Worst: I Want To Like This Beth Phoenix Promo, BUT I DON’T
This is how WWE Creative’s last meeting went down.
Writer #1: “Beth Phoenix is going to get a title shot, then beat up Kelly Kelly and tell her the time of pretty blonde bimbo champions is over.”
Writer #2: “okay”
Writer #1: “And then on Smackdown, Natalya is going to beat up AJ and basically say the same thing. And then we make them a team.”
Writer #2: “okay, sounds good”
Writer #1: “Right, so then Kelly Kelly beats Beth at Summerslam.”
Writer #2: “And then what happens”
Writer #1: “that’s as far as I got”
Writer #2: “How long will it take you to write more story”
Writer #1: “like eight months”
Writer #2: “okay we’ll just have them stall until you’re done”
And that leads us to last night, which felt like the biggest Copy/Paste of last week ever. Seriously, last week Eve Torres pinned a Bella Twin, so Beth and Natalya walked out dressed like roller derby girls who secretly aren’t that pretty and golf clapped. This week, Eve Torres pinned a Bella Twin, so Beth and Natalya walked out dressed like girls who want to be Bettie Page but clearly are not Bettie Page and golf clapped. The only difference is that this week we all got second-hand picture-in-picture embarrassment from Beth saying sentences about how great Kelly Kelly seems and Natalya saying “but we don’t” at the end of them like she’s trying to start a “what” chant. People say we want to be pretty like Kelly, but we don’t! People say we want to beat Kelly in a wrestling match, but we don’t. So what do we want? WE HAVE NO F**KING IDEA. And Tori Amos albums, from the way we’re dressed.
Worst: It’s Official, You Made Them Want Puppies Again
The “we want puppies” chant during the Eve and Bella Twin match is the most dangerous red flag of the year, because your “put everybody in pants and have them roll each other up every thirty seconds” experiment has failed. You have to give people joshi or you have to give them lingerie pillow fights, there is literally no room at our collective inn for this phony brand of almost wrestling. “I’m good at sports, but also sexy!” sucks when you aren’t actually good at sports. Look at that Price Is Right model who started driving for NASCAR. Look at Danica Patrick. Look at Anna Kournikova.
On the same tip, look at somebody like Hope Solo. Hope Solo looks like a seven foot tall version of Brandon Teena but is legitimately good at soccer, so she set the horny Internet world on fire for about two months of this year. That’s a lesson so few people seem to understand … a perfect, beautiful woman is great, but what’s even better is a passably-okay looking woman who is great at SOMETHING. WWE looks at Sara Del Ray and thinks she’s not what they want, and they’re right, but because she’s great at wrestling and not an excuse for a pee break she’d have more fan sites and more signs and more of a following in a month than five years of Eve Torres in a bikini. How many people do I know who think Sara Del Ray is the most beautiful woman ever? More than a few. How many people would think that if she had to pop her coochie before doing a handspring? How many wrestling fans would think SDR was hot if she was a normal lady who worked at the nurse’s office? We’ve got a way of justifying the beauty of people who do what we love well, and that’s a severely, depressingly absent thing in WWE.
Worst: The Worst Finish In Pro Wrestling
The less said about Alex Riley the better, but “guy gets distracted by something happening outside the ring, then turns around and immediately loses to whatever happens” is the worst finish ever. Worse than the Dusty finish, worse than a referee botching a three count and having to point at the timekeeper for thirty seconds while everybody stand around confused, worse than the “we landed at the SAME TIME” cage match escape, worse than the Tommy Rich at your local independent fed battling to the back for a DQ after four minutes of shoulder holding. It’s wretched, and they do it all the time. They did it twice last night. I know that you want to protect your guys and make them look like they lost without actually losing to the other guy’s science, but damn, it’s Jack Swagger. The only thing that could save Swagger at this point is a Machine mask.
Worst: Woof, This Middle Part Of Raw Is Terrible
I’m getting very close to typing AND FURTHERMORE, F**K WWE FOREVERRRR on this page so I’m going to sum it up with a collective worst: I honestly enjoyed the show a lot, but this middle part between Kelly Kelly and Eve’s pre-commercial break 3/4th camera stance pow-wow and Dolph Ziggler magically knocking Vickie Guerrero down and costing Jack Swagger a match against Player One is just the pits. Just terrible, water-treading wrestling that accomplishes nothing and makes everything look like a cut scene you should be skipping. I like a lot of these people, too. I like Ziggler a lot, I think Vickie managing Swagger is a great idea, I’ve warmed to Kelly Kelly. It’s just… I don’t know, I was almost hoping for Hornswoggle to come jogging across the screen with a cleaver-wielding Chavo Guerrero in tow just so I could have something construtive to bitch about.
Counterpoint to this is that if I was doing The Best And Worst of Impact Wrestling I’d be applauding them for not overbooking the miscarrying widow angle and for being restrained enough to just have Angelina Love and Winter clap at Mickie James. It’s all about context. Context I desperately wish I could convince myself to fast-forward through.
