so, again
Best: Kelly Kelly, Master Debater
Most people who read The Best and Worst of Raw regularly probably saw this one coming, and felt it from the moment “Challah (Theme From Kelly Kelly)” played and the Divas champion food-serviced the Divas Championship to the ringside area for special guest commentary. One of Raw’s greatest-ever lines of dialogue occurred during the shouting match between K2 and Natalya:
Natalya: “You’re a sorry excuse for a Divas champion and you need to be educated as well as the WWE Universe.”
Kelly: “You’re a sorry excuse for … bein’ here!”
Cole consistently tried to overshadow and ruin everything by mentioning how Jim Ross loves barbecue sauce every time there was a pause, but it wasn’t enough. I could listen to Kelly as Drunk Leslie Knope attempting to argue talking points without knowing facts or having a point until the end of time, and suggest a WWE.com series where they bring in the world’s most literate minds to discuss things like abortion and health care at ringside with Kelly. I want to hear Congresswoman Louise Slaughter say, “Contraceptives have a proven track record of enhancing the health of women and children, preventing unintended pregnancy, and reducing the need for abortion” and for Kelly to respond with “Contraceptives have a proven track record of you even being here right now”.
And honestly, Kelly isn’t arguing the right points here. The point she should make is “Natalya and Beth say they want to educate the WWE Universe, but all they’ve done in the last month is clap, say they aren’t jealous and lose to me”. The point she makes is “shut up, no you aren’t”. The point she should be making is “I got this job because I’m pretty, but a lot of pretty girls have come and gone since I showed up, and I’m still here and winning championships because I worked hard to improve in the ring, and I think the people see that, and that’s why they support me”. The points she makes are “shut up” and “I worked my butt off to get here”, and I don’t want to overstep the bounds of masculine decency, but I don’t think what Batista did to you was “working your butt off”. Speaking of, I think the only way this commentary track could’ve been funnier and worse is if Randy Orton had been sitting at the timekeeper’s table, and every couple of seconds they cut over to him making a face that said “oh man, THIS whore”.
Best: Vegetables
“The WWE Universe does not know any better, okay? The WWE Universe wants candy, and candy rots their teeth out. Beth Phoenix and I are here to educate the Universe on what is best for them, and it may be vegetables.”
That is such a fantastic quote from Natalya. So fantastic, in fact, that it distracted me from noticing Eve as Sin Cara 3 botching lucha transitions. I love vegetables. I’m vegan, they’re all I eat. As such, my quinoa is KANA, my portabella is Portia Perez and my Del Monte is Del Rey. I’ve lived on this diet for years, and it makes me feel good about myself and enjoy nearly everything I eat. When I ate meat (Lita, in this example) it seemed like the right thing to do, but it just didn’t feel right. Vegetables are the best decision.
Worst: Natalya And Beth Aren’t Really Educating Us On Anything
As a vegan who isn’t trying to get over as a heel with a Lifestyle Society I also recognize that a vegan diet may not be for everyone. People who Twitter about what they grilled or have Facebook photo albums dedicated to thinks like bags of marinade might only be able to understand Lita, and something rough and green like Veda Scott might not sit well in their stomachs. They can be taught to enjoy Veda (because she’s cute, and her promos make her sound like Romy from Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion), but coming right out and saying “you don’t make good lifestyle choices and can’t help it because you don’t know any better” doesn’t come across as facts, it comes across as confrontation, something to be booed.
That’s the bad part of this story. Beth and Nattie should should should should should should be educating the WWE Universe on how women’s wrestling can be as entertaining and valuable as men’s wrestling, because it is 2011 and we really should’ve stopped assuming women aren’t human beings a long time ago. The problem is that they’re approaching it the way they approached CM Punk’s Straight Edge lifestyle — as the crazed ramblings of a jealous jerk who is just in it for himself. That works for Punk, but it doesn’t work for two women who are going to live or die by the resolution. Natalya should say “here is why zucchini might be a better idea for your heart than pork” by saying “check out this Bull Nakano match, see how awesome she is? We could be trying to find more women like her”. It’s like Inception, you can’t implant an idea, you have to trick the person into thinking the idea was theirs to begin with. Nattie and Beth aren’t doing that, they’re just saying EAT THE VEGETABLES. That’s why so many kids grow up into adults who still think vegetables are gross. Conditioning, something that 20 years of us accepting Honky Tonk Man as a “great Intercontinental Champion” and not as a f**king worthless Elvis impersonator wrestler should show you WWE is great at.
