Best: Battles Royal, The Way To Brandon’s Heart
I love battles royal. They’re probably my favorite thing about wrestling, which doesn’t say a lot for my taste in wrestling.
Sure, a battle royal is just a string of important moments held together by a glue of guys leaning back in the corner while one-or-more other guys hold their thighs, but think of it from a fan perspective — In the first match of Raw I got to see my favorite wrestler in the world (Bryan Danielson), I got to see dos Caras (not Alberto Del Rio), I got to see Sheamus eliminate dudes with double-axehandles to the face and both John Morrison and Alex Riley got to appear on Raw with me barely noticing they were there at all. That’s a win by almost every definition. We even got an appearance from Ted DiBiase, which means at least 15 or so fans got to have a DiBiase Posse Tailgate Party before Raw. I want to go to one of those so bad and bring a pack of Tofurky and see if Daniel Bryan will show up and hang out with me.
By the way, if you don’t know about the DiBiase Posse, you can find out by watching the following video, but I have to warn you: the first 45 seconds of this video may make you want to kill yourself.
He should pay Virgil to stand by the grill and menacingly hold out napkins in a fan.
Oh, another good part of the battle royal is that we got almost 20 seconds of Drew McIntyre.
Worst: Drew McIntyre
If I didn’t know Drew McIntyre only hooked up with beautiful, socially rude vegans I would start a rumor that he’d gotten a hold of a time machine and gone back to candy-van teenage Stephanie McMahon, because holy sh*t what could Drew McIntyre have possibly done to deserve the cold boogers on a paper plate treatment he’s been getting this year? This is one of those situations where if you take a step back from the “why aren’t you using him?” talking point, it becomes “why are you paying this guy to be a wrestler if you hate him and don’t ever want him to wrestle?” The guy is talented, and I’m starting to think Superstars was just a Last Starfighter situation where the best performers get rocketed off into outer space.
Look, if you don’t want him to be the “chosen one” or whatever that’s fine, let him pay his dues. But you’ve had Snooki win a match at Wrestlemania and Michael McGillicutty hold a championship this year, put McIntyre in a tag team with Tyson Kidd or whoever and let them lose a good match to Air Boom every now and then. If you’re so dead-set on making McIntyre look worthless, at least let his worthlessness make somebody else look good.
(also, regarding that Tiffany/CM Punk segment, Punk should’ve responded with “why don’t you eat some bacon, what’s your problem, you should try being a human being”)
Best: Sheamus Verse Zeke(ial)
I think I speak for everyone when I say “hosses squaring off in the middle of a battle royal” is always great. It’s become a staple of modern WWE Battle Royal Style, and I think the best use of Ezekiel Jackson since that backstage bit where he talked about Sun Tzu with Brian Kendrick was as the large guy nobody cares about who got the f**k clubbered out of him by The Great White Man Sheamus. Now Zeke should have a Smackdown match where Mark Henry dispatches him like a bitch so we can pack up his stuff and ship him off to the next WrestleReunion.
Worst: Easy There, Big Guy
I wasn’t sure if Sheamus was trying to go over the ropes or hook his feet so he wouldn’t go over the ropes, but I was getting fever flashbacks of Test getting hung up in the ropes against Eddie Guerrero and just hanging there for 15 minutes. I’m not sure what anyone here was going for (the Christian run-in seemed wrong, mostly because of this and the weird forearm sequence between Sheamus and Cody that preceded it), and one of the great reasons why I’m not a pro wrestler is because if I found myself in this situation I’d just sorta collapses in the ropes and hang there in shame until somebody cherry-picked me and dragged me to the back.
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Uhhh…I think you forgot to finish the article.
I thought he covered the last 15 minutes of RAW pretty accurately…
lol, yeah, my first impression is that this was intentional. i’ve been wrong in the past but, hey, it is spot on.
i also love cody rhodes voice. i also like dolph ziggler but he just doesnt have anything to say and i wish he did.
eve is the jade to kelly kelly’s kitana
great article this week! thanks for explaining why anal bleeding made me laugh and i wasnt mad at it
Hey, I put up a little “hey, I’m working on it, hold on” message at the top. Anyway, it’s all up and complete now, so go back and read it.
