Best: Enough Is Enough, And It’s Time For A Change To This Commercial
Improvements to this commercial include:
1. Sheamus, who says one line, but it’s awesome. OY’L FOIT ‘IM!
2. Wrestlers suddenly, randomly wearing dress clothes. Everyone in this commercial looks like a party guest from a Brian De Palma movie. John Cena is wearing a suit (that disappointingly isn’t bright red) and Eve looks like she just cockeye moonsaulted out of the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique.
3. Somebody realized that having the Bella Twins, the most bully characters in modern WWE history, in the “don’t bully” commercial was hilarious and hypocritical.
4. Daniel Bryan is gone, both because he’s going to be turning heel soon and because they didn’t recognize him and forgot he was a wrestler.
5. Evan Bourne being dressed like an Archie character or an AVIATION ENTHUSIAST, I can’t tell, but either one is great.
6. Hahaha yeah I bet David Arquette knows a thing or two about being called names on the Internet.
Best: CM Punk Hates Bullies
CM Punk gets his wish, and is now featured in every dumb K-Mart promotion and Slurpee cup WWE creates. CM Punk doesn’t want you to be a bully. The guy who did this:
And this:
And this
Knows the danger of words. Maybe the Bella Twins weren’t the worst person to be in this commercial after all.
In a related story, unf, I miss you, bald straight-edge Serena.
Worst: Angus T. Jones Doesn’t Give A Sh*t About Bullies
Look at this guy, he’s a teenage millionaire and he could not possibly be less interested in what words do to you. If he cared about words, he wouldn’t have spent the last nine years on “Two And A Half Men”.
Yeah, this kid is definitely a Member.
Best: If I’m In An Austin Jail, What Number Do I Call To Get Released
Oh, okay, and while I’m talking about commercials I don’t know if this airs anywhere outside of Austin, but I need to share it with you.
This is actually part two of a two-part ad that airs during the same break. The first commercial just says FOR JAIL RELEASE CALL SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN then adds AGAIN and repeats it two more times. It actually makes me feel like it’s SUPER IMPORTANT and that I’m going to be in jail soon and need to know who to call for release. Call SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN. SEVEN.
SEVEN.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/1245/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/john-oliver-mick-foley-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/smt2du.jpg-180x170.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/Collllllllllege-World-Series-180x180.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/aj-lee-payback-180x180.png)
Definitely the live version…and I’m keeping an eye out for an “I mark for AJ” sign.
I really enjoyed this week’s episode. My only gripe is that we are still expected to take Swagger and Ziggler seriously Sunday when they got in about 2 offensive moves combined against a popular career jobber the only guy I’ve ever seen who makes Great Khali’s walk seem natural.
Maybe you need to take a break from WWE. I know you say you enjoy it but you spend 7500 words every Tuesday complaining about how much it fucking sucks – which it does.
I tuned in for about 30 seconds last night and realized that the product is just bad. I saw part of the match with the Miz and the big black guy with the man pleaser thru his tongue and the small white dude with the man pleaser thru his lip. All I could think was that this was dumb. The the Miz got the (other) white guy in a reverse chin lock and it frustrated me that he wouldn’t cinch in the choke and finish the fight. I had to keep reminding myself that this was WWE and not MMA.
I tried to get back into wrestling but I just don’t care.
Mason Ryan as Welsh Lenny may be the best reference you have ever made.
First off, page 2 is broken. Just saying.
Anyways, I’m glad someone else is drawing attention to Ziggler’s promo last night because it was AMAZING. He’s going to be a star and it’s going to happen soon. And if it doesn’t, then fuck you WWE.
Also, I think you’re maybe being a little harsh on CM Punk. It’s true. I haven’t really liked much of anything that Punk has done since SummerSlam but I don’t really think it’s all his fault. Right now, he’s working with what the WWE is giving him, which is not much at all. I feel like Punk hasn’t been given some time to talk in weeks. Why is he best friends with Triple H? I bet he could come up with a good reason if we let him. Point is for a long ass time, CM Punk was better than pretty much everyone in the world. So, I’m not ready to turn on him after a couple stagnant months. He’ll turn it around because he’s the best in the world. His t-shirt even says so.