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Fuck and yes on the SUPER LIVE SMACKDOWN LIVE BLOG, plz.
I don’t think we can vote Bateman, he has to earn Redemption Points. Which is a thing that hasn’t been done since he joined. It’s probably been ten weeks since the last elimination. Every segment is a match now.
I don’t understand you, NXT.
I’m pretty sure I saw this whole episode on “Vintage Classics” last Saturday.
“It’s the difference in saying “The Big Bossman is fat” and “The Big Bossman isn’t really a cop”.”
Looking back at the initial promo, Punk is a fucking master at this. He mentioned NJPW and ROH, but those are real places. He mentioned John Laurinaitis as the head of Talent Relations, which is an actual title that the fiction can hold, unlike “creative”. Never once was there a hint that the wrestling or characters or Hall of Fame is staged.
John Cena being put in that same position would just be a “WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER, IT’S ALL FAKE ANYWAY BUT YOU GUYS STILL LIKE ME RIGHT”, trying to sell merchandise not realizing that people aren’t going to buy merchandise for products they’re already losing interest in.
Tom, where is your internet etiquette? Being FIRST! without stating as such? For shame.
Also, appreciate the shout-out!
I hate to rain on the parade, but I don’t think that the title was on the line against Morrison last night, at least according to wwe.com
[www.wwe.com]
I also find it hilarious that they won’t even show Morrison’s clothesline in the vid of the match
The only way to normalize Michael Cole is to have Jerry Lawler be the prick he used to be 87 years ago. The “I disagree with everything you say” counterpointed by “YEAH WELL I’M TALKING LOUDER AND DISAGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU SAY” schtick is getting old between Lawler and Cole and frankly the booth can’t survive without them because JR isn’t full time for whatever reason and Booker T is neither here nor this right here.
If Punk and Cena can walk the good guy/bad guy line than the announcer have to be gray as well and that’s the only way Cole comes back down to Earth and the WWE doesn’t waste a good however-many-years it took to make Cole what he is – probably the best play-by-play they have or could have.
So yeah it’s good to have Lawler act like a normal human being for once because it’s the only way Cole will ever stop being this switch flicking-holy-shit-Miz-is-out-there-I-have-to-get-back-in-to-character guy.
Personal question: too many hyphens?
“I asked Destiny to name the worst thing that could happen on Raw.”
That sounds like either the worst or best strip club conversation ever.
/I’m sure she’s a lovely woman; no offense meant
@ILovePaleHose – No offense taken, she gets it all the time.
Soooo… Gohan is John Cena, Triple H is Goku, and Del Rio is Cell? Can we have Kevin Nash as Mr. Satan? I guess what I’m trying to say is: CM Punk = Vegeta or ban.
Fantasy booking is fun.
i think raw needs more guys desperately. and way less eve.
Jack Tunney was the anonymous RAW GM.
“If Best and Worst has to have a running gag, let it be something that doesn’t confuse and dissuade the new people.”
Can it PLEASE be “Captain Cuntrifle”? They’ll just think it’s some sort of KSK Rex Ryan reference.
I’m intrigued to see where all this goes, and that’s good. Still won’t be buying any more PPVs in the near future though. I keep thinking of ways that they get Cena to a full on heel soon and I’m having a hard time getting there. It’s possible they don’t need to, as the adults in the audience doing stuff like booing the shit out of him and throwing shirts back while a bunch of little kids are losing their minds because they would have killed for a shirt might be even better.
Yes for live blogging Super smash smackdown brawl 18 and another yes for best/worst for Friday’s Smackdown. and of course my FAVORITE LINE EVER….
The Miz held the WWE Championship for 163 days, and his only victories in that span were disqualifications and Alex Riley Guardian Force summons.
I was on the fucking floor.
That Murderface “zazz” line had me rolling, and a Guardian Force reference? Jesus man, you tryin to make me gay for you?
@YeshMan – Best case scenario!
Destiny is a stone cold fox, and one of many reasons you should follow @MrBrandonStroud on Twitter, as he occasionally will #humblebrag about her. Also, wonderful vid on the YouTubes of the shirt being thrown back
[www.youtube.com]
Brandon,
How do you remember everything? There is no way in hell I would have ever in my life thought of Carl Winslow wrestling ever again, until you mentioned it.
Also, why no best for “I’M FLYING!”?
@Keyser – Because he does it a lot when he does the springboard. Like when people were all “did he say It’s Clobberin’ Time? Awesome!” at Money in the Bank when he’s been doing it since like 2007.
And yeah, I’ve got a pretty weird memory. I can remember asinine bullshit from 100 years before I was born, but couldn’t tell you what my fourth grade teacher’s name.
What’s this? What’s Jack Tunney doing in the Impact Zone.
Also next week…CM Punk takes RAW hostage for the first 20 minutes. Everything old is new again.
I would like Eve Torres is a bikini. I miss the Summer Slam commercials.
Rob Van Dam is the worst thing ever, its nice that someone else thinks so too.
