Best: Wrestling, Yay!
The wrestling on last night’s show wasn’t great, but by the time Miz and Alex Riley rolled around I was happy to see it. Miz/Riley matches are the epitome of “we’re doing what we’ve seen others do” style of wrestling that happens a lot these days, with neither guy really feeling out the process organically and just following a style sheet. Now it’s time for Miz to hit his DDT, now it’s time for the punches in the corner, now it’s time for the backslide. They brought some fire at the beginning, but “fire” is just like arm work: if you don’t bring it back later, it’s pointless.
But still, a nine minute match on Raw, good or bad, is a step in the right direction.
Worst: The Most Edited Thing Ever
And while we’re on the subject of Miz/Riley II, the show being taped gave them time to edit everything to a crisp, and by the time this match was over I almost had motion sickness. They jumped to so many different angles in such a quick succession that I lost track of where everybody was. Watch when they’re on the outside, the camera just zooms in on Miz and holds on him for several seconds. It’s like that episode of “The Office” where Michael and Jan sit on a train car, and for some reason the documentary filmmakers decided to squat and film their legs swinging and mess with the focus. More specifically it was the Ray William Johnson of wrestling matches, where the natural pause between sentences is edited out, and Ray just says PIRATES and then NINJAS and now he’s on the left side of the screen, and now CHUCK NORRIS and he’s upside down and wearing a pirate hat.
That’s what Miz/Riley was. Does that make sense? And it ended with a backslide. Real talk, Miz should be kicking this guy’s ass. Come on.
Worst: Alex Riley’s Signature Hand Gesture
Is anybody else concerned about Alex Riley’s “my dick is more or less this long” appeal? What’s he doing, holding an hors d’oeuvre? And he’s got his shoulder back and his arm cocked back like he’s going to throw it. Just … just make a fist, dude, I don’t know.
Best: Money in the Bank Video Packages
I liked WWE putting over the importance of Money in the Bank, even though they do it nonstop. “Every person to cash in the Money in the Bank briefcase has gone on to become a champion” is the new “were you aware Shelton Benjamin is a great natural athlete”. Regardless, I liked the little video packages featuring highlights of the matches and the Event Horizon wipe to the winners as champions. I was hoping we’d get a video about Mr. Kennedy winning, losing the briefcase to Edge, getting fired, then refusing to exercise for the next three years.


Great American Bash 1999
Brian Knobbs (w/ Jimmy Hart) was defeated by Hardcore Poopin’ (w/ Chastity) in a Hardcore match (5:41)
Poopin’ pinned Knobbs after Hart accidentally hit Knobbs with a steel chair. Knobbs was then hit with a kendo stick by Hardcore Poopin’.
After the match, Hugh Morrus came out and attacked Hardcore Poopin’.
I kept expecting Truth’s phone call to turn into “You gonna look out for ME, Flo? You mean it? You gonna look out for me? You promise?”
Also, I liked the Cena/McMahon ending, and totally agree on Vince’s facial selling. Gold. But I still guaran(damn)tee that Cena is not losing the title between now and Rockamania 28.
I can’t really agree with you about Punk. Just because he’s a dick on TV doesn’t mean he can say whatever he wants and we can write it off. He understands this too, which is why he apologized. I forgive him, it was a heat of the moment thing, and we can move on.
Good writeup as usual. Seemed like kind of a downer show to follow all the hype they got over the week.
Ooh, that Fair to Flair link has some good stuff on it.
/worked shoot
I laughed out loud at the description of NXT. Got fingers crossed for some quality DBsquared action.
And yeah, I’m not sure I agree about the Punk insults. Glad he has apologised.
I am now a Derrick Bateman fan.
Only through 2 pages and I’m having trouble breathing! #laughingsoharditsmakingmecough #Raw #Hashtag
Regarding the Punk stuff, I guess I didn’t phrase it clearly enough. I don’t support anybody calling anybody a homo, and I’m glad he’s apologized, too.
Added on a disclaimer for clarification.
The best part of the double-date video is that there’s absolutely no effort made to pretend that they’re not in the locker room.
The second best part is “NO, MY PANTS”
I actually liked the closing segment, but, I am still confused as to why Cena would give a shit to not fighting Punk, especially after they crowned a new #1 contender.
Is it just me, or are the WWE bookers playing Raw vs Smackdown 2005 too much? Two fighters fighting every week does not necessarily mean that the crowds interest levels are going to increase.
I think they should get rid of Eve and hire a couple more hot Latina divas and a red head to give the Diva division more diversity.