Finally, I feel like this Raw was something that the WWE seems to do constantly. A huge missed opportunity. Take away those Mexican flags on the TitanTron and this show should could have been in Ohio for all I can tell. It’s really baffling to me that it seemed like one of the major reasons the WWE wanted Alberto Del Rio to be champion is for this Mexican tour. And while that probably boasted some ticket sales, maybe, you have this big first-ever Raw in Mexico and Del Rio is barely used. How does that make any sense?
Page 2 was fixed by the time I finished writing that too long of a comment.
@Milkman – That was your computer, guy, page 2′s been fine.
Spectacular. An unadulterated “Restaurant: Impossible” reference on page 2. I wonder what the overlap is for those audiences?
You’ve quite the way with words friend
Oh god I miss bald, straight-edge Serena so much too.
Not enough Restaurant: Impossible references to make me forget that I wasted 2 hours watching this shit.
Pregunta: I never really heard anything that was bat shit crazy about Melina outside of the WWE ring, except she allegedly slept with Batista. What is the real Melina like or stories that are out there to make you portray her as a little bit nuts? When she was around, I had stopped visiting wrestling websites and was on the verge not watching wrestling for a few years. I enjoyed her work (to a point).
A) WWE Logistics: You’re spot on about the beatdowns, but are off with Johhny L. In two weeks he has given WWE fans matches they wanted to see. He also listened to the fans and rehired JR back. He also stood up to Triple H. And he’s the bad guy? He also seems to be making less matches on the fly, making him more organized than any GM over the past 15 years. Just sayin’.
B) “Worst: I Feel Like I’m Already Playing WWE ’12: I agree. I tuned into MNF during this match. I’ve seen this so many times, I could care less. The 5 year old version of myself wants to kick me in the nuts because i remember a time when this would have been a mega hyped match that would be the biggest treat ever. Something different than Savio Vega fighting the Brooklyn Brawler in the main event
C) “John Laurinaitis had a threesome with the Bella Twins.”: Speaking of the Bellas, I noticed the pop the Bella twins got when on screen? I’m telling ya, they improved and they have some charisma. They should be used more.
D) I loved that wrestlerave promo and the whore promo: I’m starting to wonder if they are making Punk the corporate champion and this thing he’s doing right now is just to show how he’s selling out?
E) Worst: Mason Ryan Is … Not Great, Is He?:” I can’t believe I’m saying this, but, he’s no Batista.
F) I can’t believe I’m saying this, but, I miss the brand separations. There really is no more need to have two heavyweight titles.
Dolph Ziggler’s new shirt should just say “HEEL” on it. He’s quickly becoming my new favorite.
You just made me miss Mickie James more.
How about the fact that the Miz led off the Bully Commercial maybe 5 minutes after beating up Punk and needing to be pulled off by a bunch of referees, it was awesome.
In lieu of my usual suck up, atta boy and ass slap I have decided to present what I think Mason Ryan’s gimmick should be. Its still a comment, so youre welcome.
Mason Ryan was formed in a lab by a team of scientists and Fit Finlay trying to genetically manipulate the perfect human male, although things like elocution and diction are strictly forgotten when trying to engineer a perfect male. His team of scientists also had a little extra, so with that run off they made another man, Hornswoggle. Together they are a team of brothers who are trying to dominate the WWE through weak cons, blonds with semi-attractive blonds with bad 80′s hair and stolen cars. And at some point Ryan should poorly sing Yakkity Yak while wearing a towel.
Oh and this show sucked, but did anyone catch ROH this weekend? Hundreds of dead chickens and toothless hillbillies are pro-wrestling
I’m beginning to miss ridiculous costumes and gimmicks. If they’re not going to have even half assed story lines, at least differentiate between one porn-star looking guy by putting some clown make up on him, and a fake arm, occasionally.
Punks finisher is pretty bad too, i mean sure we all love him, but picking a guy up then putting him down and hitting him with ur knee is not only not that bad, but it also doesnt make sense.
“Teddy Long was promoted from Smackdown General Manager And Janitorial Services Specialist to Smackdown General Manager Who Can Make Impromptu Tag Matches On Raw, but only on the fly, and only if he convinces every player to hold on a minute there.”
Absolutely Hilarious
First I’d like to say thank you for the Mark Henry GIF. I asked for it last night on twitter and my prayers were answered.