If I want to convince someone I love to consider what food does below their mouth and not just how good it tastes in it, I invite them over and make them a delicious, filling vegan meal. Similarly, if I want to convince someone that women’s wrestling isn’t a sideshow for panty screencaps and the ass as a paintbrush, I invite them over and pop in a copy of Dreamslam. It’s not right for everyone, maybe, but there’s a guy in the audience who secretly really loves vegetables and needs to see some people who aren’t psychotic a-holes eating them and leading a normal life.
Best case scenario, Beth wins the title at Night Of Champions and I get to write the headline KELLY KELLY F*CKED BY VEGETABLE
Best: Please Leave, Yoshi Tatsu
I didn’t get to give ADR any Bests last week, so this week I’m gonna try to give him one on every page. He shooed away Drew McIntyre to have a conversation with Christian and made Tyler Reks and Curt Hawkins leave the room so he could talk to Wade Barrett. I want Alberto Del Rio’s new job to be making the cast of Superstars leave whatever room they’re in.
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It’s not much of a burn considering it’s just one, somewhat-marginalized guy, but the BestAndWorstOfRaw95 URL still seems pretty appropriate during Extended Diesel Time.
Kevin Nash clearly has no script- “O ya well I do whatever i want around here, I fight whoever I want, I….do whatever I want”
“happily railing a disinterested Brie Bella from behind”
…my God, I think I love you.
@tcambr0 – Thanks, friend, I love you, too.
I love it every week. Keep it up!
I dont know what it means, but by God Im going to go be a store right f’ing now.
After about 45 minutes of last nights show, I got bored enough to go back and watch The Star Wars marathon on Spike. If its a choice between rasslin and Empire Strikes Back,its pretty much a done deal.
“Vegetables means I’m better than you!!!”
Someone somewhere had posted screen caps of Ricardo Rodriguez in some school-themed porn, that he was just an extra in. He’s come a long way.
“As such, my quinoa is Kana, my portabella is Portia Perez and my Del Monte is Del Rey.”
Anyone writing or reading this must have a big doofy grin on about it.
I usually don’t comment but I just have to say how bad the lead up to Kevin Nash being fired was. Who yells “I thought we were friends, huh” and repeatedly pokes a person in the chest. It laughing in horror as it was going on.
“this universe isnt big enough for he and i.” loved hearing beth phoenix getting announced from buffalo even though elmira is like far from here. looks like she will win. i hope to be at NOC. mark henry wasnt on but his elephant/weightlifter logo needs to be a shirt.
Punk being all patronizing about Super Shredder struck me as odd too. I’ve entertained the notion that he gets routinely told, “people dont get your references” when in reality it is just Vince McMahon who doesn’t get references to anything outside of ZZ Top apparently. But were that the case, it could have been pulled off far better. Please do Best/Worst TMNT 2, the movie of my childhood. Also, BEARDED GIRAFFE!? (points at photoshop of kevin nash’s face on a giraffe)
Kevin Nash sending himself a text was some looool material. The confusion though was supposed to stem from HHH looking at his phone, seeing the sent text, and wondering if his wife or whoever sent it. But still, ughhhhh. “Make WWE cool again” was the line of the month.
“Speaking of, I think the only way this commentary track could’ve been funnier and worse is if Randy Orton had been sitting at the timekeeper’s table, and every couple of seconds they cut over to him making a face that said “oh man, THIS whore”” hahahahahahaha
you couldnt have found a better king/jr picture
The Truman Show parallels might be my favorite thing.
Knowing nothing of Lucha Libre or Espanol (I used to know what “black” in Spanish was. Oh well.), I knew when I first heard “Rudos” it referred to “Rudo uhh like rude so rude guys sooo bad guys.” Technicos is a bit more a stretch, it still just makes me think “Bret Hart”.
Poor Booker is my new favorite hypothetical wrestling character.
“They should’ve invited Christian in to slowly try to turn everybody over at once for a massive Killswitch, only to get pushed away by three guys, one of whom is being submitted.” fuggin loool
“I don’t think what Batista did to you was “working your butt off”.”
/spit take
That photo of Lawler and JR, along with the accompanied caption (excellent use of italics) had me laughing for a full five minutes.
*goes back for one more*
Pfffffffffffffffttttt!!!!!
Just posting here to say thanks to everyone who has commented so far, and that you’d better all be watching that Our Gang video.
The bit about Vince knocking the clipboard out of the booker’s hands was perfection. That aspect of Raw has always bugged me, too.