I can’t believe you spent 400 words bashing Punk’s speech where he said that HHH keeps his cell phone and balls in Stephanie’s purse. The line was perfect, as was the delivery. And totally unexpected to hear balls in that context.
@Gonzo – I’m not sure “bashing” is what I did. I just think at some point he’s got to go to another zinger besides “you are married to Stephanie”.
Also the your balls are in your wife’s purse is said by every guy who has a friend who is married.
DIAF: The Tale of a Wrestler’s Dog
AFK: The Raw GM!
WTF: NXT Seasons 1-6!
Please live blog every Smackdown. That would give me a reason to muster up an argument when my wife wants to watch HGTV. Right now the best I can come up with is ” … but Daniel Bryan might not lose”.
I think the “Don’t do what Rob Van Dam does” line would’ve been just a tad funnier if you’d gone full-boar and written, “Don’t Do What Robby Don’t Does”, and then watched 90% of your audience not get it, and say “He could have made that clearer”.
Also, how great was Truth’s “What’s Up Feat. The Miz (Lil’ Jimmy Remix)”? If they’re going to give him that awful song back as an entrance theme, the least they can do is have him use it to insult the crowd (and have most of them probably not realize he’s doing it).
Brandon, amazing as always and this is where I do my happy flail dance over you talking about actually doing a best and worst for Smackdown. :| but I will continue to lobby for it until I see it with my own eyes.
As for the part at the end with Del Rio actually looking angry and not like someone pretending where you aware that was one of the hardest parts for him? He’s mentioned a few times that learning to sell with his face was difficult after spending so many years under the mask. It blows my mind he had trouble with it when to me he’s the best person on the roster to convey feelings.
Woke my wife up laughing at the ADR belt-shot. Cena was *positive* he was gunning for his face.
Couldn’t agree with you more about the middle ground in women’s wrestling (i.e. there really is none that works). Explaining “Divas” to my wife (a new wrestling fan) kind of made me sad — “well, they suck a lot at wrestling and now they’re not allowed to be explicitly sexy….so there’s…there’s not much appeal. At all.”
Prefer they go full-Joshi, but they need to head toward one extreme or the other to hold my dumb attention.
I whole hardily agree with your points about Lawler’s commentary last night. Holy shitballs. It’s one thing to build heat with a wrestler, Jesse Ventura and Bobby the Brain were doing it plenty in ’87.
JV: “Let me tell ya something, Gorilla, I heard from a reliable source that The Pukester Hulk Hogan beats cuddly animals and farts in the mouths of the elderly in his spare time.”
Not
JL: “Despite overwhelming evidence, I think this wrestler is boring and no one should watch him.”
There should be an attempt at meaning behind anything on WWE TV. Be it a push for popularity, or just to establish what this character is supposed to be, not “ramblings of an old wrestling pedophile” on ringside.
come for the wrestling, stay for the Dragonball Z refrences. great post as always Brandon.
Did you seriously just pretend you don’t know the name of the girl from Paramore?
You are fooling nobody, doggo. You are fooling absolutely nobody.
@Simon – I absolutely know her name, but if I’m like “it involves Hayley!” it doesn’t convey the same message as “the cute girl from Paramore”.
I’m sorry, but they’re not called “Ghan-Am Connection”. They’re called Korn, and that’s all the discussion we’re having about it.
Don’t tell us not to call Cena gay on the first page and then call him gay yourself on the second. It’s confusing, and we’re relying on you to make all this make sense with your writing each week… I feel scared and alone now
Good lord, I loved the Shane McMahon jumping chair shot on The Rock from No Way Out in 2000. Also, BRB: The Chris Benoit Story is awesome. Well done.
Morrison is just pissing me off at this point. He and Del Rio had a pretty damn good match last night, but he just can’t stop fucking up the stuff that makes it look like he’s in an honest to goodness fight. Get to a goddamn boxing gym, learn how to throw a punch, and then learn how to pretend to do that.
I thought it was kinda funny and a little sad when Punk said Santa wasn’t real at 9:10pm, probably with a shitload of little kids still watching. And even though the earth moved under my feet today, the picture of the Bushwhackers and Carl Winslow is easily the most amazing thing to happen to me today. Nice job as always, B.
BRB: The Chris Benoit Story
It is nigh impossible to stifle the laugh that produced. And I have a desk job. Also, I’m going to hell for it probably, but thanks for at least making it worth it.
As always, love the B&W. Best part of my Tuesdays.
/Yes to any B&W you want to do.
These are so entertaining. Any chance of a Super Smackdown Best/Worst?
I am having a fear for whatever PPV is next. I doubt Punk can hit the GTS on Nash because of size, leaving him with the Anaconda Vice finish. However, even at 53 and washed up(if he ever had a prime), anyway see Big Kev tapping?
Also, I was digging Otungacutty’s “We’re losing these belts soon” outfits. Very Streets of Rage 2.