WOOHOO! It’s like getting 2 “Best and Worsts” in the same day!
I was told there would be nude Stephanie McMahon pics?
the only thing i cant decide is if the anal bleeding line surprassed ‘I love you pop’ as the funniest moment of the year
It is the El Blower because Spanish.
Great job as always. I especially enjoyed the positive parts.
Also, gotta love Kelly Kelly’s puffed up shoulders pose in the header
Your Raw reviews are like Chopped. You open your basket, and there is toothpaste, lint, figs and burnt hair, and you use your 20 minutes, and you have all the technical skills. Heck, it’s even edible, but no matter how good YOUR cooking is, it’s still hair, lint, toothpaste and figs.
In other words, you got nothing to work with, but you are doing a better job than can be expected with the crap you are given.
Also, Cody Rhodes is the best thing going.
@uconngary7 – And just like Chopped, the people reading what I come up with have made up their minds about it before trying it.
I wish just one time, someone was allowed to leave Triple H speechless on the microphone. Or he was allowed to look like he wasn’t sure what to do. I get tired of seeing him as “cool guy who always has the right comeback,” making the rest of the roster look awful.
I guess there’s some semblance of comeuppance in that most of the heels (or at least the ones with valid points–Dolph & Cody) were able to overcome his matches, but still, it gets old.
Other than Cena’s fuckin babbling I was pretty entertained. Welcome back.
As someone who enjoys watching Cena wrestle but can’t stand hearing him speak, if anyone was going to have a Come to Jesus meeting with me about him, last night would have been the night. I think between the Hell in the Cell promos and the now ubiquitous Real Steel promos, I think about ~30 minutes of Raw was actually watchable and 5 of those minutes were Mark Henry break Khali.
No Tha Conspiracy this week, so it’s automatically a worst for me. The quicker turn around for PPV’s does make for a more exciting show, but there is a worry about what they are going to do next week. Assuming Cena will always go after the belt, Punk or Del Rio is gonna be left in the cold. It will either be Cena/ ADR, in which case HiaC changed nothing, or Cena/Punk, in which case ADR will be forced back down the chain. Here’s hoping the Mexican Aristocrat and his announcer joins with the Awesome Truth. THAT is worth tuning in for.
/John Cena has been to HELL, is going to HELL, in which HELL is no place for walking on eggsHELLs or playing with HELLo kitty dolls cause there is no HELp in HELL
Ps great to have you back. The replacements were great, but there’s nothing like that good ol home cookin’
I’m enjoying WWE right now, which is why I’m watching it. However, is it really too much to ask for a Divas Champion who doesn’t think the ropes are made of barbed wire?
Lately I’ve been feeling really weird about post-match dark shows. Last night’s was a FIVE-WAY HELL IN A CELL FOR THE TITLE, with Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagget thrown in to be immediately pinned. That is a thing that happened!
Now WWE asks the Kansas City fans to purchase a three-way HiaC match this Sunday directly after showing Cena decisively win a five-way one. This management is dumb as shit.
Your assessment of Triple H and the face/heel dilemma is too spot on, if that’s possible. Well done.
David Otunga’s arms paired with that bow tie… funnier than anything from Doink.
Also hilarious is “Hart of Dixie” sponsoring this report.
post-show dark matches, excuse me i too am dumb as shit
I think the trash bag/seat cover they used to keep Del Rio’s sweat off the Lambo’s seat deserves a best.
If Russo were writing Raw still, we’d now be subjected to three months worth of Anal Bleeding on a Pole matches.
Great read as usual.
that Otunga locker room pic looks like the Vitamin Supplement Last Supper
(and that’s “storyline-abortion”, not “storyline abortion”)
Thanks for clarifying…pretty sure it should still be “story line” not “storyline”…or perhaps I’m dumb.
This episode of Raw was like a filler episode of Dragon Ball Z. You know the ones: Goku is trying to gather enough energy for the Spirit Bomb from everyone on the planet to kill Frieza, but the bulk of the 22 minutes is spent on Bulma trying to figure out what to cook for dinner. It was hard to watch. It’s like… no one really knew what their places were or what to do, so they winged it in a “Whose Line Is It Anyway” type format. Just get to Hell In A Cell already.
