By now you’re probably familiar with the story of Paisley Dickey, the diminutive diva who has become a “Toddlers & Tiaras” anti-sensation in the wake of her mother dressing her as a prostitute on a recent episode of the show from hell. To be specific, Paisley was dressed as Julia Roberts’ hooker character from Pretty Woman, so at least she has a heart of gold.

So why, Burnsy, is this being discussed on this esteemed fart joke machine sports blog? Because Paisley’s mother, Wendy, has invoked my unholiest wrath with the laziest argument in the world.

‘I take my kid to church every week… at least I’m not forcing them into sports and getting my child injured like some parents.

‘People need to look at their own family and what they’re doing. I don’t know why people are focusing so much on pageant moms when there’s much more harmful things people are letting their children do!’

(Via The Daily Mail)

Yeah, like play sports and learn the importance of teamwork, leadership, discipline, and Big League Chew as a stepping stone to Red Man. OK, maybe not that last part, but you get my point.

I’ll give Wendy, who didn’t feel like passing the normal name gene along to her daughter, some credit here – yes, sports parents can be awful. Not even a month ago, a father in Indianapolis was arrested after he bit two cops, because they were trying to remove him from his kid’s football game after he was yelling at the officials. That’s some sh*tty parenting right there.

Unfortunately, that’s not even Wendy’s reasoning. Her belief is that parents who subject kids to playing sports are opening them up to the possibility of injury. I suppose that’s also true, but what doesn’t put our kids at risk? Wendy even suggests that dressing a 3-year old girl in provocative hooker clothing won’t invite the dangers of pedophiles and violent sickos, because they’re in a controlled environment.

‘I think there are just as many or more paedophiles at the beach and in the park and anywhere … I do not believe pageants are a breeding ground for paedophiles.’

Kids at the beach aren’t on national TV being sexualized for millions of people. If we’re invoking the idea that kids are at risk of boo-boos and ouchies from playing sports, then Wendy needs to take a look at the equipment that kids have to wear in sports these days. I’m pretty sure they even make bowling helmets now.

There aren’t pads and helmets for emotional abuse, though. Dressing your little girl up as a prostitute because you think it’s funny? By the time Paisley gets to high school – and probably even middle school – her classmates will know how to use YouTube and they’ll terrorize her with videos of her as a toddler hooker. Last time I checked, a broken arm heals a hell of a lot faster than emotional abuse.