Best: Brie And Nikki Bella Are The New Arn And Ole Anderson
The Bella Twins as quick-tagging limb-work specialists is pretty amazing. I think they learned the first part about working the leg (“if you hurt her leg, keep trying to hurt her leg”) but missed out on the second and third parts (“if you hurt her leg enough, try to win the match” and “have more wrestling moves that hurt the leg” respectively). I wanted Nikki to pin Kelly’s leg behind her back and bodyslam her onto it. This is another reason why you should be cheering for Alberto Del Rio — he spends the entire match attacking guys in the shoulder and arm because his best move is a cross armbreaker. How hard is that? Why would Brie Bella spend two minutes bending your leg around when her finisher is … what is her finisher, a neckbreaker? A facebuster? At least have Michael Cole toss in a “Brie Bella working ONE Kelly Kelly’s legs … you know King, if Kelly can’t walk effectively she’s more susceptible to Brie’s facebuster”.
Or have him work in “I heard Kelly Kelly likes popular music. What a nerd!”
Worst: The Leg DDT
If you have put your downed opponent’s ankle under your arm and fallen backwards, congratulations, you’ve just executed the stupidest f**king legitimate wrestling move in history. You can let a lot of the Bellas moves slide … when they grab Kelly’s leg and drop down three feet to make it bounce on the bottom rope, I’m going to suspend disbelief and accept that it hurt Kelly’s leg. Same with that sorta-spinning toehold they broke out. Sure, they bent Kelly’s leg in a way that it naturally bends (and I’m guessing a gymnast can put her foot near her head, I can do that and I got a negative 60 on the V-sit and reach) but Kelly’s screaming so we’ll say that hurt her too. Not for one G.D. second am I going to pretend like the Leg DDT is a thing.
Here, try it. Lie down on your back and put your left leg in the air. Now bend your knee. Lower it to the ground. Did it break your leg, or did it feel like you took a step? F**king stepping hard is not a wrestling attack. At least contort the ankle or something before you drive it down so it looks like you’re causing awkward pain. Or God, just hold the leg up and kick it with your foot. That’s ten times more painful and you didn’t have to bash your head on the ground to accomplish it.
Worst: Eve Is Probably Still On That Top Rope
Eve Torres went up for a moonsault and perched up there for about an hour and a half. She should’ve started out the match backwards on the top rope in her corner, squatting and waiting for Kelly to finish up and bodyslam somebody near her. She was up there so long I expected her to yell COME ON JEFF GODDAMMIT. Once Kelly had successfully pressed Lou Thesz, Eve fell off the top rope into a back handspring that looked and felt a lot like one of Ashley Massaro’s kip-ups. She got the win, if you could call it that, accomplishing more in one bad instance than Gail Kim did in four years.
Man, can you believe Gail Kim’s been back in WWE since 2008? What the hell happened there? Four years and all I can recall are her making out with Daniel Bryan and clapping happily on the apron from whatever Diva drew the short straw in the 7-on-7 tag matches. I think she “eliminated herself” in like January of 2009 and nobody noticed.
Best: Best Sign Of The Night
This sign made my girlfriend laugh out loud. “Is there supposed to be more to that sign? Did she run out of time?” I love that she capitalized it properly. It looks like one of the signs they give somebody in Smackdown when they don’t have catchphrases or identifiable traits. Like, Undertaker gets “AMERICAN BAD ASS” and “THE DEAD MAN” and a logo but Chuck Palumbo’s sign just says “CHUCK PALUMBO”.
Worst: The Complexities Of Explaining Chyna
This exchange happened moments later when Beth Phoenix and Natalya stepped out onto the stage and golf-clapped for Eve.
Destiny: “Is that the new Chyna?”
Brandon: [long pause] “Come on, she doesn’t look like Chyna.”
But my thoughts went much deeper than that. My first internal reaction was to tilt my head to the side like a dog (or Classic Kane) and say “no, she’s more like the new Asya”. How do you explain that to a casual fan? “She’s like Chyna, yes, in that she is stronger than the other womens wrestlers and she’s supposed to be a great wrestler but never has great matches … and yes, we like her because she’s muscular and looks like she could beat us up, the reason why some people liked Chyna, but she’s actually very pretty in addition to being muscular, the reason why some other people liked Chyna. But no, no she’s nothing like Chyna.”
That makes it sound like I’m sarcastically inferring that Beth Phoenix is Chyna when dear God no, of course she isn’t Chyna. If Beth Phoenix ever ends up on Vh1 having drugged-out celebrities protect her from a belligerent X-Pac and parlays that into a career of foxy boxing and getting cornholed by Mason Ryan-looking pornstars I’ll say sure, Beth Phoenix is Chyna, but no, she’s not right now. Maybe she’s Chyna done right? I almost typed “Beth Phoenix would never wrestle Lita and spend 90% of the time trying to keep her boobs from falling out”, but then I remembered Summerslam. Damn, is Beth Phoenix the new Chyna?