Well, except for Mark Henry. B’lactus can do no wrong in my eyes right now. That man could be talking to a peanut butter and banana sandwich saying ‘Welcome to the Hall of Pain’ before biting it and I’d clap gleefully.
Trips is quickly becoming the person I’d least likely to see on RAW, EVER. I’d rather them bring Carlito in as the new COO and have him eat apples and spit them in people’s faces when they try to request a match before I see another RAW start with Motorhead again. Hell, like you’ve subtly suggested over the past 10 weeks Brandon, they could FINALLY do something with the RAW General Manager Michael Cole/MacBook Pro/Mic Stand thing.
Another great write up. Sorry you had to work with such… banality, but you did awesome with what you had.
When Punk was on commentary and they were asking Punk about what he learned from his HITC match against the Undertaker, I was kind of hoping he would say “To dress nicer in public”.
Mystikal was found guilty of Forcible Entry a few years ago.
Is it technically “a split” or “the splits”?
it’s really easy to just pump out Cena-hate for it’s own sake, but holy moly was Cena awful. Just jabbering away about Hell and consequences and 9th grade symbolism like a concussed Alesiter Crowley.
great to have you back Brandon, but yeah, last night’s show was not a lot to work with. can anyone explain why there’s a PPV so close to the last one? Are they trying to shoehorn a 13th into the year, or is it more a matter of resetting their schedule so the WrestleManias and Royal Rumbles get more time?
Part of me would really like it if Del Rio gave a giant eff you to the announce table and went to the Spanish announce table to do commentary instead.
Wait, do they even still have the Spanish announce table?
Welcome back. Hate seeing Mason smile as much as Sheamus… these two, along with Mark Henry, should stay mad at the world.
Lots of laughs in your post… very entertaining. Thanks to guys like you and your replacements, I spend more time reading about wrestling than actually watching it.
… yes, this is a cry for help…
“Whenever Alberto has to be on guest commentary, have Ricardo sit down next to him and respond to every question with a long, Spanish answer. ”
That would be my first choice as well, but I’d also like it if ADR went back to wearing nice suits and smiling all the time, and answering every question with, “It is my DESSSSSSTINY to be WWE CHAHHHHHHHHMPYON,” even if that answer had nothing remotely in common with the question being asked. Part of me would love it for implying that del Rio doesn’t understand English, but most of me would love it because it implies that del Rio is just too rich and classy to give a shit what Jerry Lawler has to say.
What I’m trying to say is: I miss Happy Alberto.
As someone whose last name is Morales I found Joe’s complaints hilarious.
I find it weird complaining about a clean finish, but I really would have preferred a DQ in that main event. I think Del Rio losing clean is their way of saying he is going to win the title on Sunday, but who knows and really, who cares? I just want Punk/H to be over so we can move on to whatever the next thing is.
We need to do a COVERITLIVE chat session for the HIAC PPV… That would be fun.
Again, thanks for these columns… really nice reads.
Some points about last night’s Raw
1) My wife (who is very girly) sat and watched the K2 match and made a few interesting points. First, she said she liked how the divas now look like real athletes as opposed to “sluts skanking it up.” Second, she actually enjoyed most of K2′s moves and the move Natalya put on Eve Torres. Ya know, if the WWE were to devote another 5-10 minutes, adding more divas onto the show, and hired a female writer, or gave the divas realistic women type storylines, I’m starting to think they might have something that could completely attract females and be utter crap.
2) I fear anal bleeding becoming a trend is going to lead the WWE to attempt Family Guy style random humour. God help us all.
3) The dibiase posse thing is an interesting idea. It’s too bad Dibiase has no charisma and is a terrible talker. He needs Vicky Guerrero.
4) Last night marked the occasion of Mason Ryan turning into Batista 2.0
5) Raw needs more Maryse and Aj
6) I’m not liking Smilin Sheamus. He needs McIntyre to kick his ass and have them team up to become a badass heel tag team.
7) Cena looks bored out there. It’s like he has nothing left to do, so he’s going to piss all over everything. They should do something to change it up for him
8) I’m missing the Miz. Bring him back!
Oops, I forgot to mention I thought page 2 had some excellent insight.