John Cena cool
John Cena win
John Cena champion
Riddle me this, Brandon….why was Bate-man (that’s how he should pronounce it) hanging and champagning with the faces last night? Do the worlds of NXT and non-NXT WWE not exist on a similar plane? Because Bate-man is pretty big jerk on that show. “As the leprechaun turns…!!”
I’d like to present Exhibit A regarding “cars and wrestling working together”: the time Big Bossman crashed Big Show’s dad’s funeral with his Blues Brothers police car and stole the casket.
@Panther Joe
NXT seems to exist in its own little world. What happens there tends to be ignored on RAW and Smackdown.
actually started choking at BRB: The Chris Benoit Story.
/not a joke but works
I am loving Alberto Del Rio for all of the reasons you’ve pointed out. He keeps getting better every week.
I’m also getting a good feeling seeing a champion defend the the title and win cleanly. It definitely makes a champ more legit and a real tough challenge when he holds the belt for a long period of time.
Another awesome article. The best part is asking people to send you something funny that they’ve written as proof.. haha. You’re crazy. :P
You’re so right when you say that ADR lives in the WWE universe. Cena used to live there till CM Punk pulled him out, so he should hate Rio for getting away with what he couldn’t. I wish that was his reason for hating him. Del Rio is so unironic and sincere in his character that I was angry when they started “shooting” on him in the open. I can’t wrap my head around why Cena would hate him so much while crushing on Punk so bad.
Good stuff again. The stuff about holding a purse rang so true. Sorry I don’t have heavy comments. I haven’t seen any of the show at all. I’m in favor of a live blog even though I won’t be around to participate. Bummer.
My recommendation for a running gag is “B=Best!!11″
I’d try to be in the running to do one of these things but I won’t be ordering the PPV and don’t have cable so I only watch Raw later in spurts.
The more and more I watch it, the more and more I think the whole Beth Phoenix & Natalya vs. Kelly Kelly et. all is just the same plot they were going to do with Awesome Kong, just with Beth Phoenix & Natalya taking her place.
What I would love to see is to see Beth Phoenix squash the women wrestlers for a while, then have a reboot of a cruiserweight division that they can put her in. You can’t tell me they can’t find 5 or six guys in indy feds that can do some flippy shit that would be wiling to lose to her.
This is infinitely better than reading through a half dozen Bleacher Report slideshows. Best and Worst of Smackdown you say? YES!
Man, Hayley circa “Pressure” video….I would deeeeee-stroy that. Great write-up as always (my first comment was pre-read). Can’t wait for SD/podcast stuff, but screw vacations. Unless you can arrange for Matt Hardy to fill in…that would be gold.
I see you mentioning Sara Del Rey and Hope Solo in the same paragraph. And I appreciate it.
Glad Alberto is stealing the spotlight too
Great recap. At this point, I think Raw should live blog the Best/Worst article rather than you live blog a WWE event.
By the way, can I nominate “/but you already knew that” as the new “/jcg”?
Glad to hear you are enjoying the new HHH and Nash. I told you a little patience will come in handy. And I am extremely glad that they are figuring out what to do with the rest of the roster. I’ve been amazed about how shallow Raw has been during the Summer of Punk. It’s great to have more to look forward to than the first/last 20 mins. Also, if Miz/R Truth arn’t called The Conspiracy, I will be very sad :’(
/John Cena means well
I’m gonna Best/Worst this week’s B/W article.
Worst: Hating RVD, Tori Amos’ music being the butt of feminist jokes, ruining John Cena Gay meme
Best: Acknowledging the “racist trouncing of Booker T”, Lil Sebastian, the “oh no, King invoked the Bushwackers”
I was actually surprised when the crowd did not say, “UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE!” when R-Truth said, “yall gon make me lose my mind!”. I guess I CAN blame Canada for that missed opportunity.
Personal side note: I’ve started watching Smackdown! the past month or so. I’m REALLY liking Cody Rhodes. (I stopped watching WWE around ’02/03 and picked RAW back up again this past April) So, he’s kinda new to me.
I enjoyed the article as always. Keep up the good work, Brandon. :)
I second the vote for “Captain Cuntrifle” to replace “John Cena gay.”
@M4G3RK: I was saying “up in here, up in here.”
/gratuitous Simpsons reference.
Hi lisa! Hi super nintendo chalmers!!!
1. I literally laughed out loud at the BRB: The Chris Benoit Story in the middle of class on syllabus day. After class my prof asked what was so funny and I explained. I now have a new friend who enjoys wrestling.
2. Instead of Punk bringing up the racist trouncing of Booker T, can we have Booker T do it as part of the start of a “League of Semi-Evil Ex-Burials by HHH” because they can totally get Booker, Kane, soon to be Punk and many more…
BRB: The Chris Benoit Story LOL!!!
I’m trying to get back into WWE but Cena is making it hard. I hate him, but I don’t want to see him lose. I just don’t want to see him. He’s C-Tate minus the talent.
Maybe I’m just old but all I want from a wrestling show is Stone Cold Stunner and someone to call Hulk Hogan a nigga.
