Roger Clemens is a free man. More or less.

The perjury trial of former Major League Baseball pitcher Roger Clemens ended in a mistrial on the second day of witness testimony after prosecutors showed the jury evidence that violated a court order.

U.S. District Judge Reggie Walton in Washington said today that he’s considering barring further prosecution of Clemens on double-jeopardy grounds and set a hearing for Sept. 2 on whether to let the case proceed.

As a baseball fan and a human male on the Internet, I am outraged. I want Roger Clemens to go to jail for the rest of his life. No, I don’t think a prison term is the best idea for someone who cheated at baseball or did drugs or lied about either, I just really don’t like Roger Clemens. I am going to register a “kill Roger Clemens with a firing squad” Facebook page because of this, and I’m sure that will effect change.

Until then, please read the transcript from today’s proceedings.

The Dugout

	**Online Host** Welcome to the Federal Court Chatroom!
	HardinFast: I swear to god Roger just shut up, shut your mouth, do not talk
	OldLOL: but but but that guys sayin i did steroids and i did NOT do steroids, ever, period
	HardinFast: For the love of christ keep your mouth closed
	OldLOL: i may have cheated on baseball and i may have statutory raped that teen country starlet i may have done steroids and i may have lied about it to the government but i did NOT do steroids
	OldLOL: /does steroids
	HardinFast: there, look at you, you just did steroids
	OldLOL: no i didnt
	HardinFast: blerghhhh /faceplams with both hands and one of his feet
	HardinFast: you know, I am a 70-year old man named "Rusty Hardin" and THIS is somehow the most difficult moment of my life just sit there eating quietly until the prosecution is done
	OldLOL: /drinks cream soda from Koby Clemens’ skull
	**Online Host** Meanwhile, in the Prosecution sub-chatroom…
	Judge: Steve, I just wanted to say you’ve done a bang-up job as prosecutor and that we all agree Roger Clemens is totally guilty of everything ever.
	DurhamsBull: thanks judge
	Judge: No problem. All we have to do now is close it out, and remember, DON’T try and have Andy Pettitte’s wife testify. Her testimony is inadmissible and we’d have to throw out the whole trial.
	DurhamsBull: got it
	Judge: Okay, take her home
	DurhamsBull: the prosecution would like to call andy pettitte’s wife to the stand
	AndyPettittesWife: /gathers dream journals, stands up
	Judge: god dammit steve Okay everybody hold on a minute
	AndyPettittesWife: /sits back down
	HoldItAndPettitte: I wouldn’t mind testifying, you could call me, I mean I am the world’s hugest narc tattletail
	DurhamsBull: no sorry laura a lot about it so i need to talk to her LAURA LAURA ARE YOU IN THE COURTROOM LAURA oh there you are, come on ma’am please take the stand
	AndyPettittesWife: /stands up
	Judge: steve, come here
	AndyPettittesWife: /sits back down
	DurhamsBull: yes mister judge
	Judge: how long have you been studying law
	DurhamsBull: for like 22 years, your honor
	Judge: Okay, you have Andy Pettitte’s wife say Clemens did steroids. She didn’t hear it directly from Clemens, and if you use her as evidence you have illegitimately prejudiced the jury against him just do literally anything else and we will find him guilty, do you understand
	DurhamsBull: i understand
	Judge: Heh, okay everybody, take two! Here we go. Action!
	DurhamsBull: i would like to ask andy pettitte’s wife to please loudly say whether roger clemens did or did not do steroids from where she is sitting
	AndyPettittesWife: HE DID
	Judge: NO, NOPE, NOBODY HEARD THAT, PLEASE DO SOMETHING ELSE
	DurhamsBull: all right, allow me to play this VHS tape of laura pettitte saying she heard from "somebody" that roger clemens did steroids
	Judge: nope
	DurhamsBull: these handwritten letters from mrs. pettitte addressing-
	Judge: nope
	DurhamsBull: this minecraft stage laura pettitte built to look like roger clemens that clearly illustrates-
	Judge: NO WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
	DurhamsBull: hmm well what do you mean
	Judge: I MEAN DO ANYTHING ELSE. JUST STAND THERE, READ THE PHONE BOOK, DO SOME JUMPING JACKS, TALK ABOUT KATE UPTON, ANYTHING ELSE
	OldLOL: who the f**k is kate upton /googles Kate Upton
	OldLOL: WHOA IS THIS CHICK LEGAL
	HardinFast: she just turned 19, Roger
	OldLOL: dammit /angrily closes laptop /throws laptop at jury
	DurhamsBull: the prosecution would like to call…
	Judge: /glares
	DurhamsBull: uh these uh
	DurhamsBull: the prosecution would like to call these educational puppets to the stand
	Judge: f**king finally, let’s hear it
	LauraPuppet: HEY KIDS, WELCOME T’COURT! WE’RE GONNA HAVE A LOTTA FUN TODAY, OH BOY! /switches hands
	AndyPuppet: wull hey Laura! Have you talked to ROGER CLEMENS today?? /switches hands
	LauraPuppet: I SURE HAVEN’T, ANDY! But I HEARD SOMETHING about how he did STEROIDS!
	Judge: okay, that’s it, mistrial, roger you’re free to go
	OldLOL: SAY YOU KNOW I DIDN’T DO STEROIDS
	HardinFast: /puts bag over Clemens’ head, drags him out of the courtroom
	AndyPettittesWife: Wait! I didn’t get to tell anyone what I heard about Barry Bonds doing steroids!
	Judge: Mr. Bonds, I sentence you to 30 years in prison
	GoldBonds: wait what

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