Great read as always.
maybe (hopefully) someone else made this comment, but i’m too lazy to read all of them:
i was pleasantly surprised by a non-finisher finish in punk/del rio. more matches should end like this. as it is now, its 92% someone’s finisher, 6% DQ, 2% countout/roll-up.
Week after week this is a job well done. The article makes me enjoy Raw more knowing that I’ll be able to read this on Tuesday afternoon.
Jeez. After watching that DiBiase video, I really want to roll up to one of his tailgate parties Kenny Powers-style with a car full of mangy old hookers shouting “WHERE THE FOOD AT?” forcing Pop DiBiase to do a bong whilst one of my ladyfriends spikes the punch with here weathered tits.
But alas, here are some observations:
1) I live in Wales, it’s full of big bastards. In fact, If Mason Ryan was still knocking around here he’d earn himself the nickname ‘Skinny’.
2) As someone who zoned out towards the end of the attitude era only to take an interest again after CM Punk waved to Colt Cabana, last night was the most I’ve seen Drew McIntyre wrestle.
3) Surely Ricardo Rodriguez could be utilised as a bilingual go-between for the warring Sin Caras.
4) They should change the lyrics of Mark Henry’s entrance music to “SOMEBODY’S GONNA MAKE YOUR ASS BLEED”
5) Cena is awful, but thank God they didn’t ask Cody Rhodes to explain the intimidating nature of Hell In A Cell.
Cody Rhodes is a great face. Just days after suffering a brutal assault at the hands of Randy Orton, he is forced into a title defense against 9 other wrestlers by a power crazed authority figure. Cody, of course, is able to overcome the odds and retain his title.
I feel like you’re stirring up the conversation so much that you’re making it seem like the early 90s again.
Welcome back, great read as always.
Del Rio = Monk on Steroids.
Alright, I’ve figured it out. Mark Henry walked by the writer’s meeting. He was giving them the stink eye (as he should), and it dawned upon a writer. “I’ve got it,” he said. “I’ll write him as a monstrous, pissed off black man,” and look where we are now.
Good to have you back. This is one of those weeks where I wish we had a Best/Worst of Smackdown purely for Sheamus and the potato.
“I wanted Cody to respond with “what about the time Chris Jericho beat you for the WWE Championship and you threatened to break the referee’s arm if he didn’t reverse the decision?””
Apparently they were saving that for Miz. [www.wwe.com]
I really wish they’d incorporate this shit into the actual shows. Anyway, another great article chock full of references I don’t get because there’s hair on my chest (… somewhat), but great all the same. If wrestling fandom didn’t embarrass me as a whole, I’d totally like this column on facebook (as well as follow you on twitters and buy the t-shirt). Keep up the good work, bro. Woo woo woo, post more pictures of your hot as balls girlfriend… seriously… holy shit.
I am baffled that it took 15 years for someone to get the idea to make Mark Henry the most awesome thing ever. Every time he screams something at another wrestler or a fan, I laugh. Not because its particularly funny, but he’s just SO AWESOME right now that I have to laugh.
I haven’t read beyond the first page yet, but here is a comment in honour of AJ doing the splits. God I love AJ.
Thank you for making David Otunga talking about law as a worst. Just hearing him and reading about law for school last night made me want to drink a Forget-Me-Shot. Just to forget about the last 24 hours.
How come when a partner turns on a face in a tag team match, it gets thrown out, but when he turns on a heel, it means that heel gets pinned cleanly by his mortal enemy?
I do not believe you are using the word gratuitous correctly, good sir. Perhaps you meant obligatory?
Perhaps I am giving them too much credit, but I thought maybe the last 10 minutes played out as follows:
Del Rio has struck a deal with Laurinaitis to have the cage lowered, and giving him the opportunity to wail on the other two guys with a chair. So after the match, the cage began lowering, and that was Ricardo’s cue to lure Cena in to the ring, and take GTS and the AA for the team. With both guys in the cage and distracted, it was just a matter of time before Alberto could sneak in to the ring and wallop the ever-loving crap out of them with the chair. This will potentially lead to a faction of Alberto, Miz, Truth, and Nash being Laurinaitis’ boys.
