The 2011 Teen Choice Awards took place on Sunday and if you’re unfamiliar with the event, it’s basically a competition between PR reps, agents, and studios to whore not only their young talent (and their respective vehicles) out to the most important demographic, but also their aging and increasingly irrelevant stars of TV and movies. It’s also a spectacular example of why even 18 is too young for people to be voting. Go ahead and make the national voting age 17, and I guarantee we’ll welcome President Kevin James in 2012.
My typical cynicism would suggest that I’m not a fan of award shows, and that’s a valid estimation, as I believe shows like the Golden Globes, MTV anything awards, ESPYs, and even the Grammys are so void of credibility that even getting upset about them is a waste of time. So why then would I waste my time on a rant on something as decreasingly credible as the Teen Choice Awards? Because I’ve had about enough of these kids on my damn lawn.
Of the seemingly 6,000 categories at Sunday night’s show, two were devoted to sports. TWO! Snowboarder and Target fashion icon Shaun White was named Choice Male Athlete. He also presented Choice Comedian to Ellen Degeneres (above) and managed to slaughter millions of my brain cells in the process. But the Choice Female Athlete award, that’s the doozie. It went to Shawn Johnson, who was absent from the ceremony.
I don’t care if the TCA are chosen by actual, honest-to-Xenu teenagers in the most legitimate voting system on Earth or if they really are a sham created by the event’s producers to draw in Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher with bogus awards. That the entire U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team was not on stage accepting this award is bogus. *steps off soapbox, Tweets at Alex Morgan*
After the jump, I’ve got some images of the few… *sigh* athletes who attended this year’s show, as well as some extra thoughts just because.
(Images via AP, Getty, Daylife)
ATTENTION PROFESSIONAL SPORTS TEAMS*: Part of the idea of marketing is having your best players go to prominent events so they attract young fans that aren't already fans of your team. Why the WWE has always understood the connection to young people and "real" sports don't blows my mind. And this goes double for NBA players. Like you guys are doing anything better right now. Everything about being a celebrity - in Hollywood or a stadium - revolves around spin. I'm just saying, if I'm Dwight Howard or Kobe Bryant, I'm at the Teen Choice Awards.
*Before the wrasslin' faithful get upset, the WWE is still real to me, OK? When I say "real" from here on out, I'm just referring to the Big 4 leagues.
See? The WWE always gets it. Maggie Q has no idea who these guys are, but they shill better than anyone in show business. Oh won't some professional athlete please come to the rescue and give us some credibility again?
All right, Lamar Odom is in the house, now we're talking. He probably brought his kids with him, because he's a big family guy. But I wonder who else he's with. Are Lamar and Ron Artest going to act goofy for the teens?
I don't know what's worse - that the only professional athlete that attended was there to support his wife's nomination and victory of Choice Female Reality Star, or that Kris Humphries wouldn't even attend. He doesn't have anything else to do aside from pretending like his wedding isn't the ultimate PR ploy.
It's so adorably contrived.
Now the kids are involved. Fantastic. Well, we've come this far so I'm just gonna go on and rant about the rest of this nonsense, if you don't mind.
When I was a teenager, my life revolved around playing baseball, listening to Pearl Jam and Rancid, memorizing every line to Pulp Fiction, squinting to catch a boob between the scrambled lines on the Spice Channel, and planning to one day marry the lead singer of Letters to Cleo. I also didn’t have a Facebook or Twitter account back then, so thankfully my grammar and spelling never completely went to hell, and I certainly never joined a pop star’s “army” of fans and sent death threats to any who opposed. I just don't get the Bieber fever. I guess I'm just an old man now.
Poor, adorable Zooey, left to do Fox's bidding until her new show is eventually canceled.
What am I complaining about? This thing was loaded with sports.
Haha, she did that "I'm completely surprised" thing that she does every time that she wins an award. She's a gem and will be with us for a long, long time.
Haha, she's still doing it. *fires up Photoshop*
I'd love to see this kid throw a baseball.
The trophies at the Teen Choice Awards are surfboards. I still don't know what the surfing community did to deserve this.
Rebecca Black won an award. I wish I had a time phone from South Park so I could call myself in the past and tell me to not make so much fun of Hanson.
Look at Joe, just scouting the talent. Purity, my ass.
Kids love these guys.
Kim is without her loving fiance and New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries, who has absolutely nothing else going on right now.
Or is that Kris Jenners? Yeesh. (Did you guys like my Joan Rivers impression? Here I come, Popeater!)
I swear when I first saw the name Kevin McHale, I was like, "What the f*ck is the head coach of the Houston Rockets doing at the Teen Choice Awards?" Instead I asked, "Who the f*ck is Kevin McHale?"
Kaley hosted. I can't complain about that at all, actually.
The cast of Glee received their new things that will go in their garages.
My bad, that's Fergie.
I could watch this girl read the Yellow Pages.
"Did you hear the one about menopause?"
Demi Lovato received the Inspire Award because she battled being dumped by Joe Jonas, watching him date Ashley Greene, cutting her arms, fighting backup dancers, and not eating before she went on stage. If only we could be so brave.
Oh hey, speaking of inspiration, here's surfer Bethany Hamilton. She had her freaking arm bitten off by a shark and she taught herself how to overcome the fear of returning to the ocean and, you know, having one arm to keep enjoying the sport that she has loved since she was a small child. They made a movie about her, Soul Surfer. You teens should check it out when you're done admiring eating disorders.
If there's a teen in that place that has actually watched and enjoyed Community, he or she should be harvested and cloned so our future will not be lost.
Still looking like she's a teen, am I right fellas?
Surprisingly, Blake did not win Choice Texter.
To recap: Cameron Diaz won her TEEN CHOICE Award for Bad Teacher, a Rated R comedy, and Ashton Kutcher won his TEEN CHOICE Award for No Strings Attached, a Rated R comedy. But hey, at least kids aren't getting breast implants and having sex at increasingly earlier ages these days.
The inspiration for Demi Lovato's Inspire Award.
I don't know who she is, but she seems wonderful.
Forget it, the WWE's Maryse Ouellet wins.