Best: HOLE ON A MINANT PLAYA
Teddy Long has been given executive power by Triple H to show up and intervene when necessary, which is sorta weird because RAW HAS AN ANONYMOUS GENERAL MANAGER WHO HAS NOT SPOKEN UP OR BEEN MENTIONED SINCE BEFORE MONEY IN THE BANK. I’m giving this moment a “best” despite my dislike of Teddy (from years of being a Steiner Brothers fan, if you don’t remember why) because he avoided the most Teddy Long mannerism of all — he said “the four of you outside the ring are going to be in a match against the four of you in the ring” instead of going IT’S GONNA BE … JOHRN CENA! TEAMING UP … WITH SHEAMUS! TEAMING UP, WITH” until he went through everybody individually. That is progress. Unfortunately, Teddy is still buying his clothes from Bruce Bruce’s yard sale.
Worst: Too Bad About Our Scheduled Main Event
Was John Cena talking for 15 minutes supposed to be the main-event of Raw? I’ve always wondered how wrestlers can just walk out and make challenges and get put into situations like this, as though some poor booker is backstage meticulously putting together a fair, balanced sports league only for Vince McMahon to run in, knock a clipboard out of his hands and say JOHN CENA IN A HANDICAP MATCH IN THAT VERY RING and run away. And the guy (who has the voice of Droopy in my imagination) has to pick up a bunch of papers in silence.
All this impromptu business does give us a great reason why guys like Tyler Reks and Curt Hawkins are hanging around backstage … they’re here for their scheduled matches. Tyler Reks is scheduled to face Yoshi Tatsu from 10:20-10:30, Curt Hawkins is supposed to wrestle Mason Ryan from 10:40-10:50. But John Cena stomps out and starts talking, and when it turns 10:21 Reks crumples up his time card and storms away. Hawkins is all “please somebody punch him please somebody punch him” until like 10:38, and then he just sighs and accepts that nobody is gonna punch him. It’s like being a comedian and getting bumped. Wrestling is a real thing that works like a business, right?
Best, But A Little Worst: Elimination Tags At 10:50
Elimination tag team matches, ignoring their tendency to make guys lose to stuff they’d normally kick out of, like getting pinned by the f**king Side Effect or something, are great. They are less great when they start at 10:50 on a show set to end at 11 (11:08, tops) and have two commercial breaks. Also, when they involve John Cena, one other strong superstar and two jerk nobodies against a bunch of B-level bad guys. You just know they’re gonna go the Shawn Michaels at Survivor Series route and have the jerk nobodies get eliminated, causing Cena to go into 100% Power Form and Never Give Up all over everybody.
Best: John Morrison Gets Angle And Benoit’d
Tandem submission holds are the best, and Ziggler and Swagger (team name: Zwaggler) need to get their act together and start teaming regularly so they can make the John Morrisons of the world squeal and tap out to sleeper hold ankle locks. Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle used to do this with the Crippler Crossface and the ankle lock, and since a 7-year old got murdered with one I’m totally okay with the sleeper being subbed in. They should’ve invited Christian in to slowly try to turn everybody over at once for a massive Killswitch, only to get pushed away by three guys, one of whom is being submitted.
Best: Sheamus Is F**king Awesome
Are you cheering for him yet? Because seriously, how can you not cheer for Sheamus right now? Literally his only downside is the “Great White” nickname, which is a misplaced comma away from being the new Self-Proclaimed Silverback. LOOK AT THIS MAN, KING, HE’S SO INCREDIBLY WHITE, ISN’T HE GREAT. That kind of thing. Don’t act like they won’t do it. Vince McMahon is from North Carolina, he knows what I’m talking about.
Also funny is Sheamus having to interact with children to tell him his stories about being bullied. I’m guessing he says he didn’t let it get to him and went on to become a WWE Superstar, and leaves out the ten years of lifting weights and the growth spurt that made him a 6-foot-6 f**king beast. I want one of the kids to go home and have their parents be all “so how was school today”, and for the kid to respond with “it was okay, this great white guy told me to be a store”.
Worst: 2-on-John Cena Is Not a Handicap
Anyone who has watched an episode of Raw in the last five years knew that John Cena was winning this match. Kudos to Ziggler and Swagger (and Cena, a little) for giving him a few believable openings for offense, and bettering La Resistance’s poor asses by suggesting that maybe their hubris cost them their match, not John Cena’s insatiable inability to Give Up. I honestly believe that if the match had been made as John Cean vs. Wade Barrett, Christian, Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler that Cena would’ve won, and that not being an exaggerated statement for comedy is an incredibly, incredibly sad statement about modern pro wrestling. You think he’d win too, don’t you.
Here’s to hoping that next week, Vickie shows up with a posse and they’re all wearing “THE RUDOS OF RAW” t-shirts. And Ricardo Rodriguez is somewhere in the background winking, happily railing a disinterested Brie Bella from behind.