Second, I’d love it Zack Ryder is Mason Ryan’s George. Cut to Mason Ryan petting the US Title near a river bed, and Zack Ryder puts him out of his misery. I like it
Third, I think the CM Punk thing is going somewhere. I don’t know why I let myself get drawn intto it, but he’s basically aping HHH at this point, and that can’t be by accident. It’s going to have a good pay off, it has to with Punk, right? right?!
*dies at Restaurant:Impossible reference*
Live version, because that is the only way I would actually watch wrestling, assuming “scanning the crowd looking for B” constitutes watching wrestling and not a live version of “Where’s Waldo?” (Do me a favor, and wear a red-striped shirt, ok?)
I want to add two more things.
1. Are we all just going to ignore that the Bella Twins has an INCESTUOUS THREESOME WITH MARTY FUNKHOUSER!
2. Live or TV feed, it”ll be worth reading. But PLEASE do a B/W of homemade signs!
I don’t really have anything poignant to say. Just some lame observations/complaints.
Maybe I’m not savvy enough about Mexican wrestling culture but, I couldn’t pick up that they were rooting for ADR all that much. Cena seemed way more over than Del Rio to me. Which I found flabbergasting. I know Cena’s gonna get a huge pop when his music hits, but I expected the crowd to go nuts when ADR came out and during the match. I guess I just don’t get why anyone over 12 yrs old really likes Cena. What is cool or engaging about his character to them?
As much as I love “Cult of Personality” it does not work as well as a wrestling entrance song as much as “This Fire Burns” by Killswitch Engage. That song always got me pumped for Punk. I miss that.
The Bella Twins in a 3 way with RAW GM Funkhauser is extremely disturbing.
I can’t wait to see Ziggler move up from mid-carder and see what he can do there.
I’d love a Best/Worst of the live experience. It would be a nice, if brief change of pace!
Didn’t watch most of the episode last night cause Madden was calling, so I don’t really know how the ep went. But this is a weekly joy for me, even when you are depressed, so thanks to you.
Also, thanks for the overselling link. It sent me down the YouTube rabbit hole. Best overselling is Batista for Mark Henry. [www.youtube.com]
Southpark had it right. I’m not talking about the ‘rasslin episode either. I’m talking about the one where Stan becomes a cynical asshole and everything looks like reheated shit. That describes the WWE. they can’t let anything evolve organically. They just shove illogical bs down our throats, barely repackaged. I can almost hear Vince in the back screaming, “Fuck you, you’ll watch it anyways.”
I’m gonna keep reading this though. Call me when the shows get good again.
Enjoyed the points on Punk’s elbow, and noteworthy possibly that Bryan is taken out of the commercial.
By the way, how Donkey Kong does Mason Ryan go on Vicki five years ago? She would’ve ended up worse than the Latin Whitney Houston. Bares mentioning that Ziggler’s selling and Ryan’s Conan the Barbarian meshed well.
I couldn’t stand to watch RAW or MNF so I found Kitchen Crashers.. now I’m hooked on the DIY Network.
My DVR screwed up and didn’t tape RAW. I am not terribly upset by this. WWE having Ryder and Swagger go 40 seconds is like having Anthony Bourdain give you a cooking lesson, and then asking him how to properly microwave a Hot Pocket. Just an incredible waste of talent and fuck you.
I just want to sit in on one of those schools that brings in Sheamus to stand in the school gymnasium and educate kids on when ENOFF IS ENOFF. So motivating.
I can then imagine the weeks following, and kids pump-kicking each other into swingsets.
““Teddy Long was promoted from Smackdown General Manager And Janitorial Services Specialist to Smackdown General Manager Who Can Make Impromptu Tag Matches On Raw, but only on the fly, and only if he convinces every player to hold on a minute there.”
….that is amazing.
I haven’t seen the show yet so I’m getting to get caught up before commenting fully but I really enjoyed this article. I’m not sure I agree with you fully on the Punk stuff but I can appreciate how you feel…I am beginning to get that feeling, it just hasn’t got to the level it has with you yet. Still, it sucks.
Also,
1. Whatever works best at the time, but I think talking about the live experience of Raw will be really fun.
2. Please just do the Best and Worst of Mason Ryan. Those are my favourite parts.
wait, so the Bellas/Ace thing isn’t a joke?
