The Elisha Cuthberts

This next batch of RBs is a little older and worn out than today’s hot, young stars, but they’re still sexy enough to get the job done. Also, you’ll notice that the numbers jump around a little bit. Don’t worry, they’re still ranked. It’s just easier to compare them to attractive females this way. And that’s really the most important aspect. Now where’s my Grantland invite?

5) Steven Jackson – I hope for Jackson’s sake that the St. Louis Rams have finally put a quality balanced offense together. I would imagine that they will re-sign Mark Clayton. The addition of Mike Sims-Walker is great for the passing game. Therefore, I believe that Jackson will have a monster year. Otherwise, get his bags ready.

6) Adrian Peterson – Like Chris Johnson, I want nothing to do with AP. I’ve had him twice – once in greatness and then last season. Anyone who had Purple Jesus last season knows where I’m coming from here. The Minnesota Vikings were without Sidney Rice for most of last season, so the passing game was screwed and it felt like AP was allergic to 100-yard games. Now the Vikings are completely without Rice and they’ve added Donovan McNabb. Look, I really like AP and I’m not calling him washed up by any means, but he needs to get the F out of Dodge, ASAP.

7) Michael Turner – The Atlanta Falcons offense should be a complete juggernaut this season. Tony Gonzalez called Julio Jones the best receiver he’s ever played with, which should piss Roddy White off a little, but if he’s the piece they were missing from last season, then Turner’s job should be much easier. However, he’s still a tad fragile, so buyer beware.

10) Maurice Jones-Drew – See: Adrian Peterson. Mojo is all the Jaguars have on offense this season, unless Mike Thomas is suddenly the best receiver on Earth. Spoiler alert: He’s not. I really enjoy Mojo, but I wouldn’t draft him even if I were him.

11) Frank Gore – Pro: Gore is pissed about his contract, but he didn’t hold out, so he’s going to bust his ass to have a great season and earn him one last huge payday. Con: The football season is not 8 weeks. If Gore is your primary back, you’d better have a good backup, because Gore gets at least 4 bye weeks.

16) DeAngelo Williams – If Williams had gone to the Denver Broncos or Miami Dolphins like everyone expected, I would have him in my Top 3. Instead, he stayed in Carolina and who the hell knows what that means? The Panthers brought in Derek Anderson to mentor Cam Newton, which means Newton will be playing by Week 6. And despite Williams’ huge contract, Jonathan Stewart will still get his reps, so it’s a crap shoot.