.
I read this.
I officially prefer reading your write-up to watching the show. The line about trash bag pants fucking destroyed me.
The will-call stories were just incredible. Texas!
Dave, bring back the JoMo avatar plz
Brandon, how many comments do we have to leave to get you to stand in the will-call line for more TV tapings?
And the worst part of the week, Marysse is gone
I NEED A MAN WHO IS HALF SAMOAN AND HALF BLACK AND A FORMER WWE CHAMPION WITH A MINERAL NAME. This was hands down the funniest thing in the whole article. lol
I’m not sure that it makes sense that a specific generation of wrestling fans adopted the ‘What!’ chant, and now no one can do it because said chant should be left in the past. Like Harvest said above, wrestling fans like to go to shows and yell stuff, which is why I imagine you also yelled stuff.
I don’t like it when people yell and scream for John Morrison either, but it is what it is. Wrestling does not attract the tennis and golf crowds.