Also, did Cena remind anyone else of Tommy Dreamer on commentary? He was very monotone, and spoke almost entirely in cliches. It was friggin’ terrible. I was sincerely hoping he’d stand up and interrupt to match so that he could eat someone’s hair and drink toilet water.
Is anybody else a little disappointed that Mason Ryan turned? I think it would be pretty kickin ass if Dolph, Swagger, and Mason formed a nasty heel tag team and competed under the Freebirds Rule.
How high up into the air does anyone think Mason can throw Evan Bourne?
Your Cena section was absolutely spot-on. YOU WON. Dude needs to stop. I typically DVR Raw and start it an hour later so I can fast forward through Cena’s promos.
Love Cody Rhodes’ new delivery as well. Although, why does he wear his mask when he’s meeting with a lawyer?
Welcome back.
“For those of you who only show up to read Best and Worst (shame on you)”
I’m sorry, but I come here to find out what I think about everything. lol
I think I read an interview with Rhodes where he claimed the mask is made in such a way that pinches his nose, so he sounds nasal when he talks.
Should we also ignore the fact that, now that Rhodes is openly removing his mask during matches to use it as a weapon, he looks perfectly normal?
No best for Punk on commentary answering to Del Rio :
“I look like a clown? You’re half naked. Thanks for dressing for the job.”
#areyouseriousbro?
My first comment on any of these, and I’ve been reading for months now… but “…one part Married The Boss’s Daughter and one part Pointing At My Dick With Shawn Michaels” deserves a +1.
I love this, Stroud. Please keep doing it.
+1 for Dos Caras! I started making that joke on my facebook last week (hoping that Cole would make a “hey, it’s dos Caras!” and ADR would be in the background with a confused look on his face), to no avail.
My Raw Bests of the night go to Cody Rhodes. I don’t watch Smackdown, but when he came out, I was immediately hooked. The guy is a walking supervillain, a heel with a Capital H, and I loved him pointing out the inconsistencies in HHH’s ruling.
The Punk/ADR finish was odd, but, well worth being able to see them wrestle.
WWE Creative needs a Sophomore Year creative writing instructor (a grad student, not a professor), to oversee their scripts. “Um, we’ve got a lot of dialogue here, but where’s the hightening? How does this change the stakes? You haven’t clearly defined a character want, let alone tied that to your plot…”
Worst?: This is like the 3rd time Cole’s referred to Sheamus as “Great White” before he trounces a black guy.
/cringeworthy.
Oh god, you had to remind me about WWE Aggression.
THE KING OF ROCK WHO THE KING OF ROCK WHAT THE KING OF ROCK WHO THE KING OF ROCK WHAT THE KING OF ROCK WHO THE KING OF ROCK WHAT
So, reading the Best and Worst of WWE Raw at work is certainly a great way to brighten my day and eat up time when things are slow. The flip side of that is that when I read the following paragraph:
“Anyway, I really want to see him come out to interrupt a skirmish and make a match featuring guys who aren’t even in it. Like, Ziggler, Swagger, Air Boom and Zack Ryder get into a ring-clearing thing and Teddy’s music interrupts them, and he’s all HOLE ON, WAIT A MINNENT PLAYA and says something like YOU ALL WANT TO FIGHT, THEN WE’LL HAVE A FIGHT, YA FEEL ME… TONIGHT, IN THAT VERY RING, IT’S GONNA BE RANDA ORTON … GOING ONE ON ONE … with JOHN, CENA!! and then Teddy’s Rodney Mack music starts up again and everybody just stands around confused.
And then Tiffany shows up. AND THEN TIFFANY SHOWS UP.”
… and burst out into uncontrollable laughter, my coworkers look at me like I’m some sort of lunatic. And I cannot honestly say they’re not right… IRL LOL
but if it leads to David Otunga doling out bad legal advice backstage and dressing like he’s in a military barbershop quartet, I’m all for it.
…
marry me?
“He should pay Virgil to stand by the grill and menacingly hold out napkins in a fan.”
LOL
There were several laugh out loud moments in this best/worst. This post might be the only reason I still keep an eye on wwe. I’m still laughing at the Teddy long bit.
/john cena mumbling something about hell
+Ziggler is awesome and should be pushed to main event status.
