Best: Aksana’s Porno Sax
I don’t know what ten year old decided the “sexy” characters should all have sexual 1980s saxophone playing in the background, but I can’t stop laughing about it. I want to give a worst to Aksana’s weird ring announcing and character (and her hair that looks like a wig, but isn’t actually a wig) but can’t for two reasons:
1. That time she got caught in a net backstage and it turned into a crazy character dance party, and she danced while still under the net
2. Do you remember the last two extraneous “host” characters who got added to Smackdown segments where they didn’t belong and did a terrible, expendable job? They were Maryse and The Miz.
Maryse even got the porno sax when she’d “walcome” us to Smackdown from through the vaseline-covered camera lens in her Phantom of the Opera-looking bedroom set. Miz never got porno sax, but he had to wear fingerless gloves and fedoras, which are the masculine equivalent to porno sax. Sorry, just seeing how many times I can type “porno sax”. Porno sax. Somebody’s gonna typo Googling for “porno sex” and end up here.
Best: Beth Phoenix And Natalya Are Doing Things!
My biggest complaint about the Beth Phoenix and Natalya “new era of strong style Divas” arc (besides a complete absence of Rachel Summerlyn) has been inaction — they attacked Kelly Kelly and AJ and declared the days of cute, perky champions over, but all they’ve done since is lose one match to Kelly and spend nearly a month looking off-screen while telling a camera they aren’t jealous. And they clapped some. That’s been it. They needed to go on the Kharma streak by just showing up whenever the Bellas (or whoever) appeared to wreck them and take their spots. So I was very, very happy to see Glamazon Hart Foundation beating Alicia Fox senseless in about two minutes and winning a match. It’s not hard to build up two foxy musclebound blonde ladies, you put them in sorta matching clothes and have them routinely beat the people they look like they should obviously beat. Sure, Kelly Kelly should get a win now and again to keep the sides unsteady, but if Beth Phoenix and her shoulderblades the size of my torso come across an Alicia Fox type, the Alicia Fox type should be Glamorously Amazon’d onto her massive forehead and pinned in moments.
The only complaint I have about the match is that it only went two minutes. I feel like Beth and Nattie really need a Midnight Express style extended beatdown of their inferior opponents to get their characters across. The MXE were glorious about that, they’d get into a match against Bill and Randy Mulkey or the Italian Stallion and have it won in about 40 seconds, but they’d drag it out and beat poor Bill senseless with every move in their repertoire before calling it a day and Rocket Launchering him back to Anderson, South Carolina. After the first GlamSlam Alicia Fox is dead in the water, so why not drag her around in front of Kelly for a while and really rub it in?
Worst: Wait, Alicia Fox, Really
I guess Eve was too busy to make this trip?
I was really hoping to see The Chickbusters when I tuned in to
The Pirate Bay SciFi for Super Duper Smackdown. AJ and Kaitlyn are two of my very favorites, and they only show up on Raw to get eliminated first in battles royal or stand on the apron while Rosa Mendes tries to figure out the mechanics of walking forward. Add to that my natural dislike for someone taking the Melina route to Diva allegiance, immediately becoming best friends with the people you’ve been cheating to beat because you’ve suddenly decided to stop cheating, and you’ve got a tag team partner spot that could’ve 86′d the Alicia Fox and subbed in someone uh human being wants to see. I don’t want to see Eve, but she would’ve made sense. So would AJ (who hasn’t gotten a lot of revenge since being punked by her mentor), so would Kaitlyn. Then I would’ve gotten to renew my quest to get the Chickbusters to notice me and be my friends in real life. And I could’ve put a picture of one of them in this report.
oh who am I kidding, I’m going to do that anyway
Worst: I Thought I Was Going To Get To Write About Smackdown
Yeah, picking “Super Smackdown” the day after Triple H nerfed the brand split might’ve been a bad call. I was all ready to write about the Chickbusters and Cody Rhodes and even Big Zeke and his World of Bodyslams, but what have I gotten? John Cena, Michael Cole, Air Boom (or “S.O.SSP”) and Kelly Kelly. CM Punk and Triple H have words about Kevin Nash on the next page. THIS is why the brand split needs to stick, guys — if you don’t like what’s happening on Raw, you can get something different on Smackdown. Now if you don’t like something on Raw, you’ve got to get a second helping of it here, and with material being stretched thin over one show, God help us on two. If I don’t like what I see on Raw or Smackdown, what am I supposed to watch? There are only so many episodes of Wrestling Society X, and nobody’s thought to put WOW Women of Wrestling on DVD.