That photo of Del Rio clapping is a more ethnic, slightly more coordinated version of Brendan Fraser.
i actually enjoyed Raw last night. I loved Miz and Truth. The punk and Cena match was good. I had that feeling that Nash wasn’t hurt and was gonna come out at the end and screw Punk. All an all…really good show. And yeah I thought it was weird that Lawler was acting like a dickface cockgobbler.
I cannot tell you how jealous I am of Steve Urkel and Carl Winslow: not only have they wrestled the Bushwhackers, but they also competed on old-school Csonka-Adamle American Gladiators. Bastards.
I got the Top 50 Incidents DVD, and OMG! There is this little excerpt used between all 50 moments where they play a song that says “Oh my God” with some siren music thing going on, and holy fuck it is annoying as hell after moment 48. By the time the top ten comes around you’re dead inside, just dead.
I’m flying!
M4G3RK started it off right, but needed to flesh things out a bit.
Best/Worsts for the report:
Best: Overall. For the most part, these are good and always seem to have at least a few funny lines and some really good thought put into them.
Worst: “I am a guy on the internet who has a girlfriend. Let me tell you about my girlfriend. She is an attractive girlfriend.” I know you’re not going for Passive Michael Cole Without A Target here, but it gets old. People besides you may surely think that she ranks somewhere on the Fox Scale, but it’s so completely unimportant and irrelevant that it becomes distracting to the writing. Remember your point about Punk drifting too far towards the Stephanie Is A Whore territory? I feel like we’re a few scant weeks away from ItMustBeDestiny popping up in an edition of The Dugout.
Which brings me to:
Worst: “Punk is mean to girls! Don’t be mean to girls! Hold their purses!” I think this is an even more effective line than usual than calling somebody simply whipped, because of the unique situation of things. In Earth-A and Earth-B, Stephanie is Triple H’s wife. Even to those people in Earth-A, it’s probably not a big jump for them to think that it wouldn’t take much more than a single “Daddy, he hit me!” to Vince from Stephanie for Triple H to disappear from the history of WWE much like the star of “BRB”. And again, if you’re trying to be The Guy Who Has A Girlfriend That Also Respects Her Enough To Hold Her Purse, it sounds like a chump line. You AREN’T married, you’re right. Give it time. When you’re trying to look at that Night Of Champions DVD in 7 years, you won’t even be able to pick it up as your arms will be full of handbags.
I like your opinions about the show, even when I disagree with them, but after spending enough time up on the social soapbox, you sound like the Be A Star lady trying to Fight The Good Fight so that nobody is mean to Vickie Guerrero. It’s goddamn pro wrestling. It’s the lowest common denominator. Always will be. Be mad if it sucks, not because I AM PERSONALLY OFFENDED, HMMPH, WELL I NEVER.
@A Dude Who Reads This – I appreciate the negative feedback, but I am allowed to sometimes mention the lady that lives in my house. If I start lording her over people that’d be one thing, but mentioning that I talked to her shouldn’t be “too much”. As for my opinions on women in wrestling, that has evolved over a long period of being a wrestling fan and a creep, and the larger point of the Punk criticism is that he should be talking about MORE than Stephanie, not that talking about Stephanie is bad. Wrestling can still be the lowest common denominator and avoid a few things our society should be rid of completely.
yes to liveblogging, yes to smackdown articles.
no to omg dvds, no to cena is gay.
It is crazy that reading the comments takes almost as long as reading the article.
Miz and Truth were amazing – the sheer intensity of the promo reminds me of those old Classic Promo posts you used to do on (mumbles into hand)
Looking forward to the Smackdown coverage.
Also Best Best for the ultra obtuse Bill Darden v cheesy biscuit magnate example
I’m thoroughly disappointed that Punk yelling “I’m flying!” after jumping off the ropes didn’t get a Best. I rewound that part 3 times and laughed myself into a coma each time.
@fte88 – You guys wanting a best for Punk’s “I’m flying” never watched ECW on SciFi, did you?
Add me as a +1 reader who enjoys hearing Destiny’s thoughts from time to time. I didn’t think you overdid this time around, and I’m probably envious that you have a girlfriend who watches with you…and can actually give insightful-ish comments.
Otherwise, my personal worst: I was really looking forward to Vicki potentially forming a stable of Dolph, Swagger, and a player to be named later (maybe add Nexus castoffs?). It would have been a great throwback to the old days when Heenan had several wrestlers under his control. Alas, it looks like we’re going to get Swagger vs. Ziggler with Vicki in the middle instead. Blargh.
I’m actually with Derek in wanting Vicki to be in charge of a stable of wrestlers. Let’s say Ziggler, Swaggler, and maybe Curt Hawkins (I only say this because I love Freebirds rules for tag defenses). In the same vein, I’d also like to see Primo start hanging out with Kingston and Bourne because it would perfectly round out the ridiculously squeeky clean team they’ve got right now (and because I like Primo).
