Best: John Cena’s Heel Persona Is Already Shining Through
John Cena used three huge, jort-shattering terms in his conversation with Punk:
1. Workrate
2. Five Moves of Doom
3. Heel Persona
And guess what? He’s right about all three of them.
1. People who say Cena needs to “improve his workrate” should have to shampoo Jack Nicholson’s crotch. If you ask the average guy with a wrestling tumblr what “workrate” is, he’s going to tell you “doing moves”. Okay, he might not tell you “doing moves”, but that’s what he thinks. He thinks being exciting and doing moves is “workrate”, that’s why Davey Richards has a great workrate but Cena doesn’t. Sometimes they’ll pepper it with stuff like “great facials” or “showing emotion in the ring”. They have no idea what they’re talking about. When I first read that word on the Internet back in the long long ago, back when Jenny McCarthy was naked on Santa’s lap and it took five minutes to see, it was explained to me thusly: You know when a guy grabs another guy in an armbar? He can just sit there holding the armbar, or he can do something with it. He can wrench it in. He can start bending back the other guy’s fingers. He’s always DOING something. He doesn’t have his head down whispering about the next spots. That’s the loose idea of “workrate”. You’re a guy who is great at making fake wrestling look real. Then, several years later I saw a line from the Hardy Boyz autobiography about how Matt and Jeff have some of the “best workrate in WWE” and I realized “workrate” had joined “overrated” and “derivative” on the list of words that no longer mean a goddamn thing.
And regardless of how you define workrate, it should never, ever be used as a reason why you like somebody. It is pro wrestling’s version of “intangibles”. A guy with great workrate is “scrappy”. That means he’s 140 pounds and sucks at baseball.
2. As somebody who was forced to read Scott Keith because CRZ was too much of a reactionary dick, I’m one of those guys who uses “Five Moves of Doom”. It started with Bret Hart’s finishing sequence and got usurped by Cena sometime a few years back. It’s fun to point fingers at him when he’s shoulderblocking and proto-bombing and people are taking wild punches when they shouldn’t, and it’s still stupid that guys just lie there on the ground while he taunts and fist drops them. At the same time, yeah, he does more than five moves. He does that jumping leg drop thing now, so that’s six. A clothesline counts as seven. I’d say Cena regularly utilizes at least eight moves, so your point is invalid.
I’m kidding. But seriously, “moves” is not what pro wrestling is about, I don’t care how much you like Suicidal Dragon’s top ten lists. In kayfabe, you do what works. You don’t tell Dirk Nowitzki to stop doing his fadeaway jumper because he does it all the time. It f**king works. When he does it he scores. Cena has beaten ever dude in every version of every PWI 500 with those shoulderblocks and that Protobomb and the You Can’t See Me and the Attitude Adjustment. Sometimes he does the STF. It works. He wins. Why should he start trying to wrestle like Mariko Yoshida? The Spider Twist isn’t going to win him 10 more WWE Championships.
3. Heel Persona. Shut up, nerd.
If you’re paying attention, John Cena is already a heel. It’s why we’re booing him. He’s just an incredibly moral heel who is getting more and more boxed in. Remember how the Four Horsemen would get booed by everybody in the building except for those dudes in suits in the front row? Remember when Diesel would only slap your hand if you were wearing a black glove? U No C ME headbands are the new black gloves, and women and children are the dudes in the front row.
Best: John Laurinaitis Gets Kicked In The Head
Every show should end with this. He should fly into the sky and disappear in a sparkle of light.
Worst: Welp, Here We Go
Summerslam is Sunnerday, and yes, before you ask, I’m doing a Best and Worst Of. The only real problem is the Triple H As Referee thing. Here are our fantasy booking options, as I see them:
1. Cena pins Punk clean. Boring. Terrible.
2. Punk pins Cena clean. Boring, terrible, even if I’d like it personally.
3. Triple H sides with Cena, screws Punk. On Monday, Triple H must explain his actions!
4. Triple H sides with Punk, screws Cena. On Monday, Triple H must explain his actions!
5. Either guy wins, H brings out Del Rio to cash in Money in the Bank. On Monday, Triple H must explain his actions!
6. Neither guy wins. On Monday, Triple H must explain what will happen to the WWE Championship!
7. Triple H beats up both guys. On Monday, Triple H must explain his actions!
8. Triple H beats up both guys, pins one or both of them, makes self WWE Champion. On Monday, Triple H blarg blarg blarg
No matter what happens, there is a 100% chance that Monday’s show starts with Time To Play The Game and Triple H explaining somebody’s actions. That’s the rub. Cena and CM Punk are both popular and have legit claims to being WWE Champion, but none of it matters, because Triple H is The Game. That’s our next however long of wrestling. If Punk wins, chances are H will be there as the reason. If Cena wins, maybe Punk gets into a program with H, maybe H fires him again, maybe Triple H drives a tank into the arena and points at his dick as it explodes and we clap our hands.
It will surely be the biggest party of the summer.
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i’m learnding!
Apparently, Kaitlyn is on the Paleo diet and lost 10 pounds. YOU SHOULD TOTALLY USE THAT AS AN IN. Or not.
/john cena gay
@TH – Is that the same one Daizee Haze is on, because
“Anything to stop him from being the 6-foot-13 guy who knows an eagle and loses to The Leaping Twink on the reg.”
Evan Bourne still lays on the cold hard concrete, wondering what he did to deserve this drive by.
Two Handy Manny references here at WL in one week? Once again, thanks for getting that song stuck in my head.
I’m not going to talk about that one, because worrying about who is or isn’t getting pushed is something you should stop doing when you’ve gotten too fat to fit into a swingset.
*golf clap*
But seriously, if Triple H weren’t there to remind us all of salient points, I mean, we might be lost. Or something. What?
@UU – I like to think that one caused the other. At least this one was appropriate to the discussion.
@B
Daizee Haze is on the “If I eat an ounce of fat or carbs, I make Delirious smack me with a ping-pong racket” diet.
