Worst: Good Luck With Your Lives, America
Two weeks away from pro wrestling, and what’s the first thing I come back to? The very first thing? It’s Michael Cole introducing the ominous Hell In A Cell structure for a Hell In A Cell-themed pay-per-view full of Hells in Cells happening this Sunday by announcing its square-footage and declaring it larger than most American homes. Is that supposed to be awe-inspiring? I was homeless for a while as a child. I spent the rest of it in apartments and bad neighborhoods one step away from Section 8 housing. Thanks, WWE, for reminding me that instead of spending money to help somebody who isn’t a Troop or a Make-a-Wish, you spent x-thousands of dollars to build a 3,500 square-foot thing for the Spirit Squad to wrestle in.
All right, enough negativity. Maybe we’ll start off with a match, and I’ll be able t-
Best: In The Interest Of New Dynamics
I’m settling in to the reality that Theme From Triple H is going to start every Raw (and that it won’t suddenly be one of the funny ones, like Mystikal’s version from back when WWE made albums that sounded like rape threats, i.e. “Forceable Entry”) and that my continuous bitching about how he is Literally the Parasite from Superman and drains the life energy of anything he touches isn’t helping anybody. I wouldn’t have reacted well to Night of Champions. While I never seem to enjoy Raw’s 20-minute opening monologue, I did enjoy seeing and hearing some of the characters who never get to speak out of story air their grievances and act and react like people who might be doing this for a living.
Dolph Ziggler, should he be allowed to continue talking about things in front of people, could develop into a truly great pro wrestling speaker. He’s good at sounding natural while sounding grander than natural, he just never really seems to have anything to say. Even when he’s threatening to kill Hugh Jackman’s wife and send him on a 2,000 year journey of immortality to Xibalba (which he absolutely should’ve) he still never sounds like he’s going anywhere with it. Last night as a good step forward, and he had a legitimate issue that wasn’t being responded to. So did Cody Rhodes, who got nine staples in the head from a Randy Orton ringbell shot on Smackdown and wondered why Miz and Truth get fired for worked punches and Orton can get away with Assault With A Deadly Weapon. Christian didn’t have a point and was just being a whiny jerk, but that’s awesome for him.
I hate hate hated Triple H’s responses — when H said he didn’t go crying to management when Randy Orton attacked his wife, I wanted Cody to respond with “what about the time Chris Jericho beat you for the WWE Championship and you threatened to break the referee’s arm if he didn’t reverse the decision?” Or anything. Triple H’s entire career is one part Married The Boss’s Daughter and one part Pointing At My Dick With Shawn Michaels. Also, telling somebody to “man up” only works when you’re wearing Confederate flag shorts. But at the same time it was nice to see him interacting with people other than Cena, CM Punk and Kevin Nash. If this is the character he’s going for, and by God it looks like it is, he should occasionally have to talk to the people in the mail room.
Worst: Triple H Is Worse Than The Anonymous Raw General Manager
Again, I think this is the character he’s going for (and my opinions here are based solely on what they’re giving me on the show), but damn, Triple H is turning out to be more or less the least effective authority figure of all time. Giving Christian three high-profile matches for pissing him off? Maybe Chris Masters should’ve given up working hard for a year to become a good pro wrestler and dropped a 20 to the production team to get them to play his theme when H is trying to talk. Putting an injured Cody Rhodes in a battle royal where he’s got to beat 9 other guys or lose his championship? Firing Miz and Truth for interfering in his match and then apologizing in a way he didn’t love?
Ken Anderson from Impact Wrestling gave an interview with Pro Wrestling Illustrated (or they just said he did, I’ve never been sure how that works) that attempted to explain why people on Impact were always turning on each other, had some interesting thoughts on face/heel dynamics.
There’s this thought that, in wrestling, it needs to be black or white. You’re either a good guy or a bad guy. I don’t know anybody in my life that is wholly evil or wholly good. With Breaking Bad, or Sons Of Anarchy, or Weeds—you look at these shows and there’s a guy who is a chemistry teacher who sells meth. Is this a good guy? By society’s standards, no. But we look at the TV show and we can sympathize with him. So I don’t know what the answer is. But I do believe that sometimes in the wrestling business, it’s almost forced. And it can be insulting to the wrestling audience, whereas on a TV show like Sons Of Anarchy, you decide. But in wrestling, it’s ‘Hey, I’m the bad guy. Boo me,’ or ‘I’m the good guy. Cheer for me.’”
That’s all true, but to quickly address why this does not explain wacky TNA consta-turning,
1. TNA’s idea of “character development” is having a guy carry a football
2. Shut up
The problem with what’s happening in the current WWE is that it feels like they mixed up their two notecards, and now it’s “Hey, I’m the bad guy. Cheer for me.” and “I’m the good guy. Boo me.” It’s like the only thing separating good guy from bad guy is whether or not they say “you people” in promos and hold the tights. That’s it. Nobody’s getting attacked with baseball bats in the parking lot, nobody’s talking about the hard times of the common man. When a Walter White or a Don Draper does something immoral, we’ve got seasons of moments and situations and backstories to explain why, and justify why, and that keeps us interested in what’s happening and where it’s going. WWE has made a point to ignore their own history and retcon everything so we’ll forget why we booed and start cheering, or vice versa (Sheamus is a great current example of this), so when they have a guy like Triple H do something immoral, people just keep cheering, because they’re already cheering. It’s what Chris Jericho got so pissed off about with Shawn Michaels. Shawn could lie about injuries and manipulate people, but nobody’s paying attention and they “like” Shawn Michaels. It’s regressive bullsh*t, and even the people who see that and try to rise above it can’t, because you can’t put a Walter White on “Malcolm In The Middle”.
It sucks that the bad guy characters can’t go to the person in charge with a reasonable complaint and have it be heard. The job of the good guy is to rise above their cheating and lies, that’s why he’s the good guy. If the bad guys are trying to stay employed in a safe work environment but they don’t like the fans, and the guy who likes the fans can abuse power and hurt them and fine and fire them arbitrarily without consequence, Jesus, who is the bad guy? And more importantly, doesn’t that leave us with nobody to cheer for?
No Idea: Cody Rhodes’ Voice
I’m not sure what he’s doing or why he’s doing it, but I love it. I cooooould … [sniff, shake head] listennnn to himmm talk [nod for no reason, wave arms] all dayyy.