+Booker T is hilarious. Those long “ohhhhhhhh’s” everytime something big happens are magical.
+I’m sick of Punk, and Cena. ADR i like. They need to get Mark Henry involved somehow.
+I can do w/o the law angles, the firings, the heirarchy, all that extra crap that never seems to make sense or relate to reality.
You should do a Best and Worst of the WWE special “OMG: The Top 50 Incidents in WWE History” It’s streaming on Netflix right now and has some cringe-worthy moments
Welcome back, always enjoyable to read some Test reminiscing. Remember when he was immune for a year.
Otunga’s new character reminds me of Tracy Morgan as Star Jones. “Now, I am a lawyer. Remember, I AM a lawyer. And what that means, is that this pie chart is delicious!”
I haven’t actually seen Raw yet but I still really enjoyed this article and, as always, agree with 90% of what you think about pro wrestling. Especially about Mark Henry, these days. I’ll be in a better position to comment when I’ve seen the show but the stuff pointing out about HHH being a total dick of a character is great. I also laughed at the WWF Aggression reference.
You should do Best & Worst of WWE.com Segments so you can talk about the amazing Bella Twins one where the Divas of Doom show up and Nikki tells them Brie was dissing them and it ends in “I’M TELLING MOOOOM!”.
And then I’ll reverse the hug into my finisher, and OH NO he’s reversed it into the STF, now I’m tapped out AND I can’t understand a f**king word he’s saying.
Sadly, this will happen at some point.
Loved Ryder being pushed a bit and hope he gets some gold soon.
I am dreading whenever HHH is on tv for all the reasons you listed.
Lastly, I was hoping Cody’s “unloaded” mask wouldn’t work, but at least he tried again after missing instead of walking around the ring upset like Beth Phoenix a few weeks ago.
Lawyer Otunga is my favorite thing ever. As usual, great job.
You forgot to mention the part in Cena´s speech when he says “Take a listen” and then corrects himself and says “take a look”.
What if the championship were treated as some sort of corrupting influence on whoever happened to be the current bearer?
“Absolute power corrupts absolutely” and all that …
It’d be a cruel joke (and not far from reality) to have people risk so much chasing something that, ultimately, led to their downfall – or simply made them brooding, paranoid and unintelligible.
I guess the question then becomes, what if the character was already that way upon gaining the belt?
Thank you for obligatory AJ, even if she is getting broken on the rack of Beth Phoenix. Is there anyone on the current WWE roster she is allowed to beat without the Earth cracking open and swallowing us all?
I am starting to like Zack Ryder, mainly because it doesn’t feel like the WWE wants me to… at least, not in the way they usually want you to (beating you over the head and face mercilessly with promos).
Also, I’ve changed my alarm clock music to play “The Game”, because starting every RAW with HHH’s theme isn’t enough; I want to start every DAY with it.
NM: That’s Natalya, not Beth, and I have no idea who she’s doing that thing she’s doing to. Since Kelly Kelly is on the apron, I assume it must be Eve.
@Matt – The image at the top of page 1 is Natalya and Eve. Slightly below that is AJ doing a split.
After taking my sweet time to catch up on wrasslin… I’m sure DVR’ing past John Cena speeches is the best thing I do every week.
Why wouldn’t there be a line of guys waiting in gorilla to get chosen for TV time by Vickie?
Punk’s commentary definitely deserved a best. “My diet soda!”
Also, I spit out part of my lunch when I read the comparison of David Otunga to a member of a military barbershop quartet. Well done, Brandon.
the weird thing about the last point is that none of this shit matters anyways. October will fly by and it’ll be The Rock’s punky disco party. None of this title shit will make a difference once that month ends.
Funny how Cena mentioned the Red Sox, because his current character is based on the typical 2007 Red Sox fan. He’s been there before, and he’s won a championship extremely recently. He has money and gets a ton of coverage, and yet somehow as champion he’s the unlikely, scrappy underdog who somehow managed to beat the odds.
Also, CM Punk is officially the only non-transient I’ve seen this week in taped hands and a sport coat.
Man, Beth Phoenix won AND John Cena lost? The Internet dolts must be creaming themselves right now. Nice write up, Stroud, but once again, you lost me on about eight of those references.