I thought Del Rio was going to use the scarf as a weapon, and I’m really bummed that he didn’t. I literally can’t think of a better thing for an asshole aristocrat to do than choke someone out with a frilly scarf. Maybe figure out how to choke a person out with using his submission hold. It just seemed logical to me at one point and is a little more creative than smashing him with the belt. Either way, I am digging Del Rio like you are.
@Brandon
Regarding the “I’m flying” stuff, I never did watch ECW. I stopped watching wrestling for a long time and only recently got back into it after I watched WM with some buddies. This column helped as well, so thanks.
Also, just reread the 1st page. The Dodgers are impossible to enjoy. And thats coming from a lifelong Cub fan.
Nah. I have no idea what channel SyFy (is that how it’s spelled now?) is and I never cared enough to look. Sometimes I would accidentally stumble upon ECW there and think “Boy, this is not very appealing at all”
That awkward moment you only came back to Best/Worst because Brandon’s attitude towards woman’s wrestling wasn’t sexist and ‘it’s a piss break’
:| how he’s like the be a star lady I’ll never understand but that’s cool.
..I feel like I should be running your fanclub or being given a restraining order.
@imgoingcrazy – You have to read that in context. It’s a “piss break” for most people. That’s the truth, regardless of my opinions on it. I don’t use it as a piss break, I use the stupid Twix commercials. I pee 40 times during Raw.
Hey, I’ve been reading this article for the last couple months and have to say thanks for getting me back into WWE, as I had lost interest, but I do have a question. Every time TNA is mentioned, it’s in a negative context. I know it’s not perfect and has only gotten worse since Hogan showed up, in my opinion, but I was curious if you do ever find anything redeeming about TNA, or if you watch it at all.
Alex Riley is the wrestler that you first created when you bought the game. You didn’t know what the good moves were named yet, so he ended up with a body slam as a strong grapple. You’ve since created better wrestlers and just never bothered to delete him. He’s now that created jobber who hails from Your Memory Card instead of Parts Unknown.
Also… Can someone please take Jerry Lawler out behind the barn and shoot him?
I can’t believe I’m going to be sticking up for Jerry Lawler, but I think the point he was trying to make about the Bushwhackers is that they were terrible and even they had more charisma than the guy with the do-rag and David Otunga. Maybe I’m giving him too much credit, yeah, I’m giving him too much credit.
The Anonymous Raw GM isn’t dead, but that didn’t stop Triple H from burying him.
I feel like John Cena might be making a legitimate heel turn. Ok, I know it’s never going to happen, but it would make a lot of sense storyline-wise. John Cena is the kind of guy who would NEVER accept a cheap victory like he got on Monday. Are we supposed to think that he couldn’t hear Kevin Nash because he was knocked down? John Cena is supposed to be Chris Jericho in Jericho’s first match on WCW, refusing to accept a countout victory because “I don’t want to win that way”.
Oh, and no one watched ECW on SciFi. That’s why they replaced it with a fake version of a reality show.
Two things regarding the wrestling/cars item:
1. I’m slightly disappointed you left out the Dustin Rhodes/Blacktop Bully “King of the Road” match from Uncensored 1995. Not only was it a trainwreck of a match with stupid rules, but it had to be edited due to WCW’s no bleeding policy and both participants were summarily fired for blading.
2. I was working in Camden, New Jersey, last year, and I had to drive down to Delaware to pick up an arc slicer for the project that I was on. On my way back from the welding supply store, I passed a white Chevrolet Colorado pick-up with some kind of strange graphics on it. Upon closer inspection, it was Rick Steiner, and all the graphics (one on the tailgate, one on each side of the bed, one on each door – he passed me as I was exiting the highway so I got to see the passenger’s side too – and one on the hood) all said “Dog-Faced Gremlin”. Random, but somewhat appropriate, as I thought about the nWo video referenced above when I realized who it was.
I say replace “john cena gay” with “RVD sucks”. Why? Because one’s not true and the other is.
/RVD sucks
//no really, he blows
Yes to a Smackdown blog.
Ahh WCW. Where filming acts of destruction that should result in jail time are forgotten about.
It’s kind of insane to say Rob Van Dam sucks. I wish he hadn’t sullied his legacy with his performance in TNA over the last few years, but his accomplishments 97-00 should still be recognized as a substantial contribution to wrestling.
He’s like a Michael Bay movie. Fun to watch, but riddled with continuity and logic gaps. The problem is we’ve seen Bad Boys II like 600 times over the last 15 years and are kinda tired of it. But how great was Bad Boys II the first 100-125 times?
@Stev – I will freely admit that I used to love Rob Van Dam, and bought a pay-per-view just to see what the Van Terminator would be. When you remove him from the confines of “anything goes, nothing is real” ECW his flaws light up and you can’t take him seriously unless you’re 14 or trying really hard to like him.
@Steve – your “Shut up and eat your awesome” defense for RVD might be the best defense for him. Kudos.
Anywho… long-time Best/Worst reader, first time commenter. Love the article, as always. I’d definitely read a regular Smackdown Best/Worst or a one-time-only Super Smackdown Best/Worst. It would give me as good a reason as any to start DVR’ing Smackdown.