@B, @TH It’s the same diet Matt Ufford is on I believe, so… you know it’s workin’. Overtime.
re:ross best
There were four or five instances last night where Cole and Lawler got stuck on something and Ross had to fish them out of the darkness. I’m still baffled as to that women’s match argument, as well as whoever Cole thought he was arguing with who thought Miz didn’t deserver to be on Summerslam. Least he can watch it on that couch with the Bellas and Kofi.
“Oh tengo hambre, Manny.” Yeah, I get it Turner, you’re hungry – now shut it and screw in this screen door.
John Cena Gay
Great article dude, I fucking love this series.
This one seemed a little heavy on the worst/venom. I like it. I like it a lot better than I liked the fact that I sat through that Raw.
@coked_up_jesus – I noticed that as I was writing it. I’m a pretty positive guy, but I’m not going to pretend like I liked stuff I didn’t.
@tcambr0 – Thanks, friend. Show it to everyone you have ever met.
Awesome article, again. I’ll comment properly soon but two things…
1. “But seriously, “moves” is not what pro wrestling is about, I don’t care how much you like Suicidal Dragon’s top ten lists.”
YES. Thank you.
2. THE LEAPING TWINK!~ Amazing.
I thought this Raw was fingerlickin’ good!
Also, I like to parse the word “workrate” to explain it. “Work” being a synonym for wrestling moves, “rate” being the rate at which you do them. So, if you have a high workrate, you do a lot of moves in the space of a match. Low workrate, not a whole lot of moves.
It’s also the single most overrated criterion that people use to gauge a quality wrestler. John Cena (and CM Punk and everyone else in WWE currently outside of MitB Limit Break Randy Orton, oddly enough) has a small workrate. He’s a good wrestler. Davey Richards has a MASSIVE workrate. He’s a terrible wrestler.
@TH & B — Seriously, that word? I thought it meant “how often they work.” Like, how many shows they do. Because that’s what that word seems like it should mean, and any other meaning to that word seems like it was made up by a dude who once thought a pencil was a Twix bar and got halfway down before needing his stomach pumped.
I shat bricks when Eve kicked Beth and had flashbacks to Beth’s broken jaw. Eve ruins everything!
Maybe if WWE took some time to build up rivalries and make a few more matches instead of the “Triple H Show Hey Guys I’m still hip and cool and better than everybody dick balls ass hhahha LULZ” I wouldn’t be on the fence about buying Summerslam.
Seriously, this is a big three PPV (nerd). Granted Brandon (and CM Punk) has just gotten me back into wrestling with these awesome recaps but shouldn’t there be more buildup for SS than Capitol Punishment?
/John Cena bi.
how do you people read through this so quickly
I was busy typing like 5 paragraphs as I went along in the report about how much I am shouting in agreement with every point and joke you made this week and how I’m getting all your wrestling references, and then I lost all of it. Ugh.
Fantastic article this week, I was shouting YES YES THIS IS WHAT ITS LIKE WHEN DOVES CRY throughout, and I’ll leave my feedback as concise as that.
Curb your enthusiasm crossover. Make it so.
As long as you’re able to use the moves you know to tell a good story in your match, it shouldn’t matter how many you have.
Best ha jerry lawer does fuck the youngsters joke ever
My personal mission to get this to 200 comments.
“That should be the new way to deal with Triple H. Whenever he shows up, tell him to shut up, call him an asshole and dismiss him with a wanking motion.”
This. Fucking this. All of this. Nothing but this!
Honestly, I cannot fucking begin to tell you how much HHH and his new on screen role is totally ruining the show. To think that I was 100% on board with Raw after casually watching every once in a while for a few years until the Punk angle started, then I actually ordered MITB and felt like it was a bargain, and now as soon as HHH announces he’s going to be the referee I immediately change the channel. This is all in the span of a month. Amazing. It is an indictment of the product they put on the television over the last few weeks that I would rather watch Last Call with Chuck Fucking Galeti than Raw. Shame on you, WWE.
/john cena gay
/HHH bisexual
A guy with great workrate is “scrappy”. That means he’s 140 pounds and sucks at baseball.
You forgot white. Being “scrappy” also means he is white.
I noticed the claws were out more than normal. But I guess if you disliked the show, it’s better that you’re honest. It was still an amazing read and funny as hell, so no complaints. Also, loved the King of the Hill reference.
Looks like CM Punk and Cena showing off their spoils to Vigo the Scourge of Carpathia, the Sorrow of Moldovia.
#johncenagay
telling HHH to shut the fuck up would be ideal, but then we would miss out on his inevitable witty rejoinder! What a cool guy he is! I can’t wait to see what he does next!
Wish RAW would just BE better so you could write more bests. It makes me so happy to read things like R-Truth’s magical backstory but when reading the negative stuff it makes me think “wahhh why dont they fix this, this guy is giving you the answer.”
Basically you are the The Economist of pro wrestling (thats a compliment).
I love seeing that Trollface sign in the crowd, but someone really needs to add a beard and ponytail to it in the near future.
“He should fly into the sky and disappear in a sparkle of light.” Smash Bros style.
So “john cena gay” came from The Rock, then. Huh.
My biggest problem with the 5 moves of doom is I, as well 99% of wrestling fans, loved HBK and I’m pretty sure he wrestled the last 5 years of his career with 5 moves and no one cared.
Also, I still don’t understand why after Y2J hit the ring pole and Stacey fell down, why he started asking JR to defend him as he left.
I really liked the closing segment between Cena and Punk. This is a direction for Cena I can really get behind (which he’d like, because, you know john cena gay).
I think there’s an additional option on the table for the Summerslam finish that you’re missing from your eight here. Triple H tries to call a clean match and takes a ref bump. Johnny Ace comes in as the replacement ref and helps Cena or Punk win. This option however still inevitably ends with Raw the next night beginning with “Time to Play the Game.” I also like the idea of Raw on monday night finishing with Mysterio winning the title in the main event and then Del Rio cashing in the MitB briefcase to win the belt. That way twice in a month Rey wins the title only to lose it the same night.
/Triple H Cuntrifle
Brandon, this is what they call “Transference of Anger.” You aren’t angry at the fans, even the awful “work rate” spouting ones. You are angry at Triple H.
