Worst: The Fatal 4-Way Match
I like to imagine the WWE creative team looking at the card they came up with, and seeing that they put these four guys in a match together while the clock ticked ominously in the background. Nobody wanted to discuss it, they just threw this match together because they forgot that Ziggler and Swagger are both bad guys and thus can’t have a one-on-one match together. Ziggler is great and deserves better than this, Swagger is good despite the ridiculous career he’s had, John Morrison is mediocre at best but capable, and Alex Riley is about two years away from doing local tough man competitions. This match shouldn’t have happened and yet it did, because they literally have no one else to put in those spots. To be fair it wasn’t the worst thing ever, but it certainly wasn’t something I wanted to think about again after it was over. My hope is that with Ziggler getting the cheap win by screwing Swagger out of his pin fall will lead to them finally having their blow off match at Hell In A Cell in two weeks. Of course that’s just wishful thinking, as I’m sure somebody obscure like Yoshi Tatsu will get thrust into the match just to keep two guys who ride the same bus from not being best friends.
Worst: Oh, F**k You Buffalo
The fact that the crowd was dead for the whole Rhodes/Dibease match but acted like someone in the crowd was handing out free iPhones when they thought Alex Riley was going to win the United States Championship is the worst thing ever.
Worst: Vickie Guerrero’s Close-Up In HD
Just… don’t do that again.
Best: “I’m Gonna Whoop Your Ass”
Mark Henry of 2011 has done everything he can to make me forget that he fathered a hand with Mae Young and was given the European title by Jeff Jarrett for being such a swell lacky. He’s been with the WWE for fifteen odd years and for the first time he’s actually shown a convincing mean streak that won’t end with him in Undertaker’s comically large casket. When this version of Mark Henry looks at Randy Orton as he’s posing in the corner and mouths “I’m gonna whoop your ass” I 100% believe that he is going to whoop that ass. Randy Orton could have dressed like a gladiator and carried a broad sword in the match, and all I think it would have done is made Mark animorph into a silver back gorilla.
Worst: Figure Out Mark Henry’s Weight, Cole
I know this it nitpicking, but when the ring announcer says Mark Henry weighs 428 lbs, and then the first chance he gets Michael Cole says he weighs 398 lbs, that’s kind of a problem. I know WWE has selective history but he just said it. You have to give us time to forget stuff before you go changing your continuity around. Who do you think you are, DC comics?
Worst: Just Move, Randy Orton
I love Mark Henry, but his offense has the speed of Bowser in Mario 64. There is no reason why Randy Orton couldn’t just move out of the way every time Mark charged, get behind him, grab his tail, and throw him into a bomb. The most amazing thing about Mark Henry’s 15 year career is the fact that he’s yet to have a heart attack in the middle of a match. The guy sweats gravy for God’s sake, can’t someone get him a brochure for Atkins?
Worst: Standing On The Apron When You’re Wrestling Randy Orton Is Not Wise
Twice during this match Mark Henry went to the apron to avoid Randy Orton’s specials, and twice the announce team said it was a wise move to do so. If you’re wrestling Randy Orton you don’t go to the apron, because he’s going to drop you on your f**king skull. Just go ahead and pretend the apron is lava and you can’t go there, because the only way it will end is with the top of your head on the ground and Randy Orton pounding his fists on the mat like a lunatic.
Best: Mark Henry Is World Heavyweight Champion
Despite the gripes I had about the actual match, I absolutely loved the finish. Randy Orton standing face to face with this behemoth who just won’t go down, and getting flattened after a failed RKO was fantastic. This has been a landmark year for honorary championship wins. First Christian, who nobody ever thought would get a world championship, was given the belt because he’s friends with Edge and I guess Vince McMahon thought they were interchangeable. Rey Mysterio was given a token WWE title win for some reason, I still think that Ziggler’s title win counts, and I can’t see CM Punk’s most recent reign as anything other than a means to an end. I know that this title reign is probably going to have the shelf life of about two weeks because apparently WWE can’t go more than a month without re-touching on the status quo (more on that later) but I’m going to try and enjoy this while I can. Maybe I’m just being negative, but I really think that when WWE sees an unstoppable murder machine their first instinct is to make him lose to a guy pretending to be a snake.