Also, wouldn’t the DVD have to be titled “BRB: The Rise and Fall of Chris Benoit”?
Potential Best and Worst of Smackdown columns now? Awesome! Now I’m going to be greedy and push for the return of The Batista Era comic, outdated title and all.
@Brandon – Certain performers are great in specific environments, and terrible in others. I imagine Soldier Ant would not be able to convincingly sell an antenna injury in front of a Madison Square Garden audience as well as he does at the Easton Funplex.
RVD was great, then came to the WWF and was still exciting until they made him condense the same spots into 4 minute matches with Renee Dupree every week. Repetition breeds laziness and a great performer gets a lousy reputation.
@Stev – I’ve never forgiven him for the match at Summerslam where Chris Benoit works his back for 15 minutes and the announcers talk about how if you hurt Rob Van Dam’s back he won’t be able to do any of his signature moves, so he comes back, does all of his signature moves like nothing happens and wins. He’s been the worst popular wrestler in the world in my book since then.
@Brandon – That goes back to accepting Rob Van Dam as having continuity and logic issues. You’re talking about a guy who would do a cartwheel only to punch a guy in the face. His basis was unnecessary showmanship. It was never ‘I’m gonna hurt this guy’ or ‘try to win this match fast and efficiently’. It was always the scenic route.
So yes, after getting his back assaulted with back-breakers and bow and arrows for 15 minutes, he’s still going to go for his signature back-damaging spots. As I recall, he still sells it as painful, but ignores the logic of avoiding damage to his own back out of hubris.
I’m not saying he should be accepted as an all time great, and I’m not going to pretend I have a proper frame of reference to rank him. But he was an entertaining wrestler and to dismissively say he sucks is shortsighted.
@Stev – A wrestler being bad at everything I like about wrestling is gonna make me say he sucks, shortsighted or not. I’ve watched that guy wrestle for like 20 years, and everything post-1999 is just grating and terrible to me. I’m not basing it on a whimsical observation of ring psychology, I’m basing it on a solid decade now of bad work.
Show was very hit or miss for me, but the column was something to look forward to!
I loved the Del Rio was like “WTF, Mate?” and no-sold the workshoot comments. I think of Wrestling and Comic Books as intrinsically similar, and the parallel worlds thing fits right in. Alberto Del Rio exists in the kayfabe universe of Earth-1, and simply cannot see what goes on in Earth-2, and I love it. I think the Miz is the same way, in that he thinks himself to be the greatest Face that ever did Face, but just doesn’t understand the rest of the world.
I loved your idea tha Nash and H3 and co are all reading-cue-cards as part of the schtick, and I agree that Punk should go for some higher-hanging fruit with his insults. I’ve been utter, utter Punk mark since he came back to Raw last year, and I’d love for him to stay sharp and not get lazy.
I don’t watch SD! but I’ll read the Column for it!
Another excellent write-up.
I’m usually apathetic about the Destiny mentions, but for some reason “I feel bad for John” really cracked me up. John Cena is always referred to as CENA, JOHNCENA, or THE CHAMP and he’s the unstoppable hero. “I feel bad for John” is just such an awesome 5 word antithesis to his entire character. I really enjoyed it.
I used to love RVD in high school, and I’m sure that like all of the things I loved in high school, he totally holds up.
//logs off and goes to play Dino Crisis 2
Good. Always great stuff.
Please do a live blog of Smackdown!
@Brandon – Well, ya can’t deny the guy had zazz.
@Stev – Airbrushed zazz!
@Brandon Bill Alfonzo was a rapid-decompression accident away from being Dick Knubbler.
Also, random question – has anyone else noticed Punk’s stigmata on his hand-tape recently?
Great post, Brandon. I don’t have cable and can’t watch the show, so this is my wrestling news. I look forward to it each week and would read any Best and Worst column you decided to write! Yes to the podcast, too, if that is still an option.
Here’s something I think we can all agree on.
WWE need to be retconned so that the Crippler Crossface is called the Ladykiller, and Benoit’s top rope headbutt is called Murder/Suicide.
or needs
Whichever you like better.
I get your point on the wives thing. But the reason Punk keeps beating it to death is because the ONLY reason HHH has any sort of power is because of who his wife is. So although many men hold purses for their wives, HHH is accused of only doing it for his own self-interest. That is why I’m ok with it.
David Otunga = Starscream. Absolutely priceless. I have been reading your stuff for a while now, and I still find myself impressed with the depth of your analogies and comparisons.
It’s time to pull the trigger on the Best and Worst of Smackdown. Your public demands it.
I found this with a Google search. Enjoy it for what it’s worth: “A lectern supports a book from which you read to an audience. The ‘lect’ bit of the word comes from a latin word for reading. Speakers use them for notes, or just to give them some psychological support or sense of protection, or because holding it while they answer makes them feel confident and presidential. A lectern will usually be around four feet tall or a little less.