Another great week of you making chicken salad out of the chicken shit WWE is forcing on us. Hopefully they start building something of substance for Survivor Series next monday.
You realize the end of August-October means November and THE ROCK/CENA SHOW right? #justsayin
1) I registered JUST FOR YOU. ENJOY THIS REGISTRATION. I hope it gives you some sort of points.
I actually missed this because my fiance managed to set the cable on fire (I do not even know, it is a mystery) but that was ok because I KNEW YOU WOULD WATCH IT FOR ME.
I am also getting mad at C.M. Punk. I hope this is all an elaborate ruse. C.M. Punk is also weird because when other wrestlers have characters that I don’t like I can sometimes pretend that they are still decent people, but C.M. Punk seems like he is always playing close to home. PLEASE DO A NEW HEEL TURN SOON. Maybe he was the anonymous raw general manager all along? I don’t even know, it’s not good. Again, I hope it’s an elaborate ruse, kind of like how I still maintain that Beth Phoenix only said “omg but we are just lil’ girls, fetch my smelling salts” because she was fucking with. Mr. H’s.
At least I still have Alberto del Rio.
@Brandon Do you think you could make some kind of Top 10 List of Japanese wrestlers and Women’s Wrestling matches for convenient reference and education? Thank you.
As the biggest CM Punk fan I know, it’s disconcerting to think that Punk may actually be, as he’d say, a pussy.
Punk’s pre-MitB twitter feed was full of hope and optimism and nerdy references, but today it primarily consists of longwinded, partially kayfabe(?) rants about why his character is the way it is, and being an ass to fans who are disappointed in Triple H’s involvement and ask kindly for a better television show. For years I’ve believed him that what he says on screen is the same he’d say in “real life”, and vice versa, which creates a whole new issue altogether. His good guy persona can’t be of a guy who doesn’t compromise on his beliefs, because he did that either on camera or in real life or both.
My gut feeling is that he’s as upset as the rest of us, but someone planted a seed in his mind that told him it’s only worthy to break the system from within. It’s a great theory, but when Vince McMahon still has final say it won’t work in practice. I just want everyone to shut up, create the American NOAH, and finally be happy.
Next week in addition to the B.A. Star campaign, a new campaign will start in which Kane will speak to the WWE universe about the importance of fire safety.
I got on the phone right after RAW started and kept glancing at the screen hoping that something would gather my attention away from talking… and it never did.
Brandon, you’re an EXCELLENT writer, and again, I commend you for writing as best you could with the material you had… but last night’s RAW was just… horrible. I’m ready for Survivor Series to happen so we can get a mini (or MAJOR) reset headed towards the Road To Wrestlemania.
I think the biggest question I have after reading this write up is when did CM Punk wrestle in a strip club?
a shirt that says EVAN BOURNE – I JUST DID YA DISHES or whatever
I would purchase this item.
Pre-report notes = Dark Notes
Like a dark match, get it? Because they happen at the beginning and junk…
(/shows self out)
I’ve been thinking the same thing about Eve’s moonsault for a while, but you’re wrong– her hands don’t ALMOST hit the ground, they actually do. She lands on her hands and then gently flops over.
FYI, all sevens in NYC calls a car service.
I keep telling myself that all of this is going to lead to Punk wearing a suit. And Punk’s at his best when he’s got a suit on.
Did del Rio forget halfway through his match that the winner chose the stipulation of their fight at Vengeance? What if Cena chose some weird stipulation, like a blindfold match, or a one-hand-tied-behind-your-back match, or even a if-you’re-mexican-you-automatically-lose-the-match match? Of course Cena isn’t clever enough to think of a stipulation that would TRULY give him an advantage, but ADR made a stupid mistake.
It’s weird; ADR is afraid to wrestle on RAW but goes all out for the PPVs. He’s like the complete opposite of TNA.
Lmao @ the Eskimotube referernce.
God I’m torn.
On one hand, I’ll read your takedown of RAW and think “Woo, definitely not the right time to start watching again.”
But then someone will send me a 30 second clip of Mark Henry and Sheamus just going absolutely nuthouse on each other, and I’ll be like “MAN I GOTTA WATCH RAW.”