Except they gave Rhoda her own show and expected her to perform like Mary so that’s how I judge her. Slater also has an excellent spinebuster, while Rhoda worked (and dressed, now that I think of it) like Eve Torres.
As a Mexican, I laughed my ass off when ADR said “LOS RUDOS DE RAW”…. best moment in weeks.
Great column as always Brandon, cheers from Monterrey, Mexico
I had to mute it when Kelly Kelly came out to do commentary. The back and forth between her and that beefy chick was awful. The shit going on in the ring was just as bad. If they wanna do women’s wrestling then make it legit. Hire good, solid women wrestlers who can fight AND who have mic skills. If they want cheerleaders then have cheerleaders, but god its painful seeing them try to combine the two.
Also, the miz is fantastic on the mic.
Thank you for bringing up Vicious & Delicious as it gives me a chance to bring up the fact that I once owned a Buff Bagwell tshirt. I’m not proud of that, but it feels better to talk about it.
Via secret security cameras, HHH was able to determine that Nash went into his office and sent the text. WOOF. What hot garbage.
Also, I have no problem with HHH/Punk being a match at Night of Champions even though people wanted to see Nash/Punk, but the “you have to resign as COO” stipulation reeks of desperation unless there’s some huge payoff. I can safely say that there is no way I would consider ordering this PPV right now.
They should have ended this show with something big to get people to tune in next week, the return of Monday Night Football isn’t going to do them any favors.
Too bad you couldn’t give a “Worst” to that annoying bitch in the front row who tried to get herself over by jiggling her tits, hating on Punk, and putting in “SUCKS” at the end of every chant to no avail.
I thought I was pretty clued in to the old references, but did Sid seriously shit his pants during a match? Because if he did ohhhhhmyeffinggawd
Was anyone else afraid after the big Zach Ryder build that when he was basically begging for the tag that he was then going to get beat down and lose so they can bury his character again. God WWE really has conditioned me to always wait for the worst shoe to drop haven’t they.
I enjoyed the narrative of “These weren’t from their regular security cameras, but some special ones…that they forgot about…but sent it to me and, uh..IT WAS YOU!!!” Downright Hitchockian twists and turns in the RAW writing room.
You know how you feel about ADR? That is me with R- Truth. Everything he does, ever word he screws up, every non sensical sentence he speaks (say that three times fast) is pure gold. He needs some time before he is a main eventer, if he ever gets there. That’s what the US Championship was for, before Adolph Ziggler and the All American-Americano lost it in the cougar’s purse. But him with the Miz is just perfect. It’s crazy, it’s off the wall, and it’s exactly what Raw needs to offset the super cereal HHH/Punk/Nash. I want a long Conspiracy tag team championship run, and I want it sooner than later.
On top of that, this was the best Raw I have seen in a long time. Every single segment lead to something. Each match and promo had a point. They all built upon existing storylines, or in the case of Shamus/Christian created a new one where none existed. This type of show makes me excited. It is this type of work that will keep me tuning into Raw every week.
All that being said, someone please explain to me what is wrong with Cena? Yes, I know he is Cena. But this is insane. He was doing so well with Punk, toning everything down when he needed to and acted as the perfect foil. So what the fuck happened? Every promo, every line, every word should have a definite point. It should all lead somewhere. If he is appealing to the preteens with his act, how is calling out exactly what is gonna happen do that? ADR is carrying this fued, and when he wasn’t around the last few shows it showed. I would rather his never give up shit than showing the script to the fans. It’s worse than unnecessary, it is counter productive to everything else within the show.
(Sorry that was a long one. Great work B-dawg, as always. I need these to sound off on. And every point you make is dead on)
/John Cena is in an existential crises cause IT’S STILL REAL TO HIM, DAMNIT!!
Wait so who are the WWE equivalents of Phyllis and Lou Grant?
I have cheered heartily for Sheamus but he lost me a little bit last night while he was running after Christian. I know he’s paid to be big, and say words like “feller” and “back atcha” but he runs like my daughter when she sees a bee.
I would like to submit Santino and Koslov as the Coy and Vance Duke of WWE.
@bobarobes I was thinking the exact same thing was going to happen
Good write-up as usual – “it was okay, this great white guy told me to be a store” made me burst out laughing.
Son of a bitch I forgot how good that Michaels/Taker promo video was.
They don’t have to be funny to be good but, I laughed at this weeks B&WoR more than the past few. Kudos.
I can sense that Vince McMahon is dusting off his higher power cloak right now and readying a huge shot of poison for HIS WWE.
I can’t help but this was all rushed a bit due to that lovely on the spot writing you were talking about.
