
Sports
Gina Carano’s Haywire Has New Photos - I wish I’d been around a couple of years ago to try and convince you “American Gladiators” was a sports thing. I can’t wait to see Gina Carano in movies, where there is a 100% better chance of me seeing her naked. Also, I think the best way to shoot an uzi flamethrower is to hold it as close to your face as possible. [Film Drunk]
Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Larry Bird Cover NBA 2K12 - I approve of this marketing, and think we should erase the last 15 years of NBA history and have continuity pick back up sometime around when Chris Webber showed up. [Smoking Section]
CM Punk Crashes Comic-Con - There are a lot of Comic-Con-related links in today’s Morning, but none as wonderful to me as the WWE Champion showing up and making Bill Simmons feel like he’s got to explain ‘worked shoots’ to us again. Here’s a footnote: you don’t know anything about wrestling. [The Wrestling Blog]
Disgusting Video of the Day: Pat Barry Loses a Wisdom Tooth - He needs a pair of jam shorts that say ‘WARRIOR’ down the side so you know how tough he is for doing this. Also, he should compare himself to a warrior or some sort of Spartan every time he opens his mouth. [Cage Potato]
With Leather
Lockout This: 10 Awesome Sports That Could Replace the NBA - Assuming we don’t move forward with my Zero Hour plan for the NBA, these will be suitable replacements, especially “Octopush”, which is about as close to Blitzball as we’re going to get. Luca Goers for life. [With Leather]
The Dugout: How to Pick Up Soccer Girls on the Internet - I think my professional dream at this point is to have one f**king baseball player say “oh hey, I know about that comic you’ve been making for the last seven years”. I still think Farnsworth turned down an interview with us because we’re the only thing that shows up when you google Kyle Farnsworth. [With Leather]
Tennessee Cops Can’t Find Murder Suspect Because They’re Looking at Porn - Lorenzen Wright’s family might be making it up, but it’s hilarious/depressing to think cops have to let dead people rot because they spent too much time browsing for casual encounters on Craigslist. [With Leather]
Taiwanese Animation Covers Yao Ming - Worth it just to hear an Asian lady say “Charles Barkley”. [With Leather]
Not Sports
A Golden Treasury of Photos from the First Day of Comic-Con 2011 - I want to make it to one of these things one day. I’ve been to a Wizard World and a Motor City Con, but never the big real one. I want to camp out for two weeks and be briefly glared at by Kristen Stewart. :( [UPROXX]
The Best of #Justin Bieber Lulz - In case we aren’t all tired of making fun of this kid by now, here’s a ton of stuff making fun of him. I never hear him on the radio and only see him on TV when people are interviewing him about how popular he is, so I don’t know, I think he’s a figment of our imagination. Let’s direct some of this hatred toward somebody who deserves it, like will.i.am. [UPROXX]
Comic-Con: Beavis and Butthead - I’m so happy about this, and the only news that would’ve been better is ten more seasons of “King of the Hill”. [Collider]
Did you expect Zach Galifianakis to ride something other than a Vespa? - No. [FARK]


Simmons is so metal, he thinks “some guy” was singing “The Game.”
I can’t believe I’m going to defend Simmons but….
He’s more in line with most wrestling fans than you (B) and the die-hards. We fell in love with it as kids (when we thought it was real) and are just casual fans now that enjoy the, as Simmons would say, ‘unintentional comedy’, occasional T&A and “soap-opera-for-guys” aspects than anything else.
Hey, at least he’s giving mainstream coverage to a sport that you love and giving another awesome writer like David Shoemaker a huge audience.
You are right — he doesn’t know shit about the technical and behind-the-scenes aspects of wrestling (neither do I) — but at least it’s….. something?
/dick joke
@ILovePaleHose – There’s no reason to get into it, but casual fans are the people WWE tries hardest to pander to, and the major reason why the shows are never any good. Wrestling’s been buzzworthy the last few weeks because they started focusing on people like me and not people like him, which inevitably gets people like him interested. I’m not saying “Bill Simmons doesn’t know backstage jargon”.
@Brandon — I hear ya. It’s like if a band I liked only played their hits to find a more mainstream audience rather than focus on developing new songs/styles and realizing who their true fans were. (At least that comparison made sense in my head.)
The difference between you and Simmons (and other more mainstreamers) is you’ll ADMIT when writing something that is not your forte’ rather than try to pass yourself off as some expert or long-time fan. It’s one reason I appreciate your style.
@ILovePaleHose – Yeah, I’m not the type to pretend I’m an important cog in the existence of the things I like. However, I have been a fan of Hope Solo since she was playing soccer during gym in middle school, so I obviously know more about her than anyone in our world
Chris Webber: TIME OUT! What? OH SHIT.
Chorus. Of. Cheers.
@essequemodeia – Webber’s Boner is right up there with the Miracle on Ice when it comes to memorable sports moments.
“However, I have been a fan of Hope Solo since she was playing soccer during gym in middle school, so I obviously know more about her than anyone in our world.”
Why don’t you have a seat over there, Brandon?
/oh wait, YOU were in Middle School, too? Carry on….
I brought Hope Solo condoms and lunch! I’m showing intent! I CAN LEAVE WHENEVER I WANT /leaves, gets tackled by 30 cops dressed as bushes
I went to the same high school as Hope Solo and my brother graduated the same year as her. He said she was “pretty cool”
/cool story, Bobby
Also, I appreciate your FFX reference with the Blitzball. Maybe someone can answer a question that has burned in my soul for years about the game: Why is Wakka the only person on the entire PLANET to have that accent? Did he get hit in the head with a blitz ball as a child? Oxygen deprivation from playing underwater water polo? I need to know!!
@B: I think RADickal might be your best bet for recognition.
Also, amen to what the Doc said. If you don’t recognize LEMMY, then GTFO.