Worst: Mark Henry’s Promo Was Written By Tyler Perry 
When the large black man screamed “Welcome to the hall of pain” into a microphone, I couldn’t help but imagine Madea rushing toward me with a frying pan.
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/impact-wrestling-scratch-off-game-180x180.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/wwe-raw-app-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/kevin-jonas-wwe-raw-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/bateman-gif-180x180.gif)
Randy Orton could have dressed like a gladiator and carried a broad sword in the match, and all I think it would have done is made Mark animorph into a silver back gorilla.
Line of the month. Well done.
I can’t wait to see what happens next with Mark Henry. A clean pin was perfect to propel him. However, the quick end of Alberto Del Rio’s title reign has me nervous for Henry.
I was surprised to have enjoyed Punk/HHH. I had little interest in this going in but it was such a wild match with the potential to spur an interesting angle with Miz and R-Truth.
But, I cannot figure why Del Rio had to do the job. He was really rolling. But so was Punk prior to getting Cena’d. A hero is only as good as his villain, and Del Rio was becoming a great villain. I think it’s clear now that Cena vs Rock is going to be a title match, but why have Cena carry the title this early?
I for one absolutely hated the last two matches. I just don’t see the logic is jobbing your (then, good job WWE) hottest superstar to ADR’s MITB, if you were only going to put the strap back on Cena in a month. AND THEN job your dying main eventer (you remember, the one who got everyone talking about the WWE this summer) to a guy who will wrestle at best another two years.
I’m the sucker that always pays for these PPVs, because I don’t want WWE pointing at the buy-rates for CM Punk headlined shows and saying “SEE?? WE TOLD YOU!” However, I am seriously considering just deleting this from my TiVo, as I feel like the WWE brass is too scared to go forward into unknown territory (seemed to work well in the 90′s) and just stay with what’s safe and comfortable (jorts, HHH).
….man, that got out of hand quickly. Good recap. Terrible PPV. Ziggler’s music is awesome.
I like your Pleasantville theory as an extension of the Truman Show theory. Well done!
But yeah, everyone can die now that ADR has lost. Heart == broken.
I don’t have a specific dollar value, but I would at least trade my first born child to see Lobster Dog at Wrestlemania.
Like I thought, you did a great job, Andrew. Kept a similar flow to Brandon’s work, but your own twist on it. Hilarious and well thought out.
Horrible PPV. I have fully lost any and all faith in this going forward and I’m sure tonight with finish the last bit of that off with a powerbomb through the ring.
*flips to football*
nice job. but that ppv was going along fine until the last two matches.
and seriously, Triple H can really go the fuck away now.
what was the point in him going over?
Good article, sir, I will be bookmarking your blog.
This was some good wrestling ideation, sir. You held your own like so much Cassel to a wailing on the ground Tom Brady.
Glad someone else is completely baffled about how MizTruth clearly wanted Punk to win to end H’s reign of conspiracy, but later pulled Punk off the pin. I’d take a lengthy Vince Russo explanation over them completely not acknowledging that snafu.
Definitely will also be checking out the John Report for the Fall toilet fashion updates. Stroud, hire this guy to help with a BnW of Smackdown!
You are much better than that OTHER Andrew Johnson I’ve heard of. Nice work/writing.
“Gangrenous nut” That was hilarious, though I don’t think your mom would approve, even though she thinks you’re funny.
Some good stuff here even if you were just doing a Brandon impression. I hate Alberto Del Rio so much that Cena as a champion doesn’t even bother me that much.
You did alright, but it is missing a picture of AJ to make it awesome.
Or you with Brandon’s girlfriend.
Bring back Brandon.
Best: Michael Cole not talking so much
Well WWE, aside from Henry winning I’m not pumped about what happened here, but the Giants-Rams game is going to suck copious amounts of dick, so you’ve got me for one more Raw. Make it count.