Also I cracked up at the Our Gang clip and the Jimmy Hart/Flirtin’ With Disaster reference. I love it.
Good review, as always. I find myself liking the Miz/R-Truth angle a lot, and while I’m cooling on Punk (he’s been completely misused in the past few weeks), he’s still Punk.
Right when they set up that main event I said “Welp, it’s gonna be Cena vs. everyone at the end and he’s gonna win”. I was wrong, but it’s super sad that that’s the first place I went with it.
Ella es como el Pelé de anal!
The doctor says that my nose would stop bleeding if I just kept my finger out of there
I would pay alotta cash for a Rudos of Raw t-shirt.
“bearded giraffe”? Sounds like a name someone gives their d*ck. “She didn’t seem all that into it, but once she saw the bearded giraffe, man she was ready to go…”
Along those lines, “Raw SuperShows” sounds like something you’d see advertised in Times Square in the 80′s–either that or a Saturday morning cartoon lineup (also in the 80′s).
Great write up again this week.
@Brandon – Do you think there is a possibility of some sort of lame secret alliance between Nash and Punk?
Is it possible to include a different adorable pic of AJ every week in this column? Make it happen, man!
“it was okay, this great white guy told me to be a store”.
Amazing
Fantastic as usual. AJ dressed up as cool but rude Raphael is the best Best and Worst picture to date.
Oh man, direct comparisons to Leslie Knope and Our Gang. I wasn’t watching nearly close enough.
this may have been one of your best best/worst. ever. I haven’t laughed as much as I did this one. and I’ve enjoyed all of them. keep it up.
Punk should get an additional worst for the middle of his match. After Truth worked his left leg for 5 minutes Punk sprang up (Cena like) and started planting on his left leg and violently kicking Truth without selling any of the work on the left knee. Punk finally put it together and starting limping after using his legs after a couple of minutes. It was like watching the department store Santa forget he is Santa for a few minutes.
Also, the ending to text-gate was so flabbergastingly awful I thought about putting my head in the microwave and checking out. Vince better slap the clipboard out of someone’s hand and come up with something pretty awesome to save a once promising storyline of the last few months will really have been for nothing. F.
I’m too young to remember Nash except for the brief NWO failure in the early 2000s. When he was coming back, I read somewhere that he was a good talker. That person lied.
I cannot believe how little I care about CM Punk and whatever this lame, over-involved, drawn-out, storyline is. It’s incredibly boring. Kevin Nash is like a black hole sucking everything fun about this show into his just for men mustache.
Shouldn’t CM Punk be going after Del Rio? Punk was the reigning champion and Cena lost. Doesn’t the former champ get a crack at the new champ first? This has bothered me from jump street.
Once again, Alberto Del Rio is the greatest thing on WWE television right now. His absence has been huge. I just hope he doesn’t get railroaded against Cena. Del Rio should get a long run.
Is anyone else holding their breath that the Survivor Series match last night was just a tease for an official return to this match type at the actual Survivor Series? Those teams were always fun to watch.
I loved Nash doing his best Ike Turner impersonation last night. I was waiting for him to tell HHH to eat the cake.
Love the column as usual. However, the amount of time you spend praising Del Rio is becoming distracting. I was honestly hoping his visa issues weren’t ever going to clear up so he’d never appear on Raw again. Sadly, he returned last night. Again, I like the column but I hate the amount of love you give Del Rio.
What’s more valuable a Google +1 or a comment? I’m too internet lazy to do both.
Let’s hear it for Ron Killings. This dude was written the hell off so far as I was concerned, the grinning kidz bop rapper routine and ambiguous platonic bff-hood with Eve Torres having grated down like so much parmesan. Now that they’ve managed to channel his weird incoherent brilliance I worry they’re going to relegate him to a comedy role where he’ll slowly get insufferable again (see also: marella, santino) so I really hope they find a way to make him irredeemable in order to reinforce that he’s evil crazy, not slapstick crazy. What I’m saying is, I want to see Stephanie McMahon receive the Shut Up/Lil Jimmy Buster/Anti-Life Equation before all this conspiracy is all said and done. Having Miz around helps anyway
So what motivation does HHH really have to agree to resign if he loses? Obviously now Punk wins at NOC and the HHH must resign stipulation is one big swerve to make us think HHH will win.
What I love best about these recaps is the fact that it causes me to go back and rewatch parts to pick up the little nuances that I missed the first time around because I wasn’t paying attention or whatever (like Ricardo perfectly echoing everything ADR was saying to Ziggler, except using only facial expressions).