Seriously, I spend all of Tuesday waiting for the article. Can’t wait for the podcast to start.
Whenever he shows up, tell him to shut up, call him an asshole and dismiss him with a wanking motion.
Making a penis reference before Mr. Cool Triple H can? He will never let that wrestler off Superstars.
HHH just came back and I’m already sick of him. Still like him more than Randy Orton though.
brilliant turn of phrase -> “I’m not going to talk about that one, because worrying about who is or isn’t getting pushed is something you should stop doing when you’ve gotten too fat to fit into a swingset.”
thanks for another great read. i thought raw was kinda meh until the end. cena to me kinda took the upper hand in the contract signing, making good points. i wonder if hogan would be loved and adored by the world if the IWC was around in the 80′s. and also don’t forget!! summerslam may only have like 4 matches, BUT, there is a musical performance by CEE-LO! weee! that moment will be known as “bathroom/smoke break” at the bar where i watch PPV’s. it will be taking that role from the diva’s match this year. looking forward to the podcast, keep up the great work.
/john cena lesbian.
Hey, remember that time in SSW when you had Reckles Youth beat Rey Jr. Until he threw up blood? Those were good times.
I was at this show last night and I observed a couple of things.
1. Stop trying to call this the “New Attitude Era”. It was fun than back in those days, but they are OVER. In fact, “The PG Era” is coming to an end and we hope that “The Reality Era” has begun.
2. Why is Truth insisting that we chant “What!” everytime he ends a sentence. I like his persona, but the “what” chant is annoying, terrible, and needs to be squashed like a spider. Chanting “What’s up” is just a bit of an improvement.
3. Vicki is getting hot, not anywhere close to Mayrse, but she’s attractive, get use to it.
4. The San Jose crowd suck balls.
5. Totally agree with your assessment of Dwyane. “The Rock” died for me at Wrestlemania 19. When he LEFT again, I said fu*k it. I saw this video 2 months ago when he first released it and saw it again last night, and I gave me the same reaction, “Really?”. I’m rooting for Cena April 1st and booing the overwhelming insecure Dwayne Johnson.
Enjoyed the article.
David Hart Smith’s name is Harry! This must be a shoot! This must be a shoot!
I HATE when people say POP. Thank you.
oh yeah, I forgot.
/John Cena gay
More columns on the internet should reference Jerry Lawler and his desire to be inside of children.
Triple H is in this weird spot right now. We don’t want to see him Pedigree anyone because we like Cena and Punk better than we like him, but we don’t want to see him get his comeuppance either. This isn’t Bret/Undertaker/HBK from 97 or even a Stone Cold “you two fight while I drink beer and I’ll count three when you’re done” thing. This is a situation where we just don’t want him there because he’s superfluous and he’s going to get in the way and he’s going to screw things up. One (or more likely, both) getting hit with a Pedigree is the last thing this match needs.
I still want to see it though and I will still order my first non-Wrestlemania PPV since that Royal Rumble Edge won, but I am prepared to be disappointed. My only hope is that my disappointment will come with a reason and that the next time Triple H inserts himself into a hot main event that I’ll want to see Cena or Punk (or someone else) knock him the fuck out. Not because I’m from the internet and I hate him, but because his character is a prick and deserves it. I’m not asking for much.
i’ve put this on Laganas twitter & will continue to do so until he gives you props/has you on his podcast to increase your web awareness. Great stuff. Consistently great. And yes, Johnny Ace should get beat up every week.
Happy to say I’m from Ohio and Pop is not in my vocab. In the battle of Pop Verse Soda, Soda wins.
Somebody help me out. When HHH was talking to Cena before his match/commercial break, I thought I heard HHH say something to the tune of, “Nothing is going to happen in that match, unless I want it to happen!” I’m sure one of you has the exact quote, but what exactly was that supposed to mean? It seems to me like it was nothing but a goddamn verbal guarantee that we’ll have to tune in on Monday as HHH explains his actions! Can’t wait. But after coming on here and not reading anything about this, it makes me think that I misheard the Game or that whatever he said wasn’t really that big of a deal. I thought it was a big deal, but then again I’m the same wrestling fan that thinks workrate is a way to measure JO’ing speed.
Also thanks for the Pokemon reference. Every time I think about Pokemon, or Saffron City for that matter, I can’t help but think about how bad I want to bang Misty and her little Starmie.
How prophetic was CM Punk’s line about the doofus son-in-law?
The Triple H era is off to a horrendous start. Everything he has done in the last few weeks is why the last ten years or so of WWE have been a bit of blur for me. I don’t remember any of his numerous title reigns being of any importance.
He keeps making himself the focus of everything even though at the end of the day no one really remembers what he’s done or why he’s done it. He’s the modern day Hulk Hogan. He’s positioning himself as top dog and basically damning any possible good that could come out of the Punk/Cena feud.
Every time his music hits, I’m pulling up the channel guide to see what else is on. I’m a big believer that the current WWE staff needs to go back and watch PPVs from early to mid 90s. Everything would improve. Commentary would improve, titles would be of importance, maybe there could be decent tag team matches.
Triple H needs to take a page from Vince’s book. Mr. McMahon was an evil dick, but he wasn’t invincible and knew when to let the wrestlers get the upper hand. So far the “immortal” Triple H is killing what pulled a lot of casual viewers back in to the fold.
@TinkyTime yeah, I heard that too.
I don’t know how I got to this point, but I think I’m starting to feel sorry for John Morrison. Sure, he’s got the personality of a hockey puck, and he doesn’t or can’t do anything real people would do in a fight (seriously, just punch the guy John, you don’t have to do a flip or anything), but it seems like the crowds like him and he tries to do things that look cool. He even got one of those highlight videos when he came back. Mark Henry got one and proceeded to break the legs off anything with a pulse. Morrison’s been pinned four times in a row, his girlfriend got canned, and she’s nuts. If he shows up on Summerslam I’m afraid they’re going to drop an anvil on him. It’s like Homer Simpson beating up the Krustyburglar: stop it, he’s already dead.
Great work again, Brandon! Your Best/Worsts are the only wrestling posts I can stand.
1) what’s the dig on CRZ all about? Anything specific? I support your position already.
