Women’s Soccer has suddenly become an important thing in the United States, and even our baseball players are taking notice. Well, not really “taking notice” as much as “noticing the hot girls”, but Tampa Bay Rays third baseman Evan Longoria has taken a break from chasing people in helicopters and stealing their hats to hit on one of the prettier members of the team, the legitimately foxy Alex Morgan, via Twitter. Burnsy covered the story yesterday, so be sure to click through and read his post should you need more information for today’s strip than “baseball guy wants to nail soccer girl”.
A couple of disclaimers:
1. As always, The Dugout contains frank depictions of real life situations and reader discretion is advised.
2. The opinions of characters in The Dugout do not necessarily represent those of its writer.
3. Somebody contact me via Twitter, I want to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game.
Today’s Dugout follows.
The Dugout
 | pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: tell her soccer sucks | |
|---|---|---|
 | EvanAlmighty: Why would I do that? I’m not going to do that. | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: tell her soccer sucks a dyack | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what why not | |
| EvanAlmighty: I’m trying to hit on a girl that plays soccer for a living, the first thing I say to her can’t be "soccer sucks". | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: yes you can because its true and it does, she will respect your truthiness les’t shes liven a lie | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: soccer’s not even a sport, because i hate it you arnt an ahtlete if you just run aroun for two hours kicken, those gals ain’t athletes, they are less athletic than the oakland athletics | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: an don’t be foolt by the name oaklands team is actually extremely unathletic | |
| EvanAlmighty: I think I’m gonna just go with "hey, what’s up?" | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: an then a marredge proposal in the harshtags "your great at soccer bet you got a huge cock #marryme" | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: is this the one that looks like lightening from FF13′s mom or the one named after star wars | |
| EvanAlmighty: different girl | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: but you said she playd soccer for a living | |
| EvanAlmighty: She does. | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: o shat i thought those was the only 2 | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: look if you wanna put it in her shoulder-lookin ass so bad why dont you just invite her here, figure it out later, family style an when i say “shoulder-lookin ass” i dont mean she looks like a shoulder i mean to say her ass area literally looks like two shoulders nm what would get her to the trop | |
| EvanAlmighty: how about "hey, we’ve got a great team and we’re trying to get into second place, come out and support us!" | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: lol like that has ever f**ken workt | |
| EvanAlmighty: I’m gonna say "we want you to throw out the first pitch at a Rays game!" | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: or "come to our empty baseball warehouse an ill buy you a miller heavy an a 9 dollar hot dog" but yeah sure | |
| EvanAlmighty: /tweets | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what’d she say | |
| EvanAlmighty: I don’t know, I just sent it, I have to wait for her to respond. | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: o | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: ok well i guess we’ll just wait quietly till she twats | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: … | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: so you ever watch the show "breaking bad" my favorite character, probly, is john bad | |
| EvanAlmighty: She retweeted me and added "Let’s do it!" | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: cool perfect man now all you gotta do is litrally everything else whatre you gonna wear | |
| EvanAlmighty: Baseball clothes? Argh, should I wear home or away? | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: do you have street clothes as a alternate attire | |
| EvanAlmighty: Sure, I’ll wear my Ed Hardy shirt, a fedora and a big scarf | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: while your at it why not wear a linkin park cd on a chain wallet around your neck so she knows your a date rapest with the world’s smallest junk | |
| EvanAlmighty: I just responded! Okay, I think this is gonna work. | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: best case senario i hide up in the astroturf bushes an tell you what to say, itll be hilarious | |
| EvanAlmighty: What’s the worst case scenario? | |
| pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: we have to watch her play soccer |
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com
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![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/the-miami-marlins-are-giving-out-fedoras-for-fathers-day-with-leather-180x180.jpg)
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Kyle Farnsworth in… The Cyrano Senario.
I could go for a Miller Heavy right about now.
My favorite part was when Farnsworth body-slammed Abby Wambach.
“Miller Heavy” was Oliver Miller’s nickname, no?
“wear a linkin park cd on a chain wallet around your neck so she knows your a date rapest with the world’s smallest junk”
priceless
Not sure if I laughed more at the “#marryme” or the line about the Linkin Park CD attached to a chain wallet. I hope Longoria respects the “one fedora per crew” rule.
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth is still the best. Great job, B.
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: an don’t be foolt by the name oaklands team is actually extremely unathletic
Oh, that Farnsy–nothin’ gets by him. :)
“Shoulder-looking ass” and the ensuing explanation … +1
These Dugouts are great Uff keep ‘em coming
thank you for the 48 Mile callback
That’s it. No more reading these stealthily at my desk anymore. Not with all these dyacks and shoulder-asses and Linkin Park CDs.
Eh, it was worth it.
Any apprehensions I had that this couldn’t possibly live up to my expectations disappeared with “tell her soccer sucks.” Great callback with the “hiding in the bushes” bit as well. And I dropped the taco I was eating at “Linken Park CD.”
Lofty effort Brandon. Hope you don’t mind but I’m going to find a way to use #marryme this weekend.
Well played, Brandon. Well played. I have followed you guys since the Progessive Boink days and you never disappoint. I wish I had your job.
Haha, you had me at the first line (and yet another “dyack”)
Good Dugout. I can’t imagine how few friends I would have to have in order to turn to Kyle Farnsworth for dating advice.
Our lil Alex Morgan has all grown up (into ‘that hot chick’). So proud
All these years, and the F4rns continues to pr0FF3ss. Indeed.
Professor Farnsworth gave me hiccups from laughing so much.
you know ed hardy is some crap clothing if farnsworth says it looks date rapey…
I should know not to read Farnsworth Dugouts at work if I want my coworkers to think I’m sane/normal. Alas.
good news everyone! pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth is in today’s Dugout!
*playing with chain* Meteora is soooo much deeper than their earlier work
I was in love with her, too, until I realized she’s not a she. (hint: “Alex”)
Believe it or not, this reminded me to add Farnsworth to my fantasy team.
Does anyone else read Farnsworth with mc chris’s voice, or is it just me?
Simply brilliant, Brandon. And that’s some solid trolling by Wayne Jetski.
“pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: or “come to our empty baseball warehouse an ill buy you a miller heavy an a 9 dollar hot dog”
I had a hard time even picking a favorite line. Crying. At work. Eff it, people think I’m crazy anyway.
And now I will read Farnsworth with a MC Chris voice. Hilarious.