I really hope that ADR beats the crap out cena.
Love your articles! Very fun to read!
Here’s what happens at Night of Champions.
Triple H and CM Punk is going fine and then the Big Show comes down, gives Punk one of his “knockout punches”, Nash comes out of the crowd (SHADES OF SUMMERSLAM says Cole), powerbombs Punk, Triple H stands up, sees the two of them, smile and embrace, Pedigree, 1,2,3. 444444444 lyfe
Then Nash whips out the spray paint.
Love the column, it’s half the reason I even bother watching RAW anymore.
Was live at the show last night and had brought a WithLeather.com sign, but security confiscated it before I even got in the door.
Also, as bad as Nash is on TV, he’s actually worse live. I didn’t think it was possible either.
Thanks and keep up the great writing! (WWE Creative sure isn’t)
@The CEOO – Thanks for the effort. A sign in the crowd at Raw would be amazing. Too bad our site already sounds so much like porn.
Del Rio is just what the the WWE needs. A telenovela star that can rip your arm off. He was becoming a must watch for me evn before you started the greatest recap on the web.
“Never Give Up all over everybody” describes Cena’s messy endings in so many ways. Too perfect.
So I’m curious Brandon, what’s your feelings about Botchamania? I know you name-dropped Maffew a few B&Ws back, but I couldn’t tell if it was snarky or what.
More AJ would be great. I can almost stand to watch Divas matches if she shows up.
Reading this column almost makes me want to watch WWE again.
@Doctor Worm – I watch Botchamania and laugh at it. As someone who went to wrestling school and who knows a few wrestlers personally, I can imagine it being the most offensive thing to a wrestler ever, but none of them seem to get too upset about it.
Botchamania could not possibly be a worse thing.
/Batista’s leg gives out when he sets up a Batista Bomb because HBK has been working it all match
/Chrono Trigger dinosaur music
/Batista gives HBK a Batista Bomb, HBK bounces to the side rather than straight back
/Sephiroth battle music
all hail sheamus. all hail best and worst of raw.
Awesome article. Best parts were “told me to be a store” and Vince slapping the clipboard out of Droopy Dog’s hand.
*looks for more Veda Scott videos*
@Ace – Here is a picture of her with my girlfriend
[img684.imageshack.us]
Worst: Too Bad About Our Scheduled Main Event- pure gold, man. That poor droopy-sounding sucker has been getting shat on by Vince McMahon for decades.
John Cena…… Nothing? Does he know what he is? I can’t see this being the end of Nash’s run with the E.
I really liked the way that Truth took the GTS. Felt more organic than a lot of other guys. But still, WTF is happening with the Punk storyline? This weird not-supposed-to-be-but-still-is-a-tweener thing is getting exhausting.
Truth and Miz = guy love.
Rudos of RAW or Riot.
Good job as always, B.
You fap to CM Punk’s poster, don’t you?
@Pugiron – Who, me? Did you read anything I wrote?
As always, another Best Of/Worst Of I enjoyed reading.
I too, smiled when Del Rio said Rudos of RAW last night.
So, is your gf ok with you posting pics of her with random wrestlers? My wife goes ballistic everytime i post her pic on facebook
/whipped
I question your decision to have someone fill in for you next week because I can’t picture anyone else ever being able to come close to writing like you do.
When I was younger, I was Droopy Dog Booker. I’d get out my Million Dollar Man and Jake the Snake Hasbro figures and start plotting out a singles match, and then my best friend would grab the other figures by the fistful and start tossing them in the ring while shouting, “ROYAL RUMBLE!”. It’s like he didn’t even realize that the wrestlers entered at 90-to-120-second intervals in a Royal Rumble.
Stymie makes everything better.
“I’ve always wondered how wrestlers can just walk out and make challenges and get put into situations like this, as though some poor booker is backstage meticulously putting together a fair, balanced sports league only for Vince McMahon to run in, knock a clipboard out of his hands and say JOHN CENA IN A HANDICAP MATCH IN THAT VERY RING and run away. And the guy (who has the voice of Droopy in my imagination) has to pick up a bunch of papers in silence.”
Stellar
Random observations:
I laughed so hard when Nash said “This universe isnt big enough for he and i!” that I had to pause Raw for 2 minutes to laugh about it and do a series of impressions involving Kevin Nash using proper English to explain how mad he was.
