Best: Daniel Bryan is a NERD, KING
I don’t want to fill the parts of this that aren’t about CM Punk with CM Punk, but one of my favorite wrestling memories is being live at Wrestlemania 24 (right at that moment when Chavo Guerrero and Kane were having 4 second matches for the ECW Championship when you thought Punk was too small a fish in too big a pond) and seeing Punk win his first Money in the Bank briefcase. I remember my good friend Bill Hanstock flipping out, turning to me and yelling ARE YOU KIDDING ME over and over.
Part of me felt that way last night, watching my favorite wrestler in the world win Money in the Bank. Sure, there’s always a chance that the guy who wins it is going to be the first to lose a cash-in (that really should’ve happened to Jack Swagger), and hell, part of me though Bryan was going to get fed to Punk at the end of the show, but as of right now there is a greater logistical chance than ever of “American Dragon” Bryan Danielson becoming WWE Champion. That would make me the happiest person ever. I want him to keep it for a year and a half. I want a match where Big Andy Leavine’s hand gets sliced open and Daniel Bryan taps him out by working it for twenty minutes. I want him defeating Drew McIntyre with a small package at the 28-minute mark.
Worst case scenario, I want him to be a popular wrestler and remain employed for as long as possible, because he’s great and deserves it. Actually, nevermind, worst case scenario is Edge coming out of retirement, spearing Bryan, taking his title shot and cashing it in for absolutely no f**king reason whatsoever.
I wish WWE hadn’t conditioned me to always expect the worst.
Worst: I Forgot Who Was In This While It Was Going On
Admittedly I don’t watch a lot of Smackdown, but these Money in the Bank participants were decided so quickly and randomly that at one point in the match Cody Rhodes shows up and I’m all, “oh, cool, Cody Rhodes is in this”. And that was seriously about ten minutes in.
As cool as it is to pile these guys on and have them do crazy spots to each other, I wonder if Money in the Bank wouldn’t mean something greater emotionally if we did it with four, maybe five guys. For example, people always speak fondly of Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon at Wrestlemania X, but nobody is going to care about those Jung Dragons/Three Count/Knoble and Karagias triple threat tag team ladder farts from Nitro no matter how many times you shoehorn them onto a DVD.
Worst: But Seriously, the Nerd Thing
Michael Cole is getting into that scary territory he got into on NXT where people started thinking his nonchalant, insulting character was funny, so they turned it up way too loud and we suffered through six months of sailor tattoos and blaze orange singlets and 60,000 emotional instances of Jack Swagger putting Jerry Lawler in the ankle lock. Cole is extremely interested in calling Daniel Bryan a nerd, so much so that he’ll do it in response to any sentence. It doesn’t have to be Booker T saying Daniel Bryan is tenacious (or whatever), it is literally anything:
Lawler: “Wade Barrett just punched Sheamus.”
Booker: “that right there is what we call a punch, king, and that right there will knock yo lights out, knock you clean out, that right there”
Cole: “DANIEL BRYAN LIKES BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, WTF”
And nobody f**king mentioned Battlestar Galactica. He’s like Austin Powers trying not to say “mole”. He used it on AJ on Smackdown, too, because she said “dude”. WHO SAYS DUDE, AJ IS A NERD. AJ is a gorgeous tiny gymnast made out of muscles and Ashley Massaro’s leftover underwear. When did “dude” become a nerd qualifier? The only people I know who say dude are surfers, frat guys and Ninja Turtles.
Worst: Goodbye, Mexico’s Rose
So hey guys, how about that Sin Cara?
In accordance with its Talent Wellness Program, WWE has suspended Luis Ignascio Urive Alvirde (Sin Cara) for 30 days for his first violation of the company’s policy.
WWE, if any of your representatives are reading this, I have a great idea. Have you ever heard of a wrestler named “Ricochet”? He wrestles in Dragon Gate, used to be in CHIKARA as Helios. Anyway, he’s skinny and olive-skinned, hire him for 1/10th of what you’re paying Mistico, dress him like Sin Cara, and let him do all this basic lucha sh** without screwing it up. I’ve seen him do a double moonsault with my own goddamned eyes, I’m pretty sure he can do a headscissors without f**king up and dropping himself, Chavo Guerrero and 2/3rd of the audience on their faces.
The best part of that paragraph is that I assume a guy in Dragon Gate isn’t on a ton of drugs. CIMA could inject anabolic steroids into a bag of weed and sell it at his gym, nobody would care. He could call it DO GREAT BREATHING STRENGTH.
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the idea about wwe ring boys is utter brilliance!