**The last time I remember WWE talking about a man’s ball sack on TV was when Vince McMahon was calling his testicles grapefruits and saying he was going to jack hammer Linda.**
That wasn’t the last time? What about, “I have the balls to say things that nobody else has the balls to say”?
Or what about John Cena saying that CM Punk finally grew a set of balls?
That Maryse picture makes this an A+ breakdown.
Cody vs. Ted might be my match of the night, which surprises the hell out of me.
DiBiase The Junior has, like you said, felt mediocre and passionless for the majority of his WWE tenure. Looking back at his pre-WWE Japan matches, though, there’s something there. I think he can work as a babyface technical wrestler. He’s just never going to be his father, and the bosses upstairs need to stop trying to make him out to be. The past three years of boredom may have been caused by poor management and not actual wrestling skill.
“He’s been so disappointing in his role as this generations cocky rich guy, that I think when his dad tells people his son has followed in his footsteps he shows them a picture of Alberto Del Rio.” – That line killed me.
This review was awesome, and the fact you managed to mention DC Comics, Madea, Bowser in Super Mario 64, AND Animorphs just made this even better.
Nice work Andrew. Thanks for watching so I didn’t have to. Way to take one for the team. Cena sucks.
Yes, that Maryse picture makes the new guy a must read…
What we need is a Cena vs Kelly Kelly match.
I paid $5.00 to watch it. I feel I got my moneys worth.
Decent article. Not as many lulz as B-Stro(I intend to keep calling him that) but, was a good write up and some solid opinions.
Awful PPV, excellent recap. I have now bookmarked The John Report. I have also googled Maryse Nude pics.
Good job, AJ. Speaking of AJ, this recap needs more pics of AJ and Maryse.
Love the Sheamus’ uncle has gangrene line.
Attaboy, Andrew. Nice job.
Good read. Loved the Maryse picture too! It’s almost porn ! so close
If it makes you feel good, I did add your website to my Google Reader subscription!
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I’m glad I could stimulate your minds AND lower organs.
I refuse to believe that we all watched the same Cena/ADR match and came to different conclusions; I saw a balanced, well-fought match with an outcome everyone is extremely butthurt over. Considering little-if-anything was said about the match itself, I assume there’s a narrative that everyone is grasping onto, where the buildup to the match was bad, Cena stealing del Rio’s car was bad, Cena doing his own intro was bad, Cena winning back the title was bad, so OF COURSE the match had to be bad too, right? Unfortunately for the narrative, that wasn’t the case.
The next PPV is only 2 weeks away, which means there isn’t enough time to start a new feud; I’d be mad if ADR didn’t win back the title by then, but I’m not making any sweeping conclusion after a PPV that isn’t Wrestlemania. The show goes on, my friends.
I see where you’re coming from, but for some reason that match couldn’t maintain my interest. I probably should have talked about the actual match itself more, but honest to God I just watched it again and I still can’t think of anything interesting to say about it. But, you make a good point that just because it’s surrounded by a turd doesn’t make it a piece of s**t. There are diamonds in the rough after all. Just look at Aladdin.
WTF? A Flowers for Algernon reference? In MY Best and Worst of Night of Champions? It’s more likely than I thought.
Damn fine job filling Brandon’s considerable shoes, Mr. Johnson.
Thanks for the kind words, Andrew; I’m not giving the match 5 stars or anything like that, but (in my opinion) judging a wrestling match on its outcome is like judging a book by its cover. The match was perfectly acceptable, and hopefully they step it up a notch at HIAC.
“they see a murder machine and decide he should get beat by a guy pretending to be a snake.”
or something along those lines
thank you lord for someone else seeing this as well
Great recap, and the John Report will definitely be bookmarked. As someone who didn’t buy the PPV (I live in a dorm, sue me WWE) it was a decent waste of an afternoon. The matches themselves were actually pretty good, top to bottom. I knew the second Air Boom came out in matching gear Tha Conspiracy was gonna lose. And their running in at the end was exciting to me. But why everyone and their mother had to interfere in the match, just to keep Trips in charge is beyond me. But, this is the WWE. So it’s expected.