And I couldn’t help but think this while watching Cena listen to Alberto Del Rio speak: He’s become obsessed with trying to BE CM Punk & vice versa. After Punk woke him up to the world he’s actually living in, Cena has been obsessed with doing that “You done? You done?” and sarcastic clapping stuff while the other guy is on the mic. Conversely, Punk is now spouting off with “I’ll never give up! I’ll never stop fighting!” when challenging Triple H. That feud has been the beginning of each of those characters trying to become more like the other one. Cena is now obsessed with being seen as ‘Real’ and Punk is obsessed with being seen as ‘The Best In The World’
The Long Island Iced Z may be the stupidest nickname ever, but i find myself really liking Ryder.
Great as always Brandon.
I think it’s now obvious that the WWE thinks all of America’s children have ADHD with the use of these seemingly unimportant “microstories” that only arc from pay per view to pay per view, or when Triple H had some shitty movie to promote. I mean, didn’t that whole McMahon-Austin thing ride on for, like, 10 years?
And while I completely agree that Michael Cole needs to have his toungue cut off, he made some pretty good points after that clusterfuck of an exchange with JR in the Punk match. By essentially screaming that this whole thing is complete bullshit, he somehow manages to validate it.
Keep up the good work Brandon. I look forward to these every week.
Was the TMNT line a best or worst?
“Here’s what happens at Night of Champions.
Triple H and CM Punk is going fine and then the Big Show comes down, gives Punk one of his “knockout punches”, Nash comes out of the crowd (SHADES OF SUMMERSLAM says Cole), powerbombs Punk, Triple H stands up, sees the two of them, smile and embrace, Pedigree, 1,2,3. 444444444 lyfe
Then Nash whips out the spray paint”
This or the same scenario except Punk and HHH switch roles
Are the running the Just for Men ads after Nash on purpose? “Look how great our products work” That sort of thing? Either way, I dig it! Ha ha!
this post may be the reason i have casually started following wrestling again so kudos to you.
couple points
1. those promos are gold
2. so glad i have you to validate my sin cara impersonator theories.
3. i think best worst TMNT2 sounds like the greatest idea ever
4. CM punk kinda blows man, ive been out of the wrestling game for a while and cleary havent followed him like you, but he blows, his character that is
5. ehh stop talking bout being vegan
6. honky tonk rulez
7. randy orton might have the worst gimmick ever as the viper. please back me up! the snake face is the best. ps snakes arent apex predators asshole, they dont even have arms or legs.
8. booker t should stop announcing
9. i think r truth is my favorite wrestler.
keep it up, posts are hilarious
Just when I thought WWE was giving me something to watch again, they screwed up the Punk storyline by bringing in Nash and making HHH an unbearable part of the program. Can’t believe I fell for it.
“oh man THIS whore”
Goddamn good show, sir.
These posts are such a funny animal.
I find myself enjoying the times that Raw is really bad just because of how much I look forward to reading about it in B&W on Tuesday.
Michael Cole is getting back at someone for something. He has to be a competent announcer under all that, the man has worked too long in this business to be that ignorant of how basic announcing works. Now, it’s like someone dared that he couldn’t be eyeball-pulling annoying for a year and he’s all NUH UH I CAN BE ANNOYING FOREVER and just is locked in. The idea of an all new play-by-play team is like telling a Somalian child about a Safeway. Could there really be such a thing?
I would watch Lawler in a tag team, that’s one down. JR can just go home and live a comfortable life with his family and retire. That’s two…
“Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle used to do this with the Crippler Crossface and the ankle lock, and since a 7-year old got murdered with one I’m totally okay with the sleeper being subbed in. They should’ve invited Christian in to slowly try to turn everybody over at once for a massive Killswitch, only to get pushed away by three guys, one of whom is being submitted.”
holy shit thats the funniest thing ive ever read on here, especially the first line. good lord that was amazing.
My Raw viewing experience this week was being embarrassed for the first ten minutes, then fast forwarding through a bunch of stuff, then watching the Alberto Del Rio segments just for Ricardo Rodriguez’s facial expressions (the Wade Barrett segment was my favorite, as RR segued seamlessly from a smug smirk to a mixture of fear and outrage), then fast forwarding through a bunch of other stuff.
The AJ pic ruled, and I also love Rudos of Raw.
Man, I was a Kevin Nash apologist for the longest time, but he’s been terrible since his return. With any luck this “firing” is the beginning of the end for him as an on-screen character. “Make WWE cool again” literally made me cringe. It was even worse than Cena just calling out the script -_-. Aside from those awful moments, good RAW.
oh and one more thing, Brandon, not on this show (damn it) but in general.