2) why don’t you do Smackdown too?
3) Why don’t you do Impa- never mind.
Brandon, you forgot about the chance that Raw opens up with HHH in the ring already for his monologue, and we don’t hear time to play the game until after his 20 minutes. What are the chances Steph shows up at Summerslam? 10%? 20%
I wish the amount of Triple H angst/hate/schadenfreude in this post and collected comments were a person, because I would totally hug him/her right now.
I wish HHH would just go away. I thought this Punk angle was going to be spectacular but it’s Alllllll about him… As usual Whatever happens will be ruined by him.
/John Cena member GLADD
Kofi Kingston’s music, apparel, and hand clapping anger me to no end. I saw a young white trash boy in Walmart wearing a Kofi shirt and a Cena Purple hat the other day. I wanted to curb stomp his idiot father.
/John Morrison Gay
I haven’t watched WWE since it was still WWF but I read every one of these columns because of how well done they are. Thank you!
Seriously, why don’t you do this for Smackdown too? Don’t pretend you’re not watching it..
If Punk wins as all part of his master plan to rule the roost on Raw as Triple H himself did oh so long ago, I don’t think Triple H will have to say a thing. I think we could just as easily hear Punk’s music and listen to him drop buzzwords and THEN sure, Triple H will have his moment to remember how awesome it was when he was young and popular.
I guess what I’m saying is that just because he’s the new general manager, this is not going to turn into the Triple H Show staring Triple H. I think an Era of Punk could do just fine.
Love the recaps.
Alberto Del Rio. Why can’t they make the MITB case a 24/7 stipulation like the old hardcore title where he could fight the champ at any time? Otherwise, I feel like I’m wasting my time waiting for the inevitable cash-in at the end of some random pay per view. It’d turn Cena into some sleep-deprived meth-head, only able to talk to R-Truth, and would be a more plausible, enjoyable scenario that when JBL owned the services of Shawn Michaels.
Truly one of the consistently great articles on the internet. As a recent fan of wrestling, this gives a whole lot of background that I lack.
Keep it up!
I’ve been a wrestling fan for 20 years now, and nobody has baffled me more than Triple H. Why does/did anybody ever cheer him? Who are his fans? Even going back to DX, he was always just the boring guy standing next to HBK, doing whatever HBK did. His matches are boring (I seriously can’t think of one that I’d ever want to watch again), his promos are boring, and his gimmick is boring. The Game? The Cerebral Assassin? Those phrases don’t mean anything.
However, I actually thought the contract signing segment (though I feel like they do these every month now) was good.
I knew a guy a few years ago who was very intelligent and well-read, and it seemed like his sole purpose for having all of that knowledge was to immediately correct you any time you voiced an opinion or observation. If his interactions with the rest of humankind could be summed up in three words, they would be, “Well, ACTually…no.”
He’s the guy that HHH wishes he was.
*Great work B, longtime listener/longtime caller, etc.*
Dear Brandon,
There’s always something I really look forward to in your columns, and I never get it, but am instead surprised by something even better. This week, I was hoping for some reference to the awkward but very articulate relationship discussions between Luis y Raquel. Next week, I’ll be looking for a section heading along the lines of “Unequivocally Best, But Ubiquitously Worst”
I don’t twitter, but I think those of you that do should hashtag #JohnCenaGay and get that a trending.
Alternative to Punk/Cena finish: HHH calls it down the middle, Punk wins clean, and then HHH lays him out. Grab the mic, “Don’t forget who is in charge!” He leaves the ring and Del Rio cashes in to take championship. This leaves a HHH/Punk feud and sets up Del Rio vs Mysterio for the Mexican tour this fall as Mysterio never got his rematch against Cena. Cena goes on to do another feud with who cares. Maybe some time off until Survivor Series just in time for Rock’s return. Punk comes back for title after HHH feud against Del Rio. Hire me WWE.
I’m not gonna try to throw around bullshit terms to explain why I don’t like Cena…all I can say is that his matches are boring to me, and the way he usually wins is as cheesy and predictable as Ezekial Jackson’s preposterous bodyslam marathons.
I thought this week’s show was pretty boring until the ending segment, which had peaks and valleys. Every time I felt that it might take off and become enjoyable, Triple H snuck in with a comment, or Cena would “slyly” segue into his Boston accent. The Punk and Cena conversation at the end was overall solid though.
Keep up these reviews, by the way. I watch Raw pretty much just so that the week’s Best/Worst makes sense.
/jcg
B, you’re like the Grant Morrison of Best/Worse articles. Also, I shoot LOL’d at “jort-shattering”.
From my vantage point, all signs point to a Punk/HHH feud (either with Hunter fighting or someone else fighting as his proxy), and I’m okay with it. Punk wants the WWE championship because of the podium it provides him (not to mention recognition as the best wrestler), but if he is indeed on a crusade to change the WWE he doesn’t necessarily need the belt. It also seems that Punk and H-cubed are a perfect match:
- Trips is in charge, Punk is an employee.
- Trips wants to be loved by everyone, Punk (appears to) say whatever he wants, no matter what other people think.
- Trips is a politician, Punk is an anarchist.
- Trips might make references to “reality” but loves kayfabe and the control it gives him; Punk is comfortable being himself.
- Trips is an entertainer, Punk is a wrestler.
In real life — instead of “Wrestling real” — Punk and Trips are very similar, but their characters conflict easily, and some kind of prorated battle appears on the horizon. In that vein, I won’t be disappointed when HHH declares himself the WWE champion and/or hands the belt over to Alberto del Rio, because Trips isn’t going to go away. Hopefully CM Punk can make even Trips presence a good thing.
Because I’m first and foremost a comic book nerd that’s how I filter everything. That said, I love that Punk’s superpower is the ability to shrug off anyone’s promo. We saw it a couple months ago when he totally blanked Austin’s threats. We see it pretty much every time he interacts with HHH (“Straight to DVD, same as yours” Oooo, face!). While that sort of thing makes me him the perfect foil for HHH. Still, after their match last night I’d much rather watch three months of Del Rio and Punk going back and forth.
