Worst: Beth Phoenix Buys Her Underwear In 1985
Or she just spent the night with Jimmy Snuka and grabbed the wrong pair on her way out the door.
Surprisingly Best: I Guess These Chicks Can Wrestle
Keep in mind when I say this that I’m not Brandon, and don’t have a thorough knowledge of American women’s wrestling. I’ve been raised on WWE’s version of what women are, and I’m comfortable with what I’ve seen because in all honesty I haven’t seen much. No matter how many mediocre to decent Lita/Trish Stratus matches I’ve watched, they can all be undone with one Eve booty pop. But when I saw Beth Phoenix superplex Kelly Kelly into one of the most awkward landings imaginable, I thought that there might be something more to lady wrestling than glitter boots and hair extensions.
I’m still not going to check out SHIMMER though. If you want someone to take your promotion seriously, don’t name it after a strip club.
Best: Kelly Kelly Is The Shang Tsung of Diva Wrestling
You would think that since Kelly Kelly beat arguably the best Diva on the roster last month that she would fall to her foe in the re-match in Beth’s home town. But what you don’t understand is that every time Kelly defeats someone, she absorbs their life essence and takes on their talents as her own. That’s how she keeps getting better while at the same time still being incredibly average. She’s only going to get the best out of her opponents, and her competition so far has been one really good Glamazon and the Bella Twins. And the Bella’s combined Smackdown vs. Raw ranking is a 52, so it’s not like your going to get much milk from that cow.
Worst: John Cena Is Retarding Before Our Eyes
Brandon has been using a running Truman Show metaphor in his explanation of where John Cena is mentally, and I think he’s pretty on point with that. Except last night Cena didn’t seem to fall deeper down the rabbit hole of real wrestler names and Johnny Ace appearances. In fact, he seemed to fall back into his familiar antics of goofy white rapper who doesn’t rap. Here’s what I think happened; John Cena was living a simplistic life in his black and white world of good versus evil, something he was completely content with and so no reason to change. Then along came CM Punk and he gave John a serious dosage of reality, and Cena spent the last few months exploring this new world where the color grey is everywhere. At first it was exciting because he was able to call people by there real names and tell Alberto Del Rio that the cars he drives don’t belong to him, but it was slowly starting to eat away at his psyche. Eventually the medicine that Punk injected into Cena’s character is going to wear off, and he’s going to go back to living in that world where saluting and bright colored shirts and NEVER GIVING UP EVER makes you the hero, even though none of us are going to go back with him. We have glimpsed past the fourth wall, saw that it was beautiful, and we aren’t going back. Cena however doesn’t belong in this world so he’s going to regress until he’s back to calling the Rock a phony and leaving some flowers on Algernon’s grave.
I’d say at this rate we have until Survivor Series until he’s wearing a bike lock as a necklace and rapping about ice-cream bars.
Best: My Step-Dad Can’t Get Over John Cena’s Jorts
My step-father, who has watched a total of negative three wrestling pay-per-views with me in my entire life, actually sat through all of Night Of Champions, and the only thing he had a hard time believing was that someone wearing jean shorts could be WWE champion. It’s like he was reading the Internet’s mind or something.
Worst: So We’re Back To The Status Quo
I don’t understand everything about wrestling, but I understand racism. I thought once the tour through Mexico ended it wouldn’t be long until the belt was back on someone that didn’t make white people nervous. As a fan this is discouraging, and I don’t like to use that word loosely. I’m used to WWE disappointing me, but I didn’t think it was going to happen this soon. One month ago John Cena was having great matches with CM Punk and Rey Mysterio, and now he’s having slowed down turds with unquestionably one of the best guys on the roster. This match was so boring I started to have Billy Gunn flashbacks. If you don’t understand that reference than consider yourself lucky, because no matter how bad “John Cena is champion, I hate everything now” can get, nothing is worse than watching the Ass Man walk around with a crown embroidered on his butt.