The Kate Uptons

These are your “can’t go wrong” choices, the guys who will generally provide a large chunk of your team’s points from week-to-week. They’re basically no-brainer choices that you can take in the first or second round, and all you have to decide is which QB is more valuable to you. (Also, I should point out that these rankings are based on which QB you’re latching your season to. I don’t care who your backup is, nor should you, except for one week during the season. That is, unless you pick one of the turds that we’ll discuss later.)

1) Aaron Rodgers – Like I said, the QBs in this group are debatable in order. But my hops-influenced gut tells me that Rodgers will be better than last season, with Ryan Grant and Jermichael Finley returning from their respective injuries. The only thing that concerns me about A-Rodg is that the NFC North has grown worse around the Packers and it could be a very easy season for them. He could be the new Peyton Manning – taking a seat later in the season – but you can worry about that after he pulls 30+ points per week.

2) Michael Vick – Most pundits have Vick as their clear cut No. 1 draft pick this season, but the fantasy conservative in me thinks that’s a bit optimistic. On the positive side, Vick isn’t competing anymore. That means he’ll have a whole season to produce 4 touchdown games. But that also means he has a whole season to have his body destroyed. Beyond injuries, I’m also worried that A) The Eagles defense will allow the offense to get up big and quick, saddling the late work on LeSean McCoy; and 2) Vick could become complacent with no competition at his position. Last year he had something to prove. Hopefully he wants to prove that he can win a Super Bowl this season.

3) Tom Brady – Drew Brees should probably be in this spot, what with Brady’s offseason of water slides and grooming, but I just have that feeling that we’re in for another “I’m better than Peyton Manning” season. Obviously, I’m not implying that adding Chad Ochocinco means anything – it doesn’t, because he’s done – but as long as Brady gets to play against the AFC East, he’s in this group.

4) Drew Brees – I love that the New Orleans Saints brought Lance Moore back, because I’ve always thought he could be the lead receiver on a team that has 60 receivers. But Brees clearly has more options than just some guy I think is good. Obviously he’ll hit Marques Colston for 10 TDs, Robert Meachem will have at least 3 80-yard scores, and Moore will do his thing as well. The big bonus is Jimmy Graham, who will be mentioned more in-depth in my tight end rankings. If the Saints have a healthy running game, then Brees won’t be a question.

5) Philip Rivers – Rivers had great numbers last year, so he clearly deserves to be mentioned in the upper crust, but I don’t like him. Yes, it’s because he seems like a massive doucher, but the San Diego Chargers offense just doesn’t feel right. If they resign Malcolm Floyd then I’ll feel better, but I don’t trust Vincent Jackson yet. But if you have a late second round pick and the previous four guys disappear (and they will) then Rivers is the best bet.