I also love Cena’s ability to become a more whitebread version of whoever the most recent most popular wrestler was. For the last decade that’s been the Rock/Austin hybrid action. But with the ascension of Punk, he’s started adopting a lot of the inside baseball stuff Punk does (Punk mocks The Greenwich Bluebood history of HHH and then Cena later mocks Johnny Ace and his skateboard).
R-Truth as one of the New Gods. I have no words that are not embarrassing gushing for us both. But seriously, you win the internet forever in my book for that.
I can’t wait for the podcast!
Also, please write more about the anonymous general manager. I can’t stop thinking about that, and they aren’t talking about it anymore!
John Cena gay.
/200 comments, here we come
//heh heh, “come”
I am going to plug your article as my facebook status. Also Dirk is awesome but I hated him until he decided to f**k Miami’s Christmas. I can’t wait for the B/W of SS.
Every monday, this column is one of the posts I look forward to reading the most. Awesome job. That being said, I think you should let your girlfriend jump in and write a paragraph or two as well. I get the feeling it’d be pretty entertaining.
It’s a shame that the last paragraph of Page 8 so accurately describes what will transpire.
Had to skip to the end to see if Scott Keith’s name actually made it in the column…..guhhhhhh.
If you think CRZ was a reactionary dick, you might want to go over anything with “NetCop” in the title again. Time has not been kind to that smarmy Canadian asshole, and I’m not necessarily referring to the constant Alberta blowies thrown out in the direction of WWE’s Lord Voldemort.
Orlando Jordan Bi
Michael Cole as Wolverine.
/john cena straight, just very metro
Boot, pedigree
Get used to it, because you’re going to be seeing it an awful lot.
The only way I wouldn’t hate it is if it was on those fucking Twix cops.
Even then, I’d rather see them beat the shit out of him with their nightsticks.
Why is this so fucking similar to Matt Fowler’s Wrap Up????
Hi!
I’m one of those people that’s started watching WWE again in the wake of the Punk ‘shoot’ promo a few weeks back (I zoned out towards the end of the Attitude Era). So I apologise for any noobish naivety but here are a few observations I have:
R-Truth is slowly being turned into a Moppy-era Perry Saturn.
In an ideal world, CM Punk referencing Curb Your Enthusiasm (“FUNKMAN!”) would have got a Chicago-sized pop.
In this PG/PC post-GLAAD era and in the interest of equality, I think Jerry Lawler should be contractually obliged to vocally admire Alberto Del Rio’s big cock and balls as often as he drools over a pair of Diva tits.
Is Vince going to come back and turn out to be the father of Kharma’s baby, or have they stopped doing shit like that?
Can’t wait to hear Punk rag on ‘Southland Tales’ when The Rock comes back.
Has anyone used the line ‘Adolf Ziggler’ yet?
PS: These articles are great and are quickly becoming the only reason I’m still watching RAW. I’m proud to be part of the 200.
PPS: Pat Patterson gay.
The fact you mentioned how annoying the Twix commercial has become is the reason I’m leaving this comment. Major kudos. Fuck that commercial.
Fast forwarded through this Raw more than the previous few weeks, prob cause once I heard HHH say he was gonna be the specialist special referee evah, I felt like we were in the same ol rut again. Sure it seems different cuz they are all dropping insidery references, but at the end we are still following the formula. This could still end up being different (though like most of you I can’t see any way it doesn’t start with “time to play the game” at the start of Raw), but they need to find a way to stop me pavlov’s dogging with the FFW button every Raw.
All that being said, I did randomly stop and catch Cena take credit for making up the word transcendence during that teen award segment. Best part was him saying, not to put the word in the dictionary, but in the URBAN dictionary, cuz thug life yo, he don’t use no normal dictionary.
It’s kinda funny, I remember us all sitting around watching Starcade 95, and saying “Man, if Vince gets a hold of this Levesque guy, he’ll make him a star.”
Wonder how Phil feels about him now?
@Jorge, I’d love to sneak my way into writing a part of these. =) I’ll see what I can do!
So, I will probally get no respect for this, but isn’t it possible that there is just a small amount of overkill on the HHH hate? The dude has been In charge for *two weeeeeks*. Vince had to screw over Bret Hart to become the asshole we all hated. There was a defining moment where he showed he was in charge. You have to be on top to get knocked down. If this continues for the next few weeks, then yeah I get that. But he’s really not that bad so far unless you are focusing on it. Has Raw not been great (okay better than usual) recently? Give it some time to work itself out.
JCG (can we make that a thing?)
@CJ – It’s not a matter of him being in charge, it’s a matter how how impossibly grating the character is to me. If you want to lump that in with “HHH hate” so be it, but I explained my reasons pretty thoroughly and didn’t just say I hated it because it was him.
@Oj – I’m not sure. I’ll check out the column and see.
“The Rock, even as a legitimate Hollywood movie star, even as a guy cutting promos from his balcony in Los Angeles, cannot let go of that lowest common denominator horsesh*t he’s been shoveling as babyface Rock his entire career. Bloated transvestite Wonder Woman. How does Punk call a guy a homo at a house show in Australia and make national news, but the star of Disney’s The Tooth Fairy can be transphobic as f**k on primetime television and nobody care? How does he do it? If people like you, do you get to say and do whatever you want? Is that why Roman Polanski keeps being called a genius? The stuff about Cena being a phony is good, and the stuff about him being a gay transvestite faggot woman needs to stop. For ev er. Remember when Stone Cold Steve Austin offered Stacy Keibler a beer and she politely turned it down, so he beat her up and everybody cheered? This is what your words are doing…”
THANK YOU. This is one part of the attitude era that seems super archaic nowadays, and haring all that homophobia and transphobia from a big name celeb strikes the wrong note.
Brandon, I have enjoyed your write ups the past month, and being awesome enough to articulate this has cemented things for me. I am a fan and have reposted a link to your column on my tumblr, liked it on facebook, googleplus’d it and retweeted it. Keep it up.
“He just needs to call his Flatliner the “Anti-Life Equation”.” Each week you impress with your vast knowledge!
