Worst: That Puddle Of Mudd Guy Is A Hypocrite

Christian’s secret weapon against Randy Orton was Trevor Moore, star of the hit film Miss March: Unrated Edition. The guy told him to stop being such a vaginal coward and bailed. As a secondary secret weapon, Christian called Trish Stratus to the ring, who proceeded to hit him over the head with an oversized jar of Ass Cream. Christian’s third secret weapon was … I don’t know, punching himself in the face?

I have a love-hate relationship with Edge the character, but Edge the Regular Guy Speaking has always made me mad. Something about the way he talks. He could be telling me I’d just won the lottery and I’d do a mocking “black comedian’s white guy voice” thing and tell him to shut up. Edge calling out Christian for being a coward when he was the “ultimate opportunist” is the best instance of forgotten history accepted as fact because it’s being said by a guy we love since The Rock talked about how he earned the nicknames “The Great One” and “The People’s Champ”. No you didn’t, Rocky, you gave yourself those nicknames because nobody liked you and you wanted to make them mad. Edge, you’re the guy who lovelessly married Vickie Guerrero to get title shots. You speared Tommy Dreamer’s wife and made humping motions while you pinned her. You KIDNAPPED PAUL BEARER AND TORTURED HIM FOR MONTHS, LEADING TO HIS ACCIDENTAL DEATH. Nothing you did was “with style, with panache”, you have star and skull tattoos and wear leggings with mudflap designs on them. Don’t make me make a big list.

Best: Stupid Randy Orton Is Kinda Great

Randy Orton, I guess ideally enough, falls somewhere between John Cena and Triple H on that scale of guys who have to main event everything no matter what. For the longest time, barring that two week span where he’d punted Mr. McMahon and we thought he was going to be A Thing, he was the stalest, crappiest, most boring top shelf guy ever. His signature moves were a chinlock and “stomping”. He wore phony Affliction t-shirts and beat everybody, handicapped or no, on one leg or not. They just kept jumping and springboarding into him and he’d hit his big finisher (which should hurt the same as a drop toehold, if you’re one of those picky “Attitude Adjustment sucks” types).

A couple of months ago, Orton started losing his mind. Not the forced HE’S GOING TO A PLACE WHEREIN HE HEARS VOICES, KING and THAT’S RIGHT COLE RANDY ORTON THE PREDATORY VIPER IS GOING TO A PLACE WHERE VOICES MAY BE HEARD thing. He started doing jumping toe-touches and losing his balance on ringside tables and bordering on the clinically ill. He’s like an R-Truth who is supposed to be tough. At first it seemed like he wasn’t taking things seriously or was doing something wrong, but no, I think he’s just getting good again.

Consider the weird bloody thumbs up at the end of the match. Consider how closely Orton comes to mimicking an actual wild animal, flopping around and seething and making funny faces like a goat might if he was put into a ring with another mean goat. I’m not sure he’s a snake, but he’s something. He’s like Ernest P. Worrell in the body of Evolution Randy Orton. Is the voice inside his head Vern? Is that why Ernest was always talking to the camera and calling it Vern? Was he actually alone the entire time? I feel like Orton’s going to snap Christian down with an RKO and pop up as Auntie Nelda.

Best: Everything About Christian/Orton, Except That One Thing

I’m not going to give this one four and 0.244 stars like some, but I enjoyed the No Holds Barred match and liked that they made an effort to work in a spot or moment for every piece of plunder introduced. Far too often someone like New Jack will bring a Super Nintendo to the ring in his grocery cart and it’ll just lie there on the ground, and you’re like COME ON NEW JACK HIT BIG SAL WHATEVER HIS NAME IS WITH THE SUPER NINTENDO. But he just plays guitar and hits Sal Whatever with it and then stabs him a bunch. That sucks. Orton tosses trashcans into the ring, he DDTs Christian onto trash cans. The table spot is brought back like Paul Heyman’s interpretation of Misawa/Kawada and boom, it gets used. Orton even gets a callback to his The Passion of John Cena I Quit match with the kendo sticks. It was beautifully paced and intelligently worked as most Orton/Christian matches are, except for that one thing.

Worst: That One Thing

Orton controlled the end of the match, powerslamming Christian through the bottom of the table (and making an awesome noise), DDTing him onto garbage, hitting him with sticks. He sets up for the RKO on the steel steps and I say outloud “Orton’s going to lose this match”. My trick knee was acting up, I don’t know. Anyway, sure enough Christian comes up with a stick and swats Orton in the side of the head with it. So what does he do? He turns and springboards off the second rope and jumps toward the steps.

Like, okay.

I don’t want to nitpick every unrealistic finish, and yes, I know irish whips don’t make sense and yes, I believe leapfrogs serve a purpose and yes, I know the Stone Cold Stunner is just bending over at the waist and would hurt less than a punch or any mild irritant. But what the sh*t was Christian planning to do, exactly? There was no possible move he could’ve hit from that position. In a normal match, like the one where he FIRST jumped into an RKO, he could’ve been going for a sunset flip or something. Nope, not here. He was going for a JUMP STOMACH FIRST ONTO THE STEPS. I hate that. I hate it when a guy goes up to the second rope and raises his hands over his head for a double axe-handle and just jumps into a standing position beside his opponent so they can get their foot up and kick him in the face. This was that, but worse, because everybody who works with Randy Orton should know not to jump toward him, especially (especially) when you’re jumping over objects. Christ. You deserved to lose this match, Christian, you vaginal coward.