Daniel Bryan, man. I don’t watch much of the indies so I had only a vague idea of who he was when he came to wwe, but once he arrived he was not a tough sell for me. I have more fun watching the creativity he puts into every fluid sequence of movements, like a dancer, except his moves look like they hurt so I don’t mean that in a lame JoMo way. I would happily sit with a beer all day watching bounce around a field doing backflips and shit, and he would smell like lilacs and puppy breath.
anyhoo. for the sake of those of us who are uninitiated, would you consider doing a one-off post listing off a few of bryan’s greatest hits? there’s tons of stuff on youtube but i don’t want to miss it if you happened to have been there at the lane bryant where chikara had danielson and punk in an unmissable 5-star 20-minute evening gown match. hell you could do this sorta thing for punk and del rio and vickie guerrero too. it could be a thing! mostly just, you know, write more please?
vegan gay healthy gay
i dont give a shit about you being a vegan
One day you guys are going to learn that the word “vegan” doesn’t automatically equate to “I think I’m better than you and challenge everything you believe”. I will continue to mention it occasionally because I am it, especially when people on television reference vegetables and provide me a context, so you’re just going to have to deal with it.
It’s great that you do this, please keep up the writing. I send the link to all my friends that are also pro-wrestling fans, all one of them.
Not really relevant to RAW, but… I was at a local wrestling event over the weekend, sitting behind and to the right of the announce table, while a couple of the guys were slugging it out in the ring. There happened to be a brief lull in the noise around me just as I was saying to my friend in my best Booker T impression “WHAT HE DOIN NOW, COLE, IS HE HITTIN’ HIM REAL HARD OVA AN’ OVA, SO DAT HE CAN WIN DIS MATCH!!” The announcers cracked up, the people behind me cracked up. It was pretty funny. Booker T is great.
The Masked Man namedropped you and quoted your article during an interview on a fair to flair podcast. Congratulations? That guy is the you of wistful wrestling articles. Which is a good thing.
Holy crap, this was a really funny B&WoR. I was laughing hard while reading the Sheamus bit. The JR stroke joke was hilarious. Fantastic job.
Maybe it’s the WWE recycling storylines, but Nash calling Punk a cancer is reminiscent of when McMahon calling the NWO a cancer. I have a feeling Nash and Punk are in cahoots. Also, Nash was embarrassingly terrible on the mic.
@bobarobes: I was sure when Ryder went for his finishing move, it was going to get reversed into a powerbomb and he was going to be pinned.
Can’t believe how far the original Nexus has fallen since they debuted. Didn’t they used to squash all the wrestlers in the WWE universe?
“Best case scenario, Beth wins the title at Night Of Champions and I get to write the headline KELLY KELLY F*CKED BY VEGETABLE”
Awesome.
“Boy I do love chocolate clake.”
And I do love this weekly feature. Great stuff yet again.
Great article again. Cena in any handicap sitauation is stupid. As soon as it gets to two on one the two guys should just leave. Save their beating for another day and rest up. Awful awful writing again.
Thank god this article keeps me interested.
Be a…STORE!
great article. you had me at “And Ricardo Rodriguez is somewhere in the background winking, happily railing a disinterested Brie Bella from behind.” AMAZING.
WORST: Tag-team matches where you can predict the exact outcome. Brandon always likes to point out the worst ending for matches when a wrestler gets distracted by someone on the top of the ramp, allowing his opponent an easy finisher/pin. Second worst ending, when a tag-team (Jinder and Khali) enter a match with an a supposed rocky relationship and seem on the verge of a split. Is there any doubt that at some point five minutes in one of them is going to “miss” his move and hit the other? I realize there has to be motive for the two to ultimately split, but don’t teams break up for other reasons?
Great article, Brandon. Love reading these.
I can’t remember a better fit for a role than the guy who plays ricardo rodriguez. The look, the voice, the facial expressions…spot on for his character.
I hope the ziggler/swagger thing leads to something better for ziggler, and I hope he remains a heel. I would hate to see the “you guys screwed me” angle where ziggler would become a face by default. That never ends well for the face.
And honestly, i’ve never understood what’s supposed to be so impressive about swagger. His “guy with long arms” gimmick doesn’t really do it for me.
I don’t understand the J.R. hate. He elicited a legit LOL from me for no selling Cole with “that’s fine.” That alone, IMO, is enough to warrant him a permanent position at the announce table.
