Finally, a Pirates of the Caribbean Dugout that doesn’t have to be about Pittsburgh.

Philadelphia Phillies star John Mayberry Jr. made headlines this week when he asked his agent to hook him up with Antoinette Nikprelaj, an actress who played a sexy mermaid in Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. I’d be lying if I could tell you which one she is, even with Google image search. From an article in the New York Post:

An agent at CAA’s baseball division, which represents Mayberry, has been firing off e-mails to rival agency Innovative Artists, asking them to “connect” the outfielder with their client, sultry model and actress Nikprelaj.

The story goes on to say that Andy Roddick met Brooklyn Decker when he saw a picture of her and got his agent to talk to her, so I guess “get your agent to e-mail somebody” is the new “bathe her and bring her to me”. As the official archivist for the chatroom of Major League Baseball I can’t hear “a guy on the Phillies wants to do it with a mythological creature” and not share this, so please click through to enjoy today’s Dugout, all about a man with a dream. A really specific, out-of-his-league dream.

The Dugout

	MaybeItsMayberry: hi, I’m a 27 year old 2nd gen professional baseball player who makes 400K a year, I can’t figure out how to get a girlfriend, can you help
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: Sure! Here at the CAA we make introductions or hook up stars with suitable partners.
	MaybeItsMayberry: what does that mean exactly
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: we’re like eHarmony for people who are lazy instead of desperate
	MaybeItsMayberry: ?
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: beards and prostitutes
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: Let’s start from the top: in as many words as possible, describe to me your Dream Woman.
	MaybeItsMayberry: the upper part of her would be a woman, an like the lower part of her would be a fish
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: so, a Mermaid
	MaybeItsMayberry: oh ok i didn’t know that was a actual thing
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: Sure, many of today’s top sports stars are both narcissistic and drugged out of their minds, so often times we find matches by opening up ESPN the Magazine and the D&D Monster Manual on the same table and seeing which pairings would be the funniest.
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: this is how Ryan Howard ended up with a Philadelphia Eagles cheerleader, and why Derek Jeter was recently photographed f**king a Shambling Mound
	MaybeItsMayberry: is he back with mariah carey, i thought she got married
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: who even knows anymore
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: and you’re sure you want the woman part on top, and not vice versa
	MaybeItsMayberry: yeah I want her to be hot, I want to be able to see her hoozits and whats-its galore
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: you want thingamabobs?
	MaybeItsMayberry: i’ve had twenty they’re no big deal
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: the reason I ask is because fish reproduction is tricky; instead of loving human intercourse, the female makes eggs, and you just sorta swing by and fertilize
	MaybeItsMayberry: that’s fine, it’s like sex with any other woman, only backwards
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: how would you describe yourself? /readies Newton
	MaybeItsMayberry: first of all i would tell a lady that I have a .240 career batting average, then i would explain how i’m the type of guy who gets his agent to send e-mails to people to set up dates, because it’s 2011 and my only perspective on women or romance is wanting to put my dick in the magical things i see in movies
	MaybeItsMayberry: i also own 80 fish tanks
	MaybeItsMayberry: i sound a lot like Barack Obama, which is weird
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: so we’ll go with "a great guy, down-to-earth, humble, Stanford-educated, etc."
	MaybeItsMayberry: down-to-earth is great
	MaybeItsMayberry: be sure to mention how i hate looking people in the eye or using the telephone
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: I think that’s included in "great guy"
	MaybeItsMayberry: oh ok sorry
	MaybeItsMayberry: so hey, if this doesn’t work what are my options, i am contractually obligated to make a john mayberry 3
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: you could make a connection with a person in real life, fall in love, treat her like a partner and not like a thing to win
	MaybeItsMayberry: too much work
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: you could ejaculate into one of your fish tanks
	MaybeItsMayberry: also too much work
	MaybeItsMayberry: oh hey look while i’m here i gotta go to the bathroom, is there anything you could do to help
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: sure, dook onto this iPad and I’ll walk over and scrape it off in the toilet
	MaybeItsMayberry: living in the future is great

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