A podium supports you, to give you a prominent place so you can be seen clearly by your audience and you can see your audience clearly to get feedback. A podium may be only a matter of inches above the general floor level or it may be a foot or two. The ‘pod’ bit comes from a greek word for feet, same as in tripod.
A podium may well have a lectern on it.”
If you were to do a Best and Worst of Smackdown and started with this weeks, you totally should have been to the show “live”. 3 different finishes to the Heath Slater and Sin Cara match? Ugh. Way to ruin the illusion of sport WWE.
Also I think it’s official, Heath Slater has moved up my ranks of people I dislike quite a few spots. He’s just surpasses Christian Ruutu and X-Pac. But I’m sure he’ll never reach the heights of Road Dogg. Holy crap do I hate Road Dogg.
I think your new tag line should be Watch Eve suck. That way, many people will come on here to see Eve suck, only to realize she just sucks, as a wrestler. Waka Waka Waka! *pulls bow tie string*
Love your work, you have a great thing going here. I’m not sure a b/w for SD! is the right thing to do yet on a weekly basis. Why not just add a page to your Raw b/w for the previous week’s smackdown? It’s not like we expect you to come out with a b/w for SD! on Saturday, so it likely wouldn’t come out until Monday, which is just one day before the b/w of Raw anyway. A b/w for the upcoming live SD! seems appropriate though.
Thanks for making Raw that much better
Brandon, if you’re not gonna do Smackdown from this past Friday, can you at least give us your thoughts on the del Rio v. Bryan match? Daniel Bryan is the only reason I’m watching Smackdown at all (although Sheamus is gaining traction with me). Apart from Michael Cole’s “if I stop talking for one second during this match I will die” commentary, my rookie eye thought del Rio/Bryan was a great match.
Re: RAW, the Beth Phoenix/Natalya “But we don’t” promo is one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. I would have preferred a picture-in-picture of the Twix commercial run twice.
One could use the same ‘puppies’ argument against Gina Carano, but, just so we’re clear, Crush is the hottest woman on Earth.
Holy Shit! I clicked on the wrong post. I didn’t realize that you had a million wrestling followers. Classy Freddie Blassie is my life role model.
Man, 200 comments is alot to ask for in the blogosphere. Perhaps an addendum of the “Best and Worst of SUITS” is in order, eh, chum?
Nah, but seriously, Natalya hott, great article.
I panicked for half a second because I thought I saw (and I swear it took me nearly an hour to remember his name) Ricky Ortiz backstage at the Ghan-Am (full of win) party.
“BRB:TCBS” or GTFO.
Also, /kevin nash grey
You have by far the most interesting wrestling blog I’ve yet seen. Every week you increase my enjoyment and appreciation for this odd hybrid of sports and theater. You’re fast making a hard-core fan out of me.
John Cena came out to a big pop.
And his pop was not pleased.
called it with lawler, that guy is in struggle town.
great recap, now going back to watch everything I apparently missed.
@Trehern, Natalya would like to tell you why you’re a creep ass, but she won’t. Beth Phoenix would like to tell what brand of the cream and the clear she’s using, but she won’t.
Now I’m kind of rooting that Kelly Kelly is a descendant of those Kwang aliens on The Simpsons, hell bent on destroying the Earth, and Road Warriors Phoenix and Nattie are the last line of defense.
Eve is more or less Mimsy from South Park.
Gotta say, Brandon, love your stuff. When you mentioned the commercial for Royal Pains, I knew exactly what you meant, and started cracking up. Also, nice DBZ references. haha. I’ve been reading your best/worsts for a few months now, and they really capture the show’s high and low segments. I’m trying to spread the good word to friends.
Don’t worry, Home Fries; I was with you on that DBZ reference.
I don’t say this enough a few days later, but thank you all for dropping comments. Knowing that people are enjoying this is the best reward. I really do appreciate it, even if I don’t tell you all individually. Also, where is commenter “Steve” to talk about how the black wrestlers are worse?
it’s great to see someone acknowledge the brilliance of Alberto Del Rio. He’s the best thing going on that show…even beyond Punk. *hit the horns and the guitars*
@elAmpersando: Yeah I’ve noticed the stigmata, and I have really enjoyed it as a nice subtle reminder of why Punk is doing all this. He thinks the world of himself and sees himself as some sort of savior, yet in reality his actions merely bring him personal gratification and glory. The stigmata is a great touch to the subtleties of his character, IF it truly is stigmata, and if it was intended to function as a characterization device. For all I know Punk does it because he once cut his hands that way and it’s an inside joke only he, Ace Steel, and Colt Cabana share.
and
@JpfromtheB: /kevin nash grey is so, so awesome.
Dragon Ball Z. Those were the days
Brandon, can we start a meme – John Cena plummets over different things with his leaping shoulderblock? Cena shoulderblocking Niagra Falls, the Tianemen Square guy, JFK’s Texas envoy, and Jack Nicholson’s Joker?
OMG I recently started watching wrestling again RAW only though and the best part is this post. I love this column.