Fire Jerry Lawler. That is all
Simon beat me to the inherent fakeness of the “restaurant.” I missed that episode of NXT, so that was a nice surprise. I personally liked how proud he was of his wrestling boots.
If Zack really were the second coming of Jericho you’d think he’d have already turned #ryderorriot into some kind of underground video package pieced together from YouTube clips and fancy WWE production values all leading up to a literal Ryder Riot.
Oh, god, yes, I’ve been toying with that same Punk fantasy booking. Spend a month in NJPW, try to unify the title with Hiroshi Tanahashi before Cena runs in for the DQ. Have Cena beat Togi Makabe or whomever for the #1 contendership and try to win the title overseas so he can be welcomed back by Vince McMahon into the WWE and America with the belt on his shoulder.
That fulfills the promise Cena made earlier in the year that his and Rock’s match will be for the WWE Championship. Rock beats him for it, then at the Backlash equivalent Alberto Del Rio makes Rocky tap in the cross armbreaker to start his reign.
Just kidding, Rocky will never do something not masturbatory.
“Cena gets fired if he loses” stipulation made this match less exciting, because immediately I thought about the last time Cena got “fired”. Instead of heading into MITB with a “unpredictable” match, we end up with the stereotypical Cena match. 1 week ago, I was ready to order the PPV, now I’m rethinking about it.
If Green Ant is Lex Luger circa 93 does that make Fire Ant Bret Hart?
Since they’re driving home the “every person who’s ever cashed one in has won” angle, the best case on the main event is Punk winning, then fending off a MitB cash-in successfully, right?
@Brian G – That would be so wonderful, yes.
DVDVR is a board where out-of-touch 40 year old men take wrestling too seriously. Something Awful’s wrestling forum is a bunch of children paying ten dollars to discuss wrestling even though most of them clearly don’t understand it.
@blech – I’m stuck somewhere in the middle of those two things, so I enjoy big chunks of each. Of course there are jerks ruining it for everybody on any message board.
Vince, considering that one of Fire Ant’s themes was “You Start the Fire”, the answer is yes. Yes, it does.
Try The Real TSM.
@Dr. Awesomus
As one of the five contributors to that site, thank you for the props. We all appreciate it.
And obvs., thanks to Brandon for the link as well.
Tremedous job as always.youve just made me a bateman fan, I sure.hope he wins wwes got talent or.whatever.that is
“Either that or he’s up in Heaven somewhere stuck at the top of a ladder, looking down, yelling WHERE THE F**K IS VICKIEEE”
Fucking amazing. Had me laughing out loud like an asshole at several points.
“I’m never okay with birthday party segments (Silkk the Shocker’s birthday on Nitro notwithstanding)”
Wow….Silkk the Shocker doesn’t even get mentioned on RAP forums, much less WRESTLING recaps.
Wayback machine like a motherfucker there.
You beat me to the “unicooornns and glitttter” line.
Also, I like the Vince/Cena part. Everyone hates Vince, but he is so fun to watch.
Somehow your Cena/Punk/Mysterio scenario never occurred to me before which is exactly why this main event is so appealing. There’s a ton of ways it could go and none of them would be bad. ADR cashes in, awesome. Mysterio cashes in, awesome. Cena wins and it’s a MOTY candidate, awesome. (Especially after those awful Miz matches.) Punk wins and takes the title around the indies like it’s the Stanley Cup, awesome.
Someone make a mashup of Evan Bourne talking, stat.
“Sarge’s “everybody makes mistakes” comments were also funny, because he used Evan as an example. “I make mistakes, Evan makes mistakes” and Bourne is just standing there nodding his head like “yeah man, I wrestled Delirious in Cleveland one time, we just did finishers to each other for like 40 minutes, it was the f**king worst”.”
Holy shit, yes.
Brandon- Do you think the WWE will ever stop having two different rosters for smackdown and raw brand. That approach hasn’t worked in a while, the seperate rosters just arent deep enough. There are only 3 or 4 actual challangers for each title which makes fighting for contention meaningless. If they did combine it would provide extreme depth in the chase for each title especially the IC belt
Sorry this is a bit late, but as always this was an amazing article. Hilarious, insightful, and really well thought out. I love the part about Vince’s character. I never thought about that part of his persona either, but that really is some good stuff.
I haven’t seen the show yet but the about of Worsts is a bit disheartening after last week’s show, so I might just stick to reading this, which is always more entertaining than the non-Punk sections of the show anyway.
ps. You missed an additional Best for Punk’s stache he has at the moment.
Triple Threat, Barnesville, PA. CM Punk defending against Los Ice Creams. Book it.
@tupa – /booked it