Best: Explaining Kelly Kelly’s Offense to The Layman

I realize now that my Fire Pro Wrestling jokes from last week’s column may have gone over some of your heads. I apologize for that, and would now like to explain Kelly Kelly’s offense in a more palatable way. In case you don’t watch CHIKARA (and you should), this is Brodie Lee.

And that’s my girlfriend on the far left in the black tanktop, but focus on Brodie Lee. Notice how he literally (literally) kicks Tim Donst’s face off of his body? Not a lot of guys in CHIKARA (especially during the era of CHIKARA featured) hit like that, so when Brodie throws a kick, it really matters. Guys get hit with moonsault armdrags and wrapped up in transitional cradles from World Of Sport and they sell it like death, but then Brodie kicks them in the face and it’s SO MUCH MORE that selling goes out of the window and they are legitimately fighting to maintain consciousness and a working skull.

In the context of Diva World, every move Kelly Kelly does is that Brodie Lee kick to the face. Kelly jumps in and hits a Lou Thesz Press, Brodie Lee kick to the face. She runs over and forearms the Additional Bella, so the Bella helplessly FLIES off the apron. A smack to the ass, a headscissors takedown, a butt rub and a bulldog later and that Bella Twin has suffered five huge yakuza kicks to the brain, putting her somewhere between comatose and legally brain dead. The K-Driller (or whatever she calls it) at the end was just overkill.

In the future I hope Kelly can consider keeping her number of moves performed to two or fewer.

Worst: Look at Eve, Acting Like She Helped

It’s been established that you can beat a Bella Twin with one basic submission hold, so how funny is it to watch Eve struggle in a BELLA TWIN ARMBAR for a minute and a half, then stand around triumphantly after Kelly has done the work and pretend she contributed? Even at the end where she has to run off the Errant Bella, all she can manage is a Sweet Shin Music and an awkward slide out of the ring, followed by wandering. Kelly made it through her portion of the match without having to take a single offensive move.

In this tag team, Kelly Kelly is the Ricky Morton and Eve Torres is the Ricky Morton’s dead friend he’s forgotten about from elementary school.

Best: Wear Pants With “What’s Up” Written Across the Ass in Chalk? DISCOUNT!

R-Truth shouting about car insurance to “Flo” was great, and it got even better when he made the “I just saved a bunch of money by switching to GEICO” joke. Not because of the joke, but because Flo works for Progressive, and based on my knowledge of car insurance commercials I’ve pieced together the narrative.

Flo from Progressive is extremely passionate and helpful about insurance. Progressive offers a service that compares the rates of other top insurance companies to help you find the best deal. Now, Truth was on the phone with Flo. He was all YOU CAIN’T HELP ME, YOU CAIN’T HELP ME FLO, THIS A CONSPIRACY, but eventually she (on the other end of the phone) relents, and by the time Scott Stanford shows up Truth is all YOU CAN HELP ME FLO, NOW THAT’S WHAT’S UP. Moments later, he mentions saving money and switching to GEICO.

So, Truth called Progressive to get a good rate, got a high one for being an at-risk driver, and Flo found out he could actually save money by going with GEICO’s offer. Who says wrestling doesn’t make sense?

I just wish they’d followed it up by having Alberto Del Rio mention that unicorns and glitter are his destiny.