Hol’ on a minnit, playa…
It’s funny and as well-written as ever, Brandon, but when you go off on the logic (or lack thereof) of character behavior and “good guy”/”bad guy” roles, I can’t help wondering where you’ve been for the last 15 years. WWE has basically been ignoring the standard “face/heel” setup since Steve Austin made everybody run to their dictionaries to look up the word “antihero”.
Look at it honestly – Austin, despite all of the “anti-authority” psychobabble nonsense, was essentially a misogynistic prick who’d thank you for saving him from a beatdown with a beer and a stunner. The Rock isn’t a “good guy”, he’s a cocky, sophomoric dickhead whose catch-phrases we like. Eddie Guerrero took what was initially supposed to be a fairly standard (and borderline racist) “sneaky Mexican” gimmick and turned himself into the first champion who actually got huge pops when he cheated.
The problem with the current setup isn’t that “creative” is ignoring classic “face/heel” archetypes, it’s that they’re not investing in REASONS for guys to break those archetypes. One of the things I recall most fondly about being a wrestling fan as a kid was that moment where the “good guy”, after weeks of beatdowns, questionable losses and trash talk, finally picked up a chair and got a bit of his own back – you knew it wasn’t right, but DAMN it felt good. That’s why the audience popped so big for Kelly Kelly’s “Ralphie” moment on Beth a couple of weeks ago – they’d actually done a halfway decent job of setting K2 up with a REASON to go postal. Cena’s actions at the end of the show COULD have been pretty awesome – if they’d given us any kind of real personal heat in the Cena/Del Rio feud to this point, which they haven’t.
Just my two pesos (MEXICAN WEEK FTW!!)…
Errr…”misanthropic”, not “misogynistic”. Not getting much sleep these days.
Your summary of the power structure in WWE/Raw was top notch. It makes absolutely no sense and if it wasn’t for all the other really stupid things that happened it’d probably be the #1 reason this whole thing sucks.
I feel like they are going for a whole “moral grey area” thing with HHH and Cena beating people up all the time, but it just doesn’t make sense. Moral grey areas can work character wise, but not action wise. The actions need to always be black and white.
The Evan Bourne t-shirt joke made me shoot water out of my nose.
I continue to get way more enjoyment from reading your reviews than actually watching Raw. That is both a positive for the reviews and a huge, steaming negative on WWE.
Sign idea: “@CMPunk feces. dumdum.”
Your reviews are much more entertaining than the shows themselves. they may want to work on that.
That WSS on Jo Mo gif is the highlight of my week.
In a related story, unf, I miss you, bald straight-edge Serena.
I’ll buy that for a dollar. Also, the Teddy Long line absolutely killed me.
Strangely enough, Brandon, in the northeast 777-7777 will get you a cab (at least in CT, the NYC area, most of Jersey, and Philadelphia). “All You Need is 7″ (although I don’t remember the name of the cab company/companies).
Welp, I only watched about half of this episode of Raw and I’m not sure I’ll finish watching. Seemed like another trainwreck, but damn that Ziggler promo was entertaining. As was Swagger getting the cheap heat by lisping his way through the national anthem. I’ve liked Dolph for a while now (I think I really started paying attention to him around the time he started using the sleeper hold as a finisher), but he’s been tearing it up as of late.
The hypocrisy of the WWE airing PSAs for an anti-bullying campaign is downright funny (Piggie James?). I do have to say though, regarding CM Punk yelling at those guys in Australia – the guy was sporting a fauxhawk, so he probably got what he deserved.
For as long as I will live I will never understand the WWE’s POV of screwing the hometown. Is it just so Vince can get his jollys by making the whole arena hate what they are seeing?
Why have JR “fired” just to be brought back the next week? Why have him win a main event match in Mexico where no one cares instead of in a place that would have blown the roof off after the 3 count? I’m not saying that the hometown hero has to always win, but when it makes sense or when you could bring some people back, it would definitely help.
As much as I’m liking Ryder, having him beat Thwagger in record time just took the momentum away from someone you’ve worked so hard to build. Keep him competitive!
Lastly, if Kirk Van Houten comes out one more time tripping his way through “Referee, stop this match…stop this match now….” I may have to do something drastic, like watch TNA.