EXT. – Night at
Joe Robbie Pro Player Dolphins Sun Life Stadium
Marc Anthony greets actor Taylor Lautner as Fergie prepares to sing the National Anthem.
Marc: “Taylor, mi amigo. Have you ever considered the power that one man can have when he possesses one percent ownership in a NFL franchise?”
Taylor: *lifts shirt, points to abs*
Marc: “More power than that, cabron. You should join us, Taylor. Become one of the many powerful celebrities that forms the Benetton Voltron that is the Miami Dolphins ownership.”
Taylor: “Abduction hits theaters on September 23.” *lifts shirt, points to abs*
Marc: “Truly, you are the shining estrella of your generation, Taylor. You have my proposal. Join us. But first, we listen to Fergie sing like an American eagle mounting an angel.”
Fergie: (singing) “OH-OHHHHHHH FLAY HARBA DO DEE, FABBA SPLEEE HARBA DAY LIGHT NIGHT…”
Marc: “You were born to spread love, Fergilicious. Majestic.”
Fergie: (singing) “Every roooooose has it’s thoooooorn… no wait, AND THE SPROCKETS FED HAIR TO THE BOMBS FARPLE SNABBY DEEEEEEE!”
INT. – Miami Owner’s Box.
Marc Anthony enters the owner’s box to the cheers of his celebrity friends.
Will Smith: “WELCOME TO TURF!”
Marc: “Amigos, thank you for this wonderful display of friendship. You are all helping me through a very hard time in my life. For once, my armpits are moist with joy. Today I am the God of these people!”
Marc: “Quickly, everyone gather for a picture so I can post this to my new ElMatch.com profile and show people that I have many famous friends. I will put on a Miami Dolphins hat to show that I am an owner invested both financially and emotionally. Sean Kingston, get in this photo so I can tag you as the black Michelin Man.”
Pitbull: “What about me? Does anyone give a crap who I am?”
Marc: “You are 3-feet tall and sound like you breathe Newports. But we love you.”
Will: “Marc, by the power of Lord Xenu, I hope that you and your thetans are flourishing on your birthday.”
Marc: “Gracias, Will. That means very much to me, after the week that we have been through. I appreciate you allowing me to sleep with your wife, Jada, in my time of need. The next time I marry, I will also allow you to sleep with my wife. You are truly an amigo.”
Alas, all was not well on Monday night. Across the country, Marc’s ex-wife, Jennifer Lopez, was also spending time with a friend. She was spending an evening with actor Bradley Cooper.