Damn You Brandon! The shutdown of WU still holds a unhealed wound in my wrestling heart. I’ve just spent hours looking for Raging Retard’s post of “The Titanic Starring The Rock”. The only thing out there is some angelfire thing that has been edited in the middle with some Michael Cole bullshit. The person did at least keep the opening and ending though.
My favorite part is still:
Rose: Are you half black and half Samoan?
Rock: My dad can dunk a basketball, and my mom can eat a basketball.
Damn, I hate Matt Macbeth.
If RR, Sickboy, Leth, and Gonchar are still alive, put them on your podcast.
/WU was FJM’ing writers before FJM was thought of
/It was hilarious
/O&A should not have banned Sickboy after that Rock bullshit
/You have the same fears as me on #HHHCuntRifle
“Both guys look like they deserve to be holding the belt, and whoever can manage to defeat the other at Summerslam is going to be respected and look strong when Triple H is standing over them, posing.”
Caught this the second time through. These are like fourth season Simpsons episodes to me.
For the record, I hate John Cena (gay) and most of what he says on camera, but I think he had some mic work this week. Could it be that this storyline might actually add some depth to his character? You know, other than “never back down” and “take beating for 10 minutes, then no-sell for the last two.”
^ Add “great” before “mic”
I commented on last weeks best and worst by mistake… so here we go again.
I had mentioned that I thought this new era of 3H as COO is paralleling dangerously close to the old McMahon-Helmsley era of WWE. In my opinion the darkest time of the WWE in the last 10 years.
For roughly a year it was 3H holding down most of the company and the same stale story lines being played out over and over again. The era ushered in the new PG era of WWE as well. (Not to say Linda Mac’s Senate run had nothing to do with it.)
Anyhow, great column. It’s become a weekly must read for me. Much better than any of 411′s analysis.
With 3H in charge, can we expect a Katie Vick appearance anytime soon?
It’s kind of ironic that in the comments section of a BoR calling out the Rock for transphobia and homophobia, there are several commenters using “gay” as an insult. :(
@Shawn Struck – The “john cena gay” comments are a running gag, sort of an example of people who don’t read the column and post their show thoughts anyway. Nobody typing that is actually calling John Cena gay. I mean, hopefully.
Obligatory /John Cena Gay post to help reach 200 comments
i jsut want to know if anyone heard JR call Swagger Ryderduring the Cena/Swagger match? i had to rewind my DVR to make sure i heard it right lol
Best of Raw: Learning that Sheamus will be on Conan, Thursday.
John Cena Gay
John Morrison is a stuntman who flips and has quite a head of hair
My “Best Of” would be Ricardo Rodriguez jacking Josh Mathews’ backstage interview with ADR. He truly is a treasure.
Childish Gambino and Anti-Life Equation references in a wrestling post? Excuse me while I cry tears of nerd-joy
Last week Scott Pilgrim, and Childish Gambino this week. We should be friends, B.
My thoughts on your thoughts:
-I hate hate hate hate hate that 3H has to involve himself in the Summerslam match. Their angle was great without having to involve him. My excitement died.
-Leaping Twink forever.
-I liked Miz this week except for the commercials. WWE wants to create a “universe,” but it’s really just making a bunch of really stupid parallel dimensions.
-What’s the point of making such a big deal that Morrison’s coming back just to turn him into a more bejazzled Eve? Not that I care, but face jobbers are completely useless.
-I mostly enjoyed Cena on the mic at the end, except that he’s so damn preachy. “Here’s where I drop some truth on you.” Thanks, GI Rainbow Joe!
Anyways, good job as always.
/jcg
Hey. HEY. We pronounce it as “VERSE” in Parma!
Wait, I mean “VERSUS.” CRAP.
@Brandon I understand your reasons for disliking HHH and they make sense. The point I was trying to get at, and maybe I missed, was that I feel you are focusing too much on him. I think you could brush a lot off and credit it to inexperience within the new role. He’s annoying yeah but personally he doesn’t ruin the show. The comment I made was also addressed to the people who said they changed the channel when they saw him, which seemed a little much to me. I have faith that this new direction will hold strong.
BTW love the article and that you actually respond to comments. The hard work is truly appreciated
@CJ – Thank you, I appreciate it.
And yeah, you’re probably right that I focused too much on H. A lot of people are telling me it’s inexperience and that he’ll get comfortable in the new role eventually, but all I’m seeing are the last 15 years of Triple H, and I don’t think that’s going to suddenly vanish, or that he’s going to turn into that Vince type who will sometimes show ass and get knocked off cage walls to make his wrestlers look good. All I can see is H getting his title back from Jericho, H pedigreeing Booker T and taking 4 hours to pin him, pinning Goldberg, squashing London and Kendrick by himself, pedigreeing Zack Ryder, telling CM Punk and Christian that they’re nobodies, etc.
I hate hate hate that the hottest angle in years has now been turned into the Aych Aych Aych show. Thanks for the lulz.
Page 8 was pure fucking gold. You’re absolutely right, whether it’s Paul’s own ego or Vince’s the last three weeks of WWE programming (Raw and Smackdown) has been a Triple H wank-fest. It’s like he’s suddenly Vince’s proxy as in everything’s about Vince because Vince has replaced himself with Hunter.
They’ve got to stop it, or pretty soon they’ll have a guy with enough title belts to build a house getting the same reaction as Michael Cole.
Here’s a crazy idea, just let the wrestlers go out there, treat the ones that “get over” like stars then pair them up and have them fight.
Because, this shit, has me really resenting Triple H right now.
It’s easy to jump on the 3H Hate Wagon. But there’s a reason for it.
I stopped paying a lot of attention to wrestling after I graduated high school in 2003. Of course, that was due to other events going on etc… but I remember thinking “Eh, no big deal, just the same old 3H every week.”
To be able to come back to it 8 YEARS later and see it being done again is a prime example that history always repeats its self.
Anytime talent needs a bukkake party, 3H and company will be there.
Oh and one more thing. Someone tell Micahel Cole to shut the fuck up about twitter. Just put #Raw up there and let us worry about tweeting. Well us and Dave Lagana.