I’ve been watching “rasslin” since David Von Erich and it’s been a long time since I can say “I am excited for the next show”. And, like you, Bryan Danielson is my favorite wrestler and the off chance of them even just hot-shoting the belt on him would be amazing.
Daniel Bryan is a nerd, but it doesn’t matter because he’s also the best in the world.
Good article. I think we need to wait and get some perspective a bit before we call this a Greatest of All Time PPV. I’m confident it will hold up but I would err on the side of caution.
I completely agree about reducing the number of competitors in the MitB matches. I was saying that when they increased the number from six to eight. High numbers mean the matches have to be spotfests, which they probably will be anyway but any real story that could be told goes out the window to get each guy a moment in the spotlight.
Totally wish I was there. I’m glad I’m on vacation but what kind of luck is it that I’m out of town the day they decide to get things right a couple miles from my house?
I had to put my head down the second time Cena put on the STF. I was too scared to look, and relied upon my headphones to hear a slapping hand on the mat and a chorus of boos. Then the audience erupted, I lifted my head, and there was CM Punk with the Anaconda Vice.
God, that’s what professional wrestling should be.
I know why you were watching a torrent this morning instead of watching it live last night, but a lot of people don’t, and I think it taints your message. Otherwise, great writeup!
I was there last night in the 10th row and it was fuckin phenomenal! Best show I’ve ever been to and was so good I decided to buy the repeat of it today on PPV to watch it again tonight with my son who didn’t go and because I can’t wait a month to see it again.
I have no voice from yelling for Punk last night and picked up an exclusive Punk shirt with last night’s date on it. Awesome show……bout damn time
I think you should watch Smackdown if only for the chance to make egregious American Dream references every time Cody Rhodes shows up. Cody Rhodes is the son of a son of a plumber. Daniel Bryan doesn’t know about HARD TIMES!
John Cena is the Ned Stark of the WWE. Always going out of the way to do the honorable thing, and it all ends with his head getting cut (or kneed) off.
A John Anderson reference on With Leather…this is one of those rare boom periods for With Leather.
@coked_up_jesus – I hope you aren’t kidding, because tomorrow’s Best and Worst of Raw is going to have the video for “Seminole Wind” in the middle of it.
It was glorious…
Pretty sure you’re thinking of Bash 89, because Bash 90 was the worst PPV ever.
@CW – Shit, you’re right. I was thinking 89, but I do like 90 because that’s the one where Vader shows up.
Been waiting for this since last night–and as always, well worth the wait.
(but dude, I say “dude”–well, not all the time, but I do.)
@Jade – YOU’RE A NERD JADE (but seriously, watch this video [www.youtube.com] followed by this one [www.youtube.com] . Makes me want to headbutt something)
@Brandon – I want to request “Straight Tequila Night” for the upcoming feature on TNA Wrestling.
@coked_up_jesus – If this Punk match had happened on any other PPV, I would’ve used “I Wish I Could’ve Been There”
It was great. It was a blast from the past, like an Ufford helmed With Leather
@Brandon – “Black Sheep” would’ve worked too. Side note: Now I’ve been thrown into the horrible world of Joe Diffie videos…thanks a bunch.
@Brandon I prefer “geek”, thank you. :)
As for Michael Cole, any time I actually have to listen to him, I want to headbutt something. Gimmick or not, he gets on my nerves.
I don’t have much to add to all that, but goddamn that show was fun as hell. Here’s hoping they’ve got something close to that good planned going forward, because after something like last night all those Dolph-Kofi matches somehow seem worth it.
Great job as always B.
I kinda wished you were talking about Bash 90 instead of 89, just because I thought it was kind of a ballsy statement. I mean it would’ve been wrong, but I’ll fight a dude who doesn’t think Southern Boys vs Midnight Express is the best tag team match of all time.
Why didn’t you write anything about what’s going to happen now with Punk?
Can I just say that I never expected a glowing reccomendation of Ricochet from you?
In any case, this review encapsulates everything I wanted to hear about last night’s show. Pro wrestling is great, and people talking about how great it is is great.
@Dr. Obvious – I’m not sure. Part of it is that I was writing about this show and am not the type to fantasy book (seriously, at least). Part of it is that I’m trying to stay positive, and you get less positive the longer you think about what WWE is gonna do with somebody.
Plus, I covered a lot of my thoughts on where he’d go and what he’d do after winning the belt in Best and Worst of Raw from last week.