HHH just made a triple threat hell in a cell match. Okay, that’s a bit different.
/Cena must be getting smart to beat a smart mouse like Algernon
Great recap, yo!
1) A+ for the Mantaur mention. My boyfriend and I immediately launched into the Mantaur theme, and let me tell you my impression of stampeding cows is excellent.
2) DiBiase/Rhodes in person was actually kind of boring. There were a lot of moments I enjoyed, but I can verify that yes, almost everyone had turned to their phones or gone to the bathroom. The 4-Corners match was actually much more interesting in person. I had planned that as my bathroom break match and was pleasantly surprised to not want to leave.
3) Curry Man was nothing but a sweetheart when he let me take his picture before the show: [bit.ly]
4) The final two matches of the night were god-awful. I walked out as Del Rio was getting pinned and got caught in a rush of people heading to the merch stands to buy Cena and Orton shirts. Triple H/Punk, in person, had me eye-rolling and checking my phone because my god….just awful. I would rather be a ‘generic Triple H hater’ because, well, he’s awful, than cheer on a terrible match because I have caught the same short-term memory loss that makes people forget that the Attitude Era had more terrible gimmicks and and angles than good, not everyone in ECW was hardcore or talented, and Triple H was, is, and will always be agonizingly horrible.
5) Blatant hatred of Trips H aside, I think you did a fantastic B&W.
I’m a fan of his other work too, and this was DEFINATELY NOT an impression of Brandon’s work, Andrew Johnson is the worst human being i know of….i mean, Andrew Johnson is the funniest human being i know of. in the world of wrestling. blogs.
Solid work on the article.
The end of the PPV just made me feel confused and upset. Good work on the write up though.
Very good write up. Pretty sure that PPV was worth about $6.72
TwoPlusTwo Official Wrestlemania Thread approves of this.
nice write-up. I do recommend giving it a read over next time before submitting. their ≠ there. Also, while I appreciate you emulating brandon’s style, dont try to force metaphors for the sake of randomness, when you were writing with your own voice it flowed better. still, good job!
Great stuff. Easier read than Brandon. (Brandon, you kind of write like you’re trying out for Esquire magazine)
I was actually happy Mark Henry won the belt. And the match was pretty good, imo.
The Rhodes/DiBiase match was boring to me.
I thought the Cena/ADR match was okay. I thought the whole Cena stealing the car was funny. The match was entertaining, but I wish the finish was a tad bit more dramatic.
The HHH/CM Punk match was good. Lots of chaos, and seeing the sledge hammer again was good.
I feel sorry for the espanol announcers, they get no respect.
Great write up btw. Checking out the John Report from now as well as With Leather.
Nice work. Really enjoy Brandon’s work but this was a refreshing change of style.
Excellent stuff AJ, thanks. I find it funny that WWE will make a T-shirt with a CM Punk ice cream bar on it, but not the actual ice cream itself. Dumb.
Also, people should check out AJ’s Headlines at The John Report. He’s pretty damn funny
Great job!
I hope these get better. There were good lines, but I like the density Brandon brought, where I would become physically unable to continue reading due to laughter.
That being said, I for one welcome our new World’s Strongest Overlord.
I forgot all about this until Raw last night. Sorry, Andrew. You did a good job,. so I promise not to substitute your name into my obligatory
John Cena Gay
CM Punk is a hipster and Triple H is better at putting on a match than people give him credit for. These words make my heart sing. Great work and I hope With Leather keeps you around for more spots!
Thank you for the DC Comics joke. I needed my weekly WWE/comics crossover joke.
But that Algeron joke, damn, that HURT.
The Mexico tapings haven’t happened yet. I would understand the racism rant, had the tapings already happened.
This PPV was so bad that the pirate stream was wonderful with no one else watching it.
How can you watch a match with Beth Phoenix and come out of it saying that Eve is the tranny?