Brandon and I were trading emails yesterday, discussing our respective regional weather calamities (me = underwater, him = on fire), when he asked if I could help him out with a feature or a couple posts today. I responded, "I'll try to do a feature if I see something worthwhile. I promise. If not I'll probably end up doing something stupid like a series of five posts about my favorite Phillies players and what I think they smell like. (CHASE UTLEY SMELLS LIKE GRITS BEHCUZ HE'S GRITTY!)" I then went to bed laughing to myself about what a funny joke I just told, and tried to think about something that I could turn into a feature.
However, because Brandon is a delightful maniac, not only did he thank me for offering to help, he strongly encouraged me to follow through with my joke idea. So here we are. Instead of just doing Phillies, however, I've branched out to cover the whole major leagues. This is easily the stupidest and/or best thing I've ever done.
[Ed. note -- Be sure to tell us what you think players who didn't make Danger's list probably smell like in the comments section. The best one wins a prize, which will probably be scratch-n-sniff stickers]
Player: Roy Halladay
What I Think He Smells Like: Black coffee and victory
Player: Derek Jeter
What I Think He Smells Like: Integrity and starlet poontang
Player: Jim Thome
What I Think He Smells Like: An uncooked Porterhouse rubbed with sawdust
Player: Nyjer Morgan
What I Think He Smells Like: Brawndo Energy Drink
Player: Alex Rodriguez
What I Think He Smells Like: ALEX Cologne and Bronzer by Alex Rodriguez, based on a scent inspired by Alex Rodriguez
Player: Manny Ramirez
What I Think He Smells Like: Rancid cotton candy
Player: CC Sabathia
What I Think He Smells Like: A chili dog milkshake
Player: David Eckstein
What I Think He Smells Like: 100% pure concentrated heart extract
Player: Johnny Damon
What I Think He Smells Like: Mango scented Panteen conditioner with extra body
Player: Carlos Beltran
What I Think He Smells Like: A Ben-Gay factory that was buried in an Icy Hot avalanche
Player: Kyle Farnsworth
What I Think He Smells Like: Birthday cake and sweat
Player: Brian Wilson
What I Think He Smells Like: Axe body spray brand black spray paint
Player: Tim Lincecum
What I Think He Smells Like: Potent marijuana and Cheeto dust
Player: Chipper Jones
What I Think He Smells Like: Leather flavored Skoal tobacco
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That “birthday cake and sweat” thing is canon, by the way.
I’ve actually smelled Cliff Lee, and he smells like nice cologne and doe urine. /longstory
I feel like Cliff Lee would just smell “plain”, like water.
Hunter Pence: Laffy Taffy and Josta
Adam Dunn: Desperation and a freshly urinated-in bus shelter
Mariano Rivera: whatever the greatest smelling smell of all time is. I’m going to go with bacon.
Ichiro: Soy sauce and Japanese mountain mist
Prince Fielder: Boca Burger and Old Spice Musk
AJ Burnett: Massengil and Drakkar
Big Papi – diamond earings and mango chile chutney.
Joba Chamberlain smells like a Sizzler’s buffet and disappointment.
Joe Mauer: chamomile tea and hospital rooms.
Jose Bautista: Fried plantains and HGH.
JD Drew smells like D batteries.
Russell Martin smells like poutine and Dust
Billy Butler smells like a Wendy’s Baconator and Fruit Stripe gum.
Nick Swisher smells like free gillette swag bro, seriously, smell me bro.
Josh Hamilton – old cocaine and stale bodyshots
Bryce Harper – Burnt cork and soiled diapers
Justin Verlander – a bran muffin
Can we do managers? Because I’m pretty confident that Bobby Cox smells like pine tar soap and tobacco.
@Will Ned Yost smells those things, dismisses them as pussy perfume, and showers once a week in Zest’s “Hard Water” imported from 1994
Barry Zito- One Hundred and Twenty Six Million Dollars worth of zen.
“Joba Chamberlain smells like a Sizzler’s buffet and disappointment.”
OBJECTION! Redundant, your honor.
Carlos Ruiz= churros and well worn mitt
Daisuke Matsuzaka – Pokemon cards and flop sweat