As soon as Triple H announced he was going to be the guest referee, I thought “he’s gonna win the WWE Championship at SummerSlam”. I don’t know how it will happen, but if he wants to be the new Vince and an uber-heel, that’s a good way to do it.
On the other hand, since Triple H has not wrestled a match of any consequence since vs. Undertaker at Wrestlemania, I could be totally wrong. He doesn’t want to get beat up for money anymore; he just wants the money brought to his office in brand new Zero-Halliburton briefcases.
So I used two paragraphs to say “I don’t know what will happen.”
My friends, who deeply hate John Cena to the point I think they might actually be deranged, repeatedly and ferociously state the “fact” that “70% of his audience is women and 20% are kids”. I’m curious: has this “fact” been posted somewhere? Is there a website that breaks down the audience for each wrestler? Because that would be an interesting site.
I’d also be glad if whoever created that Twix commercial died in a fire, possibly set by the Bella Twins.
I was really hoping they’d mine some humor from HHH as THE BOSS, cause that could be fun without turning it into the early 2000′s.
Imagine if instead of doing all this “LOOK AT ME CRAP” we got occasional vignettes where he had to deal with R-Truth demanding a No-Spider clause in his contract, or convincing Albert Del Rio that the WWE won’t pay for his announcer because they already have those.
It’s just a bummer to see the company go in such an interesting direction, only to retreat right back to where they came from.
Great write-up, as always. This column actually got me watching wrestling again.
To continue my fantasy booking from yesterday (above in comments), Cena returns in November to take title from Del Rio. Let them feud a while… Punk goes back and forth with HHH with Punk going over HHH to finish that in December. Cena retains title all the way until Wrestlemania for the Rock match, but… HHH continues to harass Punk by putting him as the first entry in the Rumble. Punk gets last laugh by winning and making Wrestlemania a 3-way match. Rock puts Punk over.
“Santino Marella and his wacky Manger Babies”
Ha, best “King of the Hill” reference ever!
Spot on! While I enjoyed the show quite a lot (despite your valid criticisms), you were on point so many times!
Punk seems to have a leash on him (boo), and Cena’s ‘heel persona’ (‘Yes, I am in fact better than you, and everyone else. I spit hot fire and beat the locker room with my genetic superiority. I’m corny and a panderer. And. I. Don’t. Care. Come-at-me,bro.’) is right there on the table. He’s our Ubermensche Savior, to contrast the Straight Edge Savior.
Artruth the New God of Fourth World is fucking genius beyond reproach. From here on out, his finisher MUST be exclusively referred to as the Antilife Equation.
As for Summerslam? I hope that, right before HHH shenanigans can start (I loved the “is this the fix?” angle Punk played), the lights go dark. Let the Undertaker come back, destroy HHH and say “You’re on for April,” then walk away.
That’s some good workrate, Brandon.
is it me. or would Dolph Ziggler be taken more serious if his name wasnt Dolph Ziggler? he sounds like he wants to be a porn star not a wrestler. I like the guy he is talented but his name just makes me want to hate him.
I just read the article through again and it’s really, really good. I don’t know if I prefer the articles when there’s more Best entries (because it honestly is refreshing to read an article from someone funny and smart who still likes wrestling and isn’t just URGH RATINGS BUY RATES DRESS CODES BANNED WORDS) or when there’s more Worst ones (because those are often funnier, especially any time you pick on Jack Swagger) but either way, I’m always entertained.
Also I hate the hard cam thing too.
jack swagger lisp
“Cuntrifle”… awesome. Can’t wait to see the signs.
Still great stuff when you hate the show. A couple comments:
1) Is that Rachel Summerlyn thing true? Because I love Boy Meets World.
2) Artruth the New God is amazing. Inspired by the Jack Kirby facts posted earlier?
3) Holy crap do you hate Eve Torres.
4) Agreed about the Divas stuff, but of course reeducation about the Divas could (should) come from WWE as well so it’s still all on them. Giving them a chance in the framework of that petition just means they’ll get more screentime to execute poorly written angles.
5) The Formation of the New Blood was terrible (and yes possibly the most terrible ever) but a fun game was rewatching that clip and trying to name everyone in the ring. I’m sure you can do it but I was stumped by quite a few faces.
6) Here is why HHH sucks already: This feud had momentum and was getting tons of interest from even outside normal wrestling fans which is what WWE ultimately covets. Now the momentum has been slowed severely and the focus has been drawn away from what was getting noticed in the first place. If this HHH angle needs to be executed fine but do it in a couple months to maybe add new life to a dying feud. I get the point of making him a force such that when someone does finally knock him off his mountain it’s significant but this is done at the expense of something better right now. I hope that made sense.
@Ragingape – It absolutely is. Seasons one and two.
Nightmare: HHH calls Stephanie “in referee shirt” down to the ring. “I’ve made an executive decision. I can’t call this match fairly… BECAUSE I’M IN IT.”
/time to play the gay
Reality: Cena and/or Punk get screwed by HHH (because it’s what the fans want), Del Rio cashes in, is screwed by HHH (because apparently Del Rio will forget to bring a ref with him) and Cena and/or Punk retains. Result? An endless series of 3-way dances. Seriously. It will never end.
I seem to be on the only person who hates the TWIX commercials because they changed the words to the song! “We can build this WORLD together?” It’s THING you fools! THING!!!! OK, so it IS just me. Got it.
/Me surprisingly not gay after that observation
“People who say Cena needs to “improve his workrate” should have to shampoo Jack Nicholson’s crotch.”
That line nearly made me choke on my iced coffee.
I will admit, Rock’s promo made me giggle for the most part, and I really liked Cena’s response to it. Cena’s skills as a wrestler have never impressed me, but what has always bugged me most about him is that I always felt he had more potential as an antihero or even a heel than as the babyface I kept seeing. I enjoy Cena as a wiseass far more than when he’s playing the “never gonna quit” martyr giving his all for his fans, blah-blah-blah.
As for HHH, I’m really hoping things will improve with him somehow, if only because I like to see him in a suit. :)
You know, the only reason I didn’t comment last week was because I read the column on my Android. Have you ever seen how this site loads and operates on an Android?