I live in southeastern Wisconsin and it takes me, roughly, an hour and a half to get to and from the Allstate Arena. I mention this because I went to the show last night and I did not stop talking or thinking about this show for the duration of that ride and for several hours more until I finally went to bed. CM Punk deserves everything people say about him and everything he gets. He deserves the match with Stone Cold, but not as an undercard to Cena-Rock because everyone knows that there is no way The Rock and Cena could top it. (And this is coming from someone who thinks John Cena is one of the best workers in the world.) This was the best wrestling I’ve seen in a long time, possibly ever and it’s the kind of wrestling that makes me want to watch more and more wrestling until my eyes fall out.
Great stuff, Brandon. I am not ashamed to admit that when Punk won the match and blew Vince a kiss before ascending the stairs past fans in his hometown, that I legitimately marked out. I, for one, look forward to my CM Punk WWE Ice Cream bar.
I haven’t watched Raw in ages, since I don’t have cable. But I’m heading out to the bar tonight to watch. This Punk storyline is on of the best they’ve done in years. And Vince is still my favorite WWE performer. I saw a clip of the last five minutes of last night’s show, and Vince was awesome. He even did the big gulp!
I marked out a little for Randy Orton’s gutwrench neckbreaker, not because it was new and innovative, but in fact because it’s a classic Orton move from ’04 that I haven’t seen in forever.
Bright Lights Big City is a good song. Kick rocks on that. Otherwise, love these recaps
Was that a Rude Dog and the Dweebs reference..? I think it was!
@RichMahogany – It absolutely was.
Great article Brandon.
But finally saw something I disagree with you about. And it’s the littlest thing.
Bright Lights, Bigger City is really good song. Appropriate enough for the city of Los Angeles. I like rock ppv themes but this song has it’s own kind of epicness.
Enough of that, I’m not going to argue musical tastes. We all differ on what we like. Here’s to feeding your writing ego, You did a great job.
what’s about to happen on Raw is R-Truth vs. Kofi Kingston final, 1st black champ guaranteed, and then Del Rio cashes in.
wishful thinking
Good job, Brandon.
wtf was page five?
Great article brotha. Favorite part was the MVP joke (obviously)
I never watch the PPVs because I don’t want to pay for a casual thing I only sort of watch, but I slightly regret not buying this one!
As always, awesome article. I think this actually might be one of my favourites that you’ve done, if only because the show itself was so good. I obviously like wrestling humour and a large part of that is making fun of stupid stuff, but reading so much positivity (especially the part about Punk) was pretty cool. Not that you don’t ever find the positive aspects in all the shows anyway, but you know what I mean.
Other highlights for me –
- Getting across my exact views on John Cena and his defining heroic moment in a far better way than I ever could.
- Christian as a male WWE diva, which I never realised but is amazing.
- Chavo Guerrero sucks.
- Big Show being injured sounding like Frank The Tank, which is hilarious.
- Basically all of that, to be honest.
Oh and the only thing I sort of like about Cole constantly harping on Bryan for being a nerd is how much Booker T springs to D-Bryan’s defence.
I was there for this PPV and it was amazing. By the end of the Punk Cena match I was so physically exhausted from Chanting CM Punk, screaming, and clapping that I almost couldn’t stand. High fives and hugs happened between complete strangers in the crowd when Punk won. It was the most amazing and emotional thing I’ve ever witnessed at a live wrestling event.
I know you always talk about Randy Orton digivolving into an armed snake man, but that gif continues to prove that Randy’s at his best when he’s digivolving into that weird Muppet thing that would always eat Kermit in those old black and white commercials.
@Brandon My bad. Bash 91 was the worst ever. (Luger/Windham with the belt that might have been the uwf western states belt passing as the wcw belt)
The whole Punk idea was just a storyline people. Punk’s not going anywhere. He never was. The whole purpose here was to take everyone’s money (or make as much as they could)! McMahon and his writers just took what they know from internet posts about McMahon and turned it into a storyline involving Mr Punk. Furthermore knowone cares about where a stupid belt goes because McMahon can easily makes dozens of these belts. You’ve all been had and that’s the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Goosebumps on the inside
I was lucky enough to be there on Sunday, and I grant that I’m not a wrestling encyclopaedia and I can’t name a bunch of indy guys outside of ROH (and that’s only because it used to be on TV every week), but I can honestly say that the emotion of that crowd, along with the quality of the match and the outcome, made it one of the more special nights of my life.
I know how you feel, B.
Honestly… I don’t usually like “recap” articles, and I don’t know how long you have been doing this article, but hell you are good man….one big favor….start watching smackdown….get familiar enough and do that too, getting your take, once a week won’t be enough
I queefed so hard when Punk won it blew the plate of nachos on my lap across the living room