The 82nd Major League Baseball All-Star Game took place at Chase Field in Phoenix last night, and it appears that the American League's era of dominance has come to an end. The National League All-Stars won the game 5-1, marking their second consecutive win over the AL losers, who had won the previous 60 All-Star Games or something like that. The NL, of course, now possesses home-field advantage for the World Series, because baseball is run by nincompoops who think this is a good idea. Seriously, how has this not been passed off as a bad joke yet?
Prince Fielder hit a 3-run home run in the bottom of the 4th inning off Texas Rangers pitcher C.J. Wilson to give the NL the only offense it would need, after Boston's Adrian Gonzalez hit a solo shot in the top of the inning. L.A.'s Andre Ethier and San Francisco's Pablo Sandoval each added a RBI for the NL to cushion the victory. And all the while, Joe Buck and Tim McCarver shared stories about players that none of us could bear listening to. But in case you skipped the game or you just chose not to watch it, I've put together this hasty retelling of last night's action (not entirely in order, mind you). For full appreciation, pull a sheet over your head, fart, inhale it as deep as you can, and then talk like Buck for the next few minutes.
"Do we really have to wait 9 innings to sleep with these guys?"
"Lance Berkman, damn fine to meet ya... Lance Berkman, damn fine to meet ya... Lance Berkman, damn fine to meet ya..."
"WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT, MOTHER F*CKER!"
"David, for the last time, that's not Kevin Gregg."
"Do you think we're going to get paid for this?"
"Tell me you got some with you."
"Gee, I hope Joe Buck and Tim McCarver are talking about Nick Adenhart the whole time that I'm pitching."
"Don't hurt me! Please God don't hurt me, I need a contract!"
"The clinic is up there."
"F*CK YOU, JOE BUCK!"
"Yeah, I'm Cliff Lee, I'm the shiiiiiiiiiiiii..."
"Suck it, Arizona."
"I'm telling you, that's the pitch I want to throw."
"Here comes the strikeout..."
"Contract season, bitches."
"I don't want to go back to the dugout now."
"Dude, C.J. better not come back to this dugout."
"Man, I swore I wouldn't embarrass the Cubs tonight."
"Everyone is going to think we're such losers."
"Aw thanks, Jay Bruce!"
"Bro, I'm going to kill Jay Bruce."
"Anyone remember when I had a very promising pop music career but then I married a guy 20 years older than me? God Bless America!"
"I wish my daddy was still pitching."
"GRRRRRRRRRRR I LOVE YOU DAD!"
"F*ck you... you're a dick... I hate your face... I f*cked your wife... blow me, a-hole..."
"Please stay in Milwaukee, I'm begging you, I'll do anything!"
"Pay me, mother f*ckers."