Worst: Kofi Kingston is The One

I don’t want to dwell on this, but

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m going to go to bed with uneasy dreams of Dolph vs. Kofi and awaken to find myself transformed in my bed into a giant cockroach. I will give Dolph a small selection of “bests” for his general speaking persona and his attempts to get the United States championship over as something important, but Dear God, the combination of a wrestling birthday cake scenario, Jerry Lawler’s non-stop fat jokes and Kofi Kingston’s feud with Dolph Ziggler is taking me to dark places in my mind. This is going to end with Kofi Kingston atop a giant pyramid fighting off infinite versions of Dolph Ziggler, isn’t it?

I’m going to go watch Hard Knocks: The Chris Benoit Story and eat a pint of ice cream.

Worst: Ha Ha, Look At That Fat Widow

And speaking of eating a pint of ice cream, let’s all laugh at Vickie Guerrero, the fat ice cream eating cow who got her “just desserts” by being pushed into a birthday cake twice! Look at what a fat dumb old ugly idiot she is!

I’m never okay with birthday party segments (Silkk the Shocker’s birthday on Nitro notwithstanding) but I would’ve been okay with Vickie the verbally-abusive, manipulative manager getting humiliated by a guy she’s wronged. Even if he put her through it twice. But man, those Lawler observations take what should be a harmless wrestling segment and turn it into a horrible statement on society. The big “VIVA LA RASA” sign in the background during the segment turned it into something else, and all I could do was picture the ghost of Eddie Guerrero desperately trying to communicate to us through posterboard. Either that or he’s up in Heaven somewhere stuck at the top of a ladder, looking down, yelling WHERE THE F**K IS VICKIEEE

Worst: Weeeeeee, This Triple Threat Means Nothing

In the same vein as the tag team match, the next in a series of thrown-together, emotionless WWE triple threat number one contenders matches had an air of meaninglessness to it, especially after the show-opening and show-closing promos. They’re battling for a shot against Cena at Money in the Bank, but Cena’s planning to fight CM Punk or quit completely, so he clearly doesn’t give a dook about these guys. And then these guys are going to get shoved into the Money in the Bank match itself, to fight again for ANOTHER shot at Cena whenever they want it, but you know what? Cena’s whole thing is that he can’t refuse a challenge, so if, say, Rey Mysterio walked out at the top of the show and said “I want a WWE Championship match with YOU John Cena, HERE TONIGHT” Cena would march out and salute and Ooh Rappadoo and it’d be on. Why put yourself through all of this?

I enjoy a good finisher theft and the match itself wasn’t bad, but taped shows always play like such a bummer. It’s like watching All Japan classics on YouTube. Technically they’re the greatest thing ever, but when you watch them on that pixelated screen in the middle of a bright ass white page with 40 other suggested videos how are you supposed to REALLY enjoy it? I know that’s Kawada throwing a gamengiri (much like I know that’s Alberto Del Rio doing his cross-armbreaker) but eh, whatever.