All I’d have said is ‘podcast gay’ anyway. Not a fan of that idea. I like reading too much. Good luck with it, but don’t replace the column.
I actually don’t think they’d go so far as to put the belt on Triple H, but who knows? Maybe next Monday’s breaking of the fourth wall will be all about how Triple H won’t rest until he has as many belts as Flair and he’ll reform Evolution with Vladimir Kozlov, David Hart ‘Harry’ Smith, and Chris Masters, and they’ll win all the belts and feud with Cena for the next six months while Punk gets drafted to Smackdown for no reason at all and spends the next year cutting amazing promos and taking RKOs.
Either way, I find I’m about 20% as interested as I was a month ago. Because of Triple H. I don’t hate the guy, but any angle he’s in is ruined by default. You made the point last week: Triple H absolutely refuses to look bad. Ever. His mere has sucked the life out of a red hot angle and a moderately decent wrestling show.
None of which should surprise anyone, quite frankly.
Mere presence*
“That should be the new way to deal with Triple H. Whenever he shows up, tell him to shut up, call him an asshole and dismiss him with a wanking motion. Eventually I think he’d get the point, and COO somewhere else.”
There’s a Mr. Capley on the line that would like to refute this statement, sir.
I mentioned this in my last post, but history repeats its self HARD when it comes to WWE.
So instead of this McMahon-Helmsley-esque (see what I did there?) route let’s go another.
DX was used as a foil to Vince all those years, played to hilarious and humiliating gags. If 3H’s jumped on board with something similar he’d make us all love him and get a bunch of guys over.
Also, John Cena is gay.
YOU SEE BRANDON LIKES TO WRITE DOWN HIS THOUGHTS ABOUT WRESTLING TAZ
Technically, R-Truth’s finisher is more of a Novocaine than a Flatliner.
The Flatliner was more of an inverted Russian Leg Sweep.
/nerd
R-Truth’s finisher is actually pretty much Shelton Benjamin’s WWE finisher, which is pretty much Dolph Ziggler’s finisher done from the front instead of the back. It’s basically a Jumping Whatever, pulled from WWE’s frighteningly small pool of generic finishing moves that don’t risk neck or spinal damage.
This is the most I’ve ever enjoyed Cena’s character. I think Punk brings out the best in him.
But still…John Cena Gay.
Wasn’t Bret Hart suppose to be brought back onto the program for some reason?? I need some more foot-themed matches.
Seriously, though folks, that podcast sounds great. But avoid the live call-ins and just set up a Google voice so that you have weekly fodder for “Mr. 5 out of 6 Rating”‘s call in to give his slack-jawed thoughts on how awesome the Miz is…and how John Cena gay.
keep up the good work dude, I’m pretty much watching raw these days just so I can read this after.
bummed out about the masters cut as he would of been a valuable addition to the standard kofi/bourne good guy option.
John Cena Hummus
Thank you so much for writing this series man, I really appreciate it! I love out in middle o’ nowhere Asia so I can’t catch the shows live, but at least with your articles I can better decide whether or not they’re worth downloading. Keep it up for as long as you can!
We need a second wind here to get to 200.
By the way, wasn’t Vader on Boy Meets World? Maybe that explains Summerlyn’s devotion to the show.
“If you’re paying attention, John Cena is already a heel. It’s why we’re booing him. He’s just an incredibly moral heel who is getting more and more boxed in. Remember how the Four Horsemen would get booed by everybody in the building except for those dudes in suits in the front row? Remember when Diesel would only slap your hand if you were wearing a black glove? U No C ME headbands are the new black gloves, and women and children are the dudes in the front row.”
1) I loved those dudes in the suits, they were the first fans on TV to “get it”. The Horsemen were awesome and heel as they must, they were the whole show.
2) Your assessment of Cena as the heel is interesting. It’s hard to parse, but when Cena is in the ring with the new VKM, he’s basically the Corporate Champion.
One other thing, I pop for John Laurinaitis as the new stooge and taking bumps is the most entertaining he has ever been! I can’t remember ONE THING about Johnny Ace, the in-ring guy. He’s so stony and awful than I can’t help but giggle like a little girl when he’s on screen because he is so OBVIOUSLY uncomfortable and it’s like “dude, didn’t you work in large venues for YEARS?!”. He looks like a kid on camera who gets shy when he realizes he’s on tv. It’s great unintentional comedy…or maybe VKM is sending Johnny out there to entertain himself. Whatever, it’s brilliant. More John Laurinaitis please!
Ha! Brandon – I think the Summer Slam results are pissing you off and the PPV hasn’t even happened yet! Money in the Bank was so epic that it John Cena Gay will suck by comparison, so I already have a bad feeling about it. Maybe they’ll finally use Kevin Nash and save the day instead of letting him collect dust.
PS… let your girl Destiny write something next week (with a pic of her in cosplay as Repo Man or Glacier or something)
“Seriously, we live in a weird golden age of social media where I can call Triple H a cuntrifle and three weeks from now we’ll see big CUNTRIFLE signs in the audience. By Survivor Series John Morrison has a “CUNTRIFLE” t-shirt and is getting over with the fans because he’s the first one to call Triple H that to his face. Okay, some of that his hyperbole. John Morrison isn’t going to get over, but you see what I’m saying.”
I wanna start calling Triple H “Jean-Paul-What-Used-To-Curtsy-Like-A-Girl” and see if it sticks. But “Cuntrifle” is pretty damned fly, I gotta say! :)
evan bourne virgin
150 comments, nice. Getting closer and closer to the 200 each week! Love the column, especially the Kirby and comic references!
I read this a week late and would like to still try and contribute to the cause of leaving another comment towards the 200 goal.
/John Cena, G.L.O.W. Champ
“No matter what happens, there is a 100% chance that Monday’s show starts with Time To Play The Game and Triple H explaining somebody’s actions.”
Wow man. I read that and believed you but didn’t want it to be true. I sat down today to watch Raw and what’s the first thing that happens? I hear “IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GAME!”. Couldn’t believe it. Damn. Oh well. At least he invited the champion out (who should have been starting the show).
Great stuff man. Read your blog/column each week and share it with others on forums. Keep it up.