You know, I actually didn’t mind the “you haven’t killed someone with a sledgehammer” line. I think because it’s a STUPID weapon that requires far more suspension of disbelief. While you can hit someone with a chair and just hurt them, or ADR can use the cross arm-breaker and really hurt someone, the sledgehammer can only be “fake”-used otherwise someone would really die. So I actually really liked Punk’s line there.
Not to abuse a tired cliche, but the minute the word “ASS-assin” (See, he’s emphasizing the “ASS” in “assassin” to call you an ASS, get it?”) came out of CM Punk’s mouth was the moment that the waterskis left the ramp, so to speak.
*can’t find the Our Gang thing and Nelson laughs at himself*
I skipped half of this show with the thought, “I’ll just catch Brandon’s update.”
Good thing for your column, bad for the show, in terms of what that implies (a longtime fan would rather the show get mocked than tune in).
I just want Nash and HHH to go away, so that Punk can go back to being Punk and get involved with a giant clusterfuck of awesome with Earth-1 ADR (best part of this show BY FAR), Earth-Prime Cena (BY GAWD, HE AA’d the 4th wall), and Miz/Truth. A 3-way struggle with Miz/Truth causing trouble every now and then.
Or, you know, X-Pac could show up…
Great as always.
Two questions.
1. Isn’t “disinterested” the default Bella expression, with “interested” reserved only for celebrity guest hosts?
2. When Johnny Ace and Mr. McMahon attack HHH, would it be more or less effective it they both wore Road Warriors make up? Or maybe Vince takes out Steph’s eye with a spike?
Good writeup this week. I did not realize that I could love AJ more than I already did. She is the cutest.
That Our Gang clip is ridiculous.
The last line of this column quite possibly is one of the greatest things I have ever read.
Also, I was in attendance at this Raw, and I can say there was some reaction to Heath Slater: myself standing up in front of everyone chanting Heath, Heath, Heath, while Little Jimmy’s threw popcorn at me and the fans in my proximity heckled me for cheering for the One Man Rock Band.
Honestly, I don’t think Heath Slater could even be in a rock band, let alone be a one-man rock band. You can’t just grow long [red] hair and wax your chest and become a rock star.
/Remembers Axl Rose, curses.
Brandon, your ability to create extended allusions such as the Bellas encounter with Del Rio Enterprises is second to none. Honestly, there is at least one per two or three of these B&W that boggles my mind about how well constructed and uniquely relevant they are to the situations.
Seriously, keep all that up. I also agree that Orton has become one of my favorite guys to watch, even if I did miss out on like seven years of his career.
Also thanks for the now requisite AJ Lee picture, in which things like that are rare, precious, and beautiful. The Florida Panther of Google Image search.
Brandon, I’m sorry that I do not comment every week. I read it every week, and enjoy it, but do not always leave a comment. I brought up your Truman show analogy at work and had a thorough discussion about similarities. Keep up the amazing work.
Love your column; I’ve shown it to my friends who enjoy wrestling and we talk about stuff in it more than we talk about the show.
Keep up the great work.
I always wanted to have sex with Rhoda, if possible in Mary’s bed because Mary was a stuck-up bitch with absolutely no sense of humor.
Oh, and I hope UMB’s Rudo Rally Towels start hitting big eBay numbers now. I need to make rent.
Love the column, it’s routinely hilarious and thankfully from the POV of a fan and not a jaded snark. That being said, Kelly Kelly as poor orator, funny. Kelly Kelly as superstar concubine? Just kinda lowbrow and mean. Not that I know you from anyone, but I can say this column is better than that.
Colossus died? jerk
And now Louise Slaughter. You are just shoe-horning references to the women I love each week aren’t you?
well done as always
i almost hate the fact that im coming around to Del Rio. And ive thought Sheamus was awesome since he started. But I do wish the WWE would do one thing. just fire Cole. for fucks sake is he just annoying.
@Archi – Not to pick nits, but “for he and I” isn’t proper English. “For” is a preposition, so “for him and me” would be correct.
/nits picked
/nerd
@JPfromTheB: That reminds me, I am the only one who rolls his eyes every time CM Punk incorrectly uses “myself” in an attempt to sound smarter than he actually is?
You had me at the picture of AJ in her TMNT costume, but as always – another fantastic Best\Worst. These are the recaps I look forward to each week, thanks Brandon.
other people write articles without talking about how much they love meat. maybe you could try to write one fucking best and worst without bringing up how you’re a vegan
@Sean – What’s the problem? If a guy can make an “mm bacon” joke, I can say “I like vegetables”. This is never an activism column. You should probably just learn to be okay with it.
Hey Brandon – love the column. Can you make the embedded videos playable in Canada?