Something 1990s this way comes.
From Found Footage Fest emerges “It Ain’t Worth It!”, an abstinence-awareness PSA wherein the sports stars of the 90s explain the dangers of unprotected (and protected) sex in the most 90s way imaginable. You can watch the video below, but here’s a recap: David Robinson is playing a game of pick-up basketball and gets pissed off because his goofy white teammate is too busy looking at women (or “honeys”) to contribute. This prompts Robinson, A.C. Green and Barry Sanders (holding a basketball for some reason) to use rap music, a Trapper Keep aesthetic and what appear to be girls from “In Living Color’s” Fly Girl developmental league to inform teens that penis-to-vagina interaction can cause instant death and possibly explosions. I don’t know, they just really want me to not do it.
Watch the video yourself, then leave us a comment to explain whether you believe sexual intercourse is or is ain’t worth it.
All this video needed was a white kid who looks like he should be a part of the Burger King Kids Club saying “but I WANNA have sex!” and getting between a girl’s legs before he’s stopped by Garfield and one or more of the Ninja Turtles.
[prophylactic tip to Sportress of Blogitude]
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This totally makes sense. Having watched hours and hours of highlight reels proving that Barry Sanders is the baddest mofo ever to do running in the back, it’s clear to me that his strength isn’t running fast, but it’s running fast then stopping. This guy can run full tilt and stop on a dime, like he has ceramic braking thighs. He zigs when you think he’ll zag, and zag on over to your sister’s birthday party where he will present her with a dainty figuring and kiss her hand softly, in full view of your parents.
It’s rated Argh for pirates, fuck you.
*figurine
“…penis-to-vagina interaction can cause instant death and possibly explosions.”
Penis-to-vagina interaction should always end with explosions. If not, you’re doing it wrong.
Barry Sanders (holding a basketball for some reason)
Because of teh blackz, you see.
My favorite part is when A.C. Green is rapping and points to the guy talking to the girl in the background and shows he clearly doesn’t approve. It is not only enough to not have sex with these disease carrying parasitic women, now even talking to one makes you an asshole. And hey white guy playing basketball – finish your fucking game before going to get your dick wet asshole.
Goofy white teammate is Mike Greenberg, I’m pretty sure.
Yeah, for five hundred bucks and overpowering shame, it